Help...boyfriend obsessed with my past /;

hello. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and two months. in the beginning he asked how many guys I have slept with. I didn't really want to open up that much so I told him less than it really was. I know that was very wrong. I wanted to tell him the truth and was planning to but my "best friend" apparently told him first. he got so mad at me and called me so many hurtful names. he didn't break up with me but started being somewhat mean. A little later in the relationship he found out about one my friend didn't mention and again he got even more mad. he broke up with me for less than 24 hours and then got so much more rude and SO MEAN to me. I cry almost everyday. anyway it didn't stop there. he has found things out that I didn't even know he wanted to know. he wants to know EVERYTHING and I just don't see why. he wants to know everything from who I've kissed, who I've talked to and who I've simply just had a conversation with. he has asked me things and I sometimes would answer no because I feel like it was pointless and it is. then sometime later he would just get things out of me and get mad and call me the most horrible names ever. he says he loves me but I don't think he does since he doesn't accept me. he got so mad cause I tweeted a guy saying I think I saw him at a party. I mean it was just a tweet and I didn't even know the guy. he still brings it up even though this was in 2011. also he still brings up a conversation I had with my old friend. we used to talk but ended up staying friends. he still brings that up also and it was in his friend showed him a message from when my boyfriend and I were talking for about a month and a half from a guy I slept with simply asking how I was and saying he doesn't know why we stopped talking. I honestly totally forgot about the message and I know I probably shouldn't have messaged him back. I don't know what kind of advice I am asking for. I am just very tired of this relationship revolving around my past and getting basically verbally abused. I really love my boyfriend, just not his mean side. I am faithful, loyal, we act like our total self around each other, I am ALWAYS there for him and go out of my way for him and love him unconditionally. I just don't know why he digs in my past so much and treats me bad and takes me for granted. he doesn't think I am a good girl or a good person. I really am both. I'm a strong woman that never judges anybody and I'm so nice to everybody. he says he doesn't see himself marrying me. I know that I have made mistakes in the past before I knew him, I know that I should have told him about sexual partners but I don't know why he wants to know about every little thing and I don't know why he is still with me and treating me bad if he doesn't accept me and treats me bad. he always checks other woman out including my mom , sister, and aunts. he has gotten girls number and always throws his ex's in my face and never ever does anything cute or nice for me. I just

..don't know what to do.


Most Helpful Guy

  • "I sometimes would answer no because I feel like it was pointless and it is"

    Don't say that. Saying "no" when that's not the truth, than, as far as I understand, that is lying.

    Say that you don't want to talk about it and he should have some respect about it. He needs to know to understand when he can't have what he wants... He is doing what I may call "A Boss vs Slave" situation, where he thinks he has to know everything about you. It is good that you both talk about each others past and that sort of things, but everything needs to have its own time.

    "I know I probably shouldn't have messaged him back. I don't know what kind of advice I am asking for."

    A relationship needs a lot of things to work out... Love, Respect, Confidence, Trust, Knowing about each other, you name it.

    Look, he needs to calm down a bit. He probably has lost trust on you since the first day you lied to him (did you tell him about your motives? Did you apologize?) but that's no reason for he to treat you like if you were a bitch (sorry about the word, and It is not to offend you on any way it is just the way he is treats you)

    " I am just very tired of this relationship"

    That's not healthy... Request him some time for you to think about things and have your own space. If he keeps controlling you (if not even worse) than you'll know that you've made yourself the best decision you could make. If he changes (not in details, but he really needs to know what he has on his hands in order to know how to take care of you. But he also has to learn that a human being is free-wiling to just dump him and make his life miserable)

    " I'm a strong woman that never judges anybody and I'm so nice to everybody. he says he doesn't see himself marrying me."

    For me that would be the end of it all... Is he just dating you so that he doesn't feel alone around his friends? Do you know his family? Do you know his friends? Do you KNOW HIM?

