What it's Like Having Trust-Issues

[Heartonmysleeve88]

I have been reflecting and looking at my love-life and life in general. I have come to the ugly realization that I have trust- issues.

It takes a special person to fully earn my trust.

I don't know if you are aware of the story of Scheherazade and 1001 nights with the king. It depicts a king who like me, is distrustful of the opposite sex and takes one from his harem, sleeps with them and decapitates them. This is mainly because his ex wife cheated on him and tried to kill him.

I too have been cheated on- not sure how many times. It has made me distrusting of some men. Not all though. Some men I could send them to the strippers and I could go away for a month, I know they would pass the test.

So this is what it is like for a person with trust issues.

1) I am constantly exhausted and weary in a relationship and in day to day life.

Again, this is entirely my fault. This is due to the fact that I am constantly reading between two lines and over thinking things.

2) I am eaten up by constant worry.

I am worrying about what he is doing when he is not with me, why he isn't answering his phone and why he takes hours to respond to my texts outside of work. Can't he be a little transparent?

3) I will only be safe if I have unlimited and unrestricted access to his phone at all times.

Every boyfriend had unlimited and unrestricted access. Is the password and your shady behaviour necessary if you really aren't hiding anything?

4) I have to test him and people in my life constantly.

Even if they pass, I still won't trust them and have to constantly test them.

5) When I see myself falling in love, I look for anything wrong with you and run if it is perfect. I had my heart broken many times, I can't have it again.

This is probably going to be me.

6) I won't even accept if he looks at another girl.

I mean, is it absolutely necessary? I don't look at other dudes because I control myself.

7) I set impossibly high standards for others.

This is why I will become this in my future.

But I guess being a cat lady is better than this:

and this

I guess hoes just can't be loyal.

[vonasaurus]

until i met my boyfriend (common-law husband) of 3 years, who understood my issues and worked to earn my trust, i was like this too.

i grew up in a family that saw every relationship end within 10 years because the husbands all cheated. so i thought this was normal behaviour and would seek out men who did the same to me~ but, the first time it happened, i didn't like it and realized that, no, this behaviour is not normal and that partners in a healthy, loving relationship don't willingly hurt each other.

however

i disagree with #3. surveillance in relationships is dangerous because you have all this data about your partner and no context... even if you go snooping to soothe your paranoia, i can guarantee that, no matter what you find, it will have the opposite effect.

i don't have a cell phone, but my computer and tablet are password-protected and, if the guy i was with couldn't deal with that, he'd be out the door.

i have nothing to hide, but i'm an introvert and a very private person. i had 3 siblings and, because we lived in a tiny apartment when we were younger, i couldn't even keep a diary, for fear that someone would get their hands on it and read it... that's why my privacy is sacred, and someone who feels the need to violate that constantly is not someone i'll keep around for long (i once broke up with a long-term partner because i caught him going through my desk).

on the other end, my man uses chrome and is signed into his browser constantly, meaning i have free access to all of his stuff (facebook, emails, etc.). but i never snoop, and never will, because i trust him.

/my 2 cents, for whatever they are worth.

-von

[MazeOfLove]

From a relationship coaches perspective you must investigate the trust issues from the following lenses.

Is trust institutional or specific? Institutional is broad brushed and generally based on past experiences that cause you to judge or measure future people and experiences on. This is clearly where you are.

Then ask yourself, do I distrust intent or capability? You know what intent is. In the relationship trust sense, capability is about whether you believe someone (or men in general) are capable of having a healthy relationship.

Lastly, investigate whether your distrust is based on recency, scope, consistency or personal experiences. Recency applies to something that happened recent and thus is fresh in your mind. Scope applies to something big that happened and thus has stuck with you.

[MrMysteryMan]

I think cheating can steam from having a that weight of someone distrusting you when you are absolutely above board with someone. I would go so far as to say that having distrust already in a relationship will ultimately destroy it eventually. It doesn't even have a chance to being and it is already being picked apart (I mean the relationship). Trust is one of the biggest importance in a relationship. Without it, how does one hope for their relationship to grow and become more? Or even any type of bond to foster between the parties? I understand that you got burned more than once, but defending yourself with such tactics will only lead to more shitty relationships. Also, it's wearing on you physically, which stresses you more, which will cause problems with your health. Why go through all this over a guy right off the bat?

I know how much it hurts to be cheated on. It feels like a shot to the gut, again and again and you start to question yourself and is anything is real. But, did some soul searching and I learned that maybe some of it was my fault or I wasn't the right person for them and they didn't know how to show it or tell me. Or, from learning how human interaction works over time, it could be that the timing wasn't right and I was more vested in the relationship or my love was stronger or she fit my criteria to fall in love with her, but I didn't quite fit what she wanted or her expectations of the relationship wasn't quite like mine. But she just didn't know how to tell me because maybe either I didn't listen to her enough or I didn't let her explain good enough or I didn't want to look in that direction. So now, I just go into every relationship with a clean slate and let actions and passion in the relationship, show me their commitment level and if they are vested or not.

But, I do understand why you do what you do and where you're coming from and I don't blame you one bit. It's a natural defensive stance to guard your heart from more pain. But that guard isn't selective and so it blocks the truthful love as well as the false. So it's better just to have casual defenses than one big WALL.

[Anonymous]

You are a woman. Society gives you more leeway to be picky with who you date but I can relate to trust issues.

I sometimes believe that women have a twisted lust towards unfaithful guys. They see these guys as "catches" because cheating is textbook bad boy behavior. They feel a morbid pleasure of having to compete with other women so they can be the "one". I'm not sure if you ever saw the classic gangster movie the Goodfellas but there was a scene that summed this up to a tee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4vuCfuFjDI

I swear some of you girls seek out guys like this. You almost look at faithful guys as too available and "beta".

