My Feelings On Love

A few days ago I asked a question about what people's opinions of love were. The answers I got were pretty interesting and somewhat diverse. You can view the question here 👇👇

In Your Opinion, What Is Love?

I purposely didn't include my own opinion and interpretation because I knew I'd be writing a novel lol. The goal of this Take is just to give guys a little insight on my feelings on love. Pull up a chair, let's talk. (WARNING: It's kind of long)

My Feelings On Love

So let me just begin by saying that I understand love in the biblical sense. I know that it's one of the major components when it comes to being Christian. I'm well aware of that. And of course I know what it means and how it feels to love family because I love mine very much. But outside of that? Between two people? I'm not sure if I believe in THAT love. And it's not that I don't want to. I used to want the fairytale love with the happily ever after. That was cut short though. Now I just feel like the meaning of love has been tarnished and tainted. Hopefully you'll see why.

At an early age I experienced something that I shouldn't have and that kind of set the standard for how I would interact with males later on in my life. I also didn't have your typical relationship with my Dad. Well he's technically my stepdad, but he's been in my life since I was 2 years old. He's the only dad that matters to me. My dad was more of an unemotional tyrant most of the time. He didn't show much affection. Part of me blamed him for what happened even though he knows nothing about it. I just feel like he didn't protect me.

I pretty much stopped trusting males altogether by the age of 13. Being bullied by them everyday of my middle school years, and then having the same bullies want to touch me inappropriately when no one else was around was a big part of that. So was the fact that any crush I ever had always ended up in some type of humiliation. I jumped at the chance to go to an all girls school.

I met my first boyfriend when I was 15. His sister went to my school. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone and computer getting to know each other. He finally asked me out 8 months after we met. Thing we're awesome in the beginning. I thought for sure I had found my happily ever after (I was 16 lol). He even dropped the L word first. We didn't see much of each other because I technically wasn't supposed to be dating, but we talked on the phone everyday. After my 17th birthday things started to fizzle. My mom finally allowed me to invite him over and I thought that would fix things. I had my first kiss that day. Also had my first makeout session. He was clearly ready to go all the way. I was not. Not even close. He got mad about that and ended up leaving early. Our relationship took a nosedive after that. A few weeks after our visit, he broke up with me via text message. After 14 months. No explanation. I was heartbroken. I later found out that he was cheating on me with a girl from his neighborhood.

Boyfriend number 2 also doubled as my best friend. I met him around the same time I met my first boyfriend. I never looked at him romantically until after I got dumped. He was there for me and helped me get through. Then one day he admitted that he had feelings for me. And I realized that I had feelings for him too. So we started dating and everything was good. He dropped the L word first too. Then he disappeared for 2 weeks. No calls, no texts, no nothing. I was pretty much over it when he finally called me. He said he was locked up but I didn't believe him. We argued and that was that. Fast forward a few months. MySpace was popular during this time. I started noticing that this one girl would leave comments on his page everyday. And then I noticed that my comments were disappearing. So I randomly went to her page one day and what do you know? There was a picture of my so called boyfriend and her kissing. Talk about a slap in the face. I immediately called him on it and he admitted that he was dating her. Apparently I had dumped him after his disappearing act. Unbeknownst to me. So needless to say I told him where he could shove it and left it alone. Few months later he came back and apologized and said he was done with her. Me being my naive 18yr old self, I believed him and took him back. Only for him to cheat with her again. This went on for months. He'd keep lying and I'd keep believing it. Until she got pregnant. That was my breaking point. I ended things for good.

I was 20 and single and extremely bitter. I also was in college at this point. I was hesitant to even talk to any guys there. I eventually made a few guy friends and allowed myself to get close to one. Let's call him LJ. One of my roommates introduced me to him. She was interested in him but she was dating his roommate. At first things were strictly platonic. LJ would talk to me about her and I would talk about my ex. Then we went on an overnight ski trip with the school and we got close. I started to have feelings for him but I felt bad. Even though my roommate was now involved with another guy at school and had someone back home, she still liked LJ too. And by the end of the trip, THEY were dating. So I distanced myself. He caught wind of what I was doing and said that he was hurt by it. So we continued to be friends and I put my feelings aside even though they continued to grow. I realize now that I should've just kept my distance. Things started getting tricky. I became involved in this huge love...I can't even call it a triangle. More like an octagon lol. My roommate and I stopped being friends. Apparently (according to him) LJ and her broke up because she kissed another guy. He admitted to having feelings for me from the beginning and wishing he had told me. One night we got really drunk and I ended up losing my virginity to him. I wasn't ready and I regretted it instantly. Even more so when I found out that they WEREN'T broken up. That cut me deep because I had fallen for him. Hard. These feelings were much deeper than anything I had ever felt. I stopped talking to him and we lost touch when I left school.

