I know a lot of people don't like how early the sun sets this time of year, today the sun will set in my town in MA at 4:19 PM
A lot of people get depressed over the lack of sun, me I always like this time of year. I like how early darkness falls. I don't know why but when darkness comes I always feel a sense of relief, I feel miserable right now, I haven't had a drink since Saturday or Friday, I honestly can't remember,
That's the fucked up thing though, I know that if I had a drink, I would feel better for a little while that the lonliness and depression would leave just for a minute, that I could breathe but that I would feel worse.
Nobody told me this about addiction, Its something I'd never heard of, this damned if you do and damned if you don't. I don't know, maybe its different, maybe others can take pride in being sober, maybe its just because I'm just a miserable and lonely person who truly thinks that his life will never get better. I dunno.
Which I guess would be my response to someone who asked me why I'm sober, I don't know. I still don't see the point. I'm miserable and alone, wouldn't it be better to be miserable and alone but drunk, and to be honest, I can't answer that question. Its like I'm sober without a reason for being sober, I still don't get the point of it all, I feel the depression, despair, and loneliness less if I drink, like giving morphine to a person whose dying, just something to ease the pain.
The sun sets at 4:19, the full dark will come soon after. I don't know why but I always seem to breathe a little easier then.
Its the long days of summer that are the hardest, when I'm depressed and wish nothing more than for night to truly fall so I can breathe that little bit easier, that I don't feel as miserable, but the sun stays in the sky till past 8 PM.
But as I type this sentence, the sun will set in 34 minutes. I'll still be miserable and lonely and depressed but I'll be a little less so. That's all I can ask for sober, just a tiny bit of room to breathe.
I don't know what you expected from this take, hell if you made it through you probably think this is just the ramblings of an addict and you know what it probably is.