Are obsessions necessarily always bad?

[Anonymous]

Not wanting to be discovered if I post under my ID, I'll admit this anonymously:

I'm not sure if this is even love anymore or just my own idea of love. He used to attend my HS for the first 2 years. It's been slightly over 2 decades later and I still think about him sometimes. Over the years I've been viewing his FB profile pictures (not always though, sometimes) and imagine I had him, imagine the life I would've had if he had chosen me. I guess this will be my one obsession till the end. I never stopped admiring, melting for him. Probably never will.

However, this isn't affecting my work life nor other aspects. I have no problems meeting people and going out on a date if another guy ask me out. Are all obsessions necessarily bad or can there be healthy obsessions? I don't do anything else and I'm obviously never going to tell him that, no way. Even though he's on my FB list and we rarely ever text, this will be just my forever fantasy.

So are obsessions necessarily always bad or not?

[Anonymous]

I would only say this would be classified as a true obsession if it were hindering you from living your life or you were taking it to some scary level like showing up at his job just to see if you could take a look at him, or like making notes on your calendar when he's going on vacation. This sounds like an unfulfilled dream/fantasy.

I would say the only way to end it for you would be if he's currently not in a relationship/married/with kids, to just send him a message letting him know back in high school you thought he was cute or whatever. You have the barrier of social media in not having to see or feel the reaction whether good or bad, and he can say whatever and either he'll be like wow, cool, let's talk, want to meet, or sorry not interested/got a girlfriend, whatever. At least you'll never have to go the rest of your life not knowing which is what's keeping you tethered to this fantasy right now. I mean, it's not high school anymore. People mature, they grow, and maybe he's looking for a relationship, who knows until you put it out there. There are so many people years later who have managed to link up.

[Guccigabbana18]

I wouldn't say you're obsessed from reading what you wrote. I'd say you just have a strong crush. But remember, your fantasies about what you think or anticipate he's like (in your head) are not necessarily what he's actually like. So I wouldn't go too far with the fantasies and becoming attached to them just in case you're disappointed if he turns out to be nothing like it in reality.

Maybe trying testing the waters. Like a few of his pictures (I know it sounds immature but it can be a way of getting his attention.) See if he takes some sort of hint. Sometimes, though, even if you don't wanna take action, these types of crushes naturally go away if you find someone you like even better than him.

[Asker]

True. I never really got to fully know him (we had a stupid argument once in HS.. both of us were immature and never dated, lol), don't know what his favorite hobbies are nor nothing much other than him being a radiologist, his DOB and the fact that he used to be funny at the time.
He has glimpses of his youthful features. Even now that he's 38 years old, he looks young.

[Asker]

but yes I'll do what you suggested and like a couple of his pictures. I'm trying talking to someone else too. I don't plan on just focusing on him. I have to move on with my life too if it doesn't work out again.

[CalmUntilAbused]

I mean... Yandere is actually a thing, and some men like this kind of women. As long as You don't hurt the one You're obsessed with (it includes hurting Him mentally, though it's a bit of inexact science in this case), it's usually acceptable.

However, it seems to me that You are less than a yandere, and ironically, it might actually be a problem. You say that You are fine with going out with other men. But if You date (and worse, marry) a man that You do not love (or obsess about, it's not that different - I mean, love is literally considered a mental condition by the WHO, as well, and in this case, I guess I can agree with them, as the arguments supporting such a designation are numerous), it will easily deteriorate into a toxic relationship/marriage.

[ArrowheadSW]

What do you know about him and the life that he lives currently? He is on your FB list but what kind of posts does he have? Do you think that you have much in common? Is he available for dating?

[Asker]

Yes this what I'm wondering. I don't know too much about him except these detailed:
- He has a daughter and from the picture, the girl is 6-7 years old
- He doesn't post pictures with his wife anymore nor has "married" status on his profile. It's likely they got separated last year.
- He's a radiologist and seems happy with his profession.
- I think he likes watching soccer and baseball games... not my interests.
- I don't think he feels the same way about me like I do for him. Otherwise he would've contacted me or like my pictures.

[ArrowheadSW]

Well I'd suggest to pop him over a message every now and then commenting on how you originally know him and remember of him, and things like that. So is he an actual radiologist, or a radiologic technologist? Just clarifying as they often get confused.

