AITA for not wanting my in-laws at the birth of my son?

[Anonymous]

My husband is upset and his mom is mad at me that I don’t want her there for when I give birth especially, actually even more so, since it’s a home birth. Nor do I want her there once I’m home with the baby. I have nothing but love for her but I don’t want anyone around for the beginning. They’re upset/mad because my mom will be. I just do not feel comfortable having people around but my mom and husband. Am I an asshole for not allowing his mom to come?
Breaking the news to her has led to things becoming sour and bitter- on her end. I’m more than happy for her and her husband to come by a few weeks after but no, my husband and his mom feel she should be there.
I told my husband it’s my body on display and pushing the baby out which he has said he understands BUT to them, especially his mom, if my mom is there then she has the right to be there.
I almost want to tell my husband he can't be there as a result…
At first they had a huge problem with me naming my son after my dad- my husband was happy with this choice, but now this.
I wouldn’t have thought ME being pregnant would become EVEYRONE else’s concern.
This is also our first child

[Orion84]

I say this with no disrespect for her, or anyone else, but... fuck her.

YOU are the soon-to-be-mother. This is YOU giving birth. If there's one time, and one time only, that YOUR wishes are paramount, it's giving birth to your child. Period. End of discussion.

She's got a problem with that? She can eat a dick. If you were giving birth at the hospital, the staff would honor your wishes, and keep everyone out that you don't want there. Physically, if necessary, because hospital staff know the mother comes first.

The fact that it's a home birth changes nothing. What you want, you get. This is the one time in your life that you have ever right to make demands.

[WindAtMyBack]

It's completely absurd that they think they should be there. That is extreme entitlement, and I find it hard to believe that anyone would suggest such a thing.

If you don't want them to be there, then they should not be there. There should be no further discussion about it. If you don't want them there, tell them no and don't feel even a little but guilty about it.

[HollyK21]

If you don’t have a very good, substantial reason then I really think you should include her, because she’s part of your child too. You say you love her to death, so cross those comfort boundaries and let her in. You may not be the closest with her but this is so important for your husband to have his own mom there, and you should let him have that.

[HollyK21]

It’s her grandchild coming into the world too after all, her first one. Why can’t she be there with your mom? For them to share that moment as first grandparents? Unless she’s deserving of being excluded then you don’t have a great reason to rob your husband and her of that experience.

[Asker]

I don’t love her to death, I do love her but we aren’t close. She’s his mom and we spend time with them but that’s it. I just feel it’s my body and I don’t want it to just been see by anyone especially in the moment of giving birth. Also, my midwife is my best friend I’ve had since I was 8. So the people I want in the room are people I’m comfortable with. I almost feel like I’m being robbed of comfort and respect in one of the most vulnerable moments in my life all to make his mom happy, who already had her own kids. This also isn’t her first grandchild, it is my first child but her daughter and second son already have had their own kids. This is my parents first ever grandchild, my stepdad also doesn’t have any kids himself so the both of them it’s a first.

[HollyK21]

Even if it’s not her first grandchild in general, it’s the first of your husbands and he really wants his mom there. You have the right to decline her there and valid for how you feel, but when I read what you say, I just see all of your wants without much or any of your husband. Trust me when I say I’d never suggest something I wouldn’t consider myself, and when I think of my fiancé’s mom and having her in the room while I give birth, doesn’t sound the most desirable either. I have little to no relationship with her, so to imagine her seeing me naked and in my most vulnerable moment sounds like a lot. But if my fiancé, who’d also be a first time parent, really wanted his mom to see this baby come into the world, I’d really give it some consideration. Outside of my own comfort zone, just to make the moment feel about him as well.

[HollyK21]

Also my bad for misrepresenting you loving her to death, in my mind having a lot of love for someone, especially an in law, usually means it’s with deep regards. Perfectly fine if that’s not the case.

[HollyK21]

Actually scratch those thoughts. Nevermind. The more I think about this even after writing it out, maybe I’m just being too empathetic. I really try putting myself in your shoes and with my fiancé he asks for so little and that’s such a big moment, so if he really wanted this I’d probably accommodate. However, it really is a discomfort even the idea of his mom in the room so I can really see how you wouldn’t want that. It’s a tough spot but at the end of the day, this is your body going through it and you should be the most relaxed. If that includes her not in the room then they’ll just have to understand.

[Asker]

Well I ended up having a massive breakdown last night from the stress and anxiety from everything. Freaked me and my husband out so he’s decided to not have her around. I just can’t be fine with people I’m not comfortable around, seeing me at my most vulnerable moment and naked too. My mom I’m extremely close with, I mean I’m her baby so I know she’ll be taking care of me, make me comfortable and care for me. She’s also cooking meals for me and coming to stay with us to help. His mom hasn’t offered any genuine help for us, just wants to be there for the baby. I just feel so much entitlement from her for MY moment. I know my mom’s there to see the baby but even more she’s there for me. I’m usually a people pleaser but this is the one moment I can’t really share… thank you for talking about this all with me. I’ve needed to vent to someone

[HollyK21]

I think that’s a perfectly fine and fair choice. Right now isn’t the time for what I’m about to suggest, you should focus solely on your mental health and bringing your baby into the world peacefully. However, maybe these are things you can communicate to his mom in the future, in regards to her involvement, support and how these things contributed to why she couldn’t be there for this birth. I say this because maybe an open conversation like that could be be the pathway to growing your connection and maybe in the future you’d feel comfortable having her in the room for your next baby if it were still something she and your husband want so much of course. When I put myself in your shoes and think about moving forward with my fiancés mom, I think there’s the potential for us to be closer and me to feel comfortable one day having her there. As of now no, so I get where you’re coming from, but maybe one day. Also, no worries at all! I’m wishing you a happy and healthy experience 💛

[itsannalee]

Do whatever you want to do and let’s will you be happy if you have the daughter in law who exactly like you and treat you like her now. If the answer yes, so there is nothing wrong with what you do.

[itsannalee]

Let’s see

[Asker]

If my daughter in law didn’t want me there but had her mom there, that would be fine with me. Like I wouldn’t be upset whatsoever. I’m not saying they can’t be apart of our lives, more than happy for them to be around, just not while I’m naked in a bath pushing out a baby… I treat my in laws very well and have actually helped them a lot, financially especially, regardless of not being close with them. Weekly I do a lot for them and never hold any of it to them. I ask for one day and some time where I’ll be butt naked and pushing out a child and I’m a terrible person.

[Stevepro68]

If she cannot understand you wanting some personal dignity and privacy then it's too bad but not your responsibility. If you want to be a devil, you could tell her that she can be present as long as she is naked from the waist down as well.

[Asker]

Yes! The people I’ve got in the room are all people I’m super comfortable with and who I know will be good to have around me in that moment. I can’t believe how entitled some people can be… i had quite the breakdown last night from anxiety and just stress this is causing me so thankfully my husband has seen how it’s getting to me. Will be interesting when he breaks the news to her this weekend.