Trust Issues and Relationship Phobia: My Struggle

[CHARismatic110]

When people think of or hear about relationship phobia, more times than not, they automatically think that it's solely a commitment issue. Even talking with friends about it, they seem to think that I'm simply afraid to commit. It's so much more deeper than that. Join me, and I'll try to explain.

I have serious trust issues. And I've had them since I was a kid. They've only gotten worse as I've gotten older. If you've read some of my other Takes, then you know that I've gone through being bullied. I've had "friends" that made fun of me behind my back. I've been in 2 relationships, and I was cheated on in both of them. So yes, I have problems with trusting people.

I haven't been in a relationship in 7 years. There was a guy in college that I had serious feelings for, but that ended horribly. And I gave up on guys for a long time after that. I wouldn't allow myself to get close to anyone. My mind had convinced itself that anyone I let get close would just end up hurting me. I stayed like this for years, but the desire never faded. I still wanted to be wanted. I still wanted to be loved. But I was afraid. I AM afraid.

I don't know how to let go of the fear of being hurt. It's not that I'm afraid to commit. I'm willing to commit. I WANT to be committed to someone. But I'm a firm believer in trust being the foundation of any relationship and friendship. I can't fully trust anyone. I don't. It's a defense mechanism. Prepare for the hurt now, and it won't be as bad later. Fully trusting means that I open myself up for heartache. And I simply cannot survive another heartache. I also fear that if and when the right person comes along, I won't even be able to tell. And I won't know how to accept the love. Because I'll be too busy preparing for the worst. It won't be fair to them. It's weird because I have so much love inside. Built up. Overflowing. Waiting and wanting to be released. I let some of it spill out on someone recently and they rejected it. Which reinforced the fear.

It's a constant struggle. I'm not getting any younger, and I'd like to have a family. But I also know that I am a very damaged person. I struggle with desire and fear. And fear wins. Every. Single. Time.

[kaylaS91]

How you're feeling sounds exactly how I was not that long ago. I was never scared of commitment in itself. I knew for as long as I remember that I want to be with someone, that one of my worst fears was to live and die all alone.

My issues with trust and wishing I'd stop wearing my heart on the line came after my previous relationship. Toxic almost in whole, ending with my being cheated on. I swore off of guys for 2 years following that. I was lonely, sure. However, I preferred to keep to myself, keeping whatever was left of me than risking falling apart yet again. I even told my now-boyfriend how I felt when we would spend a lot of time together 100% platonically. That I din't believe in love, that it's all a sham, etc.. I rejected him asking me out because I was scared of there being a repeat of how my last venture had gone.

Eventually I realized he had nothing but the best intentions for me. We started dating, myself taking it very slowly. Being very guarded to the point that he'd call me on it, asking why I fail to trust him when he has done nothing to show that he'd hurt me. That it's unfair for all men to have to carry the burden of the asshole who had left me as a shell of my former self.

With time though, I realized he was right. As devastating as my previous experiences had been, in hindsight, they did make me stronger. They were a bitch and a half to get through but I came out of it wiser. More aware of my personal self-value, red flags that I'll refuse to turn a blind eye to in future relationships, etc..
Don't give up. I know first-hand it often may seem like there's no hope, no point in continuing to wait around but before you know it you'll meet someone who'll prove to you otherwise. :)

[CHARismatic110]

Well I'm glad that you overcame. Unfortunately I'm going through something that probably will set me back even more now. But thank you for sharing your story.

[ilovefootball_]

The girl I'm seeing now is having a hard time trying to trust me because last year when I saw her for 5 months, I had hit her dog with a pillow (which she came over 1 month later and forgave me) and when I saw her in Jan 2015 til March 2015, I had tinder seeing other girls.

Now, I've seen her since 3rd week of October and I haven't had Tinder or seen other girls. I haven't been allowed back to her place yet (lives alone with her dog) and doesn't like my manipulative behavior (lying to her when she knows I'm lying).

She hasn't broken up with me and it seems she keeps giving me chances and won't let go. I've also found she will say I don't think this is working and a few days later she is happy. I am very good at pleasing her sexually, she always wants more, and when we do hangout it's always fun and meaningful.

Recently she said that she thinks I need to work on myself (stop lying), but she doesn't seem to be going anywhere. (she is 28, last semester in Vet College, basically has no time to meet anyone, I'm 25).

