My boyfriends gifts offend me every time, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

I've been dating a man in his 40's for over a year and a half, there's an age gap between us (I'm 26) I have a stable life and so he does, in fact I found out recently that he's very wealthy, I love him dearly and he's very nice to me, but I get heartbroken and offended every time he buys me a gift, actually I only recieved few gifts, I bought him $1100 gift for his birthday and l send him flowers every time he gets cold, he was away on Valentine's but still I sent him $300 gift. And all I ever recieved is a $20 jewelry set and 4 cheap dresses worth $40-50 each, they are the cheapest dresses I have in my closet, I don't want to sound shallow, but why would you buy me cheap gifts when you can afford buying things that make any woman happy and he knows that I earn good money, I'd rather be with someone who's poor and generous than be with a rich guy who's stingy, he's a sweetheart and loves me dearly and very serious about us but I again I need to know is he being cheap or careful? I confronted he denied it and said I was being mean to him.

Updates

+1 y

First of all, thank you all for answering, whether your answer was positive of negative, I apperciate your time and honest opinion. I think I failed to mention few points:

1- I never knew his real age for 6 months, he told me he was a lot younger

2- he never calls/ texts unless he can call me for free

3- yes $40-50 dress is cheap when you live in an expensive city,only damaged items can be found with this price, I even had to mend them.

4- I make very good money myself

Updates

+1 y

Another point I'd like to highlight here, if I was a gold digger I'd leave him right away and find another guy to shower me with gifts, I wouldn't come here looking for advice, sometimes we women need to feel apperciated and loved through thoughtful gifts, you guys are right prices shouldn't matter, but it does only when your gift starts falling apart or is damaged because it was purchased from a thrift shop. For me I bought him a pricy gift because I thought he deserved it and it made me happy

[expos]

Well, my guess is the following:

-he's a thoughtless, cheap b*stard.

-he hasn't got a clue what you like

-he just doesn't care about you enough to spend his $ on you this way.

Now, I want you to seriously consider the 3rd because unless he has an IQ below 70, he knows better. You said that he is a sweetheart, etc. What kind of man does this? Answer: an uncaring, thoughtless b*stard. Trust me, I saw my dad do this with my mom for years. He is as cheap as they come. My mom's a sweetheart who did what you are doing...sort of, she is not rich, but generous & thoughtful. She always gave him wonderful gifts not only for the birthdays, etc., but the just because gifts. He would give her some peice of crap & she would be broken hearted. Not because it was inexpensive, but because he didn't put thought in it, he'd give her junk or on the occasion that he did spend any $, it would actually be for himself. Yeah, he tried to pass off stereo components (that just "happened" to work with his system) as a Christmas gift to her. This went on for years.

Trust me when I tell you that a cheap, thoughtless guy will never change. Never. So reconcile yourself to live with it.

Or leave him, because this is surely going to make you so resentful of him that you'll break up anyway.

Please think about this & reconsider your own behavior:

Why are you knowing giving this guy expensive gifts?

Why are you allowing his behaviors to continue?

Why are you working so, so hard to buy his attention?

Yes, I said it! You are obviously trying to buy his attention hoping that he will reciprocate. Right? Well, is it working for you? No! Stop it. From now on, birthday & Christmas gifts only. And no flowers, guys do not like that anyway. Trust me! Also, keep his gifts under $50. If you still give them with a loving intent, it is OK.

And don't let this fester. When he gives you a gift that is cheap or crap, tell him you appriciate his thoughtfulness, but you really don't understand the thought he put behind it. Ask him, what made you think of me when you saw this? Then shup up & let him answer. If he says it looks like you or something you'd wear, ask him to help you understand this because you've never worn something like that before.

BTW my mom's favorite gift from my dad cost $2.50. He gave it to her when they first met & she said it came from his heart. She still has it. It really is about the thought.

[expos]

I get it, why this bothers you. When someone you know & love, who supposedly does you, gives you a crap gift over & over, it appears to you that they don't really know you. And that can hurt. Don't think of this as a bad way of feeling. But don't let it keep bothering you either.

