Can I ever get past my guilt?

[Anonymous]

Even though it's been several years, I can't get over the time I nearly caused a tragedy as a babysitter.

As I was about to reach the last few steps downstairs when I tripped and barely managed to position my landing. The couple's then 1-month old girl missed hitting the ground by a bit. My arm (along with the thick blanklet) was still holding the baby, who was sleeping.

I fractured my right leg in the process, breaking a bone. I screamed in pain and that's the only thing that woke up the baby. I never held other babies ever again. Never worked babysitting ever again.

I'm now 32 and the girl is already 13 years old. Yet I can't get past the guilt of nearly killing their daughter if I would've fallen the wrong way, dropped the baby or didn't change my landing. That's the only reason I'm even afraid of being a mother myself. I still feel like the worst person ever. Can I ever get past it?

Updates

11 mo

It's great nothing happened to the baby but it still scared the heck out of me, enough to never handle other babies again.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your instincts did their job and protected the baby. If you're serious about moving past your guilt you are gonna have to forgive yourself at some point. Your guilt did it's job in teaching you to be more careful so try out babysitting again and use that lesson.

[Asker]

Babysitting was the best thing ever and I've always wanted kids. I would've already be a mother (I still want to) if it weren't for this guilt. That's the only reason two relationships failed; both wanted things to move forward and have kids. I'll have to move on before time (for kids) runs out for me.

[Staximus]

Just don't have a house with stairs. Relax, you didn't even hurt the baby. Accidents happen, nobody's perfect.

[Asker]

True. Yet accidents like these are be very scary.

[seeyounexttuesday]

lol. what? You saved the baby, and it possibly wouldn't have died anyway. You're gonna just have to be thankful you had quick hands.

[In_Trance]

Nearly doesn't count

[Asker]

I know but that incident haunted me all these years.