Why do people assume a marriage without romance is miserable?

[Anonymous]

I married someone without romance. he's not the love of my life. But he is someone that I have decided to have children with. He taught me to drive, he pays all the bills. Now I have someone to do things with, enjoy conversations. Someone to be there for me, take care of me when I'm sick, someone I can travel with. He owns property and has multiple income streams. I don't have to work if I don't want to. Someone I find very attractive... why is this so bad? soon, we will have kids which would be the biggest gift from god. I'm honestly very content and happy... Just don't know why people must think that marriages without romance must be awful... Its way better than single life, where nobody gives a crap about you

[Ariesman81]

It's a very pragmatic outlook. It's really all a guy needs. Someone to feed him, someone to create a legacy with and someone to call 911 when the tractor flips.

[Asker]

We have a lot of fun traveling too. The sex is amazing

[Ariesman81]

Good for you. Just remember balconies aren't only for coffee and you'll do great.

[Anonymous]

Hun not everyone is as smart as you're...😘

[HollyK21]

Everyone is different. There are plenty of women who marry out of convenience and maybe even an urgency to hit those milestones like marriage and babies. That’s a big contributor (outside of solely religion) that people go into arranged marriages, along with security, aka they don’t have to work if they don’t want to. Getting married was your priority, while for other women it’s not of such significant importance. They’d rather be with someone who keeps the spark alive with romantic gestures, which usually contributes to the overall longevity of that relationship, and your ongoing interest in your partner. If that’s not very important to you, it’s totally fine, to each their own.

[Asker]

Romance marriages actually have a significantly higher fail rate than arrange marriage

[HollyK21]

I didn’t make any comparisons, I simply stated that romance contributes to the longevity of that relationship, which I very specifically applied as a person to person basis, hence my mention of “that” relationship. It could be any one relationship. If we want to play semantics and statistics, yes arranged marriages have a lower divorce rate, but that’s usually contributed to by family dynamics/support, and greater societal pressure, which I’d mainly base around religious beliefs.

[Asker]

Arrange marriages actually are more stable than romantic relationships since marriage is more about duty such as providing for the family or taking care of the family rather than staying depending on whether the sex is still hot enough.

This way, Children are more likely to have stable family homes

Romance marriages- feelings change all the time. Maybe if the spark disappears, you will be looking for someone else. Maybe the sex wasn't what it used to be, you will be looking for someone else

Romance marriages actually have a much higher fail rate than arrange marriages

[HollyK21]

I don’t want to make arranged marriages the focal point of my statement or this conversation, because I said other things as well that I think apply more to the topic of this discussion, which is you wondering why people assume that a marriage without romance is miserable. I simply used arranged marriages as a reference point to people not necessarily marrying out of love and instead convenience and security. I’m not saying that the longevity of a marriage revolves solely on whether or not there’s romance, other elements of compatibility have to play a role in order for that marriage to thrive. I’d absolutely say that a relationship that centers sex, romantic gestures and isn’t based in fundamental comparabilities won’t thrive. I’m simply saying that it helps keep the spark there and you need some sort of romantic attraction to be fully happy. You’ve stated elsewhere that this guy is handsome, the sex is amazing, you too see qualities in the relationship that don’t solely revolve around what he can provide. I don't know if you’d be as content if those factors didn’t exist.

[Asker]

@hollyk21

what you need to realize is that...

just because there is conversational chemistry, it really won't mean this person will treat you well and stick it through with you during the hard times.

the survival of a marriage really has to do with how determined two people are to weather through the hard times. It has little to do with chemistry or passion.

Passion can fizzle out through the years. Just like amazing sex can fizzle out eventually. If you are married to someone who is constantly looking for someone better than the last, always seeking the best of the best... your chances of a forever marriage is very low.

most people go into marriage for enjoyment, not because they truly mean to be with you forever. they will stay as long as they still get the hottest sex ever, as long as you still look good, as long as the conversational chemistry is still there. Once any of these things start to go downhill, they will start feeling dissatisfied and start looking for someone else. Conversational chemistry can change. Post partum depression can change a person's personality. Getting old, cranky and being in pain can change someone's personality.