[Asker]

Good point. I can briefly message him once in a while. He's a musculoskeletal radiologist.

[ArrowheadSW]

He must be a pretty smart guy. To be a radiologist you have to become a regular doctor first and then do a residency in radiology. Anyway I've contacted people from the past on social media and been in touch. One lady I knew somewhat in college and I thought she was real cool, so I looked her up and contacted her. After getting to know her on social media, I like her but I'm not sure we would be compatible for dating. So it is fun to contact people who you used to know and re-connect.

[ArrowheadSW]

I know that you are anon on this post, but pop me over a message if you'd like.

[Asker]

Yes he's very smart alright. I think I've long blew up my chance to ever date him. I believe I had the chance to once, long, long ago but both of us acted so immature back then.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s particularly healthy. One of the reasons why I say this is because without communication you might be prone to fantasizing about him and viewing him as a much better person then he actually is and you don’t want to compare your current options to someone thats not even real. Every relationship will take work and have its challenges try not to spend a lot of time on this one. It can take time to find the right person and to have enough experience to know what is who is right for you. Don’t waste it on him

[D_Bone_Steak]

There is a thin line and if you cross it... these human chimpanzees will eat you alive just to hear you scream. It's bad when it goes bad or gets exposed... if it's just something you masturbate to in order to go to sleep.. just requires your own coom jar for collecting the needed juice for access to the orgasmasphere.

[Anonymous]

Are you at the same level as him academically/professionally? If he has a kid and he’s interested in a committed relationship, he’ll likely want someone on his level. Personally, I wouldn’t get involved with anyone who has kids/ex-wives (baggage). You’ll end up as a babysitter. If you’re just trying to sleep with him, ask him out. Doesn’t sound like he’s interested though otherwise he would’ve reached out by now. Wouldn’t hurt to try either way though.

[Asker]

I'm sorry to respond this late but yes you have great point. It seems like the wife he had was a doctor too but for some reason their marriage didn't work out. At this point he would be out of my league. Meanwhile he got his MD degree, all I've obtained is a BA's degree in hotel management and culinary arts. I'm no where near his level and you're right. It doesn't sound like he's interested in me and likely never was.
Plus we had a stupid argument a very long time ago. I was still 14 at the time and he was 16. He found out I liked him and confronted me about it (asking repeatedly if I liked him, trying to see if I blush or smile but I got serious.. then asking if he's pretty), making me feel very nervous, uncomfortable and upset. It got to the point I blew up on me and said hurtful things and even told him he was worthless. Turns out he was just joking and wanted to ask me out on a date but I got too offended and further hurled bad words. The argument was horrible alright and I surprised myself that I was able to say all that to my crush.. insult the very person I liked/loved.

Needless to say, I think the ship has sailed ever since and I lost my chance. He's just my FB friend that I hardly ever text. We never spoke about that horrible incident though. You're right. If he was interested he would've reached out to me.

[FreyaRed]

You just associate positive emotions with this guy. Others do that with their child memories.
Find other emotionally positive or comfortable moments in your past and he will fade away. It seems you don't want think about him anymore.

[Asker]

Nope I don't want to think about him because it's not helping me in anyway. He's just a fantasy I'll never have and that's not doing me any favors. Meanwhile I'm trying to make things work out with this other guy whom I contact every day. I think I need to focus more on the present day than on the past crush.

[DeeDeeDeVour]

Obsession, in general, is bad no matter what the extent is.

[Asker]

Back in our school years, he had mixed opinions about me: on one hand a quiet and good student that gets A's and B's but on the other hand the weird girl.

[Asker]

But it's my secret. If he knew, I'll probably be consider the crazy, weird woman.

[IslaTheWitch]

It's not an obsession. Obsession is when you can't have a normal life, and you don't really control your thoughts or behavior...

[TruliAdreamerInLove]

I suppose it’s not bad if you’re getting paid for it and it doesn’t hurt anyone.

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason why you’ve never dated over all these years?

[Asker]

I did dated and been in other relationships but there is one particular person that's impossible to get over it no matter how many years passed nor if you have others in your life.

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry, I mean like dating him, have you two ever tried?