    Sorry for this and I know that it will hurt in some way but... I think that he isn't worth the time you take to even think about it. He is just a pig

    Now that I've ended the text (I never edit up my previous responses on the topics inside the text so that you can see how the answer changes over your own words. When you write, I think that if you read it twice you may be able to reply your self and resolve your own problems, but a different opinion is always good)

    You should really sort the things out. You should have done it a long time ago but it's never too late for a true love I guess. By your words, I may say that he doesn't love you, but it may also mean that you are just angry at him and threw it all here, so it might be a different story, but overall it's what you think about those things.

    Take some time for your self, and PLEASE let him know that you are just done with it... Treat him the same way he treats you everyday, but on a worse level. He will then feel the pain you feel when you past through it.

    Hope it helped (going out of characters xD)


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What Guys Said 24

  • You've picked up some unripe banana, lady.

    Not the best wording in the current situation, I guess. Laugh it off. I'm saying he's a bad fruit. Nobody has the right to make you feel bad for being human, for having a past.

    Your past is your qualification to be the judge of the critics. Not their validation for condemnation.

    Whenever you have done something a jerk is going to put you down for, think of it this way. It was you who did it. Not them. They have no right. No right at all to make you feel this low. No right to judge you.

    We sit here in a society built by the guilt machine of the whack jobs that ran away from Europe, so they could persecute each other on a new religious guilt trip - and you're living through it, hundreds of years later.

    Marriage is for two people who love each other and then decide to stay together. Not for two people who work on it after one becomes an ogre, and the other gives in out of remorse and self loathing.

    Do me a favor, and promise me you'll make your life better. Just leave this guy. Don't just let it get worse for you. Whether it's his fault or yours, end this relationship as safely as you can. Then work on you. Whether he caused the depression or not isn't important. Think of the life you have ahead, and the opportunity for happiness.

    Getting trapped like this is an easy thing to fall into. We have expectations of how life is supposed to be, and who it's supposed to be with. Even for how they should treat us. When our minds are faced with an entirely different reality, it can be a source for a disconnect. We don't see the woods for the trees. Get lost in them.

    The biggest blessing we all have is an open, blank page right after this one. And after that one, and the next. Stop writing yourself into the bottom right corner, with nothing but more pain to be scribbled on the other side.

    That next page is blank. Alone time. No dude giving you sh*t and making you feel like you let him down, before you even met him. Some unforgiving d***head, to pluck at your strings and perhaps play out old pain for you to hear over and over again. Make that page your story. The story of you after you gave up trying to please men.

    The right man will be pleased with you, for who you are to him.

    Not for who managed to get lucky with you in the past. Jesus. What a prick you got involved with. A little boy, angry at Mommy, taking it out on you. And yes, maybe you're trying to please Daddy and make him be happy with you after he found out you kissed a boy at recess. I'm not going to patronize you but it may be something to think about.

    I'm 41, and all of my contemporaries and I have moved on to new parent issues, but I remember being your age. Not every woman is acting out daddy issues. So I'm not judging. You've had enough of that bullsh*t.

    Maybe move on to someone who's actually had a girlfriend, though. Weighing out what you've said, you've been suckered into being some child's training wheels.

    It's time to roll.

  • well your first mistake was breaking the trust... after he found out the truth everything went to hell... what else are you lying about? is what's on his mind every time he looks at you...

    2 options: you break up... the trust is gone its not gonna work out... and he will keep bringing it back up


    you take a break from the relationship... tell him he's gotta accept your pass or your leaving him but I also believe you need to fully tell him everyone you slept with because he doesn't wanna meet or see a random buddy of yours and in the back of his head he's wondering did he sleep with my girl?

    good luck :)

  • first off you caused this lets get that out of the way, this situation is your doing.

    should he be more mature and just break up. of course he clearly is not OK with who you actually are and in love with the illusion of you that you sold him.

    he feels cheated, he is ripped off a year and a half gone because you deceived him on who you are.

    his reaction is to be expected he is a young man in love with an illusion of a person he has been with for over a year.

    this relationship will eventually end and he will grow from this and likely never be abusive again( statistically speaking)

    you however need to learn how to not lie or say you don't discuss those sorts of things. however most guys are not looking to be with women who don't discuss those sorts of things. the quality of man you are going to get is going to be somewhat less then desirable if you truly do seek commitment

    • I didn't deceive him in any way. My past is not who I am. I am a very nice faithful woman who has made mistakes. I didn't rip him off in any way. And. Sorry but your last sentance is dumb . I'm sure there are good men out there who truly would love me even knowing about my past.

