My 'boyfriend' can't afford to take me on an actual date?

[Anonymous]

So I reconnected with this guy from high school and he's great it's just he's broke. He quit his job previously because he planned on moving to Florida before he met me, now he's staying and looking for a job so he can get his own place ( from his mom) and everything.

We'll hang out at parks, go walking, he has similar interests as me, he even made dinner for me one day. I like it all and he's really verbal about how he feels about me, he's kind, treats me well, etc. I dont want to seem ungrateful but I also don't want to always go over to his place and watch movies nor do I want to feel like I'm just a sex object or someone not worthy of doing more than just basic stuff with.

I'm considering ending the relationship.

Updates

+1 y

The point of this post is to get actual helpful advice. Let's not act like I'm the bad guy and paint him as a picture perfect guy because of this post. I just don't want to end up dating someone for their potential, what could be. I am not responsible for his happiness nor am I there to be a motivator or anything else that he should be for himself

[yucychan]

Which is really weird, because me and you seem to be the opposite.
My guy is fine to splurge on meal dates and other activities with me. However, I have mentioned to him that I am actually fine with simple or home-cooked food; I'm fine with fast food, really. I like MacDonald's or Burger King's.
I would always offer to pay or pick up the tab later. It's just my preference.
And I also do enjoy the long nature walks where we just explore and appreciate the greenery (it's free). It's the time we have together that I treasured a lot.
I really do like him very much.

But this is your life. If you really mind him not spending on you, and do not enjoy being with him, then just tell him and end the relationship. So that he can focus his affections on another girl that appreciates it.

[Asker]

As stated, we have a lot of similar interests. He is just like me in being spontaneous but it's one thing to be able to do so, offer and I decline (going out doing things) vs not doing so and I actually want to. It's the norm, so when you see other girls experiencing it or someone going all out/being able to for their girlfriend it sucks

[yucychan]

I get what you are saying. But if you are going to keep on comparing with others, you'll never be happy. I think he is also trying his best to find a job right now. But times are very bad right now.
It's really up to you to accept him for what he is.

[btbc92]

Look, if you don't like him, just end it. You are not being paid to like or stay. What you do is what you do, it's none of our business. You are an adult, you make up your mind on what you want to do. You already sound like you dislike him and lost 'attraction', so what do you really expect us to say? Some will agree with him, others may take your side. At the end, who cares? I personally don't see how this is even wrong. Now if you having premarital sex, then hey, that's your choice. He didn't pressure you, I'm sure, so you got to suck it up and deal with that choice. If you want him to do more, then as somebody else said, wait for a while to get better. If not, again, you are free to walk. But in my opinion, just walk. You two aren't compatible.

[SirBearon]

This is the problem with the new america. Women want equal rights but then there are people like this asker who say it's the "man's responsibility " to do this! Well, do you cook for him? Do you wash his clothes? Do you clean his house? Since you want to be traditional then be traditional. If not don't be a bitch, give the dude some time to get his shit in order. Matter of fact, I hope he sees you for yo utter true colors and leaves your ass. A "real date" what the fuck kind of person whines about that? At least dude tries to take you to parks and watch movies and attempted to cook for you.

[MzAsh]

I had a guy once who was in this same position. You know what he did? He said, “I know you’re an awesome chick and I want to be the man you deserve.” He did the responsible thing and worked on himself before we dated. Meanwhile, I was also working on myself. So we didn’t date until almost a year later. Dating during that time would have ruined it.

[SirBearon]

That's called communication and compromise. That's very different than what this asker suggest.

[MzAsh]

What I’m seeing from this asker is that she’s concerned about the future and his effort regarding a career. I’m not seeing where she talks about a man’s responsibility. She mentioned several things they do together which indicates he’s been out of a job for a while, at least a few weeks. He should be spending that time looking for a job. I also question why he would just quit his previous job without having one lined up in Florida already. You aren’t going to make it very well in Florida if you’re not making a decent salary, that is unless you want to flip burgers and share rent with a bunch of punk roommates. He sounds like a nice kid but directionless, which will be the killer of their relationship unless he gets his shit together soon. She should have had more sense than to get so involved with a guy who should be focusing on himself.

