Confessions from a commitment phobe

[Starfishlover]

It's so interesting how your feelings change about certain issues throughout your lifetime.

Yes, I diagnosed this condition myself. No, I am not a registered psychologist. Why did I come to this conclusion? Well, I will start off with my earlier years. I yearned to be in a relationship to the point of obsession. Then I got a relationship. Many relationships. All of them turning sour. It got me thinking: "Is this what a relationship is?". It was dreary, they made me work too fucking hard for their selfish needs, I got put down too much and I felt absolutely empty. My sense of self was compromised as they honed in my space. I suddenly decided I didn't want to be in this situation anymore. Enough is enough.

1) I am now extremely selfish and have every right to be

Why the fuck should I have to compromise for someone who will only stay for their agendas? WHy should I share my house, my money, my life with them when I should be enjoying all these myself? Why should I waste my effervescent youth on someone undeserving?

2) There are so many options out there

Why should I stay with only one sour apple? Mind you, I am not a whore. But if the urge hits me, I know I have this option.

3) I can do what I want without a selfish partner and stinking children

Traveling is my favourite thing to do. I have been to 9 countries around the world so far. I can change my career, I can have my money to myself without having to put it into the kids trust fund (yeah right).

4) I don't have to ruin my body with children. The cons outweigh the pros with children

5) Not worrying if he is going to turn out a cheater/hitter/psychotic

No explanation here. My ex hit me ONCE. You know what I did? Took my heels off (pictured below..they're my favourite now and wear them everywhere) and hit him with it. Those puppies hurt (apparently they do since he was screaming like a little bitch).

6) Love is never forever

Only oooooooooooooooooooooooonce in a blue moon (or in my case, a snowballs chance in hell), do people get someone lucky enough to have this.

So there you have it. I have been asked out many times but I am not interested anymore. Relationships are messy because people are messy.

[xHoneyxBeex]

This is an interesting perspective. Personally, I'm the opposite. I value commitment and long-term relationships. I have always wondered why some people aren't into commitment and I think your myTake explains that well. I still prefer commitment myself but this helped me understand better where people who feel the way you do are coming from :)

[Anonymous]

there is no such thing as commitment phobe darlig. you are spiritually sick ith narcissismwhich isolates you from people and renders you unable to love and dedicate.

[Opinion Owner]

thats why women should not start relationships from a young age while being immature with immature manboys. after each heartbreak women's heart becomes colder and rockier.

[Anonymous]

Gee you admit you are selfish, you admit "when the urge hits" you have the option to walk or cheat, you view sharing your activities with someone as "restrctive" you are grossly missinformed about pregnancy, you think all guys are potentially psycos and wife beaters, and you want to give up because you think its rare. How is it you can't find a quality man for a relationship?

Thank you for at least being honest. Most of what you say seems to come from bad experiences, we all go through thinking these things at one time or another even guys.

You need to change your outlook or you are doomed to failure even though you are smoking hot. If you had similar views towards friends you wouldn't have any, at least any good ones who stick around.

1. Its not just about me.

Its true, you can have self confidence, but the corner stone of relationships are ultruism. Being nice to each other just because. This simply can't happen when one person is only nice to themselves.

2. The grass only looks greener.

Yea someone might seem hot and good in bed, but how many times has that not been the case. Is it really worth hurting the other person because you are bored and horny and they are not around?

3. I am with someone I love spending time and sharing my life with.

You dont need to be up each others butt 24/7. But if you can't stand to spend time with someone, the relationship will not work out.

4. Pregnancy does change your body, but you can get it back.

The reason many women dont is after the baby they get lazy, stop working out, and just blame it on the baby. You want to get hot again after a baby its a matter of working out and eating right. Which by the look of it you already do now. There are even some baby safe workouts to keep your arms and legs tone during pergnancy, if you so choose.

5. One bad experience doesn't mean all guys are psycos and wife beaters.

The simple truth is the vast majority of us are not.

6. Even if love is rare, so what?

Have you ever stopped wanting something just because it WAS rare? If people told you it was super rare to be smoking hot with an amazing body and stylish, would you just give up, dress in sweats all the time, stop working out and gain a couple hundred pounds? The truth is not only is it much more common than you think, you just need to keep working at it. It sucks you had some bad experiences, and you feel sad, angry, and frustrated, but you shouldn't just give up!

Any way hope this helps!

[TripleAce]

I read your take and I realize everyone has their preferences and experiences that lead a certain individual to conclusions. But

1. thats a one dimensional thought process. It lacks depth and your not looking at the whole picture. In life, in order to be strong you must be able to give punches as much as you can take them.

2. This sounds like you are afraid to put your heart on the line

3. Sharing a part of you with others is an amazing thing, you sound like a awesome person. It would be a shame not to have you sharing a part of your life with others that are near and dear.

