The first part of my story can be found here and should be read first: A Look Into My Childhood (Long Read and not for the feint of heart)
Interlude: So picking up from where I left off I graduated High School and picked up work at a locally grocery store. I did fail to mention that I started working at a rival grocery store followed by the local movie theatre. I began working as soon as I could at the age of 14. I had a strong work ethic and wanted to be independent. Oh if only!
After some time I lose contact with the Christian Youth group and soon enough I'm back on my own. I don't really have support like that anymore but I was at least working full time. A lot of 11-12 hour shifts before the company eventually got bought out. I did enjoy the long work hours at the time because of the comradery of other employees. One thing you need to know about me though is I get VERY attached to people FAST. Because of my loyal and nurturing nature and yearning to be embraced and loved and held like I never got to be this has led me to a long and difficult world of heartache and betrayal.
You need to understand I was and still very much and DENSE when it comes to women liking me. How dense you might ask? You need to literally ask me out to figure out if you like me....at least that's how it's been. I got another story for another time on my fear of women aside from the already obvious childhood trauma. This could be because Years prior back in high school I was crushing on this girl. Musta been going on something like 2 months before I had the courage to ask her out. Well as it turns out the sweet nice girl wasn't sweet or nice at all. I muster the courage to ask her out and she shouts in front of the entire cafeteria, "OH MY GOD WHY WOULD I EVER GO OUT WITH SOMEONE AS FAT AND UGLY AS YOU?" You can imagine my emotional state is already fragile from my past. But doing that in front of hundreds of peers was horrible. I ran out of the cafeteria and locked myself in the boys bathroom for the rest of the school day.
The First Girl Friend: She worked in the Deli Department and I worked Grocery/Produce. I was still relatively new and she had a few years on me. I was 20 and she was 26. I won't use her name. Even though we have no love for each other she IS a mother and for that reason I'll not use her name. This gal she was always looking at me and joking with me. I thought nothing of it though at the time. Until I started stocking shelves and caught her staring at me, smiling, making funny gestures. Eventually she asked me to go to lunch with her and hang out in her car so we did.
We started talking and we exchanged numbers but again I thought it was all just friendly. No one wants to go out with a loser like me. That's how I always see myself, a loser. And I got good reason for it as I've already mentioned. Well this girl she tells me that she'd like to hang out and I said cool. I'm thinking maybe I have a new friend or something. Well we go out and we have a good time out on the town as her treat. We both worked at the same place but she was making $8 an hour more than me at the time and had full benefits while I had nothing really.
She takes me out for pizza, we go look at cool Halloween decor....yes oddly enough this was around the time my heart was crushed by my first love. We go back to her place and I've caught the feelings for her. Was this the intention all along? I'm not really sure but if so it worked. We sat on her couch talking and she kind of gets closer and smiles. And then she says I'm red in the face and wanted to know what was wrong. Well I said, "Uuuuum there's something I have to tell you." And she starts to laugh and asked what it was. I just kind of closed my eyes and hit my head on the back of the couch caught up on what to say and how to say it. I get really nervous and trip on my words around girls I like.
She said, "Do you need some help? Here let me help you." And she leans over and gives me my first kiss on the lips. She slips me a little tongue tease and I can remember feeling three things in that moment. 1) She liked me 2) I'm relieved 3) That pizza and soda are about to come rolling out the rear end so DAMN IT! Then I hold my stomach and say. "Oooh i'm not feeling so good. My stomach is hurting me." Her response was, "Awwww, is it because you're in love?" I said, "No" and she laughed and slapped me and I ended up ripping a big far. She laughed and I laughed. The problem was that each time I laughed I was farting more and we both lost out collective umm y'know....
So we watch a movie, she insisted I picked and I warned her she probably won't like the movies I watch and she said she didn't mind. So I put on Platoon and surprisingly she watched the whole movie with me and leaned her head over and rested it on my shoulder. She had such amazing, big, bold, brown eyes and lush dark brown hair. She kissed me on the neck and said she was getting tired. So I said okay I'll go put my shoes on so she can take me home. And then she point out it was 2 AM and she said she had a big enough bed for two of us. Well I'm very scarred now because I'm a virgin and also I am a Christian now and I don't want to just give it up like that.
She had a cat and I was deathly allergic to cats, still am. What transpired next should have been the alarm bells sounding off in my head but I really didn't know what to say/do. The cat kept trying to jump on me and sleep and she knew I was deathly allergic. So she literally after 4 attempts to keep the cat off the bed, picks it up, opens her front door, and throws the cat out. I was shocked as she professed to love this animal and had it for a few years as an emotional support pet. Instead she chucked it out and then said she wanted to have sex with me. I was so scarred and didn't know what to do.
