Am I a jerk for wanting to cancel our wedding?

Question

Me and my girlfriend of 5years, was supposed to be married, next month, it was planned, but we talked about it, and we have no reason other than love, for us to marry, and I said I don't want to be married because for the last two months there haven't really been any sign of love or affection, also because I'm not 100% about the wedding, because I'm really insecure about our relationship as it has been going lately, we argue slot about everything, and we're never really as happy as we used to be.
I get that it's hurtful and stupid to cancel so close to the wedding day, and I know what an utter arse I am for doing so.
I guess what I'm asking is, am I really that big an ass for not wanting to do the wedding as the relationship feels like it's about to go to shit?

AviatorTom · Accepted Answer

Getting married is extremely stressful on a couple... everyone has doubts as the wedding day gets closer, and working out all the arrangements is super stressful, especially on the bride.

If you are absolutely sure you don't want to marry her, then go ahead and cancel the wedding. Before you do, though, decide if you are just getting "cold feet" from the stress of the approaching wedding. Best way to do that is to have a calm sit-down talk with your bride, tell her how you feel, what's bothering you, and listen to what she says. Then, make your decision.

There's nothing wrong with canceling (or postponing) a wedding. I know a guy whose daughter canceled her wedding 2 weeks before it was scheduled because her fiancé cheated on her. They turned the wedding reception into a family reunion instead, since everything was arranged and refunds were not possible.

D_Bone_Steak · Accepted Answer

You're doing the right thing. Let's say you get married... your head is in a noose after that. She could cheat on you and take half your shit... if you cheat, she still gets half your shit. Got kids? Say goodbye to them! Shared possessions like a house, have to sell it or give it to her... you'll have to give it to her if there is kids. Worked hard for years in a shit relationship? she can leave, not only take half your shit, but now you're paying alimony. I forgot to mention child support earlier.

What will you get out of the deal? Jack. Fucking. Shit. That's what you'll get out of it. Men are still nothing but a source of money to some lawyers and to most women. Be aware of it or you'll get fucked by it.

sheikalana · Accepted Answer

Don't take any decision if you're not yet 100% sure. I think is very normal for couples to have a bunch of doubts close to the wedding but do you understand that canceling the wedding probably means hurting your fiancé and leading to a break up? Instead of giving up on your wedding so easily have you tried sitting with your fiancé and have a deep conversation about everything that's been happening? I believe that most disagreements happen due to lack of communication or misunderstandings. Use open and clear communication to explain what's going on and what's bothering you. You can even say you were thinking about canceling the wedding and see what she says. Best of luck to you.

Pinay_ako · Accepted Answer

It’s better to stay together for now than get married if you’re unsure of the future. You’re not being an ass. Just be honest with her but don’t wait last minute. She might not forgive you for this. It’s going to hurt for both but do it now before it’s too late! You’re still young.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Answer

No, as hurtful as it might be, divorce will be far more hurtful.
If you feel the relationship is unsteady and rocky, that's not the time to get married. Work on the relationship, get back to where you feel more secure in your relationship before going through with the wedding...

RedStealthOperative · Answer

You're not a jerk for wanting to call the wedding off. You would be more of a jerk if you let things proceed, knowing how you feel about your relationship, and then down the road things end in divorce, because of all of the red flags you are seeing in the relationship now.

You are doing the right thing for the both of you. Yes, it's going to hurt. Sure, you might get some heavy backlash now for the decision, but future you will thank you, and your partner will also be better off for it.

Never ignore a strong gut feeling. That's where your peace is found.

lilyanony1 · Answer

In all honesty planning a wedding is a big deal, she's probably stressing about making sure everything is perfect and your lack of commaradery is probably bothering her...
This then fuels into a resentment over time.
Personally it's important that you consider everything on a whole.
Say you don't get married, do you think the relationship will recover.
Say you don't get married are you just postponing it.

Why did you ask her if you were having doubts?

Are you the kind of person that needs constant attention and to have their ego stroked in order to continue being "in love"?

Are you prepared for the fact that relationships change, sex may decline, tiredness may increase, priorites will shift as you start to build things together, she may give more attention to the kids...
This could happen whether you're married or not.

Can you handle that?

Anonymous · Answer

Can you right now envision a life a year from now, 5, or 10+ with the person you want to marry? Is it one where you are relaxed and happy? Do you see a future with your fiancé? Do you see yourself as being happy in that future? If none of those answers are yes, back out now. There is a major difference between wedding jitters and actual doubts. Everyone gets a bit nervous before their wedding, but when you are thinking, I don't know if I actually want to marry this person...that is a major red flag and one that actually going through with it and marrying the other person won't and can't fix. If you haven't already, you need to have a deep conversation with your fiancé about what you're thinking and feeling because either they are feeling the same or they're going to need to think about some things in regards to their part in the relationship and if it can actually heal going forward.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

Love is love & when it comes to marriage there is nothin that says you have to get married in the first place. On the other hand if you want to get married get married for the right reasons & not the wrong reasons & make sure marriage is something that both of you want & are ready for.