[SirBearon]

You don't see it cause the asker changed the wording to the update section.

[MzAsh]

Regardless, she wasn’t indicating she even wants traditional. And she shouldn’t have to give him time if she doesn’t want to. Especially if if months or more.

[SirBearon]

By mentioning it's a man's responsiblity to take her out on dates and pay for things definitely suggest a traditional type of thought process. No woman wants a broke man forever but at least dude tries to make her happy. He could just be broke, smoke weed all day, drink all day and be lazy.

[MzAsh]

If she were trad, she wouldn’t even think about spending time with him until he’s making at least 100k.

[MzAsh]

Because trad women want to be “taken care of” and protected and provided for. Not to be confused with gold diggers who just want materialistic benefits.

[triff]

I think that is precisely why woman want equal rights and not a chain to household chores She is not asking for the earth She wants to feel like his woman For him to make the effort to go see her Let her feel important and not make this all one sided My father used to cycle miles to go to visit his girlfriend who blessed as I was bece my mum

[MzAsh]

I had an ex that before he had a car, rode his bicycle 10 miles in the country just to visit me for a couple of hours. That’s the kind of effort we love to see.

[triff]

I don't see you as the bad guy I think your right to wonder about the future Does he not have any unemployment allowance He seems to have big plans but nothing to back them up I'm presuming your paying for everything and I agree it does seem to e on his terms Follow your head and not your heart Happy to go more in-depth if you require

[Asker]

Thank you for taking the time to understand me

[triff]

You deserve to be heard

[triff]

Are you able to see things any clearer

[Asker]

Yeah I actually thought about a lot with him. Can I private message you another question regarding him and I, to get your opinion?

[triff]

Of course you can

[Asker]

The site won't let me message you, it says "this user only allows private messages from follwings"

[triff]

Oh I didn't set it like that I have kik svorpio

[triff]

My kik is svorpio4 if that's ok I have tried to message you but got the same reply You could email me on Markscamell@gmail. com

[Asker]

Okay

[Asker]

I sent you a message on kik

[Truthatanycost]

End it. You are holding him back. Instead of him wasting his time, money and energy on you (or any other girl), he should be focusing purely on his purpose, getting his own place, transport and finances. This is why you don't date until you have your life sorted. he really should know better. Maybe remind him of that.

[Asker]

How am I holding him back? It's not my job to remind him to get his life together

[Anonymous]

My girl has been with me throughout the struggles of barely being able to afford food, and she's with me today owning multiple properties and look at work as an option. I had to sleep in my truck for a week before my semester started at college trying to save money. She motivated me when my investments failed and I had to start from square one. She helped me out financially when I couldn't afford rent. She always brought me up, and without her- I can't say I'd be where I'm at today. If you're not loyal to him at his lowest, then you don't deserve him at his best. You're 18-24. Most of us are broke at that age. If you're not down for him, then just leave in my opinion.

[Asker]

Your situation is rare. Women are misled into putting their all into men that have nothing yet men wouldn't even do the same for a woman. There have been countless stories where I've heard of women doing for men what your significant other has done for you and the men leave them when they reach their peak

[Opinion Owner]

The point is that your dating prospects are based upon shallow expectations rather than chemistry and connection. If I went bankrupt next week, I know she'd be there again- and that's an extremely comforting feeling. I'd never marry a woman who hasn't shown her loyalty towards me. Physical appearance is what attracts us men. What keeps us is when a woman showcases loyalty and commitment through thick and thin. That's what makes a woman marriage material.

You're looking at monogamy from a business perspective, which I'm not going to fault you on. Having said that, relationships and emotion is fluid, and it doesn't make sense to look at this from such a narrow lens.

