How do I stop feeling guilty?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

The other day my ex fiancé’s parents came to my apartment without warning me, they brought me some gifts and when they left, his mother messaged me that my ex has been very depressed, always sharing sad and nostalgic songs and she asked me what I thought.

Then she asked me blaming me “Why didn’t you fight for him?”, “Why didn’t you go to his city?” “Dod you ever love him?”

These words made me cry.

She was kinda blaming me for not fighting a man who hurt me the worst I’ve been hurt, who chose to leave me, who I, to my shame, almost begged to stay and he still chose to walk away knowing what he meant for me. He never met me even once. I told him I would go to his new city, because after all I went to China mainly for him.

But he said it wouldn’t change anything if we met, he didn’t meet me, even though I wanted and he knew I wanted.

I almost died of a heartbreak.

Then on top of all he got a new girlfriend when I was still trying to realize how could he leave me.

I could go to his city, I could stalk him and bla bla but it means I would lose my honor and self respect because of him, I already hurt my self respect a lot when I continually forgave him hurting me.

I didn’t want to break myself more.

I told my ex fiancé’s mom that it was cruel to think I didn’t love him as I’ve never loved a human being more than I loved him.

She asked me why I didn’t call him more often, I didn’t because he didn’t want to. I told her what he meant for me. She asked me why did I love him, “he doesn’t have money, house, nothing”,

I said everything for what I loved him.

I for a moment thought she wanted to know this to feel proud of her son and please her ego.

When she was certain I was saying the truth, she told me my ex broke up with his new girlfriend in April and maybe it’s better I forget him because time and distance kills everything.

I had him forgotten! Before she asked me to tell her all the reasons I loved him.

Updates

9 mo

Then she stopped talking about him totally, as if she learned what she wanted to know.

My ex got 3 years contract in that new city and there’s no way we’ll meet again. But why did I feel guilty after talking with his mom? I felt like maybe I did something wrong?

Updates

9 mo

Okay, so I think I wrote it unclearly. I haven’t contacted him since January this year. Before then I tried my best to reconcile, but I have my self respect, at some point I quit. I couldn’t go to his city and stalk him against his wishes and I couldn’t act like a woman who has lost her self respect. That’s what his mom kinda blamed me for. I told her I am not going to contact him not because I didn’t love him but because I already did everything I could do and I had to respect his wishes.

[Friendlybro79]

You feel guilty because you allowed her to come into your home and basically brow beat you over her son. She made you have to talk about it and she tried to blame you. Only until she was satisfied with your answers did she stop.

I'm not sure if this is a cultural thing but someone's mom of a grown man keeping in contact with his ex is weird to me. I know you loved this guy but I don't understand the point in why she came unannounced, which is rude, to just make you feel bad about something that isn't her business really.

Parents of grown children shouldn't be doing this and I think this is very abusive to make you feel bad for something that seemingly is not your fault. Couples break up. Forget who to blame it happens.

I mean this sincerely and not meaning to sound harsh but you should ask the mom to stop coming unannounced to berate you in your own home. She seems to not have moved on and this wasn't her relationship. Regardless of how much you loved his family this behavior is not appropriate. Defending her is unnecessary. There's nothing to defend on her part for how she treated you in this situation. She's meddling in something she can't control.

[Friendlybro79]

How to stop feeling guilty is to move on from him and his family. You have to let them go.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

In China parents approval is a big thing, they even have a legal right to have a say in their child’s decision.

So, their son is obviously gone and not asking them anything nor acting on their wishes. Hence why they try to push me to act lol.

[Friendlybro79]

Ah. Ok. If my remarks seemed insensitive I apologize then. I did not know that hence why I asked regarding if it was cultural.

Well I'm certainly not convinced my advice is that easy to take nor am I suggesting you single handedly change the entire cultural aspect of the entire country lol.

How to not feel guilty is to still move on and find someone new to love. There is someone out there that you will meet that will make this the past you. I know that's difficult to do but it will happen.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

It’s okay. I am not Chinese, I know it’s weird. Actually most Chinese are against international marriages so it’s a surprise to me that they have been liking me so much

[Friendlybro79]

It's not surprising. Of course I don't know you but based on your questions here and how you respond you seem to be a really nice person. All parents everywhere care about that as well. Yes I am speaking for all parents when I am not one lol. Only an American can get away with this kind of malarkey lol. I'm making fun of myself here but I believe you shouldn't be surprised. I. Retrospect, understanding the cultural norms better, it seems to be they must really like you, which says a lot about you as a person. I truly believe good things happen to good people in due time.

