How Exactly Do You Fix Loneliness?

[Anonymous]

First and foremost, I apologize for forming this as a question but I just have to, since the questions do not permit this much text, that I've tried to keep to a minimum as is. This isn't just another take for me, it's highly personal. I'm the type of gager who practically never writes myTakes and I discarded the one I had as my draft to post this instead. I know that the title is silly but I am in a position where I have to legitimately ask it.

I would very highly appreciate anyone's input. Also, if you had or are having a similar experience, please share.

A bit of backstory:

I just turned 23 and came to the realization that I've been alone for equally as long as I've been happy with friends.

I had plenty of them starting from when I was 1 year old and lasting up until I was 12, when our elementary school got shut down and everyone went all around, and we somehow lost all contact. I did make friends in primary school and later in middle school but never any lasting ones. I haven't maintained contact with any of them as well, maybe discounting a very rare exchange of words once in a blue moon.

I'm not exactly sure why it is so but it could be that I lost contact with my original friends due to being boring whereas I never made strong relationships with any new ones due to being boring and also shy.

Now I am more than positive that I have fixed the latter issue as I am no longer shy. The former issue is more vague though, but I guess I may still be boring because I now have an 11-year vacuum of experience where other peers had plenty of experiences with each other. They have stories to tell whereas I was left out completely, either spent my days playing the pc, or being with family, so there is really little to nothing that I can ever bring to the conversational table with peers. Even now in college, even though I no longer have the issues with talking to others as I used to, I can feel that there just isn't much of anything that I can say over most topics.

Needless to say, I haven't been in any real relationships either, only dated technically twice and had one 1 year long online relationship that recently fell apart, due to arguments. I tried being friends with her afterwards since she was the closest and most relatable friend that I've had since forever but that did not work out either, due to arguments again - so now I don't really have anyone that intrinsically close, discounting family. I do still talk to a few people online, many of them good peeps from here on GAG, but, ya know, that's not exactly the same thing as having that bud that you can ask to come out with you.

No peer to talk to, no one to hang out with.

TLDR: Point is, I had 11 years of a relatively good and fun childhood and now 11 years of near total loneliness.

My question then: how do you determine where bad luck and the influences of "life" end over your bad social predisposition, and where your own faults begin to take effect?

Because I don't know if I'm destined to live out my life alone (not being self-loathing, just objective. I'm not exactly a defeatist, just cynical) or if there is anything that I can do about it. I'm not even a good example and role model for my little brother - he is only 15 but, unlike me when I was his age, he has friends that he spends time with. His original childhood ones at that. He isn't lacking the teenager experience. I'm, of course, proud of him, but I can not deny that there is a heavy amount of envy that I have for him, which is by far my biggest shame.

Also quick sidenotes:

-no I do not blame anyone but myself for my problems. I'm not being bitter. Maybe others can in theory take some blame for certain nuanced things, but all in all this issue is of my own doing.

- no I do not have depression and never had it.

[JimRSmith]

First off, I don't think you're a boring guy at all. Far from it, in fact.

You and I share a number of fairly esoteric interests, stuff like Green Antarctica being one recent example off the top of my head. But you have a decent span of other interests I've seen you mention on here, too, from time to time.

You're also a very smart guy, as I alluded to in my 'deputisation' question a few months ago. I've seen you absolutely demolish people on here with logical argument, and some of them don't like it. That could be down to your personal style OR because they don't like losing. Remain open-minded about what the reasons may be.

One thing that's a little difficult for me to really do, is to walk a mile in your shoes. I'm going to use an analogy about myself here, but I do appreciate that translating this into a comparable experience in Latvia might be easier said than done.

I moved back to where I'm from a few years ago, and whilst I still knew a few people up here, we weren't that close, and I knew I'd basically have to start afresh. There were a variety of ways I did that, via work, but more importantly, via the pub, which is a highly undervalued British institution.