I had an ex that was deeply in love with me for almost an entire year. She showed me to off to her friends, families, co-workers. She constantly told me how lucky she was to meet a guy like me, how cute I was, how "nice" I was, how big my "D" was, etc. She one time told me I was good "to the core".

I had several opportunities to cheat on her (fucking amazing how women go after taken guys, it's NOT the same the other way round) but I didn't. Despite many temptations (that oddly never happened when I was single) I stayed loyal.

Well anyway long story short she broke up with me because I was going through a very difficult phase in my life. A few weeks later I found out I had HPV and after debating for three weeks I told her because I was concerned for her health (and still loved her as a person). Her response was "oh thank God, I'm vaccinated. As for you, you're an ex so tough luck!".

That was the most painful relationship experience I had ever endured in my life. It would have taken her cheating on me, getting an abortion (w/o telling me) or ghosting me over a complete disregard of a human being. HPV is going to be something I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life.

So tell me, as a man. How am I supposed to trust women now? How am I supposed to have a good attitude when I go out dating? How am I supposed to be CONFIDENT with women after this happened?

There are men out there who will be 100% loyal to you. I bet they are a few guys you friend zoned. Reevaluate your emotions and control them. You would be surprised how many good men are out there.

[UnknownReflection]

Accepting that you have trust issues because of the bitter experiences in your past is a victory by itself. You are ahead of many people who have this issue but they don't want to accept it.

You shouldn't take it hard on yourself. Trust is an important factor. One of the very critical stands in relationships. When it's broken, it takes a lot of time and effort to heal it up. And this issue is unwanted. You never wanted it to be this way. It's been forced upon you, now the only way to protect the rest of your emotions is to be extra cautious because you know once it happens you can't put the broken pieces back together that easily.

Well for any future men who desire to be with you. They must be concrete and stubborn, patient and passionate to help you improve the healing process of your feelings. However, you already know about your trust-issue. I believe you must slowly believe in second chances and try to open the door of your life toward new chapters. Because you can't start a new chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one. But it's understandable and i know how complicated it can be. You would need evidence to make sure you're not gonna get hurt again but when the evidence be way too prefect you get suspicious again. It's a challenge for your mind and your feelings alarming you to prevent shattering all over again. But in my opinion, you must be patient with both yourself and others. And if someone trying to show you the brighter side. Be cautious but embrace it cautiously.

https://i.imgur.com/YEHcfvK.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/KQRybxJ.jpg

[Heartonmysleeve88]

I say this with utmost sincerity, I jump quickly into reading your words and your wisdom and lap it all up.

[UnknownReflection]

It's my pleasure. I just hope that you could repair your feelings out of the tragedies you have faced. And hopefully there going to be more trustworthy men who help you to rebuild your emotions for the greater good. Because you deserve to enjoy this part of life as well. And i believe you will. Just you must be patient and give it space slowly.

[Ellenko]

It's incredibly exhausting worrying like this all the time. The last time I was broken up with I actually felt relief amongst all the pain, because I could finally just relax and not be scared anymore.
Because I'm aware of my trust issues, I often tell myself to stop thinking about it when I feel like something isn't right, telling myself "I will always feel like something is wrong anyways"! Except, usually it turns out that I was right to not trust them. It's going to be hard finding a good balance between ignoring red flags and worrying about nothing.

[Goodnightcharlie]

It's scary the odds even. It was around 70% of females cheat and 73% of men. No real notable differences in my opinion. I fell bad for the % of men that don't cheat because they are always looked at like the cheating dog. When girls are dint even come close to having the same judgment from society. Yet everyone of my girlfriends have cheated. Anyway with those odds, and all past relationships it's hard.

[ObscuredBeyond]

I use the gal's Facebook habits as a benchmark for trustworthiness. If they're shady online, they're probably shady in real life too. Sure enough, the shadier their online habits, the more likely they are to flake out or stand up. But if I have their Facebook habits as a guide, then that saves me a ton of time trying to guess and extract info out of them to determine if they're compatible. It's like having the CarFax on her and getting a near-instant read.

[thetundrawolf]

You say all this but discount your own hatred of your instincts. Your instincts always told you what kind of guy he was. Instead of trusting your fear (Which will drive all the good guys away from you), instead, realize your hand in this, and trust your instincts, again. Otherwise you will die terrified of betrayal, and completely alone. Cats will never fulfill you.

[HighBlueSky]

Aw :/ I feel bad for you especially cause your username is HeartOnMySleeve. There are guys that won't hurt you, and you're self aware so I hope you find a guy who's willing to give you all the materials you need to trust him fully.

I'm against giving my phone to anyone, but I'd have made an exception.

[blondfrog]

"What it's like having trust issues" Welcome to human nature everyone has trust issues. Your not the only one and when I mean everybody I mean 7 billion + people.

[YHL6965]

Not every one is like that, just because you attracted douchebags doesn't mean that you have to treat nice guys like them. You'll miss plenty of great opportunities if you keep being like this.

[Browneye57]

Naw, just your special snowflake feelings. You actually think they're real. LOL

[AlwaysBelieving]

damn. do you thing you'll ever fully trust another (guy)?

PS. That is a LOT of cats.

[Pilulu]

Wrong.
What its lile being paranoired
1. I hate everyone
2. I can't look at people without having a publa stack
3. I eat dildeos

[Anonymous]

lol @ 3

If I had a girl with trust issues, I wouldn't be giving her access to my phone. That just feeds trust issues, and she won't learn to trust.

[Anonymous]

Have your past boyfriend been fuckboys?

[Salohcin22]

haha, I know right!

[COCOCHANEL]

having 20 cats is the ideal life

[BeautifulPromisesx]

Join the club

[Anonymous]

That's right.