Screenwriter · Answer

Sometimes it takes years for a relationship to peter out. It appears you've hit that point.

There's no point in having a wedding if your relationship has ended.

Have the reception without the wedding. Return all the gifts and enjoy a good party.

Wish your ex good luck and toast all your friends and family.

Better to cancel late than have to go through a divorce. Keep the date, cancel the wedding part.

loveslongnails · Answer

Excuse me, but what's "hurtful and stupid" about it if you are not thinking it's a good thing because of recent developments? It WOULD BE hurtful and very stupid if you went ahead with it, feeling like you do. The time to figure this shit out is NOW, before you're married. That's a lifetime commitment, or at least that's the idea, so you better be make sure BEFORE you do it.

Kiss_Me · Answer

If you are unwilling or unable to work through troubling times with your spouse, getting married is a very bad idea. Some people do have the will and or character to do so.

A woman was asked on her 80th wedding anniversary how to make a marriage last. She said, "Ensure you never fall out of love with each other at the same time."

Anonymous · Answer

No you're not a jerk for cancelling and I believe it's the right thing to do based on what you've shared here. All of the red flags are there, and you should not ignore them.

Marriage is not something a man should go into in most cases today. There are exceptions but sadly few. Half of marriages end in divorce, women file the vast majority of them and men get screwed in divorce court and child custody settlements in the vast majority of cases. That is the reality of marriage for men now.

Be true to yourself and don't walk into a mistake like so many men do today. If you get married, you should feel super confident that she is the one. You don't feel that with your fiancée and that's why you're here.

yucychan · Answer

I feel that if you are not certain if this is the person you wanted to marry, then you should not proceed with it. While she hates you for cancelling the wedding, I think she deserves someone who is 100% certain of the marriage.
Most likely, I believe she also has doubts about going through the wedding as well. I feel you should both resolve whatever issues you both have and then decide taking the on the big step.

Smoke-n-Growls · Answer

No, you're actually doing a very good thing, in my opinion.

You can always plan another wedding. Going through now, when you have doubts, isn't going to help.

You might break up with your girlfriend/fiancée, but it sounds like that might actually be for the best.

Don't marry someone because you're expected. Marry someone because you love them to bits and want to wake up next to them every morning.

jshm2 · Answer

The question should be "are these red flags, not to marry?"

The answer would be "yes," as her personality is changing and so is your commitment.

Could be stress in both of you, but to be fair, you've been together for 5 years. If you still haven't figured each other out by now, you're fucking idiots for then trying to marry after 5.

CallmeTheKnight · Answer

No. Arguments are just highlighters of underlying issues the both of you have yet to resolve within yourselves.

You wouldn't be wrong at all, but i recommend postponing the wedding, because you never know. It could be something the both of you never thought about.

RavVid · Answer

Well I guess arranging weddings are stressful but it is folly to attempt to fix a failing relationship by getting married.  Can you both agree on deferring the wedding and see how you both work out?

Vegasrunner · Answer

Cancel and move on. Marriage is a terrible deal for guys anyway. You haven't even scratched the surface of you're potential and you're going to tie yourself down to one woman, for what? Love is the absolute worse reason to get married as well. Dont be an idiot you already know the answer to this question.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

I mean hardly anyone marries anymore. you're just going to get to the cleaners in the likely divorce. You made the right call. Especially since you're getting a peak at married life right now. Women tend to get complacent and bitchy once they get married since now they have no reason to behave.

Massageman · Answer

Better now than later.
Getting married just to avoid changing the plans/wasting the meal deposit/ etc. means that you will probably end up getting a divorce. in my opinion, I think a divorce would suck a lot more.

Vesuvius87 · Answer

You're not a jerk for cancelling a huge commitment you don't feel ready for. It's good to be honest with each other. However, be prepared to lose her completely if she doesn't want to go back to being your girlfriend again.

Anonymous · Answer

Look--there's never any GOOD way to end your relationship, but if you think it needs to end, it's certainly better to do it NOW than AFTER the wedding. But just to be clear, you'd not be getting married AND you'd be breaking up forever. That works for you, right?

LovingLoverReturned · Answer

No. But ensure you ask her first if she realized the relationship is beckoning argumentative... once she realize herself she will understand you better and may agree to the decision to wait or cancel

jesssayin89 · Answer

Definitely don't go through with the marriage. There's cold feet and then there's just not a love match. If you guys don't have much affection or your not as happy then that's a no brainer. Couples argue but for people who are supposed to be getting married that's a no go

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

Give her the option to put it back a year and see if she's ok with it (If that is acceptable to you as well).. If not, then leave! Never get married under those circumstances.

