Do you struggle with asking people for help?

Question

One of my coworkers lives in my neighborhood and offered to carpool because he drives and he found out that I take the bus every day. I never took him up on it. But today I missed my bus home and didn't feel like waiting. It took me forever to walk up and ask him and he was sooo nice about it! He even offered to come pick me up in the mornings.
Asking for help is something I've always struggled with. I don't like asking anyone for anything because I feel like a lot (not all) of people do things to have something over you. Or to throw back in your face. And I don't have time for that. But I'm trying to get better.

#SOS
#ShaTTeredQuestions

Smoke-n-Growls · Accepted Answer

Yeah, I struggle with this, too.

It really is hitting me this year that the reason I struggle is because I was raised by a narcissitic mother who held everything a parent should do out of love and care for their child over my head.

She would often do things I didn't ask for, or want, and make such a huge fuss when I didn't fawn over her that I started learning that asking for things was only going to result in me "owing" something.

I paid my own university tuition without help from my parents, paid for all my own bills, bought my car cash without help from parents, and never asked my mother for things. She also stole $5k from me that forced me to begin going into debt.

It's only now that I've started gathering found family that I have realized I can ask for help and that those who truly love me won't expect anything in return.

Nevertheless, I often give food gifts like homemade tortillas or curry roux as a quick thanks.

I always expect people to want something in return, and I prepare for it, but I'm pleasantly surprised when people genuinely help because they just want to help someone they care about.

EmmaMary · Accepted Answer

Well it's not so much help I need right now, just any useful tips and advice.

In realising that many members here live in America, I'm hoping that some of you may have years of experience in taking holidays in motorhomes (I believe you call them RV's) as it always appears to be so much more popular over there than here in the UK.

Anyway a week tomorrow, we (husband and little boy) "venture" forth on our first ever holiday in our new motorhome, so naturally I'm having a lot of trepidation in trying to make sure that I have absolutely everything in place, and also some concerns over cooking and preparing meals etc.

So I throw myself at the mercy of all you seasoned experts in hopefully being able to offer me some of your vast experience.

Thank you so much in advance.

God_of_Thunder · Accepted Answer

I'm the same way, but mine is more of a psychological need for self-reliance, I suppose.

All my life, I've constantly had people asking me for help, or for money, or something else. With many of them, it went from depending on me, to simply taking advantage of me.

It started to feel like these people would be screwed, if it weren't for the amount of help I'd given them. Then it turned it me resenting them for using me, insteading of getting their act together. I kept putting my own life, and my own plans on hold, to help everyone else, and that wasn't fair to me.

So, I subconciously decided that I never wanted to be one of those people, or put one of my friends in the position they put me in. What happens if I came to rely on them so much that they resented me, or even worse, told me "no" when I needed them?

So I reaolved that psychological roadblock by just never asking anyone for help, ever. I also have a very, very hard time accepting help when it's offered. It's probably not healthy, but that's my problem, and I don't even try to change. 🤷‍♂️

ManOnFire · Accepted Answer

I am exactly the same way. Which I think comes from my past and seeing how my own mother didn't like asking for help either unless it really came down to it. And it's true, some people will try to keep you indebted to them for helping you, or have the idea that since they helped you, you should help them when they need it too.

I think because of how I am it's also the reason why I am so self-reliant and have worked my up to a place where I largely can help myself, which in some ways isn't always good because people know this and come to me for help or figure I can bail them out. The very people who need something from you, are usually the ones who wouldn't do anything back if you needed it.

melanieeeB · Answer

I can ask for help but I mostly don't do it, cause I made the experience that I won't get help and have to do it on my own anyways

TransAm85 · Answer

I understand what you are saying very much! I grew up w/a single mother who liked to throw stuff in my face a lot - even as a kid. She'd make me feel as though my brother and I were a burden on her life. In public she would be the happy, loving mom, but at home she was mean. So I learned to take care of myself and my little brother at a young age. He has ADHD/Autism too and that wasn't popular in the 90's. I got older and always ended up in crappy relationships so I guess I have that co-dependent problem too.