[Ineedadvice1989]

Best answer goes to an answer with 3 downies...a bit of a biased best answer, isn't it?

[ElijahCynicism]

best answers aren't run by a populist democracy, this isn't Yahoo Answers!

[Confucius16]

@Indeedadvice1989: the choice of best answer lies with the QA. If you don't like it, then it's no use complaining. The number of votes has no correlation with it being a good answer.

[bioweapon154]

Alright, I'm going to go back on a few things I said earlier after reading the updated parts which enlightened me quite a bit.

#1 That was definitely for myself, so sorry, I misread the context of your relationship. I only saw what money he was spending. Which leads me to part two and three.

#2 really stands out. There are things like FB and Skype where people can get in contact for free but even still, there should be an understanding for him that once he leaves town, its not like he is fallen off the face of the earth. Definitely a stingy move if he is doing it because its expensive for phone calls/texts.

#3 You had to mend the dresses because he bought them like that and they were less expensive because of that? Definitely a cheap bastard if that is what he is doing.

If I had known these three details, my opinion would be totally different. Context is everything so sorry about the other stuff said.

You definitely need to sit down and talk to him about getting an actual decent dress for once that you don't need to tailor. Tell him directly. Hard to do, I know, but guys can be clueless and the best approach is the direct one.

[Tula1]

The way you express yourself sounds foreign born. I have certain foreign friends, especially Russians, who believe that quality and cost are one and the same and would put themselves in debt if need be for the more expensive item. Many Europeans spend more but buy less items. However, the standard millionaire in this country and I would imagine abroad, gets there by being frugal. They are specific and budget should they decide to splurge. Someone like that is ingrained to stay that way. You guys have different value systems. If you want to work out, you have to find a common ground, learning the benefits from each other. That is what coupling is all about. And it is hard, particularly since we normally think "l" am right.
I am more like your guy and my kind of SO is more like you. I've found so much common ground otherwise, I let parts of it go but also, I think out of the box now in giving gifts... like finding unusual, expensive items on sale. Simply put, your guy is practical.

[why-makoto-kun]

Why did you set the pace by splurging on him when you likely can't afford it? I know I couldn't afford gifts like that. If you spend x amount of money on a gift, it's bean-counting to assume they will reciprocate gift-giving times and dollar amount (flowers for a cold is something I never hear about).

Also, his wealth does not make him obligated to spend money on you. That's his money. I could understand you getting upset if he bragged about spending x amount of money on exes and spent less on you, but that's not what I'm reading from this question.

He's buying you gifts, period. He cares about you. Try dating someone who never takes you out anywhere to go dutch or see a movie for free because he wants to stay cooped up in the house, unshowered while playing video games. :( Now that really sucks.

So, what matters to you more? His sweetness and your compatibility/chemistry or how much he spends on you? I know I would choose the former.

[Confucius16]

How much should dresses cost? I do know that it is a little wrong to spend lots of money on someone and get as much in return. Still, this is something that communication should work out, maybe.

[why-makoto-kun]

I get dresses $30-50 max. I have even scored $5 ones on clearance before. You just have to look. Price doesn't matter as long as it's fashionable and pretty.

[Confucius16]

I don't like how many of the other people are so cruel to this QA. If they want to tell her something I think they could be nicer about it. Nobody wants to hear "you're a gold digger". However, I think the QA could learn how to spend less on gifts, asking for more than $50 gifts is a little too much. Gift giving should be reciprocal. If they start counting the price, then where has the love gone?

[why-makoto-kun]

Yeah. :/ QA, he's getting you -damaged-dresses? And lied about his age? WTF. The lying is a deal breaker. I guess next time just buy yourself nice things, don't expect or ask for gifts , and dump them when they lie.

[Confucius16]

I think after the fact, the QA may have realized it, and it is true that a gold digger wouldn't be on here asking for advice. I don't know why he lied about his age, but I think this is bordering on miserly behavior, calling only when it's free and going to thrift shops. If there is love, although money does not mean everything, spending a little more means that there is enough care to spend enough money to be proportionate to income.

