What Is A Toxic Relationship?

[sheexnagh]

WHAT IS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP?

The word 'toxic' is an explanation on its own, with translations such as 'destructive,' 'unsafe,' and 'harmful.' Relationships should be built on care, trust, and ultimately love. If a relationship is making you anxious and upset more often than not, then that alone is a sign of a toxic relationship. A relationship that is toxic will leave you feeling negative, insecure, unworthy, hopeless, doubtful, and depressed - to merely name a few. It is the absence of peace and irrevocable trust, and the presence of anger and control.

SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

If your partner is making you feel guilty for their own mistakes and trying to reflect blame back onto you, demeaning you and making you question your worth, controlling you, being disrespectful of your personal boundaries, selectively choosing when to be kind to you, making you and your opinions feel devalued or exercising jealousy of you or the choices you make, then it is best to recognise that these are common signs of a toxic, unhealthy relationship.

A toxic relationship is not beneficial - in fact, it can have detrimental effects on your mental and physical well-being. Many victims of a toxic partner will cling desperately to rare positive aspects, and overlook the inappropriate emotional abuse. This is because many do not believe they have the worth, strength or even time to overcome the difficulties in a relationship (which is a result of a toxic partnership in itself) thus leaving it as it is, without taking action.

WHAT TO DO WHEN IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Most importantly, take action - quickly. Get out, escape, leave. Though saying this is certainly easier than doing it, it is still vital to remove yourself from a dangerous partnership. A toxic relationship will not improve in time, and will, in fact, become worse, unless the other person can recognise, accept, and change, which are not common or likely occurrences. More often than not, victims of a toxic relationship are also victims of emotional abuse, which is remarkably calamitous to health. Emotional abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances and suicidal ideation - to name but a few of the harmful effects. Remember that the longer you remain in a harmful relationship, you will only suffer abusive behaviour for prolonged periods of time.

HOW TO RECOVER FROM A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Recovering from an exhausting, unhealthy relationship is never easy - but always possible.

- Take care of yourself.

- Seek support.

- Do things that induce positive, healthy effects.

- Remove unwanted negative behaviour.

- Cut contact with your toxic partner and focus on the most important person right now - you.

- Do not feel guilty or shameful for ending this viscous cycle. Feel proud, strong, and brave. You've accomplished something that many unfortunate others are still struggling with.

- Do not look back with remorse or ideas on how you could have 'improved' your own actions. The person at fault is not you, but the person who made you feel this way.

- Live life with appreciation of the beauty around you, the beauty that you may have overlooked while being in a constant realm of negativity.

It is vital to know that you deserve so much more than how you have been manipulated to believe. Remind yourself that your value has not decreased simply because someone is unable to see your worth.

Though it is difficult and often tedious to recover, the result is beautiful and always worth the fight.

[Anonymous]

I had a guy friend who would do this. Really popular. Everyone loves him. But after knowing him for about a year, he started showing his true comors. He would spin every argument and blame it on me. For instance, one time we agreed that we would meet up at, say, 5pm at his house. Then I did just that, but he wasn't home. I called him several times and finally got ahold of him maybe half an hour later. He said that he was in a meeting that went on for longer than he had expexted. I told him that he should have texted or called me and told me that he's going to be late, or to reschedule completely (BEFORE 5 pm). Then he got mad and told me that I should have called him before making my way to his house. Wtf? What kind of logic is that even? If you agree to meet up at a certain time but you later on realize you can't make it, it's YOUR responsibility to tell me, not my responsibility to always keep up with your schedule on my own. He would do stuff like that all the time, he would never take responsibility for his own mistakes, he would always try to spin it on me. Like he would say really provocative stuff to me, and when I'd get mad at him he'd always complain that I do nothing but try to argue with him. Well if he's consciously trying to put me down or say mean things, then it's obvious as hell that I'm going to react and fight back? It's as if he would get mad at me for just not putting up with his bullshit. Like whenever he would do or say something wrong, and I would calmly try to point out that you can't do/say that because it's offensive, disrespectful, hurtful, mean, rude, blah blah, he would tell me that I'm the problem and that my feelings are my own issue. He could never have an adult conversation without lashing out somehow or subtly trying to make me feel like shit. He could never take responsibility. Very rarely did he actually apologize. Like he'd give some vague excuse or try to shift the blame on me, never actually truly saying "I'm sorry, that was stupid, I shouldn't have done that". Then in the end I told him it just didn't feel like we were friends. I had tried to support him through some rough stuff but he would just disregard me and block me out. Then he gave some vague excuse like "we haven't met up in such a long time I don't think we're friends anymore", like it doesn't matter if you talk and support each other, if you don't meet up then "none of it matters". Again, seriously messed up "logic". He also tried to guilt trip me into...

