I have been reflecting and looking at my love-life and life in general. I have come to the ugly realization that I have trust- issues.
It takes a special person to fully earn my trust.
I don't know if you are aware of the story of Scheherazade and 1001 nights with the king. It depicts a king who like me, is distrustful of the opposite sex and takes one from his harem, sleeps with them and decapitates them. This is mainly because his ex wife cheated on him and tried to kill him.
I too have been cheated on- not sure how many times. It has made me distrusting of some men. Not all though. Some men I could send them to the strippers and I could go away for a month, I know they would pass the test.
So this is what it is like for a person with trust issues.
1) I am constantly exhausted and weary in a relationship and in day to day life.
Again, this is entirely my fault. This is due to the fact that I am constantly reading between two lines and over thinking things.
2) I am eaten up by constant worry.
I am worrying about what he is doing when he is not with me, why he isn't answering his phone and why he takes hours to respond to my texts outside of work. Can't he be a little transparent?
3) I will only be safe if I have unlimited and unrestricted access to his phone at all times.
Every boyfriend had unlimited and unrestricted access. Is the password and your shady behaviour necessary if you really aren't hiding anything?
4) I have to test him and people in my life constantly.
Even if they pass, I still won't trust them and have to constantly test them.
5) When I see myself falling in love, I look for anything wrong with you and run if it is perfect. I had my heart broken many times, I can't have it again.
This is probably going to be me.
6) I won't even accept if he looks at another girl.
I mean, is it absolutely necessary? I don't look at other dudes because I control myself.
7) I set impossibly high standards for others.
This is why I will become this in my future.
But I guess being a cat lady is better than this:
I guess hoes just can't be loyal.