Why "you ruin our friendship" is a selfish thing to say

[Anonymous]

So I'm going to be brief about this one.

How is it a selfish thing to tell a guy/girl that they're ruining friendship for wanting more?

Simple: Anyone saying that are people who are actually in a friendship where the other person likes them already as more than a friend and is always there for them, always trying to please them and make them happy - in brief, be their bf/gf.

As a result, the receiver is getting all his/her emotional needs satisfied without having to give back/return the favour. Saying "you are ruining our friendship for wanting more" is basically saying "I am getting more than friendship from you, but I don't want to give you that. I like you acting as my bf/gf without having any relationship responsibilities coming with it."

[SydneyLana]

I have been telling a male friend of mine the same thing for years and the truth is I truly value our friendship, but he is also too young for me, I know it's not gonna end well so why get it started.

He and I can talk for hours on the phone and exchange advice on our relationship matters. He is my best male friend and I don't want to lose him as a friend. We rarely meet in person only talk on the phone occasionally, but we support each other emotionally for years.

I guess it depends on the friendship level you are having with him atm but, if the person says it, it's very likely that he or she does not want to have a relationship with you and the friendship card is just a polite excuse. Hope it helps!

[meatballs21]

You've got it wrong.

It's not: 'you are ruining the friendship because you want it to be more than friendship', it's: 'I am worried that if we try something more and it doesn't work out, the break-up will be messy and we won't be friends any more'.

[kambo_trick3y]

Jesus. This has to be the most pussy post I have EVER seen.

Who is this Shelley? The name is in blue so I'm going to assume it's a guy, but with a feminine name.

Here's a tip, friends? ACTUAL friends? They pay for each other in equivalence, they help each other out.

If you're stupid enough to constantly be throwing stacks at a girl without seeing any kind of equivalent exchange after ALL this time, then that's your own fucking fault for being so desperate and following the crumb trail for so fucking long like some thirsty lapdog.

Whoever this Shelley is, they are a complete pussy and a pathetic excuse for a man.

[Marygurlxxx]

Wow, this is probably coming from a guy who just got rejected I'm assuming?
Christ dude. People value friendship SO much. I've dated people just to break up with them and we couldn't be friends again-friendship isn't the "step below" dating someone. If you honestly don't value your friendship with girls to the point you think it's selfish of them to say this, then you really aren't a nice guy. And it's not a girls fault if you spend money on her. Jesus. Not all girls take guys for granted and want their money, as a matter of fact, very few do. Hell most girls who say this don't even want your money or your time or whatever your advances are. If you get rejected don't put it on the girl for giving you a 1.) very meaningful response or 2.) the nice way of saying no thank you, which is all that this is. A girl is never a bad guy for saying no to dating someone. Period.

[Frost_Byt3]

You know what else? Its not like you are going to salvage the friendship if you turn a guy down. Because the friendship already ended anyway as soon as he confessed his feelings for you.

So if the friendship was already doomed anyway, then why wouldn't you try to make a relationship out of it (unless of course you just aren't into him at all).

So in other words, its either relationship or nothing when a guy confesses his feelings for you. When a girl says "i can't, because i don't want to ruin our friendship" she isn't choosing the friendship, she is choosing nothing. And the only time a girl would choose nothing rather than a relationship is when she is not into the guy at all.

So basically guys, "i don't want to ruin the friendship" does not mean "i don't want to ruin the friendship"; it means that she is not into you. End of story.

[InconspicuousBox]

That's not true. My best guy friend asked me out two years ago. We're still as close as we were before. He comes to me for advice about other girls and we're there for each other. It was a little awkward at first and I felt guilty for a while, but now we're still friends and closer than ever. Rejection is not the equivalent of the friendship ending.

[Frost_Byt3]

@InconspicuousBox trust me... on his end, the friendship is over. I guarentee you that he is hurting like crazy right now. And he is so blinded by love that is willing to take what he can get just so he doesn't have to lose you.

Sorry to break it to you.

[Marygurlxxx]

That's ridiculous. You are generalizing so hard right now that you're going to speak for this guy with his girl best friend? I have a guy best friend who I dated for a month and we went back to being friends. For 3 years. At the time, yes, it's no longer a friendship if you have a crush on one of your friends and ask you out. But feelings can go away and you can be friends. I'm great friends with one of my exes.

[InconspicuousBox]

He is not "blinded by love". He did this magical thing called "move on", something you've clearly never heard of. After he asked me out, we talked and it was made clear that it was never going to happen between us. I mean yeah I'm sure he was disappointed and a little hurt for awhile, but I wanted him to move on and be happy with someone else, and he did move on. He's had crushes on two other girls since then, and I'm still the friend he goes to for advice about them. We still hang out and talk and nothing had changed. He is one of the two people I trust, and despite his low tolerance for people, he enjoys my company. We are just friends, close friends. He is not still pining after me.