[Opinion Owner]

... having sex with him, even though he knew I only wanted to have sex with a boyfriend and not casually. He'd tell me that he was feeling unwanted, unloved, as if he wasn't enough for me, that he just wanted to please me. Blah blah. Sob. He knew my limits and I told him to not take it so personally but he went ahead and did it anyway. It took me such a long time to figure out that this stuff was actually abusive since he was so damn sneaky, and would shift so easily between being an amazing guy and being a shady douche. Thank you for this take. Even to this day I've still had some doubts about his "level of toxicity" so to speak. Toxic people are so sneaky. :/

[Entity]

"Relationships should be built on care, trust, and ultimately love."

Wrong.

As a matter of fact most toxic relationships are actually built off of these particular intangibles and that's what makes them so dangerous. Many abused persons love their partners too much to leave, you have the denial problem which is just warped trust to the point where overlooking iniquities becomes the norm, and you've the dependency problem where care goes too far and people become literal slaves.

The tangibles, respectfulness of person, honesty of word, and commitment behind action are all fa, far better gauges. As a matter of fact these are the big ones that show whether a relationship will last or not. Toxic relationships rarely have honest people who come through that are committed to their causes and act in a manner that is truly respectful of all persons.

The reality is that people romanticized everything to the point where they literally build the foundation of poor relationships and hope that the premises don't go sour and the foundations don't just sink deep into the mire of emotional distress. I worry for those who buy into this.

[sheexnagh]

I respect your opinion. However, relationships, I believe, SHOULD be built on care and trust. Care is important, as is trust, as is love. I agree that tangibles, respectfulness, honesty and commitment are important - but when I stated "disrespecting personal boundaries," I think it's rather obvious that respect is vital. I apologize for not stating each and every necessity in the foundation of a good relationship, but I have been subjected to a toxic relationship that lasted many, many years. I am hugely aware of what is important in a good relationship. Trust deteriorated hugely, thus being a prominent factor in the essence of our downfall. I appreciate your input, however, and I sincerely hope that you enjoyed the rest of my article, as it was written with the intention of raising awareness and helping others, which frankly, it has seemed to do.

[Anonymous]

Yes so important! I was in a toxic relationship for just a year but it was a tough year. I realized I wasn't happy anymore for some reason and as I look back on my life I started to realize that it was because of him. It took a while to figure that out and more so to actually get out. He would say stuff such as my butt was too small, my hair was apparently the wrong color, why don't I do this instead of that, everything I did was wrong. I was never good enough for him and he made sure that I would know. Not only was he emotionally abusive but controlling as well.
One day I had enough and decided to become happy so I dropped him just like that. I blocked him everywhere and he got super pissed but I didn't mind, he got what he deserved and I started seeing someone else who was a really sweet guy. He would compliment me etc. and I just thought what I fool I was for wasting a year with my ex who made me feel worthless when I could have met a normal guy like this. My ex disgust me and he can't even face me in person anymore. I love myself and I am proud of myself for dropping him. That's what you need to do you have cut the toxic person off completely. His words don't affect me at all today because I know he was wrong.

[kaminalove]

I was in a toxic relationship and I broke it off because I realized that I was the toxic one... I'm taking steps into working on myself while he continued on with his life.

It got pretty bad to the point he asked for distance, while taking space away. I saw that I was hurting him because I was hurt. (I tend to put my emotions on others. Less now) I didn't want to be that person anymore...

I am doing much better now although it hurts me to live without him. But maybe it's for the best.

Every loss gives space for growth.
I wish him all the best...

[xHeyUx]

It's so easy to blame the other person, and so many do. I've gotta say, I have tremendous respect for someone who recognizes their role in things, owns it and does something about it. You have my respect, and best wishes on a successful future.

[kaminalove]

@xHeyUx Hey thanks for your kind comment! You almost made me cry hahaha. Take care man! :)

[blabli]

wish my ex read this and recognized what a crazy bitch she is and how bad she treated me.