As a rule, if you stand at the bar, that's an acceptance that other people may come and speak to you, whereas sitting down at a table indicates more of a wish for privacy. I got myself into plenty of conversations and built up a network like that, and it actually didn't take all that long. I realise that social facilities like this might not be the Latvian way, however.

One thing I might get you to ask yourself, though, is how comfortable you are with making small talk with strangers? Again, that might not feel like a natural thing to do, but just work on a few ice breakers. Many men talk about spectator sport and cars (neither of which particularly interest me), but then it's just a case of steering the conversation towards something you are more interested in, and can hold an audience with. The news is another good example.

I could also see some people finding you intellectually intimidating. In fact, I see that on here, sometimes. Such as people who resort to insults etc when you've handed their arse to them in a debate. So are there any rough edges you could work on smoothing off?

Fundamentally, you are a good bloke, and you have a lot of integrity. You shouldn't expect to remain lonely for the rest of your life. It really IS just a case of meeting the right people.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

This indeed is an interesting question.

Let me share my story. I've been lonely growing up but was satisfied as was an independent person. Even been a sole parent for 10yrs of 2kids, I became OK with being alone and then I met my new partner (our relationship is complex) and discovered after spending time with him and then being home not seeing him for a while when things got busy, I truly felt alone. I realised it was loneliness I was scared of, I was scared of my own vulnerability. I'm 33yo and have in the last 6mnths faced many demons about myself. I would not have been able to if it wasn't for my partner having some resources to help.

I would like to recommend a book, don't be fooled by the title. It's actually quite helpful even for singles or anyone in any type of relationship. It's called Passionate Marriage by Do Schinarch, PHD. This book has helped me a great deal. I hope it is helpful.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you.

[Pocahontas2000]

Thanks for sharing your story.

I think I’ve been opposite, I was an introverted kid beingn raised woth my extrovert cousins and a brother. As long as I remember I used to read all the tome and they were the ones who were begging me to go out and spend tome with them. Maybe out of their love and also out of my adventurous nature, I liked the idea of going out and having crazy fun woth them. I had friends here and there but mostly I was lonely, till I dodn’t learn how to use the skills of my cousins, brother and all my extroverted family members in my favour.

Now every story they have to tell includes me as a main character and we have so many crazy things to remember from our teens and childhood.

But at school I was a loner till 10-11, then I gradually started getting more and more confident, bold and friendly. That’s when my classmates started liking me and at 15 I was already kinda popular. Don’t think of mean popular girls, I was a good popular type. Tbh I realized it a bit later.

Everyday I would go home and ask my mom advices, as she’s a stunner and was a quite of a playette in her youth, a lot more happy go lucky than I am. When you have a mom like that, It is impossible to not be able to imitate some of her actions and actually be a heart of the party. But I always sucked at non-superficial feiendships and relationships, until 14, them I became friends with my “enemy”. We hated each other at first and then we found out that we were actually soulmates.

[Pocahontas2000]

She was a lot smarter than any other 14 years old girl I’ve met and somce then till 17, she was my closest person, someone I could talk for hours about BS. We had many things to talk about.

Then at 15 I got friends with 3 people of my classmates, had crazy summer woth them at 16, but you know what? We don’t talk anymore.

I have 5-6 friends now, since I got depressed we meet rarely and I feel lonely at times too, thankfully at my worst times my cousins are still there pushing me to go out and have fun as back in childhood.

I just want to say, I have memories to recall, I have crazy fun stories or just crazy stories 😂 I’ve been on the both sides but at times I still feel very lonely.

I guess It’s just a part of being a human and being a thinker. No problem. I’ll think today and then go out and do something crazy again, because lofe is all about doing this. Going out of your comfort zone and be your crazy crazy self.

Go out. Go out. Go out

You can’t be that boring believe me.

