Help? My boyfriend is being pressured into arranged marriage?

[Anonymous]

I met my soul mate, complete love of my life over a year ago and we are so perfect for each other. We have so much in common, we laugh, talk about our careers, the world, I mean from day one our conversations have just flowed. We have spoken about our future, have a baby name picked and we talk about her everyday even though she’s not yet in the making.

However, coming from India his family are onto the 6th possible arranged wife for him and so far he been able to get out of each one but it has cause a lot of conflict in the family. He feels he may not be able to get out of this one as there are threats from community that his family will be at harms way due to the social pressure of arranging your children into marriage. He is 31 and most men are married by 30 so they are actively trying to get him married due to the pressure they have placed on them by community and extended family members.

I am lost and don’t know what to do. He plans to divorce her as soon as possible however it will take at least two years and this woman will be forced to live with him. I come from Australia and am not exposed to arranged marriage so this is a hard concept for me to understand. I am heartbroken and so lost that I don’t know what to do. I would do anything for him but to sit by and watch him in a marriage for a minimum of two years? I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle that. I want to, I want to make it work and so does he. I trust him and know how much this destroys him at well but what are we supposed to do?

[dynamicyandere]

It sounds like he needs to make the choice between making his family happy with this marriage or to leave it all behind, run off with you to start a new life, and possibly get disowned by his family.


It’s a huge sacrifice on his end, so I believe the choice should definitely be left to him to decide, whether or not he’d be willing to be excommunicated from his family and community for your sake.


If he loves you more than his family, he will leave and marry you.


If he loves his family more than you, he will cave in to the pressure and go forward with the arranged marriage.


It’s very harsh of his family to put so much pressure on him to do something he clearly doesn’t want to do…


It sounds like a battle between love and duty.


His love for you vs his duty to his family.


He needs to ask himself, on his deathbed, will he have regretted going against his family for love? Or will he have regretted setting aside love in favor of duty to his family? Which would create more regret? Which would create more resentment. On his deathbed, which decision would he most be at peace with?


It’s an extremely heavy decision, so I’d leave it up to him, but I’d suggest he ask himself those important soul-searching questions.

[dynamicyandere]

Personally, as an ambitious “hopeless romantic” I’d be willing to be disowned by my family for my SO.

Love, true love, is incredibly important to me, and is worth sacrificing for. Even if those sacrifices may seem extreme.

Now, as for your boyfriend saying that he’ll divorce in 2 years… If he can be pressured into getting married, he can be pressured into not getting a divorce.

Just food for thought.

[misogynistic_pig]

If you suspect that your boyfriend is being pressured into an arranged marriage, it's important to have an open and honest conversation with him to understand his situation and offer your support.

It is important to remember that arranged marriage is a cultural practice in some communities and may be a personal choice for some people.

However, there may also be cases where they feel pressured or coerced into getting married against their will.

If your boyfriend is being pressured into an arranged marriage against her will, it's important to be supportive and listen without judgment.

You can offer him help and resources to seek professional help or legal advice if he needs it.

You can also research and connect with organizations that work with people in similar situations for more information and support.

In any case, it is important that you respect your boyfriend's decision and support him as much as possible.

[SueShe]

You will need to talk to his family and also his extended family about what this man thinks is best for him and not what his family believes that he should do. I presume that he is from a smaller dwelling rather than from a tier 1 city where those arranged marriages are probably less common.

Your boyfriend already being 31 means that his parents are well into their fifties, perhaps even into their early sixties and that the concept of arranged marriage is a predominant factor among elder generations.

Me, not being Indian, I am not able to assist you but I know exactly the right person that could give you valuable information.

@PrettyPriya Perhaps you can give your point of view to this lady as you seem very familiar with this kind of concept.

I wish you all the best and good luck.

[PrettyPriya]

@SueShe is right about a lot of things as I read through your details and her opinion. This is definitely not someone coming from tier 1 city if I had to guess. The use of the word ‘community’ says otherwise. I am a bit confused about some things though.

You say this is this sixth attempt at a marriage and he is 21? That sounds extraordinary at that age or at the very least desperate to a level I have not seen.

Either way, you had to be aware of this. I understand you cannot help who you fall in love with, but this situation should come as no surprise if they have attempted five times previously.

Here is the biggest problem. His plan to marry and immediately divorce is probably the worst idea he can come up with for both himself and more importantly you.

If there are threats from the community now, just think about what is going to happen when he immediately divorces this girl. What do you think that will mean for you when they find out (and they will) you are the main reason for it?

Honestly, this is all on him and where I completely agree with Sue. HE needs to talk to his family about this. Here is what I am not understanding since you do not mention anything unless I glossed over it. What is their problem with you other than you are Aussie? Is that the reason for their reluctance to let you two date?