Arrange marriages are not for enjoyment, which means your spouse likely won't stray once the sex goes downhill, or if you start looking fat, or if the passion fizzles out. Arrange marriages aren't people who are constantly looking for a dopamine hit. These are people who very strongly value family and taking care of their family. Putting their family first rather than their own selfish interests of enjoying the hottest sex available.

[HollyK21]

@Abbycado is it me or does this response sound like ChatGPT? Sounds very mechanical.

In any case anon, what was your point in getting married? Was it arranged? Or why did you pick this man?

[Asker]

@hollyk21

I posted this because I needed to break this misconception that arrange marriages must be bad while romance marriages must be good.

I married him because I lived in NYC, sick and tired of the dating scene there, where everyone was constantly looking for someone better than the last. This is the culture there. Dating then dumping, find someone new, then dump them. Then repeat the cycle over and over again. It had been a non stop date then dump cycle. Nobody wanted to settle down and have kids. I have met 35 yr old men in NYC who think they are too young to get married and start a family. I see married couples who would divorce over the pettiest reasons, even at the expense of their children's wellbeing.

NYC is filled with commitment-phobes who are ridiculously pick and selective on who they marry. They are afraid of commitment because they very well know that they will only stay married UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS if it serves them.

If the conversational chemistry will remain stellar, if the physical attraction is still there, if their spouse will always give them what they want. They're unwilling to stay married if there are any subpar conditions. This is why they would never go for someone who is just "good enough" but rather wait for their ultimate golden unicorn

I was just tired of these types of people, where they would only stay in a marriage if everything remained the same till 50 years later. This is why there are so many people who are divorced nowadays.

There are also many people out there who deliberately not work on their current relationships but rather deliberately ruin them so they can go look for someone else. Many people hold the mentality that the "grass is always greener" on the other side of the fence. Leave this spouse, your next spouse might even be worse

[Asker]

A lot of people out there don't understand the value of marriage. They believe that its better to stay alone, neglected, uncared for than to have someone there for them. If you get sick, who the hell would care for you? if you died, who the hell would set up a funeral for you? who the hell would give a crap about you? nobody cares about you if you are single. thats is just the pure truth... My parents understood they needed each other which was why they stayed married for so long.

Plus, it was very hard to find someone who reciprocated feelings. If he likes, me, I don't like him back. If I like him, he won't like me back. Its been an endless cycle.

Most people are unamrried nowadays because they live under this delusion that they don't need anyone. Sure, you don't need anyone while you're young, capable of taking care of yourself, making money, parents are still alive. But once you are old, helpless, can't take care of yourself, your parents are dead, you have no family, this is the time you need someone. Or if you are unemployed... yes you will need help from someone. And no one will be there for you.

[HollyK21]

So you married him because you became impatient and tired. You prioritized finding a man and getting married vs a relationship finding you. Noted. In my opinion you jumped then gun, and fortunately it sounds to be working in your favor. I just don’t see the point in defending your decision so strongly and outwardly vs just living in your decision and being glad it worked out if you really are as content as you say. Someone who’s fine with a lack of this to that does not feel the need to pick apart people who don’t share that ideology. Most people aren’t married these days because they have other things in life that give them purpose. I’m currently engaged to the man that I’ve had the most serious relationship with, I’ve never centered men or worried about how I could wind up in my future days to the point that I made finding someone a priority. I’ve always said that relationships and babies should just be an extension of an already fulfilling life, and just because you became exhausted with trying to find your match does not make that the case for every other woman.

If I died, I’d either have my family or a will to manage what I left behind. You think no one cares about you, that’s really your own personal biases. This whole mentation sounds like projecting in all honestly and I state this with zero rudeness. You aren’t breaking any misconceptions, because for one, you’ve not said anything about arranged marriages until this discussion and two, all of us aren’t going to think the exact same way about this or that.

Also, I feel like you’re trying to agree with what I’m saying but in another font. I essentially said a relationship needs some sort of spark for it to have real longevity vs two people in a loveless, no romance partnership. I mean do you really just see going on trips, having great sex and being happy as lacking of romance? None of that is romantic?