[Asker]

We had a terrible verbal argument in HS and never dated. Supposedly he was going to ask me out once but he made a big out upon finding out I liked him. I was too immature to date him at age 14 and he was immature at age 16 too.

[Asker]

In my nervousness and anger towards his jokes, I took things personal and literally insulted him while still liking him. Sad. I wish I could go back in time, take it all back and communicated better.

[Opinion Owner]

Wow, so you never dated but have been obsessed 20+ years? I don’t think that’s healthy. You asked if we’ve had obsessions but for me it’s only been fixations, which last for like a year or two but never without is having some sort of dealings. I moved on from those men and forgot all about them once I found a man I think is better than them all. Maybe that’s when you will forget too, once you’ve found a great man. Even though you’ve dated you may have not encountered this guy yet.

[Asker]

Yeah maybe that's what I need, to find someone that makes me forget about him.

[Opinion Owner]

Yep! That’s what did it for me. For whatever reason, that guy did something that no other guy has made you experience since high school. Figure out what it is.

[Asker]

Actually my liking towards him started in Middle School (I was in 7th grade and he was in 8th grade) and it intensified when I became a HS freshman (9th grade) and saw him again.

[Asker]

yeah I'm trying to figure out what he did to get me to melt over him. He never felt the same way towards me. I even groped him (grabbed his ass) once when I was 12... yup that's the only single time I ever placed my hands on a guy in a sexual manner... oops. Maybe that could've played a role? that groping I did?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't classify this as an obsession.

But yes, anytime you lose control even if you're in love it's a BAD thing. Never lose control!

[Asker]

Yeah true. As long as it's not affecting my life in any major way, then it's ok. I just wish there was a magic formula of getting his particular man out of my mind, to see him ugly and unwanted, to make me not feel anything towards him.

[Opinion Owner]

There is but it takes time and effort. You attraction is a result of your brain lying to you (we all have done and do this). It's not love, it's called "limmerance" and it's the result of an event or events that triggered a chemical response in your brain making you feel more connected him then you logically should. You're brain lied to you so you simply have to LIE back to it. Think of all his shortcomings all his negative points (I promise you he has them). And play them in your brain in a endless loop. Over enough time you will stop thinking of him the way you currently do. It'll just take time.

[Asker]

I'll never contact him again after he didn't even say thanks when I greeted him on FB for his birthday. When someone (anyone on my contact list) wishes me a happy b-day, I always say thank you.
Now that I'm remembering, he NEVER once defended me whenever he saw I was getting ridiculed and socially bullied in middle school. He said nothing and even once caught him with a small smile, then walked away.
I've spoken to his sister (she's my same age and my old friend too... I was friend with her in 8th grade and HS) last year or so... she herself told me that her brother was an ASSHOLE in HS.

[Asker]

Then in HS, I even had a terrible verbal argument with him. He made a couple lame jokes and supposedly was trying to impress me in a bad manner and then ask me out. I got upset by then. My friend (sister) was right there when the argument happened and she didn't defend her brother. She thought he deserved it.

[AngryCarl]

Not at all. Most successful people are obsessed with what they do.

[KrakenAttackin]

Been there.

[Asker]

How did you solve it?

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... many, many, years going by.

[Asker]

Ok I can't continue getting stuck on a fantasy, no matter how much I'm longing, melting for that guy. I was still 12 (and he was 14) when I first laid my eyes on him.
He'll never reciprocate and I'll continue moving on. I think I just the ability to ever develop passionate love/lust for another man even if I were to marry him as second option. I don't want to be alone forever either.

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker. Stop stalking him on social media for that dopamine hit. I was fortunate that my lady wasn't active on social media so I didn't have anything to keep fueling the feeling.

[Asker]

Unrequited love sucks for a woman too.

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker. I'm sure. Women have the advantage of being able to quickly find another man.

[Asker]

Yeah, putting emotions aside if he had any interest in me then he would've contacted me many times years ago when I was in my 20's, in my primes. He only contacted me once in my 20's, only to say hi and asking me what major I'm studying. Then never again lol. I'm friend with his sister, whom is my same age and out of respect for his sister... I think that's the only reason he said hi once.

[KrakenAttackin]

Just focus on your current relationship.

[Asker]

Actually I've been speaking to another man for nearly a year now. He visited me in my country last month. I'm hoping things work out with him. My goal is to get married.