[Leapfrog00]

It's putting weight on you. What his parents don't realize is this is between you and him. It sounds like they really care about you, but they are making it about themselves, and him.

Obviously, the relationship is over, and yeah, you're right, you could stalk him and obsess over him to make them happy, but it's not going to make things any easier. Sometimes things just don't work out. That doesn't mean both people don't love each other. I'm sure he still loves you and you still love him to some extent, but his parents need to let this go. It's stirring up memories and it's breaking your heart.

You are doing everything you should be doing. The relationship is over and seeing him again is only going to stir up memories and cause more heartbreak for the both of you.

Now, to stop feeling guilty, I'm going to give you my best advice. Remind yourself that this is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. What you're feeling is something called toxic shame because his parents put a guilt trip on you. Regardless of if they're nice people, it's an ignorant thing to do something like that. They're causing you tears!

You need to remind yourself that you're still a good person. Could you really change anything? Yes, but do you really want to chance anything? No. You have NO reason to feel guilty. It hurts to lose someone, and to be alone, but you need time to heal, and his parents are not giving you that.

Don't blame yourself, remember you deserve to be happy also, and keep reminding yourself of that. I hope you take this advice. I'm a good listener if you want to talk.

[BasedBaeBecca]

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for your ex-fiancé's emotions or actions. It's not your job to "fight" for him, and it's not fair for his mother to expect that of you. Instead, your primary focus should be on yourself and your own mental health and well-being. If you feel it would help you, you can try to set boundaries with his mother to protect yourself. You don't need to answer her questions or have further conversations about the relationship, especially in a way that is hurting you.

[justabuddy]

Ditto

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t know why she would remind me of the time after break up and why she thought I must have fought for her.

All these things she blames me for not doing is the story of a past. And even if I went back to time there’s no way I’d chase him to another city or stalk him or just everything his mother blames me for not doing.

[Screenwriter]

His parents are incredibly invasive and bullying. Don't ever allow them into your home again, or allow them to skewer you with questions.

I can see how HE is so messed up if they are his parents! UGH! Change yr phone no. and block all media contact. And don't answer yr door if they show up again. Sounds like mean streaks run in their family! HEavens...

[kylee2437]

Ew parents need to learn to butt out of their child’s business. Tell them to leave you alone

[SeanMarkert]

Agreed

[MementoMori777]

so now his family is getting involved too, and not just that but they are also making you feel bad, trust me you got nothing to feel bad for, none of it is your fault, he was apiece of crap and he chose to leave you, dont let them manipulate you with your emotions, he fucked up, simple as that and next time they try to manipulate you, you tell them that, if they see you are easily manipulated, they will continue to do it, tell them he left you and you lost feelings for him and the ship has sailed, he gotta quit his yapping and grow a spine, he fucked up, now he suffers, it just how it is, none of them have the rights to involve themselves into your lives, cut em off and let tell them the truth, dont let them turn this on you, you didn't suffer and go through all that pain for them to just now blame you and make you the bad guy, i hate people like that

[MementoMori777]

no lie this one really pissed me off, if i dont respond, its cause im too angry too do so

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am not contacting him. They also think it’s late. Since he is gone far and has signed a 3 year contract in that city.

I think they just kind of blame me that he wouldn’t be so far, had I fought for him. What the hell. Why should I fight for him. I did fight for our love and he didn’t care, I think I am mot the guilty one in this story.

And if they want to make someone feel guilty, that mustn’t be me. For me, my ex is dead.

Even if someday he tries coming back, which I doubt he will, but even if he does, for me he is the ghost that I don’t want in my life anymore.

