A few days ago I asked a question about what people's opinions of love were. The answers I got were pretty interesting and somewhat diverse. You can view the question here 👇👇
In Your Opinion, What Is Love?
I purposely didn't include my own opinion and interpretation because I knew I'd be writing a novel lol. The goal of this Take is just to give guys a little insight on my feelings on love. Pull up a chair, let's talk. (WARNING: It's kind of long)
So let me just begin by saying that I understand love in the biblical sense. I know that it's one of the major components when it comes to being Christian. I'm well aware of that. And of course I know what it means and how it feels to love family because I love mine very much. But outside of that? Between two people? I'm not sure if I believe in THAT love. And it's not that I don't want to. I used to want the fairytale love with the happily ever after. That was cut short though. Now I just feel like the meaning of love has been tarnished and tainted. Hopefully you'll see why.
At an early age I experienced something that I shouldn't have and that kind of set the standard for how I would interact with males later on in my life. I also didn't have your typical relationship with my Dad. Well he's technically my stepdad, but he's been in my life since I was 2 years old. He's the only dad that matters to me. My dad was more of an unemotional tyrant most of the time. He didn't show much affection. Part of me blamed him for what happened even though he knows nothing about it. I just feel like he didn't protect me.
I pretty much stopped trusting males altogether by the age of 13. Being bullied by them everyday of my middle school years, and then having the same bullies want to touch me inappropriately when no one else was around was a big part of that. So was the fact that any crush I ever had always ended up in some type of humiliation. I jumped at the chance to go to an all girls school.
I met my first boyfriend when I was 15. His sister went to my school. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone and computer getting to know each other. He finally asked me out 8 months after we met. Thing we're awesome in the beginning. I thought for sure I had found my happily ever after (I was 16 lol). He even dropped the L word first. We didn't see much of each other because I technically wasn't supposed to be dating, but we talked on the phone everyday. After my 17th birthday things started to fizzle. My mom finally allowed me to invite him over and I thought that would fix things. I had my first kiss that day. Also had my first makeout session. He was clearly ready to go all the way. I was not. Not even close. He got mad about that and ended up leaving early. Our relationship took a nosedive after that. A few weeks after our visit, he broke up with me via text message. After 14 months. No explanation. I was heartbroken. I later found out that he was cheating on me with a girl from his neighborhood.
Boyfriend number 2 also doubled as my best friend. I met him around the same time I met my first boyfriend. I never looked at him romantically until after I got dumped. He was there for me and helped me get through. Then one day he admitted that he had feelings for me. And I realized that I had feelings for him too. So we started dating and everything was good. He dropped the L word first too. Then he disappeared for 2 weeks. No calls, no texts, no nothing. I was pretty much over it when he finally called me. He said he was locked up but I didn't believe him. We argued and that was that. Fast forward a few months. MySpace was popular during this time. I started noticing that this one girl would leave comments on his page everyday. And then I noticed that my comments were disappearing. So I randomly went to her page one day and what do you know? There was a picture of my so called boyfriend and her kissing. Talk about a slap in the face. I immediately called him on it and he admitted that he was dating her. Apparently I had dumped him after his disappearing act. Unbeknownst to me. So needless to say I told him where he could shove it and left it alone. Few months later he came back and apologized and said he was done with her. Me being my naive 18yr old self, I believed him and took him back. Only for him to cheat with her again. This went on for months. He'd keep lying and I'd keep believing it. Until she got pregnant. That was my breaking point. I ended things for good.
I was 20 and single and extremely bitter. I also was in college at this point. I was hesitant to even talk to any guys there. I eventually made a few guy friends and allowed myself to get close to one. Let's call him LJ. One of my roommates introduced me to him. She was interested in him but she was dating his roommate. At first things were strictly platonic. LJ would talk to me about her and I would talk about my ex. Then we went on an overnight ski trip with the school and we got close. I started to have feelings for him but I felt bad. Even though my roommate was now involved with another guy at school and had someone back home, she still liked LJ too. And by the end of the trip, THEY were dating. So I distanced myself. He caught wind of what I was doing and said that he was hurt by it. So we continued to be friends and I put my feelings aside even though they continued to grow. I realize now that I should've just kept my distance. Things started getting tricky. I became involved in this huge love...I can't even call it a triangle. More like an octagon lol. My roommate and I stopped being friends. Apparently (according to him) LJ and her broke up because she kissed another guy. He admitted to having feelings for me from the beginning and wishing he had told me. One night we got really drunk and I ended up losing my virginity to him. I wasn't ready and I regretted it instantly. Even more so when I found out that they WEREN'T broken up. That cut me deep because I had fallen for him. Hard. These feelings were much deeper than anything I had ever felt. I stopped talking to him and we lost touch when I left school.
So as you can see by now, my track record with guys is pretty shitty. I haven't been involved with anyone since I was 20. I have a hard time trusting. And not just because of my own experiences. I watched my sister get abused by men that claimed to love her. Physically, emotionally and mentally. She's one of the kindest people I know and it hurt mw.to see her keep getting hurt like that. I also watched my parents marriage fall apart. My dad cheated on my mom when I was in high school. She took him back but they never talked about it. They just continued to grow apart. They eventually started sleeping in separate rooms and they stopped speaking to each altogether. Imagine living with that. I moved out and moved back home a few times and the tension was unbearable. They finally for divorced 3 years ago. After 22 years together, 19 of them spent married. It hit me hard to see my dad moving out of our house. Knowing how in love my parents used to be. It added to the already bad taste in my mouth.
I believe that people treat love as a convenience. Love never did anything but leave me broken. I want to believe that one day I'll find someone that connects to my soul. I want to believe that one day I'll find a love so deep that we get lost in each other. I want to pick out wedding dresses. I want to hold my husband's hand while we hear our baby's heartbeat. I want to sit on the porch, old and gray watching our grandchildren. I want all of that. But sadly, I just don't see it. And what's more is that I'm afraid to let myself get caught up in that dream.
I'm sorry that it's so long, I just started writing and didn't stop until now. I'm not knocking anyone's views on love. We're all different. I welcome different opinions. I just wanted to let you guys inside of my mind for a little. Thanks for reading! 😊
As always, stay classy GaGers! See you guys on the threads! 😎 ✌ ❤
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