I explained that I didn't have any condoms and she said that I could just pull out. But then I said that I was a Christian man and that I didn't want her to feel pressured for sex and that we could wait until she was really ready. And then she asked if I was sure and I said yes. And then she shrugged her shoulders, got under the blankets with me and leaned back to be spoon cuddled. A few weeks pass and we are still going strong and she's insisting that she helps cover tabs but I refuse saying that it's a man's job to do that. She also started to kind of get irritated when I was holding the door opened for her all the time but she kind of made light hearted jokes instead of being mean about it.
Then one day my dad gets a call from her ex boyfriend who by the way I knew NOTHING about. He was making claims that I stole his girl or whatever. What I didn't know was that they were on some "break". Dad said he talked to him, the guy was supposedly cooking dinner and me and her walked out and left him crying.....this guy? He was very manipulative and he was a LIAR. I had no idea about him, nor was he at her house.....so I thought. This guy not only had keys to her apartment but he was also her drug supplier....yeah I didn't know she was popping pills either.
I can't remember all she was taking but perks were one of them. She was crushing them up and all that. She assured me she wasn't interested in him and that she told him to leave and that he would. We then spent a night at the park making out at the waterfront and just talking together. She then asked if I wanted to go to a Motel 6 and spend the night having sex. Again I told her I was a Christian and couldn't do that. She said it was fine and proceeded to take me back home telling me how great of a night we had and how much she enjoyed it. I told her in 2 days my grandmother was going to be visiting my grandfather's grave and I wanted to have flowers resting on it when she got there to cheer her up. She agree to it too.
The next night I grab a bunch of flowers and low and behold her druggie ex shows up and he's harassing her at work. But because it's our place of work we can't do anything. She tells me she'll be right out. Well he follows her to the car ignoring me of course. Anyways she gets in and shuts the door and gets all quiet. I asked if she was okay and she assured me everything was good and she was fine. We drive over to the cemetery at night and we go to my grandfather's resting place. I lay down the flowers and tell her I think my grandmother will be really happy. As I get back up and turn to her she tells me that she's breaking up with me.
My heart was shattered and crushed in that moment. Not only did I naively think that she was "the one" at this point being my first love and experience with a woman and all, but she did it right then and there. I was quiet all the way home and so was she. We finally got back to my place and she stopped the car opposite side of the road and turned to me and asked if I was okay. That's when I broke down crying the hardest I had cried up to that point. I was devastated and she spent the next two hours trying to tell me how she didn't deserve me and how I was a great guy and that I deserved better. Sadly these words would repeat over and over and over again with every woman I ended up dating.
The words would become hollow and meaningless to me. "You're a good guy." "You're such a wonderful person." "You're going to find someone so special." I get tired of hearing this. To me if I was so great to these women they'd have never left me. The dating would have ended long ago and I'd be the husband and father I craved to be so much and to have the only thing I ever wanted in this God's forsaken world, love. This theme continued all throughout my adult life and as the years passed my hope waned and I fell further and further back into the dark places of my youth. Instead of feeling like I progressed I went back to seeing myself as the little boy who was sexually abused, beaten, and bullied.
A week later she contacted me on facebook and said she wanted to talk. I really wish I hadn't agreed to this because all's it did was put a permanent scar on my manhood. However being the Christian I was I felt that I was obligated to go see her, see what she wanted, and talk. At this point in my life I still believed I could "save others". I had been given the nickname "Atlas" by friends before because I held the weight of the world on my shoulders trying to save others who were going through horrible things like me. I just wanted to heal the world and take away the pain. And I was foolish enough to believe that I had this ability to heal others. She picks me up from work and we begin talking.
In this conversation she admitted to a lot of things. How she was falling for me and how she felt that she needed to push me away. She admitted she had been cheating on me for some time during our relationship which hurt me even more and made me further question my self worth. She told me that me wanting to wait for marriage for sex was very hard for her and she had never met a man with that level of honesty and conviction. But she told me who ex had moved back in with her and that she was certain that her choice was made and her mind clear. I foolishly told her that I'd wait for her like a moron because I was still blinded by love that clearly was one way. She smiled and asked if I was sure and I said yes.
She thanked me and said that she would come to be if things didn't work out. I then told her that I wanted to go meet and talk with her boyfriend face to face and she got worried. She tried to tell me no and I insisted. We got into an argument in the car and she eventually just gave in and drove me to her apartment while on the phone telling him what was going on. The guy comes out there and while I myself am big this dude was absolutely HUGE. He was around 6'6, solid strong man muscle build. He saw me and asked me what was going on and I told him that I came to tell him that I would not pursue her any further. She made up her mind, he was the better man and I begged him with tears in my eyes not to ever hurt her or cheat on her again because I loved this girl so much, despite her not deserving my love.
