Religion & Spirituality

Coping with Grief: The Five Stages

The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are part of a framework that makes up our learning to live with who we have lost. This cycle can be experienced through loss of a loved one through a break up or loss of a friendship - not just the death of a loved one. It is also common to go back and forth between two stages for a time before moving on to complete acceptance.

Coping with Grief: The Five Stages

1. Denial

Coping with Grief: The Five Stages

The first stage of grief is denial. Denial is used as a defense that a person builds to cope with the extreme loss. "This cannot be happening to me" and "I feel fine - leave me alone" are common phrases heard during this stage.

Denial is the refusal to accept the facts of the loss - either consciously or subconsciously.

The denial is prolonged by the refusal to deal with the consequences of the loss like visiting the grave yard, removing personal belongings or filling necessary paperwork.

The purpose of this stage is to protect and help the individual from feeling too many emotions at one time. It gives the person a little time to adjust to the way things are going to be from now on. The person is likely to relive memories and pleasant times experienced with the departed before focusing on the events leading up to and surrounding the loss.

2. Anger

Coping with Grief: The Five Stages

The anger can be directed at anyone or anything - loved ones, strangers, inanimate objects or even the departed themselves.

Once the individual has accepted the loss and is no longer in denial, the reality of the situation sets in and this brings confusion, pain and frustration with it. The mind and body deflect this pain and express it by anger instead.

3. Bargaining

Coping with Grief: The Five Stages

Bargaining is also known as the "What If" stage. For example:

“What if I devote the rest of my life, God, to helping others? Can I then wake up and find out that this has all been some terrible dream?”

The bargaining stage of grief serves an important purpose. It provides temporary escape from one’s pain and provides hope. This gives a person time to adjust to the reality of the situation.

4. Depression

Coping with Grief: The Five Stages

The depression stage is the longest stage in the grief cycle. The depression may occur when reality really sinks in. During this stage of grief, intense sadness, decreased sleep, reduced appetite, and loss of motivation are common.

When you allow yourself to experience depression, it will leave as soon as it has served its purpose in your loss.

As you grow stronger, it may return from time to time, but that is how grief works.

5. Acceptance

Coping with Grief: The Five Stages

In this stage of grief, the bereaved person accepts the reality of their loss and the fact that nothing can change that reality.

Acceptance does NOT mean that the person is “okay” with the loss.

This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it okay, but eventually we accept it.

Coping with Grief: The Five Stages
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