How can married people keep loving their spouse? I'd lose feelings in a week of being in the same house as them?

[chocolatetwopointo]

[BullShark]

If you feel like you'll lose feelings for someone you married in just a week, then you shouldn't even continue to see them let alone get married to them.

Marriage isn't a joke. It's a lifelong commitment you make to someone who you're sure you love more than even yourself, and for whom you're willing to spend the rest of your life with (why else do you think the vows explicitly state "till death do us part"?) so if you're unsure whether you actually love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with, or if you feel like you need more time to figure them out, DO NOT get in a rush to tie the knot just yet. Learn to get to know them first, all their faults and flaws, and all the things you like and dislike about them.

I've seen couples in their 80s pushing for 90 who have been together for more than 50 years and are still madly in love with each other, so much so, that when one of them finally dies, the other doesn't feel like living anymore either, and the heartbreak alone sometimes kills them too in a couple of months.

[OlderAndWiser]

You are 19 years old, relatively inexperienced in dating and inexperienced in life in general. As you get older and experience the things that life sends your way, your thoughts and feelings will change, and you will wake up one morning and be surprised at how much you have changed since you were 19 years old.

[chocolatetwopointo]

i won't, trust me

[OlderAndWiser]

"Never forget that you are absolutely unique. . . just like everyone else." -- Margaret Mead

[chocolatetwopointo]

huh?

[midnightmoon05]

Older and wiser - some are not teachable

[OlderAndWiser]

@midnightmoon05 Experience will be the best teacher!

[midnightmoon05]

Agree 💯

[XHopelessRomanticX]

Love is something much more profound than mere feelings. Love is waking up everyday and making the decision to consider the other person as more important than yourself. That is a hard thing to do. Love is hard sometimes, and so is marriage. Marriage is not designed to make people happy. Marriage has its own problems. But people can absolutely be happy in marriage.

[SugarSugarplum]

Love matures.
It may start out like a roller coaster, but it changes into a warm, secure place: a refuge from the bullshit and stupidity of the outside world. Assuming all goes well.

[chocolatetwopointo]

does it tho?

[SugarSugarplum]

if all goes well.

[Finchie40]

Because they love each other and choose each other , and accept each others’ flaws , it won’t always be perfect but when you meet someone that chooses you the same you choose them that’s where love grows between you both.

[DishLady]

You're a kid, that's why. When you're mature enough for an actual relationship you'll find the patience and endurance for a relationship.

[McLlovin]

Love isn’t an emotion its a decision. Love is like the gold that gives the dollar bill value. Just because you rip up the dollar doesn’t mean the gold no longer exists. People to often mistake how they feel as the ultimate representation of love. Wrong. How you react and do what you despite how you feel is the true representation of your love for someone you actually love.

would you most likely die for someone you like, or someone you love? Feelings are fleeting and unreliable. Immature “love” relies on how they feel, comparable to high school sweethearts. Mature love is hard work and is why a lot of people divorce.

[Anonymous]

Cause the entire point of being 19 is to make irreversible stupid senseless mistakes over and over and over and over and over again, you gotta screw over at least 5 guys that would have given you the happiest best life ever, and go get pile driven by men who don’t like you until you realize none of them truly want you and only want sex, then you will make your decision.

[Anonymous]

The initial attraction and crazy love eventually matures into something longer lasting that becomes the bedrock of your union.
It's not that you don't see and feel that they are annoying at times and should be murdered in their sleep, it's more that they are part of your future and your now and you choose not to.
Of course, for many, feelings change but they tend to get divorced rather then risk 10 to 15.

[boggboss]

Because when u love someone it tends to be more then just feelings that can fade within a week lol

[chocolatetwopointo]

ok then ill never get married lmao

[boggboss]

Fair enough it's not for everyone

[RavVid]

Obviously those relationships that don't get to marriage. Bearing in mind all my relationships have failed, I don't think keeping feelings of love is the problem.

It is keeping the feeling of lust that s the challenge.

[Jamie05rhs]

@RavVid Why do you feel that it's a challenge to stay attracted to someone?

[RavVid]

@Jamie05rhs The frequency with which a couple have sex is observed to decrease with time. I am defining lust as desire to copulate with your partner implicitly in this and you might not agree.

Put a male rat in a cage with a female rat and the frequency in which he mounts her is high initially but decreases over time.