[HollyK21]

I feel like pushing a narrative that by a certain age you wouldn’t have anyone other than your partner is just in bad faith, rooted in codependency and projection of your own insecurities and I say that respectfully. Your whole ideology sounds based in negative outcomes vs the reality for millions of people. If I dropped dead today I personally have people around who would assure everything was taken care of.

[Asker]

[If I died, I’d either have my family or a will to manage what I left behind. You think no one cares about you, that’s really your own personal biases.]

you don't understand... I'm not talking about who will manage your assets after you die...

I'm talking about you on your deathbed dying from cancer or paralyzed from a stroke unable to care for yourself... who will run to your bed side and care for you? will you just suffer all on your own?

by the time you get sick and die, your parents will be long dead. If you don't have children, you're mostly screwed. Your nieces and nephews won't be there everyday to care for you.

do you know what happens to people who live alone? they drop dead in their homes, where no one will find them for weeks or even months. Their bodies will rot in stench. Then eventually their landlord will knock their door down, throw out their belongings and sell all their valuables.

plus, being single, doing everything alone, is not fun. No matter how bright of a rainbow you like to paint it as. We are not designed to be alone. We are designed to thrive in communities where we feel loved, supported and cared for. When you are single, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU.

Your siblings married and have children- no longer have time to see you. They have bigger priorities such as taking care of their own children and spouse. Or they might move 1000 miles away. Your parents are dead... who will be there for you?

if you lose your job, who will help with the bills? . No one. Your friend won't pay your bills.

there are people out there who wonder if anyone will attend their funeral. I don't know why you act like this type of stuff doesn't matter or doesn't exist.

[Asker]

[’ve always said that relationships and babies should just be an extension of an already fulfilling life,]

let me tell you something about human nature. We are DESIGNED to thrive in communities with loving reationships. Most of us are designed by nature to want children. If huamns weren't designed to want and love their children, the human population wouldn't have survived for thousands of years.

humans are not designed to be alone. You will never find fulfillment being alone. this is why loneliness exists. humans are designed to thrive in a loving, supportive community. All throughout thousands of years, humans have evolutionized to live in families, villages, tribes, with other people. Only in the recent 2 decades, is where people start claiming they don't need anyone. Without loving relationships, you will never find fulfillment in your life.

What if I told you that having children gave enormous fulfillment?

humans are not designed to be loners. No, your friend who visits you once a week will not fill that void.

[Asker]

[I feel like pushing a narrative that by a certain age you wouldn’t have anyone other than your partner is just in bad faith, rooted in codependency and projection of your own insecurities and I say that respectfully. ]

because as you get older, your dating pool grows smaller. If you can't find love while your dating pool is large and everyone is still physically attractive, and you're still attractive, then it will only get worse as you get older. Especially as you can no longer provide children, your dating pool decreases significantly.

would you rather find someone while you still have plenty of options or find someone when you have few to no options?

And for the people who marry late in life, its usually because they have realized they are running out of options as they're getting older so they're more willing to settle. Also because people are more mature, stable, and know what they want by the time they hit a certain older age.

[Asker]

[ I mean do you really just see going on trips, having great sex and being happy as lacking of romance? None of that is romantic?]

Yea, we do go on road trips and we have a ton of fun. He introduced me to so many places. I didn't even have enough money for a car. He had a car. I wouldn't have been able to do this if I hadn't met him. We also plan on leaving the country to travel too. We are planning on doing all our traveling before the kids come out. Once the kids come out, it'll be super hard to travel.

[HollyK21]

Im not talking about finances. I’m addressing you saying:

“If you died, who the hell would set up a funeral for you? who the hell would give a crap about you? nobody cares about you if you are single”

What would happen is I have family and friends if I wound up in one of the situations you presented.

“My parents understood they needed each other which was why they stayed married for so long.”

25-29 age range, your parents grew up in a time where women were fighting even harder for their rights than we still have to in 2026. In the 80s women intensively faced societal, economical, even political resistance to ultimately still rely on men. We didn’t even get Roe V wade til like the 70s. If it’s your grandparents who helped influence this ideology then I can’t help to think they didn’t marry out of love but convenience.