4. Youve lost your purpose on a greater scale. You have minimized your role as a human being

5. Is fine, hope those shoes are still intact

6. The fact that you are born was less than a 0.000000001% . Love is the highest reward given to mankind. The reward far outweighs the risks

Your issue - all the above points leads to one clear evident conclusion - you are simply choosing the wrong people to begin with

[iamyourneighbor]

I don't think she was telling people why she does not like relationships, she was just stating why she is a commitment phone

[TripleAce]

@iamyourneighbor

Maybe, but the idea to take away from all that nonsense i wrote is simply she's choosing the wrong guys which is leading to being a commitement phobe. Successful Relationships have a lot to do with who you choose

[iamyourneighbor]

Well she is tired of choosing obviously

[iamyourneighbor]

Just because someone wants a relationship does not mean they are the right one for you

[iamyourneighbor]

Lmao I'm wondering if she was unattractive and fat would you guys be making these same comments about caring about the men she chooses
I'm pretty she if she was fat unattractive you guys would care less

[TripleAce]

@iamyourneighbor

From everything she explained about her self, it would be a shame not to find someone to give back to. Yes she's tired of choosing but there's obviously seems to be some kind of mismatch and its consistent with most of the men she's been with. Maybe she's just attracted to those kinda guys and is hoping for one to be the one for her

Nevertheless, it comes down to choosing the right guy. Maybe guys are tuffer on her because they see the potential. Every guy wants an attractive girl thats amazing on the inside

[iamyourneighbor]

I like how you failed to address my last comment. Maybe because its true

[TripleAce]

@iamyourneighbor

I did... just more subtle lol

Second sentence last paragraph

[iamyourneighbor]

Obviously I'm right

[TripleAce]

@iamyourneighbor
if you wanna be right i can give you the satisfaction of being right

Not exactly right but its a nice start. Do you like being right? Is that in your nature

[RebelOfNowhere]

I wouldn't call myself a commitmentphobe, but I was VERY wary relationships in general... until I met my boyfriend.

I never wanted a relationship that wouldn't last a long time/forever. I wasn't going to commit to anyone I couldn't see myself with 20 years from now. And being picky like that was worth it. The man I love and am dedicated to now makes me better on literally every level of my heart, mind, and spirit.

Finding a love like that is the most special thing anyone can have, and it's not something I'd recommend for anyone to turn down. Being wary of relationships and commitment is not so bad. Why would you want to waste time on someone who isn't even that good for you? I simply suggest that you be open to the possibility of finding someone who makes you a better person just by existing, and who fills your life and heart with joy. You can find someone who wants the same out of life as you do... travel, no kids, etc. You don't have to seek them out, but if someone truly special comes along... be open to it!

[KDA20]

I liked your take - All very solid reasons for being a commitmentphobe - I think it was Little Sally that said in the opinions she was not a commitmentphobe but was very wary of the whole "Relationship" thing, I think that would sum up my attitude - My last relationship ended badly and I am very wary about going down that road again but I haven't completely turned my back on it. All I can do is have the same hopes for you that I have for myself (1) If I stay single I remain fairly happy (2) If I meet someone who changes my mind about "Relationships" it works out happily, when it boils down to it, you can't ask more than that.
One small points on kids is over the years I have seen friends who I considered quite self centered have children and turned into great parents, it is one of those things I don't think you will understand why it changes you until it happens to you.
I think my overall point is there are strong arguments for and against being a commitmentphobe or commitmentphile, I say to each their own and whatever route they choose, I hope they find happiness.

[Dragonblood21]

You wanted a relationship so badly with someone, instead of someone you actually want, and looking at it like it's the fault of relationships. You entire take is littered with evidence of it.

"I can do what I want without a selfish partner"

- Your partner isn't supposed to be selfish. If they are, you have the wrong partner.

"Why the fuck should I have to compromise for someone who will only stay for their agendas?"

- Because they shouldn't be, and there are people who would rather share agendas.

"Why should I share my house, my money, my life with them when I should be enjoying all these myself?"

- Because they share their world with you too. That's a rather large part of the relationship.

You can do what you want. But I think you need to seriously consider whether your have relationships to blame for everything, or whether your have yourself to blame for choosing to be in a relationship with clearly wrong people.

[Mesonfielde]

"Hello everyone, I think relationships are horrible because the people I used to date left me disillusioned, bitter, and now I assume everyone is selfish and evil and I hate everyone no matter what they do".

That's what I read. I am certain that cannot be a healthy worldview.

But congrats to the heel thing, that is a valid response.

[AmericanPoet]

This is my take. That was a very "bitter" post. Every woman I have met that identifies with the above drivel tries to portray themselves as strong, independent and in control when in reality they are the weakest and most frail emotionally. Out of some form of fear they always pick guys they know won't last (cheater/hitter/psychotic) and then blame the men for their problems. You talk to this girl for any time and I guarantee we can peel away this nonsense and find a frightened little girl who doesn't know how to manage her emotions or what a healthy relationship is.

[Starfishlover]

Excuse me. Are both your names Dr Phil? Can a woman change her mind at all? I date, but I choose not to be in a relationship.