[MementoMori777]

dont cry tho, you yourself seem to know that its not your fault and that brought a peace to my soul, i im just glad you didn't all that bullshit up, they all just seem toxic, i get they worry about their son but going to the girl that got her heart broken and thrown away for someone else and then blaming her for it, the nerve smh, i recommend you cut them all off and dont even answer the door if they come kmocking again, go ghost on that fam, im sure this probably ruined your day, dont let it, drink some wine or someshit, relax and distract yourself with some tv or something, dont listen to those clowns.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t cry, at that moment when she told me maybe I never loved her son, I couldn’t help but cry though, cause how could someone think I didn’t love him.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I think what she finds unbelievable is that his son left me first, because she knows he loved me a lot. So I guess he thinks if I did anything differently it would help, but I think I did everything I could do and I don’t want to feel guilty for the mistake I haven’t made.

[MementoMori777]

then it must have hurt a lot for it to make you cry, either ways, you know the truth and you know you can always count on peeps here to support you, he's going through the regret stage and he deserves it, they just need someone to blame and they chose you, their opinions are invalid.

[MementoMori777]

they want to point fingers then lets do that, where were they with their parental advice when their son was making the stupid decision of dropping you for someone he probably didn't even know that well, none of them gave a fuck about you when you were depressed and heartbroken and alone, they can honestly swallow and choke on all their bullshit

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

They were fighting with him, they didn’t talk to him for 2 months, my ex wasn’t allowed to go back home. Instead they contacted me and always offered me support.

[MementoMori777]

okay then they aren't as rotten as i thought, then it just sounds like parents venting and you shouldn't take it personal, they are probably just frustrated that their son is in a bad state of mind, as long as you know you aren't at fault, let all the guilt go, if it all wouldve been up to you, you know damn well you wouldve married and stayed with him, the one that broke it off was him which means it was beyond your power, deep down im sure they know it

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yep, they are nice people. It’s just she told me, in China women are very assertive and in her words “they don’t let man go so easily”, lol, I am mot Chinese though and I have some self respect, of a man wants to go, he is free to go, I shouldn’t feel guilty for NOT chasing him or Not stalking him.

[MementoMori777]

well she surely can't expect every woman to be the same either lol

you aren't even chinese so i know she's used to it but she shouldn't expect it, she's gotta get used to non chinese women no lie, its a first so it slides but now she knows, lets not forget it took you a while to get over him, you didn't let him go easy, he let you go easy, probably not a good idea to tell her that 😶

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Nope. What she expected is that I’d fight for him, go to his city, sleep with him, try to change his mind, try to not give him a rest or any time away from me. That’s what I’ve been told women do here when a man wants to break up with them. Basically change his mind by sex or something else lol, extra attention.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am not that kind of person though. That’s why he liked me in the first place, I always had some self respect and I was the only girl who didn’t jump on him. He told me girls sometimes straight up went to him and asked him to kiss or have sex.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

But that’s not in my personality, I could never do that, even if I forced myself to, I just can’t.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

So she was kinda blaming me for allowing another woman take him from me. I wouldn’t allow have I been there in the first place, but I was in a long distance and there was nothing I could do.

I am not very good at mind games or manipulating a man into something I want him to do. Whatever I want I say honestly and I expect him to do the same.

She liked me for being myself, but she thinks I am guilty for not acting like other girls.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My mom is the kind of woman, she’s a great flirt. She made my dad fall for her when he had a fiance.

I am not that type of person though.

[MementoMori777]

that's a beautiful trait Fatale, thats just what good men like to see in a woman, self respect gets you far, i dont agree with how the chinese women are, i didn't know that, this fully convinced me to avoid chinese women but i believe that it was overall a messed up scenario, and im not trying to brag or sound like a dick but i told you karma was gonna bite him in the ass 😶

happen how i thought it would too, she was gonna break up with him, i know that natural justice stuff well lol

going off topic tho, im glad you have such a respectable character tho, if you were an item, youd be a nailed baseball bat, you feeling better tho about the whole situation? 🙃

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you. I am not sure what happened between them but I hope somewhere deep down he realizes and regrets what he has done.

But I don’t get why’d I be a baseball ball 😂 Have never played it and have no idea what’s good about it.

