A Confession...

Anonymous
A Confession...

I did something bad... really bad...

I cheated on my boyfriend... And the worst part is... I don't exactly regret it.

My partner and I have been together for 2 years; and I do love him. I would give my life for him, right this second. You might not believe me... But I really do care about him.

It's not that he was a bad boyfriend... We got along well. He was actually a great one. His worst quality was probably that he was incredibly difficult to get to know. He had trust issues. But he is very sweet, caring, and attentive. We were different, but we were happy...

I was planning on marrying my significant other. He was supposed to propose before he left for boot camp... But he kept putting it off. I asked why he was doing this, and he said "Because I am afraid you won't be here when I get back"... He was always so convinced I would just realize he wasn't worth the effort and just ditch... Our relationship could be... challenging... but I told him that wasn't going to happen.

Then, one day, the most unexpected thing happened: I met my soulmate. He's an INTJ, I am an ENFP. The chemistry was instant. But neither of us acted on it. I was still with my SO, and I tried to bury my feelings. He did, too. We talked about why things could never work out between us; but as much as we did that, I never quite convinced myself. He even lied to me, claiming he didn't see me romantically, just so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable, and to not upset things I had with my SO.

But the chemistry was obvious. People saw us together, and knew we had something different. We just fed each other's enthusiasm and fire for life. It was even awkward, when my SO, him, and I hung out with friends... because he and I just had this chemistry that was undeniable. We joked and laughed in a way that lit up the entire room... It even made my SO uneasy.

I asked my SO if he wanted me to just cut my new friend off entirely. And I meant it... but he said no. After a few months, my SO went to boot camp... and I stayed faithful. I wrote him letters every day (he is still there now). It is taking him twice as long as expected... but he is making progress. And I am incredibly proud of him. He comes home June 14.

But not myself... about a week ago, I was talking to my best friend, and told him since my SO had left, I felt like I could think for myself, and not exclusively about how he felt... For the past 10 months, I had been stuffing and stuffing my feelings... I even said that my SO was the love of my life, but that he was my soul mate. We've always made jokes about being the same person, and if we got too close, we'd fuze together. But I started to question the legitimacy of that.

So, for the first time ever, we tested our theory... He and I kissed... and I instantly knew. He said he knew it was wrong... But it felt like the most right thing he'd done in his entire life. Ever since then, we haven't been able to stop: we sit up at night, and talk for hours about our dreams and aspirations. We share how we see the world, and things we've been through. Everything I have disliked about my body, he loves. And I admire the fuck out of his character, because he has lived the hardest life of any human I have ever personally met. It was so awful, he was self-mutilating by age 8, committed suicide when he was 27, and came back from the other side. And ever since then, he has been an entirely different person: free, and filled with humor and life. I told him I used to be nervous around him because he was everything I had always aspired to be: gentle, kind, humble, passionate and totally independent. He's divorced, after being in a severely abusive relationship for 7 years... and said he never thought he'd date/get married again (and was totally content with it), until he met me; and that he would live this same terrible life 1000 times, as long as I were promised to be in it every time...

I have never felt so ecstatic, understood, or fulfilled in my entire life: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. I made a list in high school of 152 things I wanted in my partner, and he is all of them. I feel like a completely different being, and I can't control myself... He believes I was made for him, and I don't really even believe in soulmates. I don't think God makes people for people: he makes them for Himself. But it is hard to believe that sometimes... because I adore everything about this man, and I can't imagine life without him. His imperfections are perfect to me. And he accepts me in all my anxiousness and squirreliness. I feel like I am visibly glowing sometimes, because my soul is on fire. I have never felt so free or independent, and I never want it to stop.

So I am writing this myTake, to say that I am sorry... I'm sorry, Taco, for lying to you: I'm sorry I broke your trust... I'm sorry I said I'd never leave you, and promised to marry you, when in the end, I can't... I'm sorry that I didn't just wait for my soulmate to show up, and I roped you into the middle of this... because now I have to either hurt you, or lie to myself the rest of my life, when I say "You're the only one I want". I'm sorry that I didn't believe anybody could ever want me as I am, so I wrapped you in a codependency with me...

I'm sorry that I didn't believe in myself enough to spare you of my cowardice and selfishness... and am being forced into a period of solitude, because I can't live with myself...

But I will never regret you. Those 2 years were some of the happiest times of my life. And I will always love you, even if it is from a distance.

I'm just sorry I can't be here for you right now...

A Confession...
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