So that's what I'm doing. Trying to show her that she can trust me again, wish it would be quicker :( I mean, she came back to me after last year when so much bad happened, she's quite the keeper since I've never had an exs want me back)

[kxera]

Hitting her dog with the pillow was mistake no 1. My dogs were my children; if a guy ever hurt them, I don't know if I'd trust him either, but if you are seriously then you'd just delete tinder and be done, but talk to her, tell her how you feel.

[ilovefootball_]

@kxera I haven't had Tinder since I've started seeing her again in October of 2015. The dog was Dec 2014, but she came over 1 month later and forgave me.

She was diagnosed being hypothyroid last week and since she hasn't been too talkative. On Monday I also implied I didn't trust her, using manipulative behavior (my bad). She messaged yesterday saying she doesn't like that behaviour and wants me to work on myself. Luckily she didn't say it's done or anything related.

[kxera]

Definitely talk to her then and she could be taking out her condition's stress on you

[ilovefootball_]

@kxera I said I agreed and that I would work on myself. Haven't heard anything else from her, but she is still following me on social media (instagram because she can see who I follow and what I like, last year I liked girls photos I was seeing... my bad).

[kxera]

Did she give actual things to work on though? Or is she just telling you to change yourself with no guidance?

[ilovefootball_]

@kxera She doesn't like it when I lie to her and she knows I am lying and to tell her how I feel instead of holding it in, which I've been getting better at.

[kxera]

Well common sense should be not to lie to people. That's something everyone should work on.

[ilovefootball_]

@kxera I made that mistake, so I guess it sounds like she would like some space for now, but I am sure a few days of not talking she will come around, she usually does. Can't imagine having Hypothyroidism.

[kxera]

Just don't feel torn if she doesn't. To have to deal with health stress and whether or not you can eve trust your significant other is a lot. She may decide to just focus on her health.

[RJGraveyTrain]

This was an interesting take, and while you didn't directly ask for advice I'll throw my opinion out anyway: sometimes you just need to get into it head first.

I've been going on dates recently, and I, like you was always afraid of entering a relationship for my own reasons. But more often than not, we create what we fear. If we go into it guard up, scared and expecting the worse, we project that and scare people away. The only way I have been able to get past this is by FORCING myself to do the things I was afraid of and now allowing myself to crumble under the pressure. I made myself go out with guys, repeating my mantra of: "It's not going to kill you, it's just a moment in time that will be over and when it is you will be FINE." People can only destroy you if you allow them to (wrote a whole take about it). You just need to trust that you're strong enough to know that if someone hurts you it is NOT your fault.

[CHARismatic110]

I actually took some risks in 2015. Most of them didn't end well, but I did gain a few new friends. One of my goals for this year is to step out of my comfort zone. To come from behind the safety glasses. And take more chances. I'm trying to face the fear head on. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I understand, I still have to force myself to do scary things. Even if it ends badly you can walk away telling yourself that you'll never have to ask: "What if I didn't try?"

[CHARismatic110]

True. Thanks for the advice chica! I appreciate it.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Not a problem my friend.

[MissNowhere]

Oh how I feel you.
I've got some serious trust issues too. Never been able to trust anyone 100%. And it's not even due to past relationships, I'm not even sure why exactly I have them. I guess it's mainly cause of everything I see happening around me, people cheating, lying, not being honest with their partner. Just feels like it's better to be alone than take the high risk of experiencing that shit first-hand.

[CHARismatic110]

As sad as it is, I agree. People always say that you should take chances and put yourself out there, but when you've seen and been through so much, its hard to. It's like, you gotta protect yourself and your heart these days.

[Anonymous]

Tge best solution is to stop letting yourself be victimised and stop behaving like your a victim and you will no longer be a victim. So many people today want to play tge victim in their own life. I used to be like this until I woke up and started to be more proactive in my life, lost weight, got a great boyfriend, great job and a great life. Thanks to the good people around me telling me like it is and not mollycuddling me with false sentiments about how I was a unique snowflake ir that my fairy good mother was going to grant my wishes and I'd live happily ever after no I was told " get up off your fat ass, loss some weight, stop feeling depressed and sorry for yourself, get a job , get a life because no ones going to give you anything unless you take it, no one will do it for you, the world doesn't owe you anything and its a rough place so toughen up!"

