It isn't always 50/50...and that's okay!

[OlderAndWiser]

Recently, my girlfriend has been needy. She is not a dependent or helpless female and she is not usually needy, but recently, circumstances have made her needy.

She bought a house recently and moved in about 2 1/2 months ago. I have been helping her to get settled in (we do not live together) and she has had a run of bad luck with things that needed repairs, all of which I am capable of doing for her. Clothes dryer broke, pool pump timer broke, shower head needed replacing, clothes dryer vent (30 ft vertical) got clogged, needed to replace some light fixtures, hung a new ceiling fan, started painting the interior of the house. She went out of town for a few days and needed someone to house sit/dog sit. She had eye surgery a few days ago and I am playing nursemaid to her as she is having a difficult recovery.

In the meanwhile, my needs have been overlooked. I haven't complained to her because I know that she is not intentionally neglecting me. I have felt sorry for myself but I have tried to not wallow in it for too long.

I have reminded myself of a few facts:

1. Good relationships are not necessarily perceived by the partners as being 50/50. This is a truth which you will verify if you ask people who have been in good relationships for 15 or 20 years or longer. Read my previous take on this issue: https://www.girlsaskguys.com/relationships/a10942-accounting-relationships

2. Life sometimes sends circumstances to you that result in one partner experiencing unusual stress, unusual needs, etc. and at times, relationships are unbalanced, not as a result of anyone's intentional shirking of responsibilities to a partner.

3. If this relationship becomes "permanent," it will not be permanent. If we do not perish together in a common disaster, one of us will become ill and die while the other stands by and does all they can to ease our pain while preparing to be alone once again. At the end, the relationship will be very unbalanced and neither partner will complain about that, because love motivates you to do all that you can for your partner.

If your relationship can't withstand periods of being unbalanced, maybe it isn't as strong as you thought it was. Maybe you need to think about what it means to really be in love, to really be in a committed and monogamous relationship. When the two truly become one, periods of personal sacrifice should be seen by both partners as opportunities to invest in the future of the relationship.

It isn't easy. But if anyone told you that love would be easy . . . that person had probably never been in love.

[Stacyzee]

I agree,
depending on the circumstance my answer will verify.
No relationship advice is just "black" and "white" there's always a grey area which is harder to touch.
In some cases, things being unbalanced isn't a problem... because you know eventually your partner will "even" things out (when they get themselves together).
However, if you have someone that keeps taking, taking , taking from you and at no point is there any reciprocation then you have to ask yourself, "Is this person using me?"
It's okay for things to not be 50/50 all of the time.
But if it's always 80/20 and nothing changes... then there's a problem.
That must be acknowledged.
<3 Good take!

[Stacyzee]

Also, Your girlfriend has a man of gold <3 Soo sweet how you are taking care of her.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Stacyzee @HookingSwan Thanks for the words of encouragement. My actions are not entirely selfless. She is a wonderful woman and I truly enjoy spending time with her.

[HookingSwan]

haha yes

but that was still a great answer. despite your less than selfless motives xD

Well said!

[Stacyzee]

Yes, I see that :)

[Stacyzee]

In other words , it brings you pleasure doing things for her. It should ! After all you love her ;)

[hellionthesage]

Very good take! Its very true (with any relationship really) and I am glad you said it. We do need to remind ourselves that things happen and sometimes our partners are the needy ones and other times we are. In the end it all balances out. Good take!

[Anonymous]

I agree to an extent. When both partners are engaged in the relationship then sure the odd period of imbalance is perfectly natural. However sometimes and I have experienced this, a relationship can be the opposite way round. Where it is usually imbalanced and rarely balanced. You can say it is using and easy to leave someone like that however it isn't. I dated a woman who I loved to help, take out, romance etc, I did so because I was in love with her however over time I realised she wasn't affording me the same consideration. She had family issues that she expected me to understand and then later used as a reason for her apparent lack of commitment and input. Something like that is okay for months, perhaps a year but there reaches a point where that partner has to prioritise contributing to an equal relationship. Otherwise as in my case, I began to feel unappreciated and the relationship fell apart because she felt as the man I should be strong enough to understand and deal with it. An unequal relationship was something I was willing to live with because I thought by doing so I was showing her how much I cared and given her family situation it was the right thing to do. I hoped over time she would have appreciated what I did and started to give back. How wrong I was!