[Pocahontas2000]

In my life I’ve met lots of kind of people, I have 12 cousins all woth dofferent personalities and have had many friends and acquaintances, I know what I am saying. There’s someone out there who thinks he/she dowsn’t have an equal to create crazy memories woth. Go , find and get friends woh them. It is easy just go out and O promise even if you are that boring as you say, you will still find someone who think you are the funniest guy and you two are crazy bunch against the world. Be your boring self if you want but always try to push your limits and be a better version of yourself. I am sure there’s somethinng wild in you, something that you keep in control and don’t let out. Just let it out. And fuck who thinks you are boring. Your story was interesting enough for me

[myTake Owner]

Thank you very much for sharing.

[Anonymous]

I think you'll just guess who I am, but still going anon.

Well anywho, I just feel that objectively, since you are very much familiar with American culture and such, you should move to America and start all over.

It is because you will have a common ground to discuss things related to American culture and such.

For example, you watch so much anime. I doubt anime is that popular in Latvia. Or that you watch Supernatural, Marvel movies etc. Which I doubt your most peers in Latvia are into.

As you know fully well, I don't have many friends either. But thankfully I have found peers that have same interests as me. Me and my peers do not talk about our teenage experiences at all.

Our most interactions surround our university, our professors, pop culture, movies, latest research in Nanoscience or in sciences in general etc.

I just feel you have to find the correct peer group.

I feel that topics you're interested in are not shared by your Latvian peers.

It is more likely that they'll be shared by your American or even to an extent Indian peers.

So yes, I just feel that it'd be a good to start all over in USA or similar country. You'd have better prospects too.

[myTake Owner]

That has crossed my mind.

[Opinion Owner]

Then maybe you could seriously consider that 😇

[Unit1]

Thanks for sharing your story.

I totally get what you mean. I've been a loner for the majority of my life too. My reasons being the inability (or more like the tendency to rather avoid) to deal with stupid people, superficial/plain people, uninteresting people, people without any perspective/directions/aspirations in life, potential backstabbers, those, who take advantage of you and so on.

The fundamental problem is within the society (as I mentioned those types of people) and not meeting enough new people until you find someone, who is more interesting to keep around.

One very common way to mitigate it is by getting involved into online communities (naturally English speaking mostly). That was how I kept "socializing" online and learned stuff, that people tend to learn when meeting outside with friends. The internet is just another way of doing that.

Then there are those lonely nights, when you have nobody to cuddle. In this case I have actually ordered myself a body pillow lady when I first started to work (Dakimakura).

Ultimately "loneliness" cannot exactly be "fixed". It can be fed like hunger and thirst because life is basically a curse and we do what it takes to mend those needs in order to not die or get mentally deranged. Because like I tell my bro @JudgmentDay the cold void and dark emptiness always prevails in the end.

[JudgmentDay]

"Because like I tell my bro @judgmentday the cold void and dark emptiness always prevails in the end."

That's just the trouble with having "purpose" and "meaning", you are always reacting to how you are feeling. If those miseries don't exist then there's virtually no point of any of those things that exist in this world to help you cope with those miseries. That's why just when someone thought they had won and that all is said and done, that they would become "fulfilled" and "happy", they'll eventually realize they are only lying to themselves, there's still something they want to do, see, experience, thus they are anything but "fulfilled" or "happy". @Unit1 and I agree with how ultimately nothing is ever truly fulfilled or over, there's always ongoing cravings within ourselves. We can only learn to recognize this "emptiness" or "futility" is the ultimate truth and reality and learn to accept that it is what it is and learn to live with it.

[fashionguy17]

You don't need friends. I used to be similar to you a few years back. I've always had a hard time making friends. When I would talk to people, they would usually tune me out or shrug me off.

When I worked in groups with other people, they would pretend I wasn't their. Even at work, I got let go because nobody liked me or wanted me around... they didn't care that I was a hard worker.

Even the friends that I did have... they would never reach out to me ever. I would always have to reach out to them to hand out.

I got sick of it, and I never understood why people loathed me so much. I was a nice guy, I treated everyone with respect... but nobody cared. I felt very similar to Naruto (not sure if you know that anime).

