"Boyfriend" won't even pay for my movie ticket, it's not even about the money.

[Anonymous]

we've been dating sine around April. He's very practical with his money and smart and has a real job. He just bought a house. I'm still in school. When we went to the movies, I decided to just take charge and ask him "are you paying". He asked me back "are you paying?" I asked him back the same question. He went to pay but acted a bit weird, so I offered to give him money for myself and he took it no hesitation and said thanks. Was I wrong in this situation? I hate how I care so much about him taking care of me in that way. Its not about the money. its about..i don't know what its about.

Also, while I was text messaging in the car he asked "is that your boyfriend"? What does this mean? I laughed cause he was joking (obv I hope) What I rally should have said was "do I have a boyfriend" (hopefully meaning him). I'm a "good girl" and he knows that, so he would know I have no other "boyfriend". PLus I've never had sex yet and don't get into anything serious, besides him. Was he trying to say something?!

I don't even know what to think. I'm just upset and being stupid and emotional :( Does he even see me as his girlfriend that I give him money for myself?

Any advice?

[mghowmasculinist]

You are conflicted with reality and a feminist based double standard fantasy. In reality, you are both equal, both of you are going out and both of you should pay for the date. Throughout life, you have heard, seen or been influenced by the chivalry nonsense where the man provides and pays for the woman but then you have also seen or been influenced by the feminism saying 'independent woman' and then in the other breath 'a man should pay for our dates'.

You may not know yourself enough to know exactly where you stand, what you want Vs the double standards that society and feminism projects about a man and woman's role in dating.

I have to say, if I went on a date with a woman and she said 'are you paying?', I would have seen that as very rude and that's why you got the response that you did. Reverse the situation, what would you say and how would you feel if when you got to the date, he said to you 'are you paying?'.

I bet the date would have been over pretty quickly unless you were really blinded by something in this particular guy.

On one hand women scream for equality and independence and then they complain about a guy not paying for the date. Some of them offer to pay half and then complain when the guy accepts and some of them offer out of politeness hoping the guy will say no.

[rowlurorowf]

Sit down and have 'the talk' with him. I have to wonder what you consider 'dating.' Is it obvious to him that that's what's going on? Are you intimate with him physically? Is it just kissing? This is 6mo+ now, so you guys should already have a clear handle on the relationship. If you don't then The Talk needs to happen so you can get a clear handle on it.

Beyond defining the relationship, approach the money issue the same way you did here. He's established, he's independent, you're not - you're still in college, you don't have a decent job. Tell him you're not interested in him as a sugar daddy, but a real, potentially long-term relationship, and ask if he'd mind treating every once and a while like a chivalrous boyfriend. It's best if he learns that it's something that should be expected of him at this stage, but pointing out the economic distance is a solid point. Make sure you point out to him that it isn't necessarily about the genders, but rather the 'life-position' of each of you.

It'd be different if you were just starting to date, and it's different if you two aren't more physically intimate than just kissing.

[Anonymous]

if he's like this now he always will be he's set in his ways now there's no changing this type thing at this point...do you love him enough to just overlook this and accept it or is this a deal breaker sort of feeling it gives you?

this whole thing feels weird to me...you're dating since April(7 months) and you still aren't a couple and has he always not paid or not wanted to pay? because usually at least in the beginning they want to pay to put their best foot forward and then after awhile you guys would have settled into taking turns paying or something... he doesn't seem that serious about you or the relationship just from what you've said here and it sounds like it's starting to get to you so even the "little" things like him not wanting to pay seem like a bigger thing because you aren't getting what you need from this relationship in other areas.

just from what you're saying and the little bit of info you've given I say cut your losses on this one because the relationship doesn't seem to be progressing in a positive way and it's been plenty of time for it to imo

[SweetTeaGirl]

First of all, the fact that you are asking this on here instead of talking to him indicates that you are not as close as you want to be with someone who you are thinking of as a potential sexual partner. Other than that, he could just be unsure of his status in you relationship if you haven't opened up to him much. Asking "Is that your boyfriend?" could be a joke to try to get you to tell him that he's the only one for you. I can't explain the paying thing, I never let my boyfriend pay for anything for me. I think the best thing for you to do would be to talk to him about your relationship, ask him if it's (eek) exclusive and how he wants it to continue. Good luck!

[MaskofInsanity]

It seems like you probably just have different values.