[HollyK21]

“do you know what happens to people who live alone? they drop dead in their homes, where no one will find them for weeks or even months. Their bodies will rot in stench. Then eventually their landlord will knock their door down, throw out their belongings and sell all their valuables. “

On the contrary, I have two aunts and a grandma who live alone and don’t concern themselves with dying everyday, as you seem to. They’ve got shit to do and lives to live. My grandma is a 76 year old widow, who lives a comfortable life surrounded by family. My oldest aunt is in her late 50s, intentionally single, loves to travel, be healthy and feed her hobbies. Obviously these experiences don’t apply to everyone, but you’re intentionally leaning into the situations where this does work because it suits your argument. In my opinion these conversations are efforts to make you feel better about marrying without romance and chastising those who choose the opposite.

“plus, being single, doing everything alone, is not fun. No matter how bright of a rainbow you like to paint it as.

Why the hell not? Seriously, if I weren’t a relationship I’d be just as active as I am now, because I was the same while single. Life doesn’t revolve around having a partner no matter how much YOU try negating that fact.

[HollyK21]

“We are not designed to be alone. We are designed to thrive in communities where we feel loved, supported and cared for.”

Key word: COMMUNITY. Doesn’t that consist of more than one person? Or can we just not be content without a relationship because you say so?

“When you are single, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. “

A projection unlike I’ve ever seen. Sorry you don’t think you’d have anyone who cares for you if it isn’t your husband. Thankfully not all of us can relate.

“Your siblings married and have children- no longer have time to see you. They have bigger priorities such as taking care of their own children and spouse.”

Again projection.

“if you lose your job, who will help with the bills?”

I don't know maybe my savings and/or unemployment savings that you use until you find another job.

Lhere are people out there who wonder if anyone will attend their funeral. I don't know why you act like this type of stuff doesn't matter or doesn't exist.”

Please quote where we discussed funerals or I acted like death doesn’t matter/exist.

“ If huamns weren't designed to want and love their children, the human population wouldn't have survived for thousands of years.”

Not everyone wants kids, especially in this economy. Again, everyone is different and you have your own way you wanna live, but not everyone centers men and babies which I think is totally fine.

“You will never find fulfillment being alone. this is why loneliness exists.”

Again, I don’t need to be alone. You think you need a man to feel whole and I disagree.

“humans are designed to thrive in a loving, supportive community.”

Again, community is more than one person.

“What if I told you that having children gave enormous fulfillment?”

Stop being so biased. Not everyone wants kids woman wants kids or are cut out for that lifestyle.

[HollyK21]

**where this doesn’t work

[Asker]

[What would happen is I have family and friends if I wound up in one of the situations you presented.]

your parents are dead... your siblibngs are married off and have kids of their own. Once your siblibgs get married, they won't be rushing to your bedside caring for you every night. They need t pick their kids up from school, they need to babysit, cook, clean. If their husband needs help with something, their husband comes first. Or your siblibgs might move a hundred miles away. Its not uncommon for siblibgs to separate in adulthood.

Plus, even if you do have amazing family to care for you (most people do not), you are one of the EXCEPTIONS.

Swallow your pride and admit that IS better to have a spouse and children than to not have them.

[25-29 age range, your parents grew up in a time where women were fighting even harder for their rights than we still have to in 2026.]

no. we have to fight harder now. Our cost of living is through the roof. Millions of americans are unable to afford grocieries, dont have enough money to raise kids. Things were much cheaper back then. Rent was much more affordable.

Being married also means financial security. Of course two people paying 2000 in rent is easier than 1 person having to pay that entire sum. Of course groceries are more affordable on two income household than on 1. My parents understood this.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings or come off as disrespectful. But you seem to be in denial about the truth, out of pride

[Asker]

[Key word: COMMUNITY. Doesn’t that consist of more than one person? Or can we just not be content without a relationship because you say so?]

you can exist in a loose community where you know nobody will run to your bedside to care for you ever night if you're sick... your local pastor visiting you once a week isn't the same as someone who will go to your house to bathe you and cook for you every day. Your friend won't pay your bills if you lost your job for 2 years.
OR you can get married and have a husband who will be willing to support you every step of the way.