So as you can see by now, my track record with guys is pretty shitty. I haven't been involved with anyone since I was 20. I have a hard time trusting. And not just because of my own experiences. I watched my sister get abused by men that claimed to love her. Physically, emotionally and mentally. She's one of the kindest people I know and it hurt mw.to see her keep getting hurt like that. I also watched my parents marriage fall apart. My dad cheated on my mom when I was in high school. She took him back but they never talked about it. They just continued to grow apart. They eventually started sleeping in separate rooms and they stopped speaking to each altogether. Imagine living with that. I moved out and moved back home a few times and the tension was unbearable. They finally for divorced 3 years ago. After 22 years together, 19 of them spent married. It hit me hard to see my dad moving out of our house. Knowing how in love my parents used to be. It added to the already bad taste in my mouth.

I believe that people treat love as a convenience. Love never did anything but leave me broken. I want to believe that one day I'll find someone that connects to my soul. I want to believe that one day I'll find a love so deep that we get lost in each other. I want to pick out wedding dresses. I want to hold my husband's hand while we hear our baby's heartbeat. I want to sit on the porch, old and gray watching our grandchildren. I want all of that. But sadly, I just don't see it. And what's more is that I'm afraid to let myself get caught up in that dream.

I'm sorry that it's so long, I just started writing and didn't stop until now. I'm not knocking anyone's views on love. We're all different. I welcome different opinions. I just wanted to let you guys inside of my mind for a little. Thanks for reading! 😊

As always, stay classy GaGers! See you guys on the threads! 😎 ✌ ❤

My Feelings On Love
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Most Helpful Girl

  • NatashaJ

    I understand you I only dealt with 3 jerks so far in my 17 years of life but I think I know why we keep finding assholes. I always went for the nice guy the guy who never act like a prick for no reason. But I grew older I'm mature a lot since my sister death and I realize one thing. People are two face in love in anything girls and guys are two face as fuck. The problem is we keep trusting too much in people and get hurt when they let us down the problem is knowing if someone two face. But I'm starting to believe your gut will know about someone right away. I remember when I was in my relationship (3 years) and it was the around the time me and ex were a year together. For some reason I kept getting a gut feeling that me and him would break up because he will leave me for a other girl I thought I was being stupid thinking this so I push that feeling side. But Fast forward and we broke up because he was falling for a other girl (they were emotional cheating) and left me for her. Maybe now people need to trust their guts more often about guys, girls, anyone always trust your gut.

    Is this still revelant?
    • I agree. That's one thing I struggle with. I tend to ignore the feelings in my gut and warning signs because I don't want to believe that anything is wrong. And that's where I make my mistake.

      I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I just lost one of mine back in February so I know how you feel. Thanks for reading and sharing your story. I wish you well. Stay strong.

    • NatashaJ

      You stay strong too :) I bet there good guys out there feeling the same way we feel right now and we will find them.

    • Indeed. Keep hope alive.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Mistnigqa808

    After reading this, I can see why people have trust issues+ I don't blame you for having the mindset that you do now on #Love

    Also, this is why I take pride in being "1 of the last good MEN left on this earth" aka a #StandUpGuy. Since you won't hear my name mixed in with none of this type of #BS >_<. Mainly because I wouldn't want to be #thugged like that by ___. i1127.photobucket.com/.../ezgif.com-add-text.gif</a>

    Is this still revelant?
    • Thanks for reading hubs! And I hope that you continue to be that way too. There are far too few good guys out there.

    • LOL OH I KNOW... I'M FUCKING FRIENDS WITH THEM >_< LOLOL #TheyHellaSkan

      I might have no shame, but I do have a #code at least. Them on the other hand, have none #CheatingForDays like goddamn!!!

    • Right smh. I'll never respect a cheater.

What Girls & Guys Said

60
  • Kalibie

    I don't believe in one true love, but I believe that there is 3% of the population you can not only date, but have a good relationship with, whatever choices you make in life could lead you to some or none of them.
    After all love is a bond, you get infatuated if you are biochemically compatible, and if you are compatible personality wise then you can develope a bond after the infatuation wears off.

    One thing I think you might be having is that your part is effecting your behavior and attracting bad men.

