A Confession...

A Confession...

I did something bad... really bad...

I cheated on my boyfriend... And the worst part is... I don't exactly regret it.

My partner and I have been together for 2 years; and I do love him. I would give my life for him, right this second. You might not believe me... But I really do care about him.

It's not that he was a bad boyfriend... We got along well. He was actually a great one. His worst quality was probably that he was incredibly difficult to get to know. He had trust issues. But he is very sweet, caring, and attentive. We were different, but we were happy...

I was planning on marrying my significant other. He was supposed to propose before he left for boot camp... But he kept putting it off. I asked why he was doing this, and he said "Because I am afraid you won't be here when I get back"... He was always so convinced I would just realize he wasn't worth the effort and just ditch... Our relationship could be... challenging... but I told him that wasn't going to happen.

Then, one day, the most unexpected thing happened: I met my soulmate. He's an INTJ, I am an ENFP. The chemistry was instant. But neither of us acted on it. I was still with my SO, and I tried to bury my feelings. He did, too. We talked about why things could never work out between us; but as much as we did that, I never quite convinced myself. He even lied to me, claiming he didn't see me romantically, just so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable, and to not upset things I had with my SO.

But the chemistry was obvious. People saw us together, and knew we had something different. We just fed each other's enthusiasm and fire for life. It was even awkward, when my SO, him, and I hung out with friends... because he and I just had this chemistry that was undeniable. We joked and laughed in a way that lit up the entire room... It even made my SO uneasy.

I asked my SO if he wanted me to just cut my new friend off entirely. And I meant it... but he said no. After a few months, my SO went to boot camp... and I stayed faithful. I wrote him letters every day (he is still there now). It is taking him twice as long as expected... but he is making progress. And I am incredibly proud of him. He comes home June 14.

But not myself... about a week ago, I was talking to my best friend, and told him since my SO had left, I felt like I could think for myself, and not exclusively about how he felt... For the past 10 months, I had been stuffing and stuffing my feelings... I even said that my SO was the love of my life, but that he was my soul mate. We've always made jokes about being the same person, and if we got too close, we'd fuze together. But I started to question the legitimacy of that.

So, for the first time ever, we tested our theory... He and I kissed... and I instantly knew. He said he knew it was wrong... But it felt like the most right thing he'd done in his entire life. Ever since then, we haven't been able to stop: we sit up at night, and talk for hours about our dreams and aspirations. We share how we see the world, and things we've been through. Everything I have disliked about my body, he loves. And I admire the fuck out of his character, because he has lived the hardest life of any human I have ever personally met. It was so awful, he was self-mutilating by age 8, committed suicide when he was 27, and came back from the other side. And ever since then, he has been an entirely different person: free, and filled with humor and life. I told him I used to be nervous around him because he was everything I had always aspired to be: gentle, kind, humble, passionate and totally independent. He's divorced, after being in a severely abusive relationship for 7 years... and said he never thought he'd date/get married again (and was totally content with it), until he met me; and that he would live this same terrible life 1000 times, as long as I were promised to be in it every time...

I have never felt so ecstatic, understood, or fulfilled in my entire life: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. I made a list in high school of 152 things I wanted in my partner, and he is all of them. I feel like a completely different being, and I can't control myself... He believes I was made for him, and I don't really even believe in soulmates. I don't think God makes people for people: he makes them for Himself. But it is hard to believe that sometimes... because I adore everything about this man, and I can't imagine life without him. His imperfections are perfect to me. And he accepts me in all my anxiousness and squirreliness. I feel like I am visibly glowing sometimes, because my soul is on fire. I have never felt so free or independent, and I never want it to stop.

So I am writing this myTake, to say that I am sorry... I'm sorry, Taco, for lying to you: I'm sorry I broke your trust... I'm sorry I said I'd never leave you, and promised to marry you, when in the end, I can't... I'm sorry that I didn't just wait for my soulmate to show up, and I roped you into the middle of this... because now I have to either hurt you, or lie to myself the rest of my life, when I say "You're the only one I want". I'm sorry that I didn't believe anybody could ever want me as I am, so I wrapped you in a codependency with me...

I'm sorry that I didn't believe in myself enough to spare you of my cowardice and selfishness... and am being forced into a period of solitude, because I can't live with myself...

But I will never regret you. Those 2 years were some of the happiest times of my life. And I will always love you, even if it is from a distance.

