Gah…. when I was about 14 I started talking to this girl from the suburbs on the phone. Weird thing we did back in the day, don’t know if younger people do the same in more recent times: you would just get hooked up with people that were like a friend of a friend of friend, or someone’s third cousin or some shit, lmao, and you’d talk on the phone, ON A LANDLINE😂, and you were sort of like pre-dating, sight unseen, usually. Just totally random selection, usually solely based on if someone was single or not. I had girls I talked to and never ended up meeting in person, yadda yadda.
Anyway, I DID meet up with this girl, Jill, at the mall to go to a movie. We got along pretty well on the phone, she seemed cool, we laughed a lot. We met up at the movie, and honestly, I think I just wasn’t that physically attracted to her. I’m sure I looked as goofy as I’ve ever looked at that age, I couldn’t have been any prize, lmao, but I think I thought I was Zack Morris and I wasn’t going to settle for less than Kelly Kapowski. Looking back, there was really nothing wrong with her at all, she was on the better side of average, she was slim, but I think she was just unremarkable to me. Yet I was sitting at the fountain outside of the theater waiting for her, saw a girl in an outfit that matched what she described, and I still didn’t say anything before a friend she was with called out “Jill!” to her right in front of me, clearly contrived, haha. But I thought it would be too much of a dick move, so I announced myself after that.
So we went to this movie, and it was fine, I guess we were kind of awkward, just nervous, I’m sure, but I probably didn’t put out a super receptive vibe. I probably could’ve held her hand or whatever but I didn’t want to get her hopes any higher, if she had high hopes in the first place. I forget how we left, we definitely got picked up by our respective parents at that age, but I don’t know if we hugged or if it was colder than that. I think I may have spoken to her another time or two on the phone after that, but I didn’t call her, I just took her calls.
It must have been not too long after that that I heard that her cousin, who I DID see with some regularity and who had set us up in the first place, had gotten in some kind of fight with her and it got a little physical, and it sounded like Jill had been on the wrong end of it. Nothing serious, I don’t think, but maybe just got clearly dominated and embarrassed, she was much smaller than her cousin.
I don’t know what compelled me to do it —I guess cowardice, that’s the whole point of the question, haha— but I called Jill that day and started making fun of her and saying I had heard her cousin Crystal kicked her ass. It didn’t take too long before she hung up on me, and I knew my “problem” of having a girl on the line who I wasn’t interested in was solved, but I also knew I had just done an incredibly mean thing, and I felt terrible about it because she had never been anything but nice to me, and I’m still so ashamed of myself to this day, literally 30 years later. And I additionally felt worse because I was too cowardly to call her again and try to apologize, but at the same time, what can I even say at that point? How could I even explain it? And the truth would’ve been very hurtful too. All this because I couldn’t either be gently honest, or even just politely lie, saying I was seeing someone else and decide to be exclusive, ANYTHING. Because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings…. and then I did that, to what effect?🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ Craziest thing is, we probably would’ve dated like three days, lmfao, I remember from like 11-14, especially in school, we all just dated each other, sometimes only for hours, lmfao, and then someone else would catch your fancy or there’s, and you’d dump them or they’d dump you (via their friend as a messenger😂), and people would be mad at each other and take sides, and you were all ready like six seasons down the line in the drama by the next Wednesday, lmfao. Time moved differently at that age, your whole world could change three times in an adult’s lunch break😂 So all this cowardice over what would’ve been a very temporary situation.
I can’t imagine how much that all must have hurt her at 14, of all the times in life. The rejection alone is bad enough, but the taunting…. ugh. Absolutely monstrous what I did, I’m sick thinking about it again. I wish I could find her, or that cousin, and just get in touch and say I’m sorry. I’m sure it would be water under the bridge at this point, but Jesus, that has to be my lowest moment, as cowardly as hell.
Sorry for the back story, but it explains my actions. The cowardly move I did is in the 2nd paragraph. I had a bully in 10th grade who was very well connected to school administration. In front of the principal, he literally slapped me in the back of the head. I reacted by breaking his nose. He got off with only a single lunch detention for "rough housing" while I was put on a 20-day suspension and the school decided to try to press charges. Obviously I acted in self-defense, which the police told the principal. The principal tried to push expulsion, but the police told him it would be illegal to do so without also expelling the aggressor.
Connected bully hits me again the day I returned. I did NOTHING back to him so there was no way for me to get in trouble. However, the principal refused to do anything. So I paid the school drug dealer to buy some weed so I can plant it on my bully to get him arrested. The cowardly part was that I paid someone else to plant the weed. My plan worked, but the guy I paid off got pinched as well. Luckily he had already planted the weed and was seen only as trying to break into the locker. This got him suspended instead of arrested, but the weed in the locker got my bully arrested. When asked if I knew anything, I lied and said I did not.