You're going to be extremely unsatisfied in marriage if you're you married a man for status and money. I thought money would make my life perfect at your age. There's a concept of never feeling satisfied that's within human nature. A sense of normalcy sets in the status, and then you'll feel unsatisfied again.

It's temporary. I went from a Toyota Corolla to a Mercedes CLA, and then a couple months later it meant nothing. Then I sold the Mercedes and got the BMW M5. A couple months later- same thing. Now I got a truck, but the next step I want to take is to go all out and buy a Lamborghini Hurucan before I turn 30. When I get to that next tier, I'm going to enjoy it even more because I'm no longer reliant upon the status to feel fulfilled.

Want to hear the truth? It will never be enough. You need a consistency outside of materialism because materialism is a never ending game that you'll never win until you come to the same epiphany I've had.

[Opinion Owner]

Relationships with friends, family, and romantic relationships offer you a lot more value in your overall life's happiness. You may not believe it, and it's kind of just something you got to do yourself to believe. Also, coming up together and experiencing that transition into success together creates a really meaningful bond.

Yeah, your man isn't accomplished right now- but ask the question of where is mindset is. What will he become? Where do you see him going and how can you help him get there? If he's unmotivated, lazy, and pessimistic- then I'd suggest you leave. Is he reading books everyday trying to better himself working on self-development? If so, keep him. He'll make it. Does he make you laugh and feel good? Does he have your back? Those are of way more importance than his current networth or job.

I also sense you fear of being left after putting in work into a relationship. Has that happened to you before? Ask yourself... where does that stem from? Is it a personal insecurity? If so, work on it and try to get his assistance with him.

If you're seeking a man with status and money, then I'd say you're searching for the wrong traits. It's up to you, but I figured I'd try and give you some talking points to think about. Not going to chastise you or go full MGTOW lol. Best of luck to you.

[Asker]

No, I haven't ever experienced being left but I'm speaking on other womens experiences because they lowered their standards and accepted less from a man than they should have. Girls have been raised to go for guys that have things going for themselves in my family. Those same guys are raised to look for girls just the same.

[Opinion Owner]

Sure, biology and natural selection always comes into play. The most successful people will always tell you that the easiest way to gauge an individual is through mindset and value though. Materialism is an added plus that's best enjoyed together with loved ones. It's secondary though. If you mismatch the priority list, you're going to spend a lot of years feeling dissatisfied. I also wouldn't base the trajectory of your life on your families decisions or anyone else. Take advice, but ultimately do what you want. If you're genuinely just not very down for this dude- then there's nothing wrong with leaving. But don't leave because your peers are have their own personal expectations. People come and go in your life, so you need to make decisions that personally make you happy. I'd also suggest that you don't make decisions out of fear. Fear necessitates for decision making, and benefits greatly if utilized correctly. Having said that, it serves as a massive disadvantage when you let it hold you back from opportunity and potential. Just think about what you really want. Throw the materialism out the door along with the judgement of others.

[Astarlessnightsky]

What the fuck is an "actual date"?

Spending time together is enough to count as an actual date, which you two did.

If you want to go the movies or else, any kind of different activity, why don't you invite him? If you know that he is going to move.

[KrakenAttackin]

She wants money.

[Asker]

He's not moving anymore and that is a guys responsibility in the beginning. Did you read everything to actually get what I was saying Or?

[Derekk]

It's not a "guy's responsibility" to plan dates. This isn't a Disney movie or the 1950s. You either need to date a guy you actually have feelings for, or you need to grow up. Probably both.

[Astarlessnightsky]

@asker

yes i read it and i read it again, and i must admit that i misread the "no longer moving part".

But this doesn't change my answer in the slightest.

What is an "actual date?"

To me it is just spending time together. And if you want to do something else, invite him espacially when you know he is broke and still looking for a job.

Or you two just don't fit together, if this is the point where you disagree so much already.

[mattmanyah2]

Dates are figment of people's imagination... It's spending time together it doesn't have to cost money... When I'm hurting for money what I like to do is take them to landmarks in the area (I live in fort Worth Texas so we have the stockyards we have Rivers we have little bitty waterfalls I'm friends with horses) it's all you got to do is take pictures the woman while they do whatever the landmarks suggest.