You seemingly want a guy that will "take care of you" and play that provider role. He's more new age and is all about paying your own way. If it really bothers you, find someone who shares your traditional values.

I don't think him not paying is evidence that he doesn't have feelings for you, or doesn't take the relationship seriously. Ask him where he's at in the relationship and make sure you're on the same page.

[markacealps]

I think he is not a stable guy. He likes you but he is very careless for you. He sometimes makes you annoyed. He seems to be very childish, if you are sure he loves you really, you need to take care of him rather he takes of you. You look good, cool and caring gal and you are tolerating him a lot. I think he should understand about his responsibilities. But he is doing things wrong and in a very childish manner. Talk to him about his behavior and make him understand what you like him and what not. I think he should respect you and care about you. Apart from that one common thing he has , he is not a confident guy to put his things to you, rather he is committing mistakes. He wants to say something else but by nature says something different and irrelevant things. He needs a careful woman if you are ready to bear a child like boy friend it is good for you. But it will be a big responsibility. Mostly what happens boy friend needs to take care of his gal. Boys must be caring for gals.

[Asker]

you live o the other side of the world that's why you answer like that :(

[madhatters4]

As far as the "texting your boyfriend" thing. it's a joke. I joke with my girlfriend about that stuff too

Next... so because in one situation he didn't pay for your ticket you feel like there might be some issue? Plus he attempted to pay but you offered him money. Could he have refused the money?

sure but I hate the, in my opinion, the back and forth of who is going to pay. I offer to pay once and if she balks then that's it,.I'm not going to go back and forth "will you won't you".

If this is an issue that is ongoing then perhaps it's different and I think you just need to talk to him about it if you truly have a problem with it ...but utlimately in this situation you mentioned I think you are overanalyzing.

"Does he even seeme as his girlfriend that I give money for myself?"

yes he can see you as a girlfriend even if you pay for yourself in some situations

[Dandeus]

Reads to me like he's never offered to pay for anything since you started dating, not just this one time, right? Seems the only reason he even offered this time is because you said something?

If that's the case, you're not being weird. He shouldn't be obligated to pay your way, but at least offering to do so while you turn him down and pay your own way is polite and shows that he cares about you. If he can afford to buy a house while you're still a full time student, he should be able to afford to pick up the tab from time to time.

[myspacemybroke]

The fact that you brought up the paying probably turned him off. If I was taking a girl out, and she made it clear that she was just expecting me to cover everything for her it really wouldn't make me happy. I pretty much always would pay for her, but if she's just taking it for granted that I'm always going to spend money on her then we've got a problem.

[dirtyblondeforever]

One of the biggest problems of modern day women, are that even with all this feminist stuff going around lately, they still expect the man to pay. Every guy hopes that the woman at least offers to pay because it shows she can and is always willing. We'll most likely pay but if you don't offer, it looks terrible. So when you said "are you paying?" it made it seem like you were assuming he would. You should have said "I can pay for my ticket if you'd like me to".

[yopyopyop]

It looks to me that he's quite insecure about his position in the relationship.

If he was confident (this remark about texting shows it), he would probably be more eager to share.

Or maybe he's got burnt in an earlier relationship. Sometimes one can act weirdly on some topics (I once got turned down when giving flowers and it took me years to offer flowers again)

Or he's just really scroodgy. And that would be a bad character trait.

[JSmuve]

Hmmm...how did you ask, and what did you mean by 'are you paying?'? You may have asked it in a tone conveying entitlement. As in, because you're a woman, he has to pay for you. Like you're taking advantage of him. That selfish attitude would piss me right off. Perhaps he's been taken advantage of money-wise before.

As per the texting comment. Couldn't tell you. If he wasn't joking, then maybe you're not paying him enough attention.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's insecure.

Or maybe he's feeling used. You're a good girl, he pays, you expect him to pay, and yet you're not even clearly dating let alone physical.

He's probably been raised to expect it, but he may sometimes worry you're using him and not actually into him, or that if he weren't paying you wouldn't be there.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like money is important to you. I don't see why I have to pay for a girl because I'm a guy. It's an instant turn off for me and I would be weary about her. I would never ask a women to pay for me so I expect the same in return

[Anonymous]

It seems like its about the money for you. I guess you could either deal with it or find a sucker I mean sugar daddy.

[Anonymous]

do you not pay a prostitute and not have sex? the answer is yes :p ha ha sorry, not sorry!

[brokenmanshope]

people who ask get passed