    Let me tell you a story. My friend had an abusive father. which led to her having trouble getting angry and crying (never since something like 9) and being overly submissive and a push over. Her current boyfriend is a calm nice guy, but even now she reacts to him like he is abusive and will do anything to avoid confrontation.
    But before him, from age 16 to 23 she went through a string of abusive and rapey partners, she told me she can't remember how many times anymore.
    I had the same past except I am still young and got together with a decent guy, but she told me "careful, cause certain people can sense the victim in you and being used to it, you won't realize what's wrong until forces forces his dick in your ass threatening if you love me you'll pretend you like it!"

    It may not be the same exact situation, but perhaps you could see what I'm saying?

    • I can definitely see what your saying. And I agree with your friend about people being able to sense the victim. I've noticed that looking back on my past and interactions with guys. I admit that I feel like there's a missing piece. The love I seldom got from my dad. The innocence that was snatched away at an early age. The just wanting one guy to be able to fill that void. I didn't know it then but I know now that I was exuding that want. It was radiating off of me. It still is. That's why I attract the guys that I attract.

    • Kalibie

      It's sad but, until you fill the void in yourself this hole will probably keep attracting such people, whether friends or partners.
      I had always realized this side of me, so I had a mental check list to determine if a guy is too controlling, most children from abuse or other wounds in the soul don't realize this, I was only lucky because I'd gotten into psychology due to my ADD as a kid and recognized myself in some behaviors of victims like disassociation and such.

    • Yeah its a work in progress.

    • Show All
  • Queen_naki5

    You sound like you have a good heart and so much love to offer to a good man one day. I know that you will find someone. If you're Christian and believe in God. He is in the making of finding you a good husband and you'll have all of that. A family and a person to grow old with. This isn't the end, it's just the beginning. After reading this, I got chills.

    • I am a Christian and very much believe in God. I do my best to try to hold onto what's left of my hope. My sister just got married to a wonderful guy which restored a bit of it.

      I thank you for taking the time to read this and I appreciate your kind words as well!

    • And you're gonna be next! God is finding Mr. Right 😀😀. No thank you.

    • Thank you!

  • HookingSwan

    I can see why u are afraid of loving a guy again.

    I would b too if I had gone through the experiences that u have.

    I trust my cureent boyfriend so much. I would b heartbroken if I found out he isn't the person I think he is.

    • Thank you for reading and understanding. I do sometimes wish that I didn't feel like that. But yeah, I wouldn't wish any of that on anyone.

    • Hope u meet the right guy soon.

      U deserve that.

      Wishing u the best here ❤️

    • Thank you so muchhh. I really appreciate it. ❤

  • xHoneyxBeex

    You are so strong, Char. You've had to deal with way too much shit from people but you are still an amazing person with a beautiful soul. We've already talked about these things some but I still wanted to leave a comment. Lol :P

    You have every right to believe this way about love due to your past but I'm still certain that you WILL meet the right person someday. There are good guys out there still, despite all the bad apples you may have gotten. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you in your childhood, teen, or adult years and it makes me sad that you had to experience some of those things. However, love doesn't only exist in fairytales. It's real, and I know you'll find it someday.

    • Thank you for the kind words Honey. You know I appreciate them and you. And our talks. I do believe that their are good guys out there. One of my good friends just got married to one. My sister is getting married to another. I try to believe that one day I'll be marrying one, but I can admit that my doubts are high. And I also can admit that I'm scared that if and when he does come, I'm so screwed up that I'm going to run him off.

    • I understand your concerns. You are NOT "screwed up" though. You've just had to deal with a lot of tough situations. It's okay to be scared though but when you meet the right person, I think those doubts and that fear will go away :)

    • Lol I need to borrow some of your positive thinking.

    • Show All
  • nert73

    I understand all too well. I haven't experienced nearly as much but I have experienced enough that I understand your problems and pains. I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart and I hope God grants you your wish. You're a very sweet person and I can only tell you how much I wish I could help. All I have to say past that is... well... just keep your mind set. Don't settle. You've stumbled enough so it's time to walk with confidence. Trust that God will guide you and that all of your troubles have been to prepare you for the right man. He will come. 😃

    • You're a wise one kid. Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean more than you know. I'm at a place where I refuse to settle.

    • nert73

      Settling is where discomfort arises. Settling never works. I'm glad you know you're not going to settle. It really does make me happy to know that. I wish you good luck

    • Thank you so much again. God bless you.

    • Show All
  • Dontjudgejustlove123

    I love when people talk honestly. You are SO strong! If I had to deal with all of that I would go crazy but you dealt with it and focused on what you really need. I can't believe you have been through so much when other dont consider your feelings. You will always be a favorite in my heart <3 I love you for being a strong, powerful and beautiful women. And you will find the right person to spend your life with you may not feel so loved at times but there is a future husband out there waiting for you to bump into.

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