    • you did deceive him and this will be problem in the future if you feel this is not deception. sure but what does good have to do with desirable. yes I'm sure there are good guys out there that will. you are going to have to find them tho because they are not the norm. relationships in general are becoming a thing of the past and the ones that make them work tend to be a little more old school which we can tell you are not.

    • you ripped him off because he wouldn't have been with you had he know the truth. he wants and desires matter to and you stole that from him by lying. your wants do not trump his wants and vice versa that's why people break up. you not allowing him the information he wanted to decided if he was going to move forward is deception its textbook definition of deception

  • you lied about something that is the essence of who you the person he THOUGHT he was falling for, is a phony.

    He's been decided for over a year...this frankly is your fault. He's simply reacting to the LIE that you told him.

    • First off yes I know I lied and shouldn't have. I was planning to tell him the truth a couple days later but my so called friend told him. I wanted to be the one to tell him. Second you and another user keep saying I "decieved " him for a year. No. He found out about the partners way early on. And the person he fell for is not a phony. Its me. He fell for the real me. Just because I didn't tell him went on before him doesn't mean I made him fall for a totally different person.

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    • i don't know how many times I have to say this, I know what I did was wrong and shouldn't have done it. I do understand how he feels. yeah I did lie and somebody told him the truth before I got to.and I know I should have told him the truth in the first place. I do not lack immaturity or character. I am the one who acts mature about these things. his own cousins tell him to stop worrying so much about my past. I found out about something in his past and I didn't get mad because it was beforeme

    • maturity*

  • tell him the ugly truth then if he wants it so bad sounds like a lame way of messing with someone you like-_- he might as well date your friends XD

  • Okay I didn't even read the entire post. Nothing against you but first of all what ever happened before him is really none of his business and if he can't take it then he isn't worth out time or energy. You should be with someone who will accept you for you and treat you like the princess you are. Good luck!

  • I got to say that your boyfriend sounds a bit dangerous to me.

    His need to know everything about you and control who you talk to is quite obsessive. It seems to me that he is manipulative and potentially abusive.

  • The fact of the matter is you lied about it.

    If you would have simply told him the truth this probably wouldn't have happened.

    You're an idiot.

  • There's a popular saying I heard the other day on a commercial,"once you open the box it loses it's value". This man sounds like he is in love with you the person, but finds your past disgusting. He's not mad at you! He's mad at himself for falling for you. He knows deep down he can do much better than an easy slut with a fun attitude. He asked you cause it mattered to him, and when you answered him you lied. He's normal acting for a hurt male in this position. My advice is you ruined this relationship, there will never be trust and always think in the back of his mind you're up to something non-classy. So I would tell you to end it and start over with someone else. This time be honest, or stick to the lies forever and get new friends. By the way you might be doing that if the friend that told him about your past was a girl,that means she was going after him. Best of luck PS quit sleeping around, it's disgusting!

    • First of all, I'm not a slut and I never was. I don't blame him for getting mad that I lied but it's not OK how he it's okay to make me cry almost every day? it's okay that he told me he hopes I die? it's okay for him to call me all kinds of names and the rest of the rude things he does? no dude, it's not. I know I am at fault but no woman should be treat like this. and he doesn't have to worry what I do, I am faithful. & I didn't sleep around. you don't know the situations from my past

    • p.s she is not after him and never was. they hate each other and she is dating his best friend.

    • its true, me personally I will never pay more then 60% for used goods and that's in perfect condition only used once

  • hes a d*** and your a lier, what now? its a vicious cycle

    hes angry because you lied to him

    being angry is causing him to be a d***

    Being a d*** is making you upset

    and because you upset and don't want anymore upset you lie MORE to him

    which will make him even more angry

    this could have been solved by just answering the damn question honestly that first time.

    but my conclusion is that this ain't healthy, leave him

    • I thought for a moment you were gonna give the"d***s,p****s,and aholes" speech. You're exactly right!

  • Ditch him... you don't need the abuse or the stress and he can't handle the fact that you had a life before him. Don't ask a question if you can't handle the answers... Good or bad.

