Am I a jerk for wanting to cancel our wedding?

[Anonymous]

Me and my girlfriend of 5years, was supposed to be married, next month, it was planned, but we talked about it, and we have no reason other than love, for us to marry, and I said I don't want to be married because for the last two months there haven't really been any sign of love or affection, also because I'm not 100% about the wedding, because I'm really insecure about our relationship as it has been going lately, we argue slot about everything, and we're never really as happy as we used to be.
I get that it's hurtful and stupid to cancel so close to the wedding day, and I know what an utter arse I am for doing so.
I guess what I'm asking is, am I really that big an ass for not wanting to do the wedding as the relationship feels like it's about to go to shit?

[Pinay_ako]

It’s better to stay together for now than get married if you’re unsure of the future. You’re not being an ass. Just be honest with her but don’t wait last minute. She might not forgive you for this. It’s going to hurt for both but do it now before it’s too late! You’re still young.

[AviatorTom]

Getting married is extremely stressful on a couple... everyone has doubts as the wedding day gets closer, and working out all the arrangements is super stressful, especially on the bride.

If you are absolutely sure you don't want to marry her, then go ahead and cancel the wedding. Before you do, though, decide if you are just getting "cold feet" from the stress of the approaching wedding. Best way to do that is to have a calm sit-down talk with your bride, tell her how you feel, what's bothering you, and listen to what she says. Then, make your decision.

There's nothing wrong with canceling (or postponing) a wedding. I know a guy whose daughter canceled her wedding 2 weeks before it was scheduled because her fiancé cheated on her. They turned the wedding reception into a family reunion instead, since everything was arranged and refunds were not possible.

[D_Bone_Steak]

You're doing the right thing. Let's say you get married... your head is in a noose after that. She could cheat on you and take half your shit... if you cheat, she still gets half your shit. Got kids? Say goodbye to them! Shared possessions like a house, have to sell it or give it to her... you'll have to give it to her if there is kids. Worked hard for years in a shit relationship? she can leave, not only take half your shit, but now you're paying alimony. I forgot to mention child support earlier.

What will you get out of the deal? Jack. Fucking. Shit. That's what you'll get out of it. Men are still nothing but a source of money to some lawyers and to most women. Be aware of it or you'll get fucked by it.

[sheikalana]

Don't take any decision if you're not yet 100% sure. I think is very normal for couples to have a bunch of doubts close to the wedding but do you understand that canceling the wedding probably means hurting your fiancé and leading to a break up? Instead of giving up on your wedding so easily have you tried sitting with your fiancé and have a deep conversation about everything that's been happening? I believe that most disagreements happen due to lack of communication or misunderstandings. Use open and clear communication to explain what's going on and what's bothering you. You can even say you were thinking about canceling the wedding and see what she says. Best of luck to you.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

No, as hurtful as it might be, divorce will be far more hurtful.
If you feel the relationship is unsteady and rocky, that's not the time to get married. Work on the relationship, get back to where you feel more secure in your relationship before going through with the wedding...

[RedStealthOperative]

You're not a jerk for wanting to call the wedding off. You would be more of a jerk if you let things proceed, knowing how you feel about your relationship, and then down the road things end in divorce, because of all of the red flags you are seeing in the relationship now.

You are doing the right thing for the both of you. Yes, it's going to hurt. Sure, you might get some heavy backlash now for the decision, but future you will thank you, and your partner will also be better off for it.

Never ignore a strong gut feeling. That's where your peace is found.

[lilyanony1]

In all honesty planning a wedding is a big deal, she's probably stressing about making sure everything is perfect and your lack of commaradery is probably bothering her...
This then fuels into a resentment over time.
Personally it's important that you consider everything on a whole.
Say you don't get married, do you think the relationship will recover.
Say you don't get married are you just postponing it.

Why did you ask her if you were having doubts?

Are you the kind of person that needs constant attention and to have their ego stroked in order to continue being "in love"?

Are you prepared for the fact that relationships change, sex may decline, tiredness may increase, priorites will shift as you start to build things together, she may give more attention to the kids...
This could happen whether you're married or not.

Can you handle that?

[Anonymous]

Can you right now envision a life a year from now, 5, or 10+ with the person you want to marry? Is it one where you are relaxed and happy? Do you see a future with your fiancé? Do you see yourself as being happy in that future? If none of those answers are yes, back out now. There is a major difference between wedding jitters and actual doubts. Everyone gets a bit nervous before their wedding, but when you are thinking, I don't know if I actually want to marry this person...that is a major red flag and one that actually going through with it and marrying the other person won't and can't fix. If you haven't already, you need to have a deep conversation with your fiancé about what you're thinking and feeling because either they are feeling the same or they're going to need to think about some things in regards to their part in the relationship and if it can actually heal going forward.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Love is love & when it comes to marriage there is nothin that says you have to get married in the first place. On the other hand if you want to get married get married for the right reasons & not the wrong reasons & make sure marriage is something that both of you want & are ready for.