[Confucius16]

I see some people mentioned that this QA earns lots of money, but that is a common problem in logic, to shift attention away from the topic and instead focus on the QA. Even though she earns some money, that does not change the fact that the question is about the boyfriend.

[Confucius16]

By the way, makoto-kun, by the sentence "that does not change the fact", I'm telling this to the QA, not you. I took a look at what I wrote and it looks weirdly worded. I hope I'm not spamming or taking up your time on commenting on your answer.

[why-makoto-kun]

Not at all, you're fine ^^. Yeah he probably lied to her to make himself look better. He might be covering up a marriage or something, Idk.

[Anonymous]

He didn't become wealthy by being generous! Lol

Take him dhopping once. when trying clithes of various prices drop clear and specific hints. built value into more expensive stuff. Like they last longer or fit better. Got to use logic when building value.

If that doesn't work then you must choose to accept him as he is or reject him.

Whatever you do, do not tolerate as it will eat you up!

[bioweapon154]

LMFAO Someone is clearly golddigging and getting nowhere with it. First World Problems much? Someone also has some daddy issues clearly. He is 40 and you are 26. I truly pity you.

There lies in the problem that you are basing the relationship on unrealistic expectations. You are going about this wrong by putting a monetary value on your relationship and gifts given/received. I was expecting to see something like a Simpson's reference where Homer bought Marge a bowling ball or if he bought you tickets for a comedy show that you hated or if he bought you something clothing wise that didn't fit or didn't look good on you.

You seem to have more of an issue spending lavishly when you could probably get away with a bit less and saving for a rainy day. The world has changed in terms of economic stability and wise spending is more widely acceptable.

I absolutely hate it when I hear girls talk like this. It makes me wonder if there is hope that there are women out there who aren't just after my wallet.

[Anonymous]

The problem with giving gifts is that one party may end up feeling like the gifts that he or she is getting in return do not match the gifts that he or she is giving. Yes, you don't want to be shallow for wanting more, but when he earns lots of money and only gives you some cheap stuff, hardly worth the stuff you give him, then there is a problem of stinginess.

Although gift giving is not what makes a relationship stable or good, the act of giving gifts can show the amount of conviction you have to a relationship. If he doesn't feel like you're worth giving gifts to, then that could undermine your feelings of how he feels about you. In a good relationship, both people can give each other equal gifts that both are appreciative of.

He's stingy. But when you approach him about it, he shifts the blame on you, blaming you for being mean, when in fact he should be the one that is thinking about this. If you have a problem with this, then he should listen and be considerate of your wishes, not blame you for being mean.

The problem is that even though you think he is a sweetheart and loves you, that doesn't mean that he is free from stinginess. Just because there is love does not mean there is equal consideration on both sides.

[Opinion Owner]

I can't believe what a lot of the other guys are saying. You're not stingy. You're not a gold digger. But I think you should not spend so much on the gifts to him. Why let him sit there accepting so many gifts, and expensive gifts at that, while you get cheap gifts from him. Just let the relationship be less materialistic, and then you will have no problem worrying about whether or not he will give gifts to match what you gave him.

[Opinion Owner]

I just looked more carefully, and you said $40-$50 dresses? I don't know how much dresses cost, but usually when I buy pants, I look for something less than $20. But the jewelry set is cheap though.

How rich is he? If he's really rich, then his gift giving should reflect his budget, otherwise he's just being stingy. Also, how much money does he spend on clothes, etc. for himself? Then you can put things in perspective and see if what he spends on you matches what he spends on himself.

[Opinion Owner]

To word it in a more considerate way, being less materialistic will make you much happier. Just try to let the relationship speak for itself, and not the gifts speak for the relationship, okay. Good luck.

[Theguyoverthere]

OK The money behind the gifts should not matter. I'd much rather someone hand-make me a gift and show me they care rather than spending a bunch of money on gifts. The higher the price does NOT mean the more they care about you. To me, 40-50 dollar dresses is a lot of money as it is and I don't know why you're spending over 1k on anything for anyone.

