I wrote this for my sisters blog entry and it was my first attempt at ever doing. I thought it would be good to share it on here.
I and the family have had a crazy year so far. We lost my mum to cancer in February, February 8th to be exact, and then in May we also lost my grandad to cancer as well. Exactly the same date as my other grandad a year apart. I don't know whats making me want to write this but i just want to share my feelings on what a horrible time the past 6 months have been.
When my mum started falling ill, i just thought she had low iron levels. She fell backwards down the stairs in October and thats when the turbulent time for her was about to begin. She said she felt this darkness just come over her the day before it happened so in a way she knew something was coming. Fast forward to end of October start of November she was having regular trips to the hospital. She was having a lot of blood tests and then end of November she had an appointment with someone important at the hospital. That was the morning/day my life changed forever. I was about to go and view a property and she told me that what the doctors tell her could be the news everyone fears to hear, that she has cancer.
I remember shedding a few tears when she told me. I was completely devastated and as I'm quite a private person i didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I just went to work that day and thought i need to take my mind off this but you can never shut your mind off after being told something like that. After this my mum was going every couple of weeks up until Christmas as the doctors were trying to figure out where the cancer was and the whole time i was thinking why is this taking so long to diagnose properly? I was getting quite angry with the delay so it seemed. My mum was well over Christmas, she made most of the Christmas dinner with the help of my dad. Our last Christmas together as a family was a very special time and it was the first Christmas I've enjoyed in years. I had no idea it would be the last time we would all spend Christmas together as a family.
Move into January i was at Old Trafford on the first Friday of the new year and this was the day my mum was going to find out what treatment she could potentially be getting. A week or so later she got called into hospital because she had high calcium levels which is quite a serious thing in itself alone. This is when my world came crashing down even more, the doctors told my mum that the cancer was incurable. I remember my dad telling me and i couldn't believe it was that serious. I was gobsmacked. You just can't imagine that ever happening to you or someone you're close to. At that time the doctors thought she would be there till the Saturday but she came home on the Thursday. That was a little miracle in spite of a bad circumstance, she was a fighter.
After that things seemed a bit better but it was never going to be okay. End of January, start of February my mum started to get worse and that was the beginning of the end. I was in denial about the whole thing. I thought she was very depressed but what i didn't understand at the time was she was in a lot of pain and the cancer was beginning to take over. She wasn't what my mum used to be anymore.
The week she passed away, she went back into hospital as they knew she had high calcium levels again and was very poorly. That was the end, she passed away on the Thursday where she wanted to be and that was at home. That night i just remember crying all night. Im not one to hold back the tears, i need to let emotion out of me. I knew she was ready to meet her maker and that was what brought me a peace about the whole situation. I have spoken to other people about what they experienced when someone they knew died of cancer. Some people told me they reacted angrily and that was probs mixed in with being completely heartbroken. I don't believe there's a right or wrong way to deal with grief but from my experience this year I believe you need to let the emotion out of you in one way or the other. Don't bottle it up.
I miss my mum everyday. I think about her all the time and her legacy will continue to live on through me. If you took the time to read this then I appreciate it.
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