    Why does he need to bring up the past in the first place? Is it his business? Unless you contracted an STD that he can get then all of this is pretty much none of his concern. Forget about him. Find another ... more secure bf.

    Good luck

  • Ya I didn't finish reading.

  • He bits at your past. And your past was wrong. Every guy wants his girlfriend to be perfect though he is not. But digging at the past is unconditional. Past brings tears if was lived out of perfection. Digging at it never bring peace in relationship and also does not maintain the little present. Life is irreversible so you can't delete the past. For all I understood, he'll never understand the theory of life and relationship. My advice to you is, leave him. Find a better guy whom you think and who can understand your regret past and your transformation and disclose everything to him. Never do the past in present and in future. Stay blessed.

  • Well I'm just the opposite of your bf...I want to hear all about your previous lovers...I guess I'm sorta weird that way..cuz it turns me on to know you've had other lovers...maybe I'm a perv...but at least I've taken that focus away from jealousy and towards desires...I wish my lover would tell me about her other lovers...just thinking about it turns me on...I hope I've helped...other wise you have learned a valuable lesson...never tell anyone about your private history, unless you're sure they won't judge you and use it against you as leverage to hurt you...

  • I'm in my teens years had a lot of girls. After that, a lot less. People change over the years (there are exceptions). The past is sometimes important sometimes not. It matters to me how a girl acts in relationship with me.

    You do not need to do anything.. Tell him "I don't want to talk about the past". The past is history, the future is important.

  • He is kicking himself in the ass for falling in love with you. Its a combination of you being someone else's sex toy and jealousy. He is taking the blame out on you but it is his own fault. Sorry... its over for y'all.

  • so what guy on here are you dating

    • I don't understand this question.

    • others will.

      either stay with him while saying what you are OK with discussing and be honest about your own life or leave.

  • i think he is dubble minded he think you are at his dispossle any time check his activtes

  • No man wants another mans leftovers. Unless the guy is a whore himself, then that's another story lol.

    But really, this guy sounds like a possessive f***ing psycho. If you f***ed a bunch of guys or whatever, and you embrace that kind of sexuality, he should either accept it for leave. Changing people isn't right, and you should want to be changed when there's someone who will accept you for you and all of your past.

    • but what about for girls? guys are leftovers too. my boyfriend wasn't a virgin and has messed around with girls. he's not perfect and I don't criticize him for it. these double standards are ridiculous.

      but anyway thanks for your post. you weren't as rude as other people lolz

    • For a man to lay many of the opposite sex is a badge of honor. For women, not so much.. Things aren't fair between men and women. Women have lots of advantages (That are unfair) too, ya know?

      You're welcome. Those guys are just reacting how my first sentence describes the attitudes of men. I'm no different either, so I can't act as if I'm high and mighty lol.

  • How many guys did you sleep with and how many was the number you told him?

    • 8 and I told him 4.

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    • i think at first him suspecting me in the first place bothered me. but it bothers me more that I actually lied to him. I did see how it would have affect the relationship when I lied, and I was planning to tell him but my "best friend" told him behind my back. I wanted him to hear it from me. I read it. it was helpful. thank you.

    • You're welcome.

      Here's what I hope you learned:

      1. Men do care about sexual partner counts A LOT.

      2. Men equally care about honesty.

      3. Don't have sex with men you aren't in committed relationships and don't rush into relationships, thus keeping your partner count down.

      4. Seek out high-quality men and don't sleep with men that aren't going to go anywhere.

  • I didn't read your whole thing, but I don't blame him. You can't do stuff with a bunch of guys, lie about it, and then try to come off like an innocent little flower to us. I have no sympathy for you.

  • I too did not finish reading the whole thing. Break up with this insecure fool

  • I didn't even finish reading this whole thing but it seems like he's trying to figure out who all the people are that you've had a thing with at some point so in the future if you hang out with one of those guys he will know cause he'll probably check your phone. So basically he's afraid you're not going to remain faithful to him. Like the others have said he's a control freak. At the same time the number of sexual partners someone has had can be a deal breaker for some people. This guy sounds like he has some insecurity issues to deal with though. I would break up with him. If it were me I would prefer a girl who had 0-3 partners but it seems as I get older it's less likely to find a girl like that. I make sure that we both get tested just so we can start off with a clean slate.