The age difference is a little alarming but it seems that you are after his money here this time. You need to find a rich guy who is as materialistic as you are so you can live your materialistic lives since you're so convinced that the dollar amount is so important.

[Asker]

I'm not I didn't know he was rich and didn't know he was older for six months, plus I make good money myself.

[SwissCheeze]

To the Question Asker if you make good money why all the complaining? If I were you I would just buy what he didn't buy for myself.

[Prof_Don]

Some would call you a gold-digger, but they obviously didn't read the entire question!

What bothers you, is that you spend more on him, than he does on you.

-------

In short, I would not spend hundreds of dollars on gifts on him. I would spend roughly what he spends on you, so you don't feel "under-appreciated".

P.S. I just want to make sure that you're not spending large amounts of money on gifts to show your love. The sentimental value of gifts matter more than the dollar amount spent on it. :)

[Confucius16]

Good advice, as always, Dodrio.

[why-makoto-kun]

I just don't get it. Maybe it's because I never had someone give me lavish gifts over $20, but that's plenty! I love sentimental gifts and things like that; material gifts are just that and clutter up the home.

[Confucius16]

$40-50 seems a lot for a dress, but I don't know.

[Sekrett]

Ignore everyone, if you feel that strongly talk to him. If you're still not happy then reconsider your options. It shouldn't be too much to ask for a gift once in a while, it shows appreciation and that you love her, and if he can afford it I don't get why he can't put more thought into it, and buy expensive gifts. My GFs worked, current makes good money. She can afford anything yes. But its the thought, I like spoiling her, I like showing her I appreciate and love her. There is nothing wrong in your thought or wanting to be appreciated it once in a while.

Honestly I would go with he's not putting in enough effort into gifts.

[Blueplanet]

This guy loves his money more than you . hahaha I am as poor as chips but I would scrimp and save to buy my girlfriend a gift worthy of my love for her and sometimes it doesn't have to be expensive it's how it is given and the thought that has gone in to it. Maybe you need to educate him and get him to loosen his wallet drop him hints lets face it it take a brave man to buy a dress for a woman hahahaha he just needs guidance into which shops to go into, have some fun with him next time when you out in a shopping mall, grab him by the arm and guide him into a shop which you really like drop hints to him and I'm sure he will come around just take the playful gentle approach and I'm sure he will seek out something which will make you feel like a million dollars :)

[foxsquirrel]

I think you are expecting a diamond ring from him or a diamond neckless, anything with a diamond. The expensive gifts you buy him are intended to make him feel guilty and so he will buy you the diamonds you so badly wish to have. That is how I understand the whole situation, period.

He probably understood what's in your mind as well and the cheap gifts are a statement that you will not be having any diamonds any time soon. After all if it is true love all you would want is him. But you sound like calculations to me. Look at your script, look at the numbers all around. The love you say you have is fabricated, a facade, untrue, cheap like the gifts you get!

[Kaboom]

Wow, you sound like a horrible girl. I had a girl like that who DEMANDED I get her this type of purse, watch, shoes, pay for car , etc, I never was more turned off in my life. Love is not mesured by gifts, but by how someone treats you. If you want to be bought , be ready to be treated like an object. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he doesn't think gifts need to be worth X dollars to be acceptable. Some of the best gifts you can get are the cheapest. Do you love him for him, or do you love him for his money? If you love him for him, you shouldn't give a sh*t what kind of gift he gives you... as long as he felt it is a very sincere idea. If you only love him for his money and the gifts he COULD be buying, then I suggest you find a new man that's rich and bends over to tend your your every desire.

Not to sound like a douche, but f***ing suck it up. At least you have someone you love that loves you just as much. This is such a first world problem it's pathetic. Please, watch this:

https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=LsOWGG2p1FQ

(I apologize for the subtitles, but it's the best video).

[Opinion Owner]

Someone want to explain why this could be disliked? Haha I'm so confused :P

Unless it was by the QA who wanted us all to say "Wow he is an a**hole! I feel so sorry for you." haha

[Confucius16]

Some of the best gits you can get are the cheapest, but to go out of the way to get cheap gifts is stingy on the part of the boyfriend. Granted, this QA is spending too much money, but that is why she should spend less money.