[kaminalove]

@blabli would you forgive her? I apologized to him and walked away. And what would she do?

[blabli]

I need time to forgive her. I onky wish she would apologize or at least show me that she is sorry foe the way she treated me and still tries to treat me. But the fact that she doesn't even gets to the point of saying sorry means she doesn't care about how i feel, that why i say she doesn't love me the way she says she does.

[kaminalove]

@blabli yeah I understand... did you break it off or her?

[blabli]

she became toxic, i stood by hoping for change, she became more and more toxic and blamed it on my and how tired she was of the relationship. She moved away to do college in another city and later broke up with me because she didn't want to try long distance, not even after 3 years together. Now she says i wasn't good in bed, i wasn't a prince charming and all that stuff trying to diminish my role as a boyfriend and yet says she loves me.

[kaminalove]

@blabli oh wow... I think that you are better off without her... Lots of mind games...

Well i have no chance to contact my guy again. I said that I didn't want to be friends and removed him from social media so that I can move on. But he blocked me so I guess he really doesn't want to do anything with me haha. I understand him i guess

[blabli]

Haha alright... my ex and i been talking for a couple of days now. she's been sending pics about us and telling me things like she misses me and im her soulmate and all that crap, i dont take it seriously but i told her the emotional frustration she caused me is noticeable and i dont want to be her friend... She told me is gonna take a long time to get over me and that she loves me even tho her actions say otherwise but i deep down know those feelings will change the second after she finds someone else.

[kaminalove]

@blabli yeah she plays way too many mind games... I'd stay away from her... :/

[blabli]

im going to start fading away through texts... to keep her wondering about me, even tho it won't because obviously she's building up her life at college meeting guys and having fun. I graduated college and im planning on moving to another city soon, so i won't have many friends and my dating life against a college dating life wouldn't be pretty good, she's got the whole advantages of finding someone else and moving on, so im left with my self esteem down while she got hot guys hitting on her (she told me that)

[kaminalove]

@blabli Okay, don't let her ruin you okay. If she tells you that, it means she has no respect towards you and don't expect her to do so any time soon. Work on that self esteem of yours. She probably has those guys jumping at her and she enjoys the attention which means that she has low self-esteem. Your the one who has the advantage because you are the one who is willing to work on himself. I don't know you but I am sure that there isn't anything wrong with you... By taking your distance away from her it means that you respect yourself which is a sign of strength.. Keep that aspect of yourself okay? :) Realize that it was her loss and you needed that kind of person in your life to realize your worth. Take it as a learning experience. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

[blabli]

you know what? those were some beautiful encouraging words :) thank you very much! and yeah, im currently working to build a better version of me to attract a better person.

[kaminalove]

@blabli Very well man :) Take care of yourself.
Be yourself because everyone else is taken ;)

[Anonymous]

This is exactly how I've been living my life with my boyfriend for the past 4.5 years. I've been constantly put down and ridiculed, along with physical abuse. It's honestly very easy to say that you'll escape this type of relationship, but doing it in reality if extremely difficult. I'm still trying to get out for the past year but I'm unable to for many reasons. He's put way too much negativity in my mind where I constantly think everything's my fault when it's not. I have to apologize when it's not my mistake just so he can be happy. But when it comes to me, nothing matters. I feel like I'm his bitch and all he does is use me. I pray I'm out of this mess soon, I'm just so afraid to tell him off.

[sheexnagh]

I am so, so sorry. A very close relative of mine was in a relationship like this for almost ten years, and I witnessed it all. I have also been in a relationship like this, but with my own father. The abuse lasted 6 years. Our relationship is complicated to address, since it's not a 'partnership.' I am still struggling with the aftermaths, and I have had to seek a lot of support, for all of the reasons you stated. I do know first hand how detrimental these relationships are, simply because I have (and still am) experiencing one. I empathize with you from the bottom of my heart and I sincerely hope all will be well for you.

[hifromkai]

I love the way you put this. I don't mean to Pry but are you speaking from experience?