DizzyDesii · Answer

Break it off now before you end up dealing with divorce court. I hope y'all get a refund on that deposit for the wedding venu

Uptowngirl88 · Answer

No she's just dumb for staying for 5 years. I would never stick to one guy and hang around for 5 years. Year tops for marriage and I date more than one guy. So may the best man win.

exitseven · Answer

msybe it would be worse to go through with the wedding and then get divorced.

dustybiker · Answer

Trust your gut. Be kind. Don’t ask again unless head over heals in giddy love. Just live together.

USLegionary · Answer

No. But weddings are like that. It adds unnecessary stress to the relationship and women tune out and just focus on their big day.

Whatever2929292 · Answer

Your choice. You could try couples counseling but your choice man. Once you're married calling things off is going to be a lot harder

shaysh87 · Answer

You probably just felt obligated to marry her when you never actually genuinely felt like you wanted marriage

Guy13 · Answer

💣 💣💣💣 goes your deposit.. credit obliterated💣. 85% of the people in your world mad as hell.

baserunner611 · Answer

Stupid, go married before you destroy the best thing in your life. What is your sense feeling of pressure of pulling a marriage together.
You are to go for a few day vacation, before destroy your life. Everyone get it nervous and jealous, man

InsideBeauty · Answer

No, you are not. But tell her as soon as possible about your desicion and the way you feel about your relationship.

_Just_A_girl_ · Answer

Plan better next time. Damn.  The appointments The haggling  The dress Catering Getting your families hopes up Driving , gas money  Plane tickets

MikeInHawaii · Answer

Nope! It’s better to cancel the wedding the day of than for through a divorce! The way I’ve seen some women acting at bachelorette parties, I wouldn’t blame the groom for calling off the wedding!

bootieclapper9000 · Answer

dont get married RUNNNNNNN look into the stories of divorced men  MGTOW REDPILL do not get married  trust , me LOOK INTO IT  ITS ALL OVER YOUTUBE im trying to save you  cause I love you

driven159 · Answer

When you get married everyone wants it forever but that doesn't happen most of the time so any doubts then don't do it marriage can ruin a great relationship and put a lot of pressure on it it's a lot worse to get a divorce than to cancel it

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Not at all. Good decision. Better now then after 2 kids.

foodtv · Answer

Not at all, figure your relationship out (ending it or not) then get married if it's right.

Anonymous · Answer

Cancel it. Unless you fancy the idea of divorce where she takes any kids and have of all your stuff. Cancel it now. Never marry a woman who doesn't love you.

Lliam · Answer

Marriage is forever, dude. If you're not 100% sure, don't sign the contract.

Anonymous · Answer

according to this site, it looks like you are 24 or under the age of 24. and wanting to get married... yeah big mistake. break up or postpone the wedding another 3 years or something.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Kind of. But if you don't want to marry her, you don't want to marry her. It is what it is. Better to exit now than wait until later on when it's already a done deal.

slatyb · Answer

Cancel it. It will be painful, but not as painful as a divorce.

hyperben · Answer

better to cancel now than (possibly) add to divorce statistics later

Freyke · Answer

Figure out the issue first. Marriage is for when you're sure. A breakup will be a breeze compared to a divorce.

Xoirwinkan · Answer

You need to have a deep talk with her. You already told her you don't want to get married and she ignored you? No affection and constant arguing are really bad signs.

Dargil · Answer

Consider putting it off for a year and explain your feelings.

JakeS00 · Answer

Maybe marriage therapy can help. At least you were honest.

Anonymous · Answer

Do you really want to get into a relationship you may not be happy. Is better to cancel the wedding and have a confirmation that you're doing something right. Then being talked into something that you will have pure hell the rest of your living days.

EarthRealm · Answer

You Must be some Christian  Like ahh man I’m so sinful for making choices and wanting things.

Luopio27 · Answer

If you feel like cancelling it, do so. Ne true to yourself and to your woman.

Jay3344 · Answer

Trust your instincts and talk it over with your fiancé.

Twalli · Answer

Actually, that's a perfectly good reason to cancel the wedding.

DizzyAster2 · Answer

Don't marry yet, seek marriage counseling.  There's nothing wrong with it.

cloud9vortex1234 · Answer

If you're not sure about it then you got out just in time.

In_Trance · Answer

I think you made the right call if you're not sure about it

Anonymous · Answer

Thanks to feminism, marriage only benefits women.. You're better off not married.

RedRosey · Answer

the right time will come. regret later is way more hurtful

treatercollins25 · Answer

No its your choice you shouldn't marry someone unless you are 100 percent sure

Anonymous · Answer

Not as big of a jerk if you went through with it and then cheated on her.

Am I a jerk for wanting to cancel our wedding?

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