[Opinion Owner]

You assume he is going out of the way to get the cheap gifts. There are so many other variables that come into play--we should not be making assumptions. It's between her and him. But I think she needs to let it go because what's she goign to say? "Hey I want better gifts." She feels entitled to have the great stuff. Maybe he grew up in a stingy household. Maybe this, maybe that. If she's going to determine her love based on quality of gifts, I'd want nothing to do with that.

[loxagos_snake]

You are a spoiled brat. Say 'I don't want to be shallow' all you want, but you ARE being shallow here. If you are a woman that only becomes happy through gifts, then you don't deserve the guy, or any guy. And if you'd rather be with a poor and generous guy, go ahead! Break him up and go find that guy.

[islands7]

Many, many "rich" get that way from being super stingy ... some of this is from starving in the old days and never wanting to return to that. Their faith in the future providing for them has been slashed with past events of either starvation, theft, traitors, deceit ... and in your case, a past love that stole more than she deserved ... played him like a fish.

You are expected to reply no, no to specifics but that's all we can guess with so little background specifics on this guy

[Erasmus]

There are several possibilities...

Your boyfriend might truly be cheap. Or, he may not place an emphasis on the cost of a gift being commensurate with his income, as you do. It may have something to do with the fact that he's dating somebody outside of his generation.

You say that you found out recently that your boyfriend is 'very wealthy.' Did that change how you felt about the cost of the gifts he's bought for you, or has this bugged you all along?

[mrshortsanddepressed]

Sometimes we men behave in a weird way. I bet he is testing your level of shallowness and also your level of forgiveness. By buying you cheap gifts he might be trying to find out how exactly you would handle the situation with him. IMO, just keep your cool and don't worry much about it. As long as he loves you, trust me, once men get confirmed that their women are 100% loyal to them. They will be so generous that will be beyond your imagination. But, yeah, just make sure you forgive him for this childish act if in case he confesses it. ;)

[ricke92m3]

Some people are just more thrifty. You said that you recently found out he is wealthy, which means that he apparently doesn't flaunt his wealth. Don't separate simply because he doesn't give expensive gifts. And when you think about it do you really need those things? You have a good job and make good money.

[ricke92m3]

Just stop f***ing him until he gives you nice gifts.

[stubbsy]

Your best bet without sounding unappreciative is to calmly say, "sorry hun, I don't think I'm going to be able to wear these, I have a personal fashion and I can't see myself wearing these, and also in idle chat, now and then express the things you like, this way he will get an idea of what you like. He still may not spend a fortune, but it should help him make more of an effort towards your gifts,x

[artfullyliving]

The money doesn't matter. Quit reconciling it in how many dollars he has or you spend. That's shallow. There's more to life than money. He may think you're not worth an expensive dress, but maybe he's right? Did you think of that? Go buy your own clothes.

[Koldhearted]

If I was ever rich I'd never reveal it or buy expensive stuff for a woman right away. First expensive gift she gets will be a wedding ring, and even that I wouldn't spend a ton on right away. I'd upgrade it years later, and have her sign a prenup too.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's just cheap. Stop spending so much on him then you'll have nothing to compare to. You can't change a cheap person, it's what they are so if you are going to stay with him take actions yourself cause obviously he's not one of those guys who shows affection through material things.

Maybe once he was that way but got burned, as a lot of guys have.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he has another girlfriend? You never know..

It doesn't make sense for him to be so stingy when you seemingly shower him with gifts.

I don't think affection should be bought, but I do agree with you that he could be a little more tactful in his gift giving if you're being so generous with him.

PS: I really hope he's not married behind your back, because in that case I'd hate to be in your shoes..

[SwissCheeze]

This question makes me shake my head.

1) You are shallow or sound like it

2) You sure are acting like a gold digger

3) You should be dating someone closer to your own age.

And it makes me wonder if he wasn't so ''Rich'' would you even still be with him? Probably not.