[CHARismatic110]

Who's a victim? I shared a story about my trust issues. That's it. And for your info, I've lost 40 pounds and counting. And I didn't need anyone to tell me to do so. People around me didn't need to give me that speech. Thanks for your input tho. Good day now.

[Opinion Owner]

I hope you master your fat ass just as I did. Good day madam.

[Opinion Owner]

This may or may not help but it helped me a lot. People in the 40's and 50's in Britain were considerably healthier and thinner so it might help you to look into why.

[CHARismatic110]

Thanks.

[Opinion Owner]

Your welcome all the best.

[IcyBastet]

My boyfriend keeps almost breaking up with me because I'm defensive, I've had several bad relationships and I'm also naturally reserved with emotion anyway. Anyway, it's only been 3 months, he doesn't seem to understand it's going to take me longer to open up. I'm constantly worried he's going to dump me in the meantime =/ He's also friends with his ex's, which makes me more insecure and defensive!

[CHARismatic110]

Yeah I can understand that. And if he threatens to break up over every little thing, maybe he's insecure himself.

[BelleGirl21]

That's interesting. It must be a hard struggle in day to day relationships. I actually have the opposite where I tend to trust people way too easily.

[CHARismatic110]

That used to be me. Be careful Belle, people are like vultures. They seek their prey and then feast on them until there's nothing left.

[BelleGirl21]

Oh that makes me sad. 😥

[CHARismatic110]

Me too. It sucks that there people like that.

[KBob93]

I've heard something similar to this called philophobia, or the fear of forming romantic bonds.

[CHARismatic110]

Shit I probably have that too.

[orphan]

put yourself out there girl! you'll eventually meet someone worthy.

don't give up, and don't give up on yourself alright? alright.

[CHARismatic110]

Lol thanks dude.

[HentaiMaster23]

My girlfriend, has the same thing, she's had some bad expiriences with her exes, but I promised never to leave her and I meant it

[CHARismatic110]

Well that's good. I hope you don't.

[HentaiMaster23]

Yep, I love her, and I see no reason to leave her, the only reason I'd ever leave her is if, she murdered someone, and she isn't gonna do that so no need to worry, however I do worry about her a lot though, and I'm afraid I'll do something dumb, and lose her, cuz I mess a lot of stuff up, and I don't have the ability to think before I speak

[CHARismatic110]

Well I wish you the best.

[HentaiMaster23]

Thank you for that, I still think, I'm gonna do something dumb, and hurt her, cuz I always mess stuff up

[CHARismatic110]

Don't speak negatively. Just try your best.

[HentaiMaster23]

I know, but I have an extremely low self-esteem, and depression, well she has depression to, but that's irrelevant

[CHARismatic110]

Well you made a promise. So do everything you can to keep it

[HentaiMaster23]

Yep, I don't break promisses

[Anonymous]

Have you tried dating your best guy freind who you already trust?

[CHARismatic110]

I dated my 1st best guy friend when I was younger. For 3 years. He's one of the cheaters. I have feelings for my current best guy friend. He doesn't feel the same.

[Opinion Owner]

aw that's to bad. I wish you luck with your future relationships. You might want to try looking for church guys they are usually the best ones once you get to know them.

[CHARismatic110]

Thank you.

[Asshole01]

I am almost the same boat as you... I have trust issues and it sucks..

[CHARismatic110]

It may certainly does

[Asshole01]

Getting played hurts that's why and ypuvdonupur research about the people on your city and all you discover is everyone plays everyone. I don't wanna get on that roller coaster ride so I stay single unfortunately

[Asshole01]

Lonely life but I believe it's for the best

[CHARismatic110]

Can't say that I disagree.

[Asshole01]

Sorry for my atrocious typing skills lol I'm a bit hung over and my fuvkin head hurts

[CHARismatic110]

Lol it's all good

[pavlove]

What would you say is the difference between regular trust issues and what you have?

[CHARismatic110]

Well I can't really talk about other people's trust issues, but mine have triggered anxiety attacks before.

[pavlove]

what is the difference then between social phobia and this? (I'm honestly really curious to know.)

[CHARismatic110]

You mean social anxiety? I have that as well. But my not trusting people comes directly from past experiences. My social anxiety comes from me being an introvert. I can be social, but not for too long before I start to get anxious.

[Anonymous]

How do we let our guard down? This is so me.

[CHARismatic110]

I made the mistake of letting it down last year. It set me back even further.