ohshee · Answer

Yeah it's kind of crazy because everybody in the world asked me to help them do everything and I don't ask anybody for anything it's just hard for me to ask anybody for anything I don't know why that is but it just is most of the time when I'm out and about I see people that I don't even know that I see them struggling and I will go help them my friends all day long phone calls at the phone calls dude I'm at work I cannot help you right now I can help you after work but it's like that every single day because they know I either know how to fix it or I know where to get the parts that they need it's crazy

Amy10223 · Answer

I am exactly the same way as you are. The only difference is I don’t think they’d ask for anything back. For me it’s simply not wanting to “bother” people for help even when they offer. I feel like I’m being a burden, and I know that might sound ridiculous to some. Others take people for granted and ask for all kinds of favors. Not me.

Cynicaldreamer · Answer

Yeah, it's not exactly one of my strongest points, haha. It's mostly because I know how some people are: they don't want you bothering them, or you feel like you're bothering them by asking for help... even if it is their job.
I apologize to our IT guys all the time for something they're literally being paid to do, because I know it gets irksome have x amount of people ask you the same thing over and over again.

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I'm glad you were able to get a ride and myself I do struggle to ask people for help I guess cause a lot of my relatives would rather watch me struggle instead of helping me, I've had this happen to me in the past, everything from a late great uncle made fun of the old house I lived in to anywhere throwing in my face about me living on welfare cause my dad didn't want to find a job in my teen years to way up in my 20's and I was too mentally ill to find a job myself so stuff happens in life

TheLoneTerran · Answer

Yes. It's one of my largest failings and had a few minutes been different, it would have cost me my life. I don't like to ask for help because I want to be able to do figure things out on my own. I also doubt want to be a burden. But I'm always happen to be able to help someone and don't consider them a burden. I just fear they way secretly resent me or something. It's something I actively work on.

Screenwriter · Answer

There's nothing wrong with being cautious about who you accept favors from. Chip in money for gas and let that be his payment. He has nothing to hold over you. You've paid your way.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

I find it easy to help other people, but yes, sometimes i find it really difficult to ask. However, asking for help on other people's behalf I find easy too.

Nigjt · Answer

Yes I do struggle was asking people to help me at the same time I don't mind doing for them and never thinking nothing of it but I don't like asking them for help because I feel like you do it give them some kind of power over me an people say enough stuff about people they shouldn't have in the frist place.
God Bless

Sour-rose · Answer

yes... just because the unknown. Still, that was season 13 of me. Season now can't be sittin' there looking stupid and not ask the person next to me.

Chiarac2003 · Answer

It’s probably a self esteem issue… take the feeling u have about finally asking and use it in the future. It’s going to take practice 🎀. Good luck!

jennifer_bloom · Answer

I sent a gun over 200 emails but refused to text him cause I was scared he would reply back, understandable.

FinalFantasyBro · Answer

It not that I struggle to asked for help, I mostly want to try doing things for myself first before I decide to ask for help. I want to be as independent as possible!

ArtemisSilver · Answer

I don't mind asking for help when it's called for, but you've got to be careful of letting people remove obstacles for you, sometimes you need to struggle through them yourself to grow.

Phoenix98 · Answer

I don’t have any issues asking for help if I genuinely need it. but if I’m capable of doing something on my own then I will.

jamesgoldman · Answer

Absolutely, never have done it, I'd rather be proud and struggle through  Like Churchill said 'If you're going through hell... keep going'

Jltakk · Answer

I hate burdening others. I much prefer getting things over with.

hanony · Answer

Always. That’s actually something I really don’t do.

EyeKnowMeNahYou · Answer

No I tried to maintain and make sure that I am able to do till I need the necessary help

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