Now, at age 27, I've come to the realization that I don't need people. In other words, I don't go out of my way to get to know people anymore. I do everything alone. I go to the gym by myself, movies, mall, park, take fitness classes, bookstore... all by myself. Nobody talks to me. Nobody goes out of their way to ask me how I'm doing, and I am fine with that. Hell... even on my phone, I have 6 contacts - my parents, younger brother, older brother, a cousin and my girlfriend (I met my girlfriend last year at a bar when I went out by myself). Let me rephrase this. I do things alone, or I am with my girlfriend.

I used to want to be like other people, hang out with other people, have friends and all that shit... but none of that matters anymore to me. I just put time into fitness, the wellness of my girlfriend and I, reading books, writing, tuning my car, and starting my own business.

[myTake Owner]

Naruto is my favourite, just so you know.
And it's cool that you have family and a girlfriend as well. Best of luck in the future with that.

[ellesnow21]

Move to the USA, you sound like you'll be happier there. Or just join clubs, sports, get to know your neighbors; people in your local area. Ask if there's parties any parties coming up or local events. You'll soon meet people through other people. I found just asking for directions led me to a new dance class were I've made new friends in the past week. I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to really work at friendships to keep them going. It'll happen, just get out there. Maybe tweak certain parts about yourself to seem more likable and friendly but don't completely change your personality. It might be worth talking to a life coach or therapist who could give you some better tips maybe.

[TonyaOrtega]

I’m in this same boat with you. I am with someone, but he never spends time with me. Only around to eat, sleep, and shower. I’ve also had some terrible friends whom I thought were my friends... after realizing they were no good I chose to not make anymore or trust people so much now. Now that’s the other loneliness I have too. I don't know if you can fix it. I’ve experienced not so good things with friends and have had abusive relationships. So, loneliness is all I really know. If you figure out how to fix this, let me know... thanks

[WhereAmI]

You need to break the cycle. Making friends doesn't get easier as time goes on without much life experience. People are always looking to befriend others who can either keep the same level of interest or make them better. The less interesting you are, the less likely they'll want to hang with you. Just human nature. You'll see that happen a lot with work friends for example.

Become interesting on you own by gaining experience with new hobbies or structured activities that keep you learning new things. The more you learn, the more others will want to learn from you. So long as others find it interesting.

Small talk is critical to breaking the ice with others and helping to steer a conversation towards something you both find interesting. I believe I recommended learning more about sports (even though you don't like it) just to help start conversations.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

[JustASmallTownPriest]

Ya got a job man? Even just working a few jobs you meet tons of people and have dozens of opportunities to make lasting impressions and friendships.

Beyond that you can do things like join communities, volunteer, or even just do something as simple as get a dog!

I actually met plenty of people when I got my Weimaraner pup because I take her on an adventure most days I'm not working. I have quite a few beaches and hiking parks around me and if I have my dog people always stop to chat about her (especially if I take her fishing). I've actually made two lasting friendships meeting people this way, and I play ps regularly with a girl who's dog tried to hump mine. Too bad she turned down my dinner offer tho😅

[myTake Owner]

That's pretty cool that you have it like that, dude.

[Introvert94]

Wow! Pretty much same story as me, even the age of my little brother. Only difference is that I think I'm boring, but others tell me I'm not.
I'm still searching for the answer and have the same questions. But building deep bonds never worked for me cause I always move from place to place way too often.

[myTake Owner]

Sorry to hear that, dude

[kindangel]

Hi there! First of all , like you I was very shy. I managed to gain confidence and became more social. I don't have many friends but I have good friends, those are the ones that count. The being boring thing is relative, as you have to surround yourself with people who share your interests, to them you won't come across as boring, you are just yourself. One thing it has helped me a lot with becoming more social , is reading about different topics, that makes it possible for me to discuss and give opinions, makes you confident , and makes you feel more in tune with the group and situation. There is nothing wrong with a bit of loneliness from time to time, we are all different. Embrace your lonely times as well as your social ones.