  • "I just don't know what to do."

    Oh, that's easy. Leave him. Listen, your relationship is broken beyond repair. There's nothing you can do to fix it, because he doesn't want to fix it.

    In the future, don't lie about the twenty-seven guys you've slept with, don't randomly tweet dudes that you think you might have seen at parties, and stay away from guys who act obsessed with your past.

    • i know I should but I don't know why I can't. and wow wow wow it is definitely not even near 27 guys.

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    • nope it isn't. I mean I wish my number would be less than what it is but it's definitely not up there. it's less than 10. and I am going to get a little descriptive but two I don't count because it wasn't even going in because it wasn't up . and when I lost my virginity it was just too painful for me so we stopped. it was probably less than 3 minutes because it hurt so bad. maybe this was tmi but yeah. everyone is making me out to be some horrible person. I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend in any way.

    • Alright, so your "boyfriend" is making a bigger deal of this than he should. That's his prerogative, I guess. Best thing for you to do is leave him and move on.

What Girls Said 3

  • You mention that you should have told him about your past. Imo it's up to the person to decide whether they should reveal that, if they wish to. No one deserves to be abused in any way, from what you wrote he sounds very controlling. He wants to know all aspects of your past relationships as you have mentioned but I can't figure out why...either way it's your choice as to what he should know about your past. And your "best friend" was very wrong to have gotten involved.

    There are two paths you can take: break up with him or stay with him. You love him, anyone can understand that but you must know that he's not treating you with the respect you deserve as his girlfriend. You also mention that he checks out other women, family members even. Surely that must make you angry or somewhat irritated.

    Do not let the way he treats you continue, having self-respect and loving yourself means not allowing anyone to mistreat or hurt you in anyway. Stand up for yourself and express how you feel to him. His response can surely be a deciding factor on where he wants the relationship to go.

    Good luck

    • he obviously wants the relationship to go one, but with the women he fell for not this girl he is just finding out about. she caused this with her lies. its easy for her to feel like a victim because its not her world that has just been shattered. breaking up would be the right thing to do though

  • I will be really honest here. I know that if I was in a relationship with someone who lied about their sexual history, it would raise a lot of red flags. What else you have lied about? You have to remember there's a lot of nasty STDs/STIs out there, so your sexual history and your boyfriend's sexual history directly relate to both of your current health. People really have to be careful nowadays.

    And by the way, don't let yourself be a doormatt. If you can't work things out with each other, break up.

    • Damn, you stole the words right from my mind...

    • honestly, when it comes to std's, I wouldn't have even let him near me if I had something and he didn't know. I would definitely tell if I had something like that before anything. but that wasn't the case because I was clean. I see where you are coming from. and yeah everyone should know if their partner is clean, but know every single detail about them? I don't see why they would want to. I for sure don't want to know every single thing my boyfriend did with other girls. why would i?

  • Well, why did you mess around with so many guys?

    People will come here, especially girls who like you have messed around with a handful of guys, and claim that he's just insecure and it's perfectly fine that you've been around the block. But to be honest, I can relate to him. I'm far from insecure and very sure of my sexual ability, but when I really develop feelings for a guy and find out he has a sleazy sexual past, it's a turn off.

    • Your question, I was young, dumb and looked for love in all the wrong places and all the wrong ways.

      And I never said it was fine to do what I have done.

      I just think nobody has a right to judge me. I made mistakes I can't take back and he can either learn to accept it and love me unconditionally or just stop telling me he loves/needs me and leave. . I understand that everyone has there opinions but when somebody really love somebody, they

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    • i told you I have always thought that way for all of my life. even before I lost my virginity. I never felt like I have the right to judge and say things about what people do, like and say since I was little. who am I to say things about other people? I am not all of the sudden saying this because people are judging me. and I was not a whore in the past. the guys in my past were guys I actually liked but moved too fast with. and I wasn't fake at all with my boyfriend.

    • Well you certainly weren't 100% completely real otherwise he wouldn't be reacting this way

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