Living with a terminal illness. Here's what it is like.
1. What is the Meaning of Life?
Knowing that you don't have much life left to live naturally leads to this question. It helps new thoughts, actions, and feelings emerge. You want to take inventory of your life, so you ask questions, have hopes, and have fears. You question old memories and create new directions. What is the meaning of life? Living with death around the corner turns everything into perspective. Life is anything but infinite. Life is short. Life ends quickly. Maybe it ends quicker with an illness, but it ends quickly for everyone. You'll figure this out before anyone else.
The hardest part about discovering you have a terminal illness is acknowledging death. It is the first step to the rest of your life. It takes time, especially if the illness was unexpected or sudden. It will be a shock. You will feel numb. But coping takes time. First you let go of the future. You can only live in the present. When you find out that life is so short, it seems like there is no future. And when you are young, there is no past either. There is only present, which is all that matters. This is the hardest thing to figure out. You'll struggle with it until the end.
Why did I have to have this illness?
I'm too young, it isn't fair! Why does cancer even exist?
Why has nobody found a fucking cure yet?
Why am I dying?
It could have been anyone.
I hate how my life is cut off early. I hate how my family and friends lose me. I hate how I lose my future. I hate how short my life is. I hate that it hurts. I hate that I did nothing to deserve this.
I'm scared. I don't want to die. What's after life? What will happen to my parents? I am afraid of death. I'm not ready. I don't know anything! I want to cry. I'm trapped.
Everyone knows that watching someone you love die is the worst thing in the world. Being on the other end is just as bad. If not, worse. You aren't worried about one person losing you. You're worried about everyone losing you. You can try to separate yourself from them during life to make death easier for them. But it will not work. You'll spend every day with them to the fullest. You have a new understanding. You can't take mum for granted. There isn't much time. Even if, like me, you have almost 3 years left to live, it feels like nothing. Especially when 2 years have already passed from diagnosis. They flew by. What happened?
5. Quality of Life
The day I found out, was the last day I ever wanted to self harm. I was a cutter. But the moment I knew I was going to die, I wanted to make the most of it. The most of my 5 years left. I'm 17. I have until I am 20. I am lucky, I can celebrate my 18th birthday. I can drive a car. I can graduate highschool. I can be an adult. I don't want to waste my precious time cutting up my wrists and hips.
6. It Could be Worse
I could have 3 months left instead of 3 years. Bladder cancer is painless. I could have lung cancer, and have to walk around with a tank. I could have breast cancer and have to remove them. I could have skin cancer and then everyone could see. It could be worse. Gratefulness increases tenfold.