I have known a few relationships like this and I have a friend that is in a volatile relationship with a guy she won't leave. She is in no way even remotely close to being happy he spends all their money and does whatever he wants and they've been together for 5 years and have only had sex a handful of times because 1 he only wants it when he's drunk 2 she doesn't enjoy it and 3 she's not really attracted to him

She is a lovely girl but she doesn't believe that anyone else would want her so she's settling for whatever is there essentially

[Anonymous]

Generally any abusive relationship and there's big problems but somehow they don't end or they end being an on and off relationship.

I've never been in a toxic relationship but this one girl who used me as a rebound, used me to get back at her on and off ex of 6 years. Not only does she get abused by him but she cheats on him too and she told me about how he treats her like shit, abuses and uses her and then it's like first he's the biggest piece of shit in her mind then all of a sudden he's the greatest guy ever and no one lives up to him.

This girl manipulated me so much and no wonder she's so fucked in the head.

[peachblossomluck]

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be in another toxic relationship. Those kind of relationships can completely ruin your health. I would know!

[Anonymous]

I was in a toxic relationship recently and we broke it off and it was only a few months later i realized that I was the one who was putting him down all the time. I regret not being with him and unfortunately my friends put rubbish in my mind and made me feel like he had trust issues. I learnt my mistakes and it makes me feel sad that i lost out. Nice take though.

[sheexnagh]

Thank you! I apologize - that sounds difficult. Hope all is well for you.

[truthhammer]

i didn't read it.

its basically a relatioship where there are obvious big probems and its not addressed.

so the tension keeps growing causing stress and your heart starts telling you theyre not the one and you're not even sure if its something you should listen to because you're so attached but so in pain cause of it.

its an accumlation of solutionless and or neglected issues in a relatinoship

[OpenWine]

Nice topic. Kind of interesting to me for research purposes.

How long do you think the downsides of coming out of a toxic relationship can last? Do you think the founder of the toxic relationship could feel the downsides aswell and is a toxic person able to be cured? (I feel the last one answers itself)

[sheexnagh]

Hey.

It depends on the severity of the relationship. I myself have been in an extremely severe toxic relationship, and I am currently struggling with a lot of the aftermath. It is difficult. I think the founder can most definitely feel the downsides, yes. It can be extremely hard for the founder also.

Some toxic people can be 'cured' so to speak, but many abusive people are not willing to change and are unable to accept their wrongdoings as wrongdoings. Once again, it depends on the person.

Thanks for your comment!

[Anonymous]

The bad thing is that toxic guys can be some of the sexiest guys out there. I dated this athlete who was totally sexy and socially amazing, but behind closed doors he got possessive even though he cheated on me with other girls. It was so, so hard to break free of him, though, because he was so hot and the sex was amazing. Good sex is hard to give up, even when the guy himself is a disaster. Girls usually give sexy guys with big dicks too many second chances.

[Stacyzee]

Yes, this is pretty obvious. However , some people need to be reminded of what to do in situations like this because often times they are blinded by love or refuse to see the corruption that has been caused.

Good take <3 !

[sheexnagh]

I agree, many happenings are obviously not okay. But I find from experience that founders of toxic relationships often twist their own wrongdoings into behavior that can be viewed as 'acceptable,' or refuse to take responsibility for their behavior and cause the other person to feel guilty for mistakes that are not their own.

Thank so much! <3

[Luvme66]

Hey... I have never been in a relationship; but I just don't get it, if they have a weak foundation (trust, care and love as u say), then why would intiate such relationship in first play?

please do explain... thanks in advance

[sheexnagh]

Hi there. I believe love drives a relationship, ultimately. Relationships are commonly initiated (but not always) because of feelings of love. Now, love is evidently not the only thing that is vital - but it's prominent.

I hope this answers your question!

[Luvme66]

I see thanks

[pavlove]

The toxic person too I feel improves once they're left by their codependent "victim." Losing someone because of your crappy attitude can be a big wake up call

[archiz]

Good job^&
"Remind yourself thay your value has not decreased simply becauae someone is unable to see your worth." Well said👏

[dudeman]

a toxic relationship is one where she talk back to me.

[Anonymous]

This is perfect I love it. I needed this right now. Creepily accurate.

[TrooperD007]

It's something that's not going anywhere real fast!!

[Anonymous]

Toxic Relationship -- A relationship involving a woman.

[Stacyzee]

So, I assume you are gay then.

[Anonymous]

I thought it's when both people like britney spears

[BelleGirl21]

Good take. Hits a little close to home 😕

[archiz]

Oww damn it :/