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Waking Up Wrong

Waking up wrong.

Everyone who's ever looked at themself and felt like they weren't exactly themself, you may know what I'm talking about when I say the word transgender. Yeah. The big, hot-topic word of the year.

By definition, transgender is someone who doesn't identify with the gender they were born with, for those of you who don't know. And I identify with this term. All too well, in fact.

The big issue with being trans, is that I feel like my skin isn't fitting me right, mainly when people call me "him" and I feel the sting of the word. I could almost compare it to getting your most sensitive tooth pulled. I physically appear as a very masculine man, and that's why my...condition is so difficult for me. Honestly? I've met few people who have asked what my pronouns are, and how I identify. Yeah, there's a very big decline in homophobia, and less disbelief in bisexuality being real, but the assumption of identity hurts. A lot. I understand he psychology behind assuming things based solely on a appearance, but people could be a bit more considerate. As I digress, I'd like to bring a focus to the other end of this message.

If I were swapped into the most femmenine, high maintainance body ever I would be perfectly fine with that. Simply because I'm large, masculine, and care free doesn't mean I don't prefer femininity. In fact, I would feel more comfortable being the societal stereotype "woman" rather than the lumberjack of a man I was born as.

Currently, I am 183cm(5'11") and 83kg(about 185lb) and I hate it. Most of my life, I've felt too big, almost like a gorilla, compared to my preferred existence. Yeah, I'm working on my transition, though it isn't very easy with the parentage I live under. And I receive no end of comments on my physical appearance. "Youre so handsome!" "That's such a boy thing!" Etc. I feel a pain at each remark, because the person I wish so desperately to cast off, and not continue my life as, is only being more and more set in and affirmed as the person people see me as. It hurts like a bitch.

I woke up wrong today, and the day before, and all the way back until birth. I was called a name that isn't mine. But I'm changing that. To all of you out there who think it's hopeless, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I get it, it's a mess of complications. I know that too well. But hold out.

Be strong.

Waking Up Wrong
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