What is the occasion for writing this text on here? It is difficult to explain. Like most things are, I suppose. But I will try my best.
Let’s just say that it all started with the discovery of a song that I never knew existed till today. It took me down the most emotional rabbit hole I’ve been down in a very long time. Ever since I first discovered the route to self-discovery, spirituality, development, I have apparently been afraid. But in this case, it’s not fear of someone exterior, something exterior. The last few years I’ve been realizing little by little that I’ve been afraid of myself. The fear had been shoved down my throat for the best part of my life. The fear is not in the more typical or common sense, I’d say. The fear I’m trying to describe is the fear we all at some point of our lives get over, if we’re fortunate. Besides the fear of not living up to other people’s expectations, the fear I’m referring to is the fear of forgiving yourself. Forgiving. Fearing your own forgiveness; because somewhere in our minds, as many have said before me, we attribute some wicked pain to the state of mind that is love. Perhaps it’s because there’s an unconscious understanding that there’s some kind of beauty in a certain kind of sadness. I at least speak for myself.
Spirituality posts and websites on Facebook and Instagram, present forgiveness as if it were something you had to direct outward (although it is, but not only). Or it may have been just me misunderstanding the message. The point, however, is that the fear of forgiving yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, is the fear that I feel like I’m starting to scratch the surface of. Some of the mistakes even, might seem irrelevant in the distance, and some of them might not even seem like mistakes anymore.
But the forgiveness goes deeper, ‘cause it is deeper. Why would we ever feel like we’re not worthy of feeling what we feel? In the end, you realize that the only thing life ever had planned for you, is to forgive yourself for what you once thought was wrong and become your own best friend. That is it. Become your best friend. Being your best friend implies forgiveness for the things you can’t possibly control, the things that you never meant to have happen, things you thought weren’t worthy because of someone else’s opinion, forgiving yourself even if you know it was the less harmonious and positive action at the time. It doesn’t mean that there’s no accountability to be taken, or that there’s no need for discipline, or that there’s no need for ambitions for becoming a better version of yourself, but don’t forget to also forgive yourself. Cause besides being meant to become your best friend, you’re also always your own child. Never punish or devalue a child for making a mistake that he/she didn’t know better to avoid at the time. Everything comes at its own time.
I hope my voice reaches you well, whoever you are that needs to hear this now.
May you find your way.