[Toad-1]

Do your dates know that @mytake owner? if not then you are leading them on

[lumos]

I understand this to some degree but I think it's a bit harsh to view your potential partner as a leech who only interferes with your money spending and traveling. I totally get that you don't want kids. But a partner is someone you feel like you actually WANT to be with. You WANT to travel with them. You WANT to give them presents when the occasion is right for it. If you truly like them, then you don't really feel like you're compromising or missing out. You're sharing and taking care of each other. If you only view your partner as a leech who gets in the way of you doing what you want, then you obviously don't have any feelings for them at all. Which in a sense means that they're not even your partner.

[Stacyzee]

I think you still have a lot to figure out about life. Usually people are more on grips with who they are at your age.
Your takes in general strike me as someone who is "one-sided" and judgmental.

Pertaining to this take ,
I will say I can respect that's the way you want to live your life. However I don't think you have found someone who you're willing to compromise with. When you truly do, you won't see things according to rules and regulations, with this person. You will find the beauty by being with this person. You will see that relationships can be an extent of one's happiness and a extension of who they are as a person.
You should never have to abandon who you are to be in a relationship.

[abacaxi84]

Nice take. I particularly agree with the upsides to the no kids aspect. Seeing that having a kid tends to have more of a negative effect on a woman's quality of life: her body is forever changed - for the worse, his isn't, child care responsibilities are rarely evenly shared, and even if the woman works, she usually comes home to a second shift of childcare at home, I am surprised how many women are still desperate to have kids. My friend recently had a baby and when i went to visit her - she said that a 20 minute walk in the park was the only exercise she got each day because she was breastfeeding so frequently all day. That is my personal idea of hell.

[brain5000]

This is great. Those heals look painful! :) I wish I could tell you to find someone who has similar goals and values, but that is like saying "all you have to do is find a cure for cancer" - easier said than done! Just be careful, because once you wind up in your late 40s or so, and all of your friends and family are sending kids off to college, you might find your life of traveling solo pointless and boring. I am of a mindset similar to yours, though -- women always talking about your kids and travel plans - *yawwwwnn*

[LittleSally]

All of those: Make sense.

I'm not a commitment-phobe, but I am extremely careful of whom I trust. May translate the same, though.

Kids - the only thing I might not agree on > I love kids. But having them would have to make all other things align for me to feel okay having them. o. O

Nice take!
Very much appreciated.

[bomba78]

It's a good take and you list very valid reasons to stay single, but there is a lot of frustration in your words...

Not all men are the same, not all relationships are bad, you seem to have had bad luck so far and have gotten burned one too many times.

[iamyourneighbor]

She never said that all men are bad

[bomba78]

@iamyourneighbor it's pretty much impiled innit?

[Starfishlover]

I dont know what to think anymore to be honest...

[allahu_snackbar]

I think you need to exercise a bit more discretion, if you meet a guy who's blatantly not a blood sucker and puts your happiness before his own most of the time then you'd be stupid to get all cagey and decide you're a commitment phobe so you're just gonna bail.

[Lolomon]

I'm a commitment phobe, not because of all the reason you say but for some of them. What I realized is why is because most of us grew up single parent homes where we saw our mother work so hard and that made us fear ever being in that position and some of us have just seen bad relationship of our parents who refused to divorce. But getting over those issues is a part of healing and maturing. Most commitment phones have a back story as to why they feel that way.

[PT1911]

>gets criticized for when she says she wants a real relationship

>gets criticized for when she de idea to become a little loose more or less.

Christ, everyone is angry for some reason.

Anyway, the frustration shows, and I don't agree with the kid part, but then again never ever start a family with someone you don't fully love or appreciate.

[Starfishlover]

Everyone is angry because all they do is sit behind a computer and do nothing throughout their day

[PT1911]

That too lol

[lost_kitten]

I've never had a bad relationship. But then i haven't had many in general.
But I've heard similar things from other people and now i'm a little wary when dating. I keep waiting for them to switch back to their normal personality so i can see what they're really like before getting emotionally involved. Nice take some excellent points.

[Phoenix98]

Uh that doesn't really make you a commitment phobe at all 1-4 is basically just being selfish and the rest can be negated with simple common sense.

[Anonymous]

Great take. I've had friends accuse me of being a commitmentphobe though because I go on so many dates, mainly from girls i meet off the sites, and they don't lead to a relationship.

But really the thing is that the ones who wanna commit to me, I don't want to and vice versa. And it's like why commit if I don't feel it. It doesn't make me happier and it's unfair to the other person because I'd just be using them just for the sake of being in a relationship.

[AleDeEurope]

That's why I'm not committing anytime soon. So many people, and so many chances of getting screwed in a relationship, that I see no reasons to be with just one person.

[PineappleBreath]

long term relationships have there benefits and draw backs. I tend to just have an open relationship get the varied sex plus the bonus of a primary emotional relationship. I mean after all you can only be in love with one person at a time.