He was taken aback and went from thinking I came to fight him to getting really quiet and almost unable to talk. I think he realized in that moment that I wasn't just a guy trying to get in her pants and I think he felt super horrible and guilty for his actions in ruining our relationship. He said he was sorry and said he promised. I then said he had to swear that he wasn't going to hurt her and reluctantly he did so and I extended my hand. We shook it and I told him she was a wonderful girl, that I loved her so much, and that I just didn't want to ever see him hurt her. He then said that maybe we should all hang out together sometime and watch movies. I declined the offer saying it was better for me to move on and he nodded without saying anything.
I walk back to her car and she is visibly pissed, you can just see it in her eyes and demeaner. After that I got in the car and waited for her. Her boyfriend went up to her and made out and I just turned my head realizing he didn't give a damn about anything that transpired. Nor was he moved by my gesture and I realized that he had no intention of ever keeping to what he swore. She tried to push him off her but she gave in after and they just made out. Then she came back to the car, slammed the door all angry and we started driving back to my place to be dropped off. One the ride she said that I should never come around again and that her boyfriend only said those lies to me so that he could cut even deeper into me and hurt me more. I knew at this point she was correct. The man didn't have a sincere bone in his body and he was after all her private drug dealer.
Moving On: I continued to work to fall deeper into depression and felt worthless. I fell back into alcohol and was invited to my first house part. There I tried drugs for the first time. I had never smoked marijuana before in my life and no one told me how much to smoke or when to stop. I was drunk at this point already having down 32 beers and starting to talk smack. When I am drunk I'm a completely different person and totally unrecognizable. Girls at the party took note of the loud, s*** talking, out going, arrogant, baddie that I was under the influence. It actually attracted a few women over to me, one sitting on the sofa next to me, another jumping on my lap to hear all the crap I had to say about subjects that would probably get me killed now if I ever revealed them due to family connections so I'll just leave that out.
This to this day proved to me that super bad boys were what most girls were really into. A guy who was almost dangerous in a sense. Having drank all that beer and having polished off half a blunt without knowing how/when to stop I was eventually so wasted that I was literally unable to stand and even hardly lift a hand and certainly not my legs. It was a scary experience and one where I was not in control of my own body. Suffice it to say this would cause serious anxiety and I would not enjoy my experience at all. Glad that night ended finally but the next morning I was hurting bad.
Eventually I attracted a girl I had recognized and realized it was one of the girls I used to find really attractive from back in high school. We started hanging out and talking. One thing led to another and then she told me she had a crush on me since high school. I was surprised because she was extremely beautiful. A blonde number with piercing blue eyes and a really cute smile. We started talking and I told her I never knew and asked why she never said anything. She told me that a lot of girls liked me back in high school, many of her female friends. They would talk about me and between her and some of the girls on the soccer team they talked about trying to date me. Some threw several hints my way but I guess I was too dense at the time to realize it or because my self worth due to my childhood was so low I felt no woman would ever be interested in me because of my mother and my past traumas. Unfortunately to this day I still stand by that belief pretty firmly and don't see a woman want to really be faithful to me.
She told me I always had deep and beautiful eyes and she saw so much sadness in them. So I asked her what she saw in my eyes now. She said she saw that I needed a kiss very badly and she leaned in and wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a long, deep french kiss. She out her hands around my face and looked into my eyes and then kissed me on the forehead. This was a strange relationship or affair that was about to unfold. I'm not sure what you call it because there was no sex and it lasted for about a week but we never once parted for that whole week either.
We spent everyday together for that time, sleeping out of her car, holding hands, waking up to each other, continuing to hold hands and go for long walks, go eat out three times a day, and eventually she hit me with her hidden desire. She wanted me to have sex with her in a public park, on the playground where the kids played at night time. I told her I was Christian and there was an immediate disconnect in her eyes. She told me she didn't believe in God and that it was silly for me to wait for marriage to have sex. I told her I was also worried since we didn't have protection if she would have gotten pregnant then what.
She scoffed it off saying it wasn't a big deal, she'd just had an abortion and that she had already had 5 others in the past. It was at this moment I saw what I perceived as a sweet girl turn immediately into a demonic entity of evil. I was completely revolted by what she said, my stomach immediately turned, and I felt like I had to vomit. Having spent every waking moment with her for that week immediately felt like a lie and I felt violated for having even kissed such a vile person who thought so little of life. I told her how I felt and she got angry and acted confused. I told her I had been falling for her and thought she was a completely different person.
She said that I was a fool to think there was anything between us. What we had was just kisses and cuddles and they didn't actually mean anything. After having experienced everything with my own mother, with my first love, and now this, I became a vehement pro-lifer from that moment forward. Abortion just reminded me of my own betrayal at the hands of my mother and I saw at the time a relationship of Mother and Infant through rose tinted glasses. The idea of a woman killing her child to me now reflected the ultimate form of betrayal any human being was capable of. Suffice it to say whatever this thing was between me and her just died in that moment and I actually decided to walk it home at that point. I ended up walking 11 miles to get home as I was so revolted by her that I wanted nothing from her and we never talked again after this either.
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