[MementoMori777]

im sure he already regrets it, all that time y'all spent together, im sure he's beating himself up over it, thats probably where all that depression is coming from, cause the truth is he had it all and just traded it in for some bull.

not a baseball ball, i said a nailed baseball bat, you know the bat but how they modify it in zombie apocalypses with nails everywhere to break zombie heads, yea that, the bat is you, shiny, strong a good strong shape but the nails represent your badass and fierce attitude and your ability to make the rough decisions that have to be done, I've accepted already that i sound like a complete lunatic, no lie tho, there's many things i can compare you to that probably fit the picture better, but im far too invested in the bat to turn back now 😂

[CantMissIt]

I don't understand how a man could be in love and engaged to a beautiful girl and then run off alone to another city, leave his girl and then replace her with another. Maybe I'm not cut out for modern relationships, but I couldn't do it. I think he couldn't have actually loved you, or he doesn't know what that means, because how could he?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We were long distant because of pandemic for too long and his feelings faded. I understand. If not that long distance he said we’d already be married and he said he truly loved me and hasn’t cheated on me ever while in a long distance.

[CantMissIt]

I don't think love can fade unless the foundation was weak to begin with. Men have gone off to wars and feelings were as strong as ever. I don't think you should feel guilty about a damn thing. He obviously was a fool that couldn't appreciate what he had in front of his face. Further, he went and had another relationship after being engaged. I think you're misplacing feelings of guilt. He should be the one.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He called me 3 months after break up, when he started a new relationship, was asking me to forgive him and said he was guilty and saying that he f*cked up, but it was too late to go back as he caught feelings for that girl and he asked me to forget him and that we would never be together again so he asked me to move on.

[CantMissIt]

I think you should. His loss.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you.

[msc545]

Keep in mind that even if you were to get back together with him and things seemed good you would always be living with the memories of the bad things that he did and would always be at risk for becoming a victim of his behavior. Once again. In other words, he would repeat what he did before. Once again with you. He cannot be trusted no matter how much you have idealized him. I don't know for sure but it seems to me that in regard to him you may have Stockholm syndrome.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No, I don’t want to get back together with him. I haven’t contacted him since January, have no desire do ever do that.

I feel annoyed that his parents thought I didn’t love him because I didn’t try harder. His mom kinda blamed me for not crossing my self respect and not chasing him in his new city after break up, that’s something I’d never do. But when she said “Maybe you never really loved him.” That hurt…

What else could I do to love someone more? For a moment I felt guilty maybe I didn’t show enough love, but then I remembered that even if his parents don’t know, he knew I did, and I shouldn’t be feeling guilty and his parents shouldn’t be trying to make me feel guilty either.

[msc545]

What difference do the opinions of his parents really make? I know you had a good relationship with them at one point but that is gone now. Or at least it should be. I think they showed their true colors or at least his mother did by blaming you for not chasing him. That is an unreasonable expectation on her part.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

They gave me lots of gifts and I feel in debt, I want to give something back and then let go, I am moving in 5 days, I’ll not have any time for this after that.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Their opinions don’t make any difference. I would much rather them not talk to me at all.

[Andres77]

At least take comfort in the fact that they saw something wonderful in you, even though their son didn’t.

[Andres77]

He didn’t realize HOW wonderful you are

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you, but I feel hurt that they make me feel as if I made a mistake by not fighting for him.

I did everything I could and even more than I wish I did.

Doing anything more than that would be huge painful strike to my self respect.

I haven’t contacted him since January and I have lost the interest to ever do it.

So I feel upset I have to prove his mother I really loved him and she tries to make me feel guilty that if I loved him, why didn’t I fight more. I came to China FOR him. What else could I do.

[Andres77]

You can’t make anyone love you. It’s too bad that they can’t move on. You bear no blame. You’re strong. Move on
This might not be awesome advice but it’s all I’ve got for now.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I think I have moved on, so I don’t like his parents to drag me into the feeling that I have left into the past. I don’t like that, it shortly but still awakens the guilty or emotional thoughts in me that I wouldn’t like to have anymore. It’s been almost 11 month since our break up. So many things happened after that. I don’t want to be emotionally dragged behind.

[Andres77]

Didn’t you just spend time with your ex’s mom a while ago? You both care for each other. You’re going to have to separate your relationship with her from any connection to your ex. And put her in her place (gently).

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I want to have a separate relationship with her, because she has been very supportive to me and I have thought of her like my own mom. I didn’t go to her hometown for holidays, they booked a hotel for me and prepared everything but my job had some urgencies and couldn’t leave sadly.