Loved this story. Reminded me of my school. I got in fights all of the time, and in-house suspension or expulsion was normal. But then I got into a fight with a couple of black kids. Off easy... even the second time. That's when I first felt any sort of racism. See... if they punished me they had to punish them. Can't punish the black kids, so I would get off easy as long as I was fighting them. I ended up making friends with them though and that shit ended. The principal was black as well if that adds more context. Dealing with humans has always been a shit show for me like that. Planting weed on that dude was smart though... too bad the weed dude got mixed up in it.
I went from a kind of proud ambitious HS student to, as a college freshman, dating a senior and letting him totally control me, spoke when I was spoken to, dressed in revealing stuff I would not choose of my own free will, sexually did anything he wanted it was like I was in a two person cult for a year, I still cannot explain why I accepted it. Actually I do lots of cowardly stuff come to think of it!
Where does cowardice begin and end? Are those with PTSD cowards if they falter in courage in situations that have their triggers?
At night, just outside the city i noticed a house on fire with nobody outside looking for help. As i got closer noticed someone at the window on the top floor screaming for help. Reacted quickly got out of my truck went up there and managed to get them out and told this person to call emergency services from my cell immediately. Went back in to get their dog, but didn't come back out conscious. i don't know if it was from the heat or from the the smoke or inhaling fumes but past out. Later woke up in the hospital with some nasty burns and damaged lungs which has caused quite a bit of suffering over the years.
For whatever reason it was someone screaming "Help!" that triggers my PTSD now where i want to get away from the situation as fast as possible. Surprisingly, not the fire.
Many years later there was a situation where someone needed help and that trauma kicked in and i couldn't help them out. Running from that situation, where just 1 person may not have been enough to help them. Cowardice beyond my control...
If i'm a coward now, it's because i was once heroic, and it's been a long time of suffering from that act of heroism.
I suppose it'd be just never opening up to people. By that, I mean quite literally not telling a single soul about any personal issues I've had. Part of that is I don't want pity and I don't want to focus on it, but I also just don't trust people.
Outside of that it's really just me avoiding fights with people in high school that weren't necessary. I wasn't afraid, but I didn't see it as worth it and I know my place in the pecking order. My skinny ass isn't going to win against some guy who's leg weighs the same as me lmao
I cried after winning a fight. The other dude started the fight. Everyone left with me after. But I cried like a bitch because I just wanted the dude to like me. Funny looking back on it because all my friends were confused as shit. "Why are you crying dude, you totally kicked his ass."
I thought the dude was cool and I just wanted to be friends... for some reason though he started dancing around saying he wants to get into a fight and for some reason, he picked me out of like 6 of us. I beat the shit out of him. ... and then I proceeded to be a total bitch about winning a fight.
Don't expect anyone to understand. Just like my friends you'd probably pat me on the back and be like, "why you crying dude, you beat his ass."
There was this great big guy that I know. He could bench 500 pounds. He wanted to beat the crap out of me. I had to go to a place where I knew he would be. I thought about not going but I decided it was something I just had to do. I went over there and the place was closed. The next day I chickened out.
When I was a child, I was weak willed, and pathetic. Never stood up to authority when I was a child, and the worst part is is I was self-aware enough to be utterly ashamed of myself for not standing up against authority, even when I know for certain that they were wrong.
In my teenage years, I had enough of it, so I decided to cleanse myself of such weaknesses so that way I wouldn’t have to suffer to miss used authority ever again. Most of my weaknesses are gone by now and I take pride in that though took a lot of suffering to get there.
I bullied someone - in fear of being bullied myself. Took me 3 months to muster up the courage to not only stop being one of the crowd but also standing up for that girl.
When I was 16 we went to the swap meet at the OC Fairgrounds. We waited for some people to load their car so we could pull into the spot. As they were pulling out, some b**** got out of a car and stood in front of us so her friend could pull into the spot. They laughed about how smart they were. When they came out later they discovered that they were missing all four valve stems from their tires.
I waited until the last day of highschool to ask a girl out who I never talked to, but I chickened out and decided to leave a note with my number on her windshield 🤦♂️
I lost attraction to my ex and was honest with her about it and asked to break up but she refused and asked for a chance to work on that. I tried to push her away but she never gave up, so I simply cheated on her and confessed. She was devastated and we broke up. I never forgive my self for choosing such a cheap way to run from a relationship!
I was on a hike with a friend. She slipped and fell, landing right next to a live tarantula. I couldn't help her because I was too afraid of the monstrous spider. I always felt bad about that.
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