By the way and for your own information, I am Indian and married to an Australian man. I understand what is happening all to well. However, have they given objections to your relationship with him? I don’t see that mentioned.

As an outsider, you have very little sway in this situation, which is why I agree with the ‘it is his responsibility to fix it’., if he can. He needs to talk to his family. Has he done so? What was the outcome or objection from that conversation? I need a bit more info before I can make a suggestion.

[SueShe]

@PrettyPriya Great opinion, thanks for giving such good advice.

[PrettyPriya]

@SueShe Most welcome. There are some unanswered questions here but the situation is not good considering the family’s persistence and the fact she is not Indian.

[SueShe]

@PrettyPriya I always read with great interest your views on the situation in India. I do hope that younger generations have overcome or are viewing this tradition differently, also in more remote areas of the country.

[PrettyPriya]

@SueShe I hope so too. For the girls, it can be a nightmare as many are far too young and still even in school. They don’t get to finish their education in some cases.

The reason I mention the terrible idea of divorce is because it is so uncommon here. There is a reason for this though. Despite the failure of arranged marriages in a lot of cases, it does not end up with divorce. The girl is trapped.

I mention this in reference to the asker’s situation because divorce rates are so low, you can only imagine the backlash of such actions.

Best to avoid it from the start. There are options, none of which are good but one that will have the least negative effect either way it goes. That is why I hope the asker responds.

[WonderBell99]

@PrettyPriya I'm guessing his family is conservative. Most conservative Indian families will not be open to the idea of their sons/daughters dating, let alone marry someone who is not Indian lol.

Besides, the guy is 31. You know how those distantly related Indian aunties are when a girl/guy is not married by the time he/she is 30. The pressure is probably from a place of "Oh no, what will x, y or z think of my family? What if they think something is wrong with my son?"

I blame the guy. He knows his parents, their mindset etc. If his parents are more important, he should not have dated her. I hope the guy has some backbone to stand up to his parents and tell them that he loves her.

[Rosexøxø]

His religion is forceful

he can’t have both.

disown is religion and have his family fake disown him or actually disown him.

If he marries and divorces her that will probably be difficult for her to remarry, whoever she is.

Try to be someone they arrange him with?

maybe take up the religion? Or have him disown it.

Other people should not kill his family because their son has delayed his marriage.

That is nosy and not right. They have no business or purpose in such a thing.

I don’t even think Allah would approve, if that’s who they believe in.

It just doesn’t seem fair at all.

Marriage that is unwanted and short term should be avoided because it wouldn’t be genuine and would hurt many different people. In different ways.

[Yyyyp789]

Why don't he talk to his family about you? If he is really serious about you, in that case the efforts would be there from his side. For God sake he is 31 years old (mature enough to take a decision and have an adult conversation with his family) His solution of divorcing someone within two years seems immature and ridiculous. A true gentleman would not be hesitatant to share with his family on planning a future with a women he truly loves. Coming from an Indian family I do understand the fundamentals of an arrange marriage, however its not a death sentence where there is no way out. Being a grown ass mature man he should have a conversation regarding you with his family.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you marry him? He can be a man and tell his family this is the girl I want and I’ll marry her.
If he keeps giving all this excuses such as it’s an arranged marriage my family can’t let me I mean come on?
Even prince Harry gave up on his royal titles to marry a trans

[Unit1]

Other opinions have 1000 useless words and 0 solution.

Here's mine: Your boyfriend needs to get the F away from his family and community first and foremost.

And about the marriage - defacto nothing should stop you both from living life close enough to a married lifestyle. Papers of course are a distinct topic. Especially in India.

[DermalPunch]

LOL. You were the placeholder honey. He's not going against his parents and there will be no divorce.

He will probably cheat with you though.

[EmmaMary]

It's about fucking time India got themselves into the 21st century, and did away with all this complete and utter fucking bollox... Period.

[dreamstar72]

I don’t think arrange marriage works that way, since it is the 6th try someone is being fussy. Death frets highly likely. Could it be your boyfriend is looking for a replacement?

[dreamstar72]

Likely = unlikely

[PraviteliNahuiValite]

Get him. The people who threaten him can go fuck themselves.

[Lynnalove]

convince him to leave his family and out of his country , if he truly loves u he would do that

[anon1903]

As somebody from India, oh yeah — you're thoroughly screwed.

[theemperoroda]

You have a right to say something so say something to him its his right to say no

[slatyb]

Can he travel to Australia?

[TheFlak38]

Life is a bitch

[Iron_Man]

That’s horrible arranged marriages

[BrookeS]

Say your goodbyes to him

[Softlife808]

Move on he's marrying the I there chick

[CoraIsHere]

Sounds like up to family

[Blues36]

are you thinking of getting married

[jujus]

Marry him 1st