[Kiss_Me]

If you are unwilling or unable to work through troubling times with your spouse, getting married is a very bad idea. Some people do have the will and or character to do so.

A woman was asked on her 80th wedding anniversary how to make a marriage last. She said, "Ensure you never fall out of love with each other at the same time."

[Screenwriter]

Sometimes it takes years for a relationship to peter out. It appears you've hit that point.

There's no point in having a wedding if your relationship has ended.

Have the reception without the wedding. Return all the gifts and enjoy a good party.

Wish your ex good luck and toast all your friends and family.

Better to cancel late than have to go through a divorce. Keep the date, cancel the wedding part.

[Screenwriter]

It's all been paid for by now anyway. Enjoy yourselves over some cake and good food and music. Part peaceably and get ready to move on with your lives!

[Anonymous]

No you're not a jerk for cancelling and I believe it's the right thing to do based on what you've shared here. All of the red flags are there, and you should not ignore them.

Marriage is not something a man should go into in most cases today. There are exceptions but sadly few. Half of marriages end in divorce, women file the vast majority of them and men get screwed in divorce court and child custody settlements in the vast majority of cases. That is the reality of marriage for men now.

Be true to yourself and don't walk into a mistake like so many men do today. If you get married, you should feel super confident that she is the one. You don't feel that with your fiancée and that's why you're here.

[loveslongnails]

Excuse me, but what's "hurtful and stupid" about it if you are not thinking it's a good thing because of recent developments? It WOULD BE hurtful and very stupid if you went ahead with it, feeling like you do. The time to figure this shit out is NOW, before you're married. That's a lifetime commitment, or at least that's the idea, so you better be make sure BEFORE you do it.

[Asker]

Hurtful in the way that it's the most important thing for her atm, and stupid of me to not wake up sooner and tell her how I really feel about it.

[loveslongnails]

I'll "maybe" buy the latter a little, but not the former. Marriage is too big a deal to carry out just because one person "has been looking forward to it all her life" or since the engagement IF THIS is what you're feeling. You'll cause FAR more hurt, probably irreparable hurt, by not talking to her and going through with the wedding.

My advice is get the hell off of GAG and go talk to your fiancé right now. NOW !!

[yucychan]

I feel that if you are not certain if this is the person you wanted to marry, then you should not proceed with it. While she hates you for cancelling the wedding, I think she deserves someone who is 100% certain of the marriage.
Most likely, I believe she also has doubts about going through the wedding as well. I feel you should both resolve whatever issues you both have and then decide taking the on the big step.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

No, you're actually doing a very good thing, in my opinion.

You can always plan another wedding. Going through now, when you have doubts, isn't going to help.

You might break up with your girlfriend/fiancée, but it sounds like that might actually be for the best.

Don't marry someone because you're expected. Marry someone because you love them to bits and want to wake up next to them every morning.

[jshm2]

The question should be "are these red flags, not to marry?"

The answer would be "yes," as her personality is changing and so is your commitment.

Could be stress in both of you, but to be fair, you've been together for 5 years. If you still haven't figured each other out by now, you're fucking idiots for then trying to marry after 5.

[Vegasrunner]

Cancel and move on. Marriage is a terrible deal for guys anyway. You haven't even scratched the surface of you're potential and you're going to tie yourself down to one woman, for what? Love is the absolute worse reason to get married as well. Dont be an idiot you already know the answer to this question.

[CallmeTheKnight]

No. Arguments are just highlighters of underlying issues the both of you have yet to resolve within yourselves.

You wouldn't be wrong at all, but i recommend postponing the wedding, because you never know. It could be something the both of you never thought about.

[RavVid]

Well I guess arranging weddings are stressful but it is folly to attempt to fix a failing relationship by getting married.

Can you both agree on deferring the wedding and see how you both work out?

[bamesjond0069]

I mean hardly anyone marries anymore. you're just going to get to the cleaners in the likely divorce. You made the right call. Especially since you're getting a peak at married life right now. Women tend to get complacent and bitchy once they get married since now they have no reason to behave.

[Massageman]

Better now than later.
Getting married just to avoid changing the plans/wasting the meal deposit/ etc. means that you will probably end up getting a divorce. in my opinion, I think a divorce would suck a lot more.

[Vesuvius87]

You're not a jerk for cancelling a huge commitment you don't feel ready for. It's good to be honest with each other. However, be prepared to lose her completely if she doesn't want to go back to being your girlfriend again.

[Anonymous]

Look--there's never any GOOD way to end your relationship, but if you think it needs to end, it's certainly better to do it NOW than AFTER the wedding. But just to be clear, you'd not be getting married AND you'd be breaking up forever. That works for you, right?

[LovingLoverReturned]

No. But ensure you ask her first if she realized the relationship is beckoning argumentative... once she realize herself she will understand you better and may agree to the decision to wait or cancel