[existing_not_living]

It could honestly go either way with this. I have said this before and I truly meant it. I did want to go out with a guy friend of mine, but due to my fear of losing him I declined his offer and instead opted to remain friends. I liked him a lot, but I wasn't ready to give up a friendship that meant the world to me.

Of course, that is not always the case. Some people do say that just because they don't want to hurt the other person. I don't think it necessarily means "I like you acting as my bf/gf without having any relationship responsibilities coming with it." Opposite sex friendships are tricky to maintain. Sometimes people don't really know what the heck is going on and don't know how to respond when one says that to the other.

There are plenty of people who probably do use the excuse to keep their friend right where they want them. It's a cop-out excuse, but it's not always a selfish one.

[kitty71]

But you dont think in that case instead of assuming things are well understood if they communicate wth one another?

[existing_not_living]

Sorry, but could you explain that again? I'm not sure what you mean.

*Disclaimer: I'm not trying to be rude or sassy, but I honestly am a little confused.* @kitty71

[Anonymous]

You do make some interesting points. I guess there could be innocent situations where the person genuinely doesn't know.

But to have backup boyfriends is selfish yes. Especially if that person tries to deny the other from dating someone else!

Could you check out mine pls? It is about such a problem: www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1623417-why-do-i-suddenly-feel-sexual-desire-for-this-friend-why-is-she

[godfatherfan]

LOL.. it is a bunch or horseshit.
men and women are not friends
we can be friendly, that is it
but women love to have this fantasy that they have men that just are friends.
men stay friendly with women because they want to stay on their radar.
hope one day, if both end up single, boom there is sex or a relationship.

[Mesonfielde]

That just means you aren't in good terms with enough females whom you could consider a friend. Talking to someone and hanging out and eating pho and stuff doesn't obligate anyone to bone each other.

[godfatherfan]

If I am not dating them there is no reason to stay in touch. Men and women cannot be just friends. They are different beings. So while I have done a lot of dating since my divorce, and many I left on good terms regardless of who ended it, there is zero reason to stay in touch with any of them. If I am dating a woman, she has zero , ZERO, reason to ever be out with a straight guy without me being there. Just as I would never be out with a straight woman without her being there.

[Kalibie]

Yeah no, I have more guy friends then girls, and OK, maybe some of them like me, but there are guys who aren't into Asians and are married so that'd just be impossible, or sometimes you see a guy who's best friends with a really ugly girl.

There is no reason why girls and guys can't be friends, we drink, have cook offs, go see strippers, fix cars together, play video games, make cock tails... there's nothing guys can enjoy that I can't. And certainly I have male friends who enjoy seeing art expos with me.

[Mesonfielde]

That term means "I like you as a person, but I wouldn't want to date you and live my life with you, and I don't want to have sex with you because I am not attracted to you / infatuated with you".

I really do think the phrasing is bullshit, though.

www.theonion.com/.../

[Anonymous]

I don't know what kind of girl you hang out with if she expects you to pay for her. I don't expect my boyfriends to pay for me let alone a friend. Also, a lot of people don't want to ruin the friendship. A lot of the time when you break up with someone, you don't talk to them again. So it makes me wonder if you actually value the girl as a person, or even your friendship. Do you only care about getting in her pants?

[JSmuve]

The key is to not put yourself in that position in the first place. Don't give her girlfriend privileges if she's not your girlfriend.

[Mesonfielde]

True. That just means you are obsessive.

[TheEroticJester]

As a guy I do this a lot to girls who I think are great emotional fits but simply not attractive enough for me.

Because of this I'm also aware the moment a girl tries to pull this on me: I generally dip if the girl starts opening up to me too much or she starts telling me about her problems.

It's wrong and fked up but its how the world works. Been done to me too ofc, just work harder, be better looking and win the game that is life.

[QuestionMan]

I disagree. Relationships tend to be temporary these days and saying that you don't want to ruin a friendship shows that you want to keep this person around.

[angelling]

Some people say that because they really do value the friendship and wouldn't want a bad breakup to then affect the friendship afterwards. Some people are just content being friends and don't actually want anything more than that.

[9mfeo]

I totally disagree. It's something people say when they *don't* have romantic feelings for someone.

[Mesonfielde]

Then they should just say that instead of claiming they would be ruining anything.

[9mfeo]

@Mesonfielde darling, I agree, but not everyone is as self-assured as I am.

[Bards]

What does your wallet have to do with not being into you?

Damnit Shelley.

[dudeman]

I agree. friends with the opposite sex is a tricky thing

[Mesonfielde]

Only if you make it tricky

[jacquesvol]

I heard that answer many times. :-P

[BookNerd20]

Guys do that to not just girls...