Pop a novel female rat into the cage with both of them and the male rat is all over both of them like a rash.

[Jamie05rhs]

@RavVid Ohhh. ... But do you mean on their part? Or your part? Who is the person who becomes less sexually attracted to the other person?

[RavVid]

@Jamie05rhs I don't think it matters.

Most typically it is the woman who starts declining sex but you see women here saying they want more sex than they are getting and complaining they have to initiate. But most typically it is the woman who is declining.

A girlfriend started to decline after a scant 6 months. I tricked her but eventually the trick stopped working. If sex becomes uncommon, then they stop being your sex object and become a lump on the couch instead.

If they stop being your sex object the they stop being sexually attractive and more like your sister.

It's a lot of work if you aren't getting sex for it.

[Jamie05rhs]

@RavVid I think I understand what you're saying.

But what do you mean when you say that you tricked her?

[RavVid]

@Jamie05rhs When she started saying No after a mere 6 months, i saw the shop shutters coming down and thought I can't let her get away with this.

The next time she said No, in a moment of sheer inspiration I told her No turned me on and demanded she say No again... and again... and again. Her No's started getting playful and she took responsibility for turning me. I think in some reverse way saying No did turn her on.

Whilst i was lying through my teeth when I said No turned me on initially, it did start turning me on in reality.

All was goodness for a couple of years. Then one day she told me an interfering girlfriend had sad to her "Let me get this right. If you say Yes you have sex. If you say No you have sex. Maybe you need to say Yes we won't have sex".

The magic trick immediately lost it's power and in time we broke up.

It was still a good trick though and I got another two years out of her.

[Jamie05rhs]

Damn. I just don't get how her friend had to be so negative. Like she didn't want her friend to get laid? She didn't want her to have pleasure?
But I guess all women are jealous of each other, right?

[Jamie05rhs]

And I don't see what her (your girlfriend's) objective was. Like, how did she think that was going to end?

[Jamie05rhs]

I personally can understand not wanting to be taken advantage of. But she also needs to think logically. If she already gave you the sex, then if you WERE taking advantage of her, then the taking advantage already happened. So in that case the best course of action is just to end the relationship entirely. ... Unless it was some sort of test? I don't know. But tests usually don't work. (But I guess maybe women still haven't caught onto that little fact of reality.)

[Jamie05rhs]

Anyway, I'm just saying all of this from an objective point of view, looking at it from the outside. I'm a Christian, so I don't even have sex before marriage at all.

[RavVid]

@Jamie05rhs Yes female intra-sex competition is vicious. Females were dependent on group support back in the tribal days so fempol 101 is to isolate a competitor out of the group. If a girl has a problem with your girlfriend the first think they will think of is being really sweet & nice to you to get you on her side.

Oh yeah girls sure will sabotage a friend's relationship. Another of her girlfriends was quite angry that I was interfering with her relationship with girlfriend. In fact all of her female friends tried to end it.

[Jamie05rhs]

@RavVid Ah. Yep. Typical

[Jamie05rhs]

Why did she think you were interfering with her relationship [with her friend], though?

[RavVid]

@Jamie05rhs Just jealous & possessive I spose. They still had their weekly dinner together. So no logical reason. I guess girls can be jealous because guy/girl relationship can be very close. Which means her relationship is automatically not so close. A couple of them became my fan girls after a while.

[Jamie05rhs]

@RavVid Yeah; that's so dumb. Lol

[Open-minded99]

So not true. Be yourself. Someone will come along and change all that. Tell the devil to leave you alone

[chocolatetwopointo]

im fine thanks

[jazzy34]

Love isn’t the same as having a crush on someone. Love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. That’s why it’s a good idea to really get to know someone before even considering marriage.

[ProbablyClueless]

Loving someone that way is a choice, it's not a feeling.

You get up every morning and make that choice.

[chocolatetwopointo]

what if u hate someone u can't js chose to love them?

[ProbablyClueless]

You DO kind of just decide to, interestingly. It's a really crazy thing to think about, but expressions of love take many forms. Sometimes you have to love people from a distance. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to let someone self destruct so you can be there to help them rebuild.

The Christians would call that "love the person, hate the behavior." A more secular way to look at it is that you decide your connection with the person is worth trying to overcome the tension and hurt they've caused.

