How I feel about Grief

[Clarisa_]

Rather often I am asked whether the grief remains as intense as when I wrote. The answer is, No. The wound is no longer raw. But it has not disappeared. That is as it should be. If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over. Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. - Nicholas Wolterstorff

I've been thinking about grief lately. People have different ways of dealing with grief, in my case, I prefer not to talk about it. I feel that talking about how I feel only makes it worse. I think it's absurd when people say, "things get better in time"---because, let's be honest, they don't. You just learn and accept to live without that person---it becomes part of you. And that's the hardest part about grieving---well at least for me it is.

The worst questions I've been asked often these past 2 months are, "How are you doing?" and "Are you feeling better?". Honestly, I never know what to say. Even though it's hard, I understand. People want to do anything they can to help speed along the healing process. But frankly, I hate it when people do that. The truth is that I'm allowed to be sad and to cry for as long as I want to.

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Here are a few thoughtful tips on how to help people who are grieving:

- Be there, most people need presence.

- Don’t compare, ever.

- Do not say “you’ll get over it.” There is no such thing as "getting over it".

- Mail a card. Every email or phone call counts.

- Describe how you can help. Going over to their house to talk and have a cup of coffee, could be great help.

- Tell stories. The grieving person is thinking about the person 100% of the time; nothing you say is going to make her sadder; instead, the stories you tell are going to make the grieving person feel connected.

- Reach out anytime.

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I really hope this has been helpful!

Love,

Clarisa

Have you lost a loved one recently? What did people say or do that brought you comfort?

[detlef]

"The worst questions I've been asked often these past 2 months are, "How are you doing?" and "Are you feeling better?". Honestly, I never know what to say. Even though it's hard, I understand. People want to do anything they can to help speed along the healing process. But frankly, I hate it when people do that. The truth is that I'm allowed to be sad and to cry for as long as I want to. "

But people who inquire about your wellbeing aren't necessarily doing anything more than that. I get the impression you're reading into it something that isn't necessarily there.

If it's a real friend asking, or someone you can trust, then the thing to do is answer honestly, no matter what that answer is. If the person is making small talk, out of concern and goodwill, then give them a smaller version of your honestly. But in neither case is someone who cares enough to ask necessarily trying to hasten your grieving process. :)

We live in a world in which few people ask how we are and mean it. People who don't mean it, or don't care, aren't so important. People who do mean it and do care deserve whatever part of our honesty we feel ready to give them--and they deserve our inquiries in their time of need, to listen openly and calmly to their thoughts and feelings. :)

We also live in a world in which few if any people ever experience that kind of outlet.

[Clarisa_]

I was just writing without thinking, I sound so ungrateful now that I think about it

[detlef]

Well I'm certainly not judging, and I think the perspective you articulated is common and can be totally valid.

[KDA20]

Ah yes it is a peculiar awful road we all have to travel at some time - There is the classic model of grief but that is only the flimiest of frames to contain each person's grief which as you say is a unique thing. To any person who is grieving or supporting a person I will say each person is different, some will want to talk about it, others not, some will want to return to life as normal quickly as possible of course remembering the person that has passed in their own way. I myself took a big time out, I was caring for my father for two years before he died and it was quite full on so I knew my nature and things would not change back overnight so I took the slow reflective path back to normality which is only ending now after 18 months, my sister and mother took the normal route as quickly as possible but I know their grief is equal to mine. My mother talks non stop about my father while my sister and I only speak of him when prompted but I know the wound is still equally raw for all of us.
As Clarisa said the wound is always raw but you become better able to bandage it, it never heals, it is just easier to clean and dress it. Also another wise thing she says it might not seem like it because our heads are miles away but we notice and appreciate all the random gestures of kindness the silly thinking of you messages all help.
Final thought nothing I can say can ease the grief of recent passing or knowing someone who is terminally ill but my thoughts and my heart is with anyone in this awful place.

[detlef]

Well said

[Clarisa_]

Thank you for reading Dave!

[Jibaku]

I don't have anything more to add except this came to mind

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA

[Clarisa_]

<3 <3 <3

[takumii]

Nice take, I love your do by the way, you look beautiful.

[Clarisa_]

Long time ago, but thank you!