[Piteka5]

I would say, go join an activity you like, you'll meet new people for sure, I personally do voluntary work, attend college (eats up all my time) and I'm part of a young Christians group. I'm sure you would find something you like too

[someone1997]

First you should be mor confident
Then you should try to talk witb them the hardest step always the first one sooo try untill succed , dont be shy shyness makes rhe person failed from talking and sociabl with people , be strong

[someone1997]

More **
With **
The **
Sorry !!

[myTake Owner]

I am confident. My point is that, even with confidence and even with having no issues with talking to people, there is nothing to talk about.

[someone1997]

I know it's happened for most people it's just a phase
It's depend about what you like but present it in good why
Example : you like some kind of book tell your friends about , or the things they like or do a new expements with them like camping or riding bike or any hopies you like

[someone1997]

Sorry for my bad English
Cause im arabian 😅

[myTake Owner]

No worries

[2opaz]

Finding someone who likes you and wants to spend time with you

Nobody wants to do any of those with me :(

[Salmon4056]

Talk to others and remember that the Lord is with me

[jonesjessica812]

Does he really help you? I'm 27 and I still never had a girlfriend. There's lots of girls who like me but I can't even talk to a girl without screwing up from getting nervous

[Truthatanycost]

@jonesjessica812 The trick is to stop caring about screwing up and enjoy it even if you do. The ability to laugh at ourselves and not to take life too seriously can do wonders.

When you worry about screwing up the you become focused on the outcome. This causes you to become rigid, unnatural and makes you more likely to screw things up anyway so you might as well just stop giving so many fucks.

Try it out. In fact, go up to a girl and try to say something stupid...

[Salmon4056]

@jonesjessica812 yes. if I ever feel lonely, I remember of how much Jesus has cared for me. I think of all the good things I've recieved in life from him, and remember that he won't ever leave me (Deuteronomy 31:6). I think though that you should have confidence in yourself. No one's perfect. Don't let fear stop you cause you are greater than that. Be yourself and don't try to think so deeply about her future response. Also think only postive. I'd pray to God for help about it, and also change my mindset or thought of how the conversation would be. 💭Image yourself talking to the girl you like, with courage, in your mind. Try thinking postive and that could help you react positively.

[FinalFantasy8]

Been lonely my whole life, since I started KG. But I'm okay with it now. Most people are not worth being friends with.

[Anonymous]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CAYFIpi89k

[myTake Owner]

Sounds like hipster music

[Opinion Owner]

Not really. Wilco is just alternative rock.

[dolemite68]

Learn the difference between alone and lonely. There’s a lot to do and enjoy in life even if it’s by yourself.

[Jamjam2]

I haven't been able to cure my loneliness, perhaps it just takes time.

[HOAAH]

Get into books

[myTake Owner]

Well I like writing if that counts. Been working on my own book for a while.

But how exactly would getting into books help me, if I may ask?

[HOAAH]

Books are my best friend. I dont have many friends. My husband moves every 1 to two years. Oh and he goes to work every other month he is gone. I read a lot of self help books. I think and meditate on the stuff i read. It helps me from going crazy with nothing to do or think about. Then i write what i read.

[myTake Owner]

That sounds very nice

[Truthatanycost]

Books give you knowledge... knowledge gives you something to talk about (especially when mixed with personal experience). If we were talking and I said I knew a way to get rid of a long term health problem you were suffering, or had discovered how to stop thinking (No Mind) (Mushin), or about how there was an invisible source of information all around us, accessible to everyone, but few people knew how to access it, would that make for interesting conversation to anyone?

You can have a vacuum of 11 years and still have a lot to bring to the table I enjoy time alone, playing PC games, working out, reading, writing etc etc yet I've talked to some girls that have been so excited and said they had never heard some of the things I'd talked to them about. I have guys that were more socially active with lots of stories to tell etc asking me about philosophy, or how to reach a better way of living etc. I think loneliness is in relation to the personal relationship we have with our deepest self.

[jonesjessica812]

WTF? Thatsbgknna make me go crazy. Books will only make my shy miserable life worse

[Anonymous]

For me it helps to chat to people in chat rooms.