[chocolatetwopointo]

when christians say that they mean respect, not get married and have kids with them

[ProbablyClueless]

If you're lucky! Sometimes that's the person you got married to.

But in any case, you get my point: love takes a lot of forms but it all stems from a basic level of empathy.

[asarjam]

You don't - you stay together for loyalty, commitment, children, family, trust... love is an emotion, it will come and go.

[Fireguy17]

it's hard to describe, but when you get older and it happens you will just know.
You just can't imagine that they would not be there.

[chocolatetwopointo]

bro what?

[HelpfulWoman]

you being immature and a troll doesn't mean anything to others

[chocolatetwopointo]

what?

[12karen]

@HelpfulWoman, so true

[LazerBean]

Because we love eachother and did a good job picking a spouse for ourselves

[jojouzumaki]

Because they commit themselves to one another and choose to keep working out their indifferences.

[LiamJHayden]

Love is a committed choice. Anyone who thinks it is the "feeling" is doomed to fail.

[FunkyMonkee]

I guess you don't really know what love is, either.

[Nerdvana]

What kind of toys did you play with when you were younger?

[chocolatetwopointo]

normal ones?

[Nerdvana]

Dolls? barbies? etc?

[chocolatetwopointo]

yeah?

[Nerdvana]

Do you still play with them?

[chocolatetwopointo]

no, why?

[Nerdvana]

The point I am trying to make is you never know how you are going to feel in a few years. You change. You are a different person every 5 years. One day you might find the person you will love forever.

[chocolatetwopointo]

i think ill pass, i dont want to be with somebody.

[Anonymous]

The main aim of a relationship is to build love with someone and keep that love alive. If you do that successfully then you will love your spouse forever.

[Slim57]

Because some people are capable of loving someone, unlike you fortunately

[chocolatetwopointo]

okay then id gladly skip that

[Anonymous]

You're still just a kid. You'll likely grow out of that at some point.

[chocolatetwopointo]

i won't and im not a kid

[RedInnocent69]

If you could get one. That’s okay, lawyers make shitty spouses anyway. 😂

[EnjoytheDay777]

Honestly I agree with you (not a week, but yeah).

[JoeRob67]

I don't know. I did til she filed for divorce

[Jamie05rhs]

Damn, bro. That's terrible. I'm sorry.

[Peridot25]

Sounds like relationships isn’t your thing.

[chocolatetwopointo]

good

[Jamie05rhs]

Love isn't about feelings.

[chocolatetwopointo]

then what is it💀

[Jamie05rhs]

It's a commitment you make to someone.

[chocolatetwopointo]

why would u make a commitment then

[Jamie05rhs]

Because you connect with them. You develop a relationship with them. And you realize that you both share the same values and desires and you have compatible personalities. (The personality thing is HUGE. Do not ever underestimate this or take it for granted.)

[Jamie05rhs]

@chocolatetwopointo
I'm not sure why some of these people are being mean to you. I think that's uncalled for. You didn't do anything wrong. You just asked a question.

[chocolatetwopointo]

can't u do and feel all of that without being married?
yeah i agree I don't know why people r hating, guess they’re bored

[ariadneR]

Because they choose each other every day.

[PsychicBoobs]

Not everyone has a balanced frame of mind.

[Twalli]

Because it's more than sexual attraction

[chocolatetwopointo]

whats that got to do with anything

[Twalli]

You never move beyond lust.

[chocolatetwopointo]

still got nothing to do with this

[Twalli]

It's why people stay married and don't get bored, thry don't only stay because of lust.

[MrGSpotHer]

Because they don't they like eachother

[gatixek710]

No you wouldn’t

[chocolatetwopointo]

yes i would

[gatixek710]

Not if you were dicked down properly.

[chocolatetwopointo]

i still would

[gatixek710]

Nah. I’d keep you entertained.

[chocolatetwopointo]

u wouldn't

[gatixek710]

Sure I would

[chocolatetwopointo]

trust me u wouldn't

[gatixek710]

I’ve already entertained you for a half hour and I don’t even know you.

[chocolatetwopointo]

I've js said ” u wouldn't ” like 5 times now

[Seangreen]

BPD, it's a thing

[jahaims]

They are both mature

[12karen]

Bc they are mature

[eagle1951]

Love