So they decided to come to my home instead. Which made me very happy, it’s just I wish she would never doubt that i loved her son.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

She kinda blamed me for partying in January instead going to see my ex and because she thought if he saw me, he would get all his feelings back. I also think seeing me would change everything but he said he didn’t want to see me because it would make his decision harder and he didn’t want anything to interfere with his decision. He wanted to go into that city and start a new life and a career. So I respected that wish and accepted the decision he made for both of us.

[Nerdvana]

Believe it or not, I can really relate to the situation as you describe above. But I am not sure what you are feeling guilty about? Breaking up? Not trying hard enough to save the relationship? His parents coming over?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yeah, she blames me for not trying hard enough, for putting my pride over our relationship and not going to his city to meet him and change his mind. But I couldn’t do that because i have some self respect, I won’t chase a man who decided to go from me.

[Nerdvana]

I see, they put a guilt trip on you. Well that's not fair. It takes two to make a relationship work. Their son also made decisions, that you couldn't control. If their son is feeling sad, it's because he wants to, no because he has to. It sounds like you did everything you could to love him. You did the right thing by letting him go. The only love greater than loving someone, is loving yourself. It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

[RoseySarah]

A mom always sees her son as innocent what ever he does!

She can't understand that he hurt you! Even if you have video and explain it all. She will put you at fault!

So sorry she did that and hope you can move on! Your right he never wants your love any more. You deserve someone better with money.

[justabuddy]

Dang it, I was afraid of this. The way you were describing the situation made me think she was trying to get you two together again.

I think if you want to get back together with him. That should be your call, not hers.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I haven’t done anything, I just told her it’s hurtful to think I didn’t love him just because I didn’t fight for him or stalk him like some crazy exes would do. She kinda blamed me for not chasing him in a new city and for giving him the space that he asked me for.

I must have had zero self respect if I did any of this.

I did what was hard for me but the right choice, I walked away and was hurting alone.

She said Chinese girls don’t let men go so easily and they don’t give him a rest unless he falls for her. I am not a Chinese girl though… I have some self respect and I don’t think I should feel guilty for something I didn’t have choice over. I asked him to stay and he still went, I told him I would forgive him everything and he still left. What else could I do.

I don’t understand what his mom wants? She makes me feel guilty and then goes saying “Yes, it’s better you forget him”.

I did forget him until she reminded me.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

There’s no way I’ll contact him ever again myself.

And he also signed a new 3 year contract in that new city, which means he also has totally given up on any prospects of meeting. So I don’t think I should be guilty about anything.

I leave him in past, he has not heard a word from me since January and there’s no way I am contacting him.

What does his family want?

Why don’t they make their son feel guilty instead of me?

[love_conquers_lust]

That’s a lot of drama.

I’d have liked to tell his mom why she won’t rise up to a government that was responsible for the CoVid outbreak in the first place that separated you two.

Hopefully the next generation of Chinese women learn from her mistakes. That’s what happened in America. China is still catching up.

[zebronics]

Ah, guilt, the annoying mosquito buzzing around in your brain. Here's the plan: imagine guilt as a pesky salesperson. So, when guilt knocks on the door, answer it with a giant foam finger that says "No Guilt Zone!" Then do a victory dance and declare yourself the undefeated champion of guilt evasion. Remember, guilt is just a persistent sales pitch, but you're the boss of your emotions. So, show that guilt who's really in charge and embrace your guilt-free, carefree existence!

[molonski2]

Emotional black mail , I'd politely tell them to " Fck off " and mind their own business , in a polite Chinese way of course , but I'd make my point clear , they have an agenda.

[spartan55]

I think it would be smart watch I cut that woman out of your life completely. Wtf I would have told her to kick rocks.

[spartan55]

*if you cut that woman

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

They are nice people I just think she was frustrated about our break up.

[spartan55]

Not her business.

[JesseP1nk]

You need to stay away from him and his parents. Block them, move to different place/city - whatever. Dont tell where you going or anything. This helps you move foward and is not constant reminder of the past.

[sheenagwapa]

you've done everything you could so please stop feeling guilty.

[Shy_Steve]

Try not to worry about it, That's there problem not yours.

[Kelly6]

stop thinking about it