[OlderAndWiser]

That sounds like the story of my life, or at least most of my life. Fortunately, I am dating a wonderful woman now who is giving, affectionate, low maintenance, not demanding, etc. The other experiences help me to appreciate what I have now.

[Opinion Owner]

That's is all I can take from it to be honest. I take full responsibility for enabling her behaviour and hopefully I can meet someone who will give back in an almost equal nature.

[OlderAndWiser]

I view dating as auditioning for a permanent role in someone else's life and I want to show them all that I am willing to do as a partner. And I give it some time to see if I get a response that shows appreciation for my attitude. I never expect to get back as much as I give, but I do hope to get back what I need. If I do get what I need from a relationship, I don't keep a balance sheet. If I don't get what I need from a relationship. . . I don't need a balance sheet to know what I should do.

[Opinion Owner]

That is a great way of looking at it!. I never expected the same level of input back however it had to be better than 80/20. For the first few years I didn't take count of anything I did because I wanted to do it and in fact enjoyed doing so however once I began to feel unappreciated I guess I did take count a little. In hindsight that is when I could have called it a day.

[Bards]

Great take. Omg. You have no idea how close this reaches home. I'm not dealing with this personally but someone extremely close to me is. she's really struggling and can not pay much mind to her lame excuse for a partner. Just recently did he try to help her with anything financially. And still its very little. But she's grateful for it because no one else can help her.

She sacrificed a lot in the past and ran herself to the brink before she decided to pull back. It won't last though because everytime he gives her alittle money, he gets nasty within no time. Can't stand him.

[HookingSwan]

Hehe that last sentence is so on point!

And be patient. hang in there. It does happen from time to time, but it usually comes back to "normal" haha as fast :)

What a wonderful boyfriend you seem to be, by the way.

[OlderAndWiser]

I make an effort every time we are together. Making a relationship work isn't something that just happens. If both people work on it (instead of quitting when they encounter problems) a relationship can be wonderful!

[HookingSwan]

true

[bomba78]

so true. a good relationship has to be 50/50. or rather 100% from each partner. And just as friends, only the good ones stay by your side when you are having a rough time. A partnership is not only fun and happy times and sex, it is also being there for each other, being the solid rock having their back when they need it. If it starts to be a consistent trend, there has to be a conversation about getting solutions that suit both partners of course.
she is lucky and I am sure she appreciates everything you are doing!

[James19]

You are a wise and understanding man and so is your take.

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

[thedevilwithin]

This is a fantastic take, I hope things get better for you both.

[Frost_Byt3]

What happens when both partners are going through a special circumstance and becomes needy? Who's needs are overlooked, and who's needs are met?

[OlderAndWiser]

I guess an example of what you suggest would be that each partner has a parent who is terminally ill. I think that under those circumstances, you would need to talk and acknowledge that these are extremely unusual circumstances, that you may not be there for each other when the other one needs you, and you must accept that it is not a reflection of how your partner feels about you. Beyond that, if one partner has a better ability to cope, then they will probably give more than they receive during the crisis. That would be like a preparation for the ultimate even that ends relationships.

[Anonymous]

If both person believe that they're 50-50, it would be shaky.
If both person think that they're 40 and another is 60 then it's perfect!
If both person think that they're 60 and another is 40 then it won't work.

[OlderAndWiser]

I disagree, If you read my Take on Accounting and Relationships: www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a10942-accounting-relationships you will understand why,