[YHL6965]

Do you actually want to break up over that? Do you think every day life as a couple is filled with dates? How about YOU organize dates for a change instead of laying back and basically pointing fingers at him for being broke? I honestly don't get a good vibe off of everything that you just said.

[KrakenAttackin]

She wants dates she can post on Instagram and a walk in the park doesn't cut it.

[Asker]

Doesn't have to be dates everyday. I literally explained everything clear as day and replied with even more information in the comments

[YHL6965]

I never mentioned dates everyday. All I'm saying is that, as a relationship gets older, dates get more infrequent and, therefore, have a lesser impact on the relationship since they are not a central thing anymore. They are not the backbone of a relationship, they are not that important compared to other factors.

[Asker]

never said you said that. That was in reply to the "do you think everyday life as a couple is filled with dates?"

[YHL6965]

Oh, I see. My point is, eventually, relationships get "calmer", less "intense", more routine-like and so dates get more and more in the background as more important things get your focus. That's why I don't think it's a wise idea to take dates as a reference point.

[mortmccain]

I suggest if you have to call him 'boyfriend' instead of boyfriend and it bothers you that he does his best even though he's poor or broke, breakup with him.
It's better for both of you.
If it bothers you, you don't love him enough.

[Asker]

I haven't been with him long enough to love him

[mortmccain]

It's alright. If you think him being broke is something you don't want to deal with, breakup immediately so you wouldn't feel unsatisfied all the time and he wouldn't get attached to you.

But

If you think his behavior and the the good times you spend with him can help you deal with that, stay with him and help him become more financially stable.
Motivate and encourage him.
You won't believe how easy it is for a man to get motivated if a loved one helps them.

[rachel776]

give him like another month and see what happens. don't put any pressure on him, just see what he does on his own

[Derekk]

Based on this post and your comments, you seem to have a very naive and warped view about what men want, and about what women and men should expect in a relationship. My advice is to leave him until he can get a job and you can grow up a bit.

[jmf909]

Stick with a man when he is down and when he has money you be his queen but give it 6mth intervals and make sure he is advancing towards getting what he wants not just talking about it

[Asker]

From what I've heard, when women lower their standards for men like that, they end up getting treated like shit and left when the guy does make money

[jmf909]

Can be true I guess depends on the guy but if your not happy get out of relationship and he would be able to take you on real dates and treat like your the only girl in the world so demand it or tell him to go if he has my got a job or a hustle going yet then he probably will never losing you may motivate him to change

[jmf909]

Your right move on and get treated like you should on ten yrarsvyou can pick this dud up where you left him

[Liam_Hayden]

End it. Even though you don't want to seem ungrateful, the truth is you are. If the guy was not trying that would be one thing, but he is trying to find work and literally stayed because of you.

[Wise4myage]

In my opinion, If I couldn't afford to take a girl out on a date, then I shouldn't be dating in the first place.

[Heiniken]

I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she ain't messing with no broke...

[MzAsh]

You can’t be a gold digger if you’re dating a bum

[AmeerX]

What? Noooo, that is a terrible thing to do. Support him through this time.
He is your man and through thick and thin you two should be together

[Drumlin2001]

So why dont you pay for something more interesting?

[Anonymous]

well go find a real man who can spend money on you so you'll feel obligated to provide sex then

[MzAsh]

How long has he been out of a job?

[Virgo31]

Why don’t YOU pay? Are you broke too?

[asshole_]

Then you have to wonder if you're a gold digger

[KrakenAttackin]

Classic female.

[Asker]

Classic male, expecting women to take men at their lowest

[KrakenAttackin]

Funny that "lowest' to a woman is centered around money.

[Asker]

No, the lowest is centered around someone barely having any accomplishments

[KrakenAttackin]

So why are/were you interested in him in the first place?

[KingJared24]

Lol 😂