Should I drop out of the wedding?

[Anonymous]

My soon to be sister in law didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid until 3 weeks prior to her wedding (1.5 weeks prior to mine). I agreed and then later found out she had a bridesmaid dropout, hence why she asked me to step in. A few days after she asked me to be a bridesmaid, they called off the wedding. My husband and I had a honeymoon planned and the day before we left town, she texted me and said the wedding was now on - giving me 2 weeks to find a dress. That same day, I found out there was a bachelorette party I wasn’t invited to - yet friends and the rest of the bridal party was there. Now we are down to one week prior to her wedding and I don’t have a dress and I’m honestly really hurt that I was excluded as well as a back up. Is it appropriate for me to step down? Keep in mind, I asked her to be my bridesmaid, gave all of my bridesmaids lots of gifts, paid for their hair to be done, and they didn’t have to purchase their own dresses…and I didn’t have a bachelorette party or bridal shower. She didn’t arrive on time for my wedding rehearsal the morning of, but is expecting me to be there the entire day of and day before to help set up and tear down. I don’t want to cause any drama or hurt, but I also feel like it wouldn’t be a big deal to her if I stepped down seeing how overlooked I’ve been. How do I go about it and what would be the right thing to do?

[SueShe]

Obviously, you are nothing else than a substitute and you are treated as such.

She chose you because she knew very well that this choice would put you in a very difficult position and that it may cause some conflict within the in-laws and your future husband. Not only does it put you in a bad light if you refuse but it certainly will cause additional tensions with your husband.

However, you should not succumb to the pressure to be the substitute bridesmaid because if you do, you indicate that people can do with you whatever you want because you are too afraid to voice your opinion. Show that you have character and tell the future sister in law that you will not be her substitute bridesmaid. Don't be afraid to mention the word "substitute" as this will make her realize that you are fully aware of the situation.

You may have to support the consequences but those are minimal compared to the fact that your in-laws will know that they cannot push you around. Good luck!

[Asker]

Hmm yeah I hadn’t thought it could have been an intentional way to make me look bad. My husband mentioned all of it to my mother in law and she was not very nice about it. Then she texted a few hours later saying how we all needed to talk and how sorry she is, that they want me in the wedding. They have been controlling through out our entire relationship, though I do love them. She also said that my FSIL asked a bridesmaid to step down so that I could take her place, which I highly doubt considering it was only 3 weeks prior to the wedding.

[SueShe]

I also doubt that the things happened the way your mother-in-law states it and that your sister-in-law indeed bumped one of her original bridesmaid in favor of you.

I do see it more that your mother-in-law has a hard time accepting that her son is taken "away" from her. This is a typical mother's reaction.

I would talk it seriously with your (future) husband first before talking with the rest of his family. Let him try to iron out the situation a little with his parents and sister. That will give you some lead time to think the entire situation over again.

You are certainly not in an envious situation because if you don't go to the wedding, they might retaliate in a way or another at your wedding by cancelling at the very last minute. If that happens, you will be at a psychological war with your parents-in-law for quite some time and your husband will indirectly be forced to take sides.

[LazerBean]

Yeah I'd be insulted. Talk to your brother, tell him how you feel, and tell him if he doesn't want you to drop out he's going to have to deal with his future wife. If she were not going to be family then I would drop out without saying anything else for sure though.

[Guy13]

Women are a handful. She's your future Family. At least she thought of you as the replacement. This is good !! She sees a future of friendship with you. One does not ask one that they do not like to be in their wedding. It is a good thing... a beginning !!

I am sure her husband is super pleased that the other one dropped out and that you were chosen.-I would be. Try not to be so petty and cause Family issues before their Marriage even begins. Congratulations on being in her wedding !!!

[888theGreat]

don't be a snoot. You want good relations with her and your brother

[Asker]

It’s my husbands brother who is getting married

[Nikki1989]

I would feel insulted so yes, I would drop out.

[Kelly6]

Dropout for sure

[Iron_Man]

Talk to her