Not all community is the same. And yes, it makes a whole lot of a difference.

[I don't know maybe my savings and/or unemployment savings that you use until you find another job.]

due to our high cost of living, won't you think your savings will run out? how about you WASTE you entire retirement savings? so now you have nothing left for retirement. Sounds great right?

unemployment income isn't enough. especially in our high cost of living. And you need to reapply for unemployment income. Its not always guaranteed they will give it to you.

If you got fired, you won't get ANY unemployment income.

why are you so fearful of needing other people?

why do you think loneliness is such a huge epidemic in our modern society?
because people are no longer getting married...

why are americans so financially unstable? because cost of living is increasing... things are getting incredibly expensive... and they're paying bills all on their own on one income.

swallow your pride and just admit what I'm saying makes 100% logical sense.

[HollyK21]

Swallow my pride? You mean swallow YOUR narrow minded opinion of why people should marry out of anything other than love? I’m fortunately engaged to a man who does care about keeping the romance alive. He’s been consistent about that since literally day one, his effort has never changed, neither has his interest and I believe that’s because we are genuinely compatable. I don’t need to sit online trying to convince people that I’m happy in this sort of relationship and that everyone should fall in line, aim for the same thing and if they don’t, then they’re prideful and in denial. That’s gaslighting if I ever did see it.

I remember you on your “babygirl-s” account before it most likely got banned. You’re an Indian woman who drags people into these nonsensical back and forth conversations about the arranged marriages you think we should all be in. Not to mention the fixation with Henry Cavill. I know this conversation will go no where, and I was never interested in such a lengthy debate, I wasn’t interested in debating at all. So we will just agree to disagree, I will continue to be happy that I’m marrying out of love and encourage others to do the same. Goodbye.

[Asker]

Yea sure... marry for love... so why does your culture have such a high divorce rate?

[HollyK21]

I think you’re having a hard time understanding which is why I didn’t bother reading the other comments once I clicked and saw the lengthy responses. This conversation is over, BabygirlS. I already know how these conversations go with you and I’m just not interested. Too long, too one sided, too closed minded. I did not make my original comment with any plan to debate, and that’s what it’s turned into. So respect my boundaries and move on. I do not want or care for arranged marriages. It’s part of your religion so you’d be in this no matter what you chose. This is a waste of time.

[Asker]

@hollyk21

So if love was the ingredient necessary for a forever marriage then why don't your marriages work in your culture?

You can't answer that, right?

[Asker]

Obviously love isn't the ingredient to a forever marriage.

[HollyK21]

Not interested. Goodbye.

[Asker]

@hollyk21

You're not interested cuz you know you're wrong and you can't argue with my logic

[HollyK21]

I’m not interested because you’re a troll and it shows. Goodbye.

[Asker]

@hollyk21

Just because the truth hurts your feelings, it doesn't mean it's not true

Grow up

[HollyK21]

@hollyk21

Just because the truth hurts your feelings, it doesn't mean it's not true

Grow up

[Asker]

@hollyk21

You were the one who lost this argument

[Asker]

@hollyk21

Yea sure... marry for love... so why does your culture have such a high divorce rate?

Answer it

[HollyK21]

You were the one who lost this argument

[HollyK21]

@hollyk21

Yea sure... marry for love... so why does your culture have such a high divorce rate?

Answer it

[Asker]

@hollyk21

My culture doesn't have a high divorce rate. Haha

[HollyK21]

@hollyk21

My culture doesn't have a high divorce rate. Haha

[Simslover92]

While marriage with romance is certainly not a requirement, for many it's the glue that keeps them together.

Personally, I want to feel that spark and passion when I meet someone that I will eventually marry. I think it's what will hold the marriage together when times are rough because sometimes sex or a sort of transactional arrangement or partnership just won't do that.

[Asker]

Arrange marriages actually are more stable than romantic relationships since marriage is more about duty such as providing for the family or taking care of the family rather than staying depending on whether the sex is still hot enough.

