I want to talk about this but i know im not good at it, so you're getting the short and sweet version.
1. Numbness. My dad was the one who told me my grandma died. It was about 4 in the morning. The only thing i could think was "oh god, it finally happened." Like a meteor that had been approaching for months and months and then decided to hit the moment i stopped watching it.I started to cry a few times, but it wouldn't come out. I guess i just couldnt fathom it then.
2. The breaking point. My dad and i had played cards the night before and the deck was still on the table when i got up this morning. Thats when all the memories hit me, playing cards with her all my life and then in the nursing home every week. I didn't cry, i wailed. Not like someone who was sad, like i had my arm cut off and was bleeding out. It was terrifying amount of pain and despair. It felt like what the preachers said hell was like.
3. Relief. After breaking down, i felt like i had been sick and finally puked. Still bad but a lot better. My head was clear, it sunk in that we all knew she was going to pass very soon, that wherever she is, even if its nowhere, its better than wasting away in the nursing home getting weaker and more miserable every day. Im glad her suffering is done and its just part of life. Everything ends someday.
Thats what I've been feeling the last couple days, if you care, if it helps you, hopefully one or both. Thanx✌