I'm just sorry I can't be here for you right now...

A Confession...
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Guanfei
    I stopped right at the beginning. You cheated. From there, you're automatically guilty and no reason or excuse you could give is good.
    Not a single one.

    You could have stopped there and it would have been the same. The whole wall of text is just justifying what you did. Justifying something that can't be justified.
    The only good thing out of that story is that now your ex is free to find someone worthy. To him, I wish good luck.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Guanfei

      And of course, all girls are supporting you, how surprising.

    • Lightning8

      It's sad and discouraging to see so many women seem to reverence this as if it is some display of real love.

Most Helpful Girl

  • sarahburberryy
    Daaaaaaaaaaaamn
    Breathtaking ! this is literraly a declaration for your assumed Soulmate and at the same time an apology for your boyfriend. you're in a very complicated situation that i hope not to live. but you have a magical way with words so I salute you for that. Unfortunatly, i have nothing to say but : confront ur boyfriend , he deserves a decent explanation.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

413
  • TheCunningLinguist
    This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.

    Glibness and Superficial Charm

    Manipulative and Conning
    They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

    Grandiose Sense of Self
    Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

    Pathological Lying
    Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

    Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

    Shallow Emotions
    When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

    Incapacity for Love

    Need for Stimulation
    Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

    Callousness/Lack of Empathy
    Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

    Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
    Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

    Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
    Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

    Irresponsibility/Unreliability
    Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

    Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
    Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

    Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
    Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

    Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
    Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
  • Lightning8
    Dude... Monogamy was never about "you're the only one I want", it's about saying "you're the only one I choose".

    That misconception is so pervasive it's probably a big reason why your S. O. got such a bad feeling about you. You just made women who are taken but still have a male best friend look really bad. This certainly doesn't help the "males and females can just be friends" argument.

    What are you gonna do if you find another "soulmate" who's better?
    • Lightning8

      People need to just own that they're just polygamous/polyamorous/non monogamous and stop pretending like they're really about a truly monogamous life. Many people would not have to get their hearts broken if we were collectively upfront about this stuff.

  • nola99
    Dude, you're a fucking cheater period. You fucked with someone's heart and emotions because you're too much of a coward to just talk to him. Then you have the audacity to romanticize the whole thing. Better hope your "soulmate" doesn't fuck you over like you did your boyfriend
  • bulletbob555
    Well cheating isn't a good thing. Your other guy was in basic not exactly the same. You seem to be doing it for good reasons. Every new beginning comes from another new beginning end. Take it slow and keep your eyes open. I could be a little jaded but I heard a couple red flags about the new guy. Old luck
  • GuidoThePizzaMaker
    So you were unhappy with your boyfriend so you cheated?
    Well at least you ended things when he came back from being physically, mentally and emotionally re-wired at boot camp lol
  • Völva
    It’s good that you came out and admitted it. If you want to talk, I’m here for you
  • crazy8000
    That only shows, you wasn't really in love with your ex.

    Coming with excuses and justifications only makes you a shit head. never do that if you want to be taken seriously.
  • Raybert
    The new guy committed suicide? He’s dead and probably not worth your time and a terrible provider.
  • biffthewonderdog
    Sadly enough the way lifetime unraveling it might bejng both
  • handymankw
    Even though I was cheating on several times I just figured she needed something I didn't have but honest is best
  • DashboardLight
    Sorry, I couldn't anything but the sentence ''I cheated on my boyfriend...''
  • Shenzhen_Speed
    You need to break up with your significant other as quickly as possible out of respect for him. Don't even think about going back to him. By the way, your new boyfriend has some serious red flags, and YOU have serious red flags as well. The fact that you are attracted to someone because you feel bad for them is NOT a good sign. Trust me, I know from experience. I have that same bad tendency and it's what got me caught in an abusive relationship for the last decade of my life. I honestly think you should get some therapy before you start dating anyone seriously. Doing something like writing a list of 150+ things you want in a partner years ago and actually referring to that list now is not normal behavior either (nor is writing a really long rant on the internet). I'm not a psychologist, so, seriously, do yourself a favor and find a real one and figure out what's going on with you. This may hurt, but you sound like a trainwreck waiting to happen.
  • ranger962
    Wow what a useless whore. This is why we shouldn't have given you rights.
  • RalphMcDonald40
    Do you really love him?
  • Secret6620
    Great take💗💖
  • nithya11
    You made me believe in love again.
  • Secretgardenblood
    Good take...
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