This way, Children are more likely to have stable family homes

[Asker]

Romance marriages- feelings change all the time. Maybe if the spark disappears, you will be looking for someone else. Maybe the sex wasn't what it used to be, you will be looking for someone else

Romance marriages actually have a much higher fail rate than arrange marriages

[Simslover92]

I don't know anyone in my personal life who didn't marry for love and have been married for many years, so I will have to say we will have to agree to disagree on this one.

[Asker]

@simslover92

Google the divorce rates for the US, it sits at 50%

Google. the divorce rates for arrange marriages, its only 3%

[OneViewpoint]

Some of us recognize this one chance at life is finite and we don't want to waste it settling for half a life with a platonic roommate because it's easy and comfortable. If that life is good enough for you, I have no opinion on your choice. Do whatever works for you. I assume he knows how you feel and he's OK with an asexual roommate of convenience for the rest of his life. Did you ever ask him? If not, you may want to. Else you may get a nasty surprise in 10 years.

[OneViewpoint]

I'd love to see his response when you tell him you chose him as your mule in life.

"I married someone without romance. he's not the love of my life. But he is someone that I have decided to have children with. He taught me to drive, he pays all the bills. Now I have someone to do things with, enjoy conversations. Someone to be there for me, take care of me when I'm sick, someone I can travel with.

Its way better than single life, where nobody gives a crap about you."

I'm betting you haven't been honest with this guy because that would jeopardize you getting what you want. You've probably just avoided the conversation. Dishonesty from the start is one hell of a fucked up way of using someone for a lifetime. Good luck with that!

Like I said, you may get an unpleasant surprise in about 10 years when he realizes he's nothing more than your meal ticket and someone to do chores for you. That's exactly what I did to my asexual wife / excellent roommate.

[Anonymous]

I've seen it up close. I don't think I've ever seen my parents show anything resembling affection. I think I felt love before, and thats all I want now. I'm used to being alone, so that isn't an issue for me.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Whenever you fall in love, you will leave that man behind without looking back once

[Asker]

Falling in love won't guarantee the relationship will work out. It won't mean he will stick with you during hard times. That's why I would never a marriage that is already working

[Asker]

Fall in love with someone else, ditch your husband, once the dating doesn't work out. You are left with no one.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I’ve seen a marriage like yours in my grandparents. Both refuse to divorce despite the fact that they’re not in love. Over the course of 60 years they have both repeatedly cheated on each other with different lovers, and being around them is a practice in patience because they never stop nitpicking and bickering about things that don’t matter because both need a sense of control that constantly conflicts with the other’s. I don’t wish that on anybody.

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer

We don't bicker at all. We enjoy living and doing things together. We plan on having a baby in 2 years. We have the same goals and want to live in the south. We are financially stable and have a lot of fun traveling. Sex is amazing

Don't put your jaded self on other peoples relationships

Even romantic relationships can turn sour. Marrying for romance doesn't guarantee anything

[Asker]

Arrange marriages actually are more stable than romantic relationships since marriage is more about duty such as providing for the family or taking care of the family rather than staying depending on whether the sex is still hot enough.

This way, Children are more likely to have stable family homes

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I get that you’re frustrated with having your arranged marriage be shamed, but I also think you feel bad about it on some level too, otherwise you would post this under your real username and not anonymous

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer

I think you're a very jaded person. That's why you look for all sorts of excuses to assume everyone else is as bitter and jaded as you

As much as you can't believe it, I'm really not unhappy

I'm anonymous in every post or question I ask. That's because I just prefer not to be attacked or targeted or stalked due to my opinions

[Asker]

And as for social media, I never post face pics of myself, it's just my preference.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

That’s a lie and we both know it

[jahaims]

Because emotionally healthy people understand what is missing if their is no romance

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t deserve this arrangement of being used by u. Unless he knows it and wants it

[Asker]

he wants me because he wants children and a family to be there for him.
We both want a family. And we are happy.

[Mrtcn01]

this is romance what you are explaning above sis.. :D

[Anonymous]

Because that is a miserable existence.

[Asker]

But I'm not tho

[tnttlc]

its sad