For Those Ever In An Abusive Relationship Or Think They May Be...

[bbch25]

Disclaimer: because this is about me, and my perspective and I'm a gir,l I will just refer to male abusers and I'll say "he". But I also am aware not all men are the same, I have a current boyfriend who's great, so any generalisations are for the sake of convenience not malice. I also know there are female abusers out there. This isn't everything, probably not even written that well but if it can help one person or even just enlighten one person, then it's not a failure!

So, this is a bit of my story, a bit of things I have noticed that occur when people enter relationships with someone who is an abusive guy.

At the start, it's really nice, he'll know how to compliment you, buy you things, want you around all the time perhaps and you'll feel like you're falling really quick because they'll appear to be falling too.

And things slowly turn, well for me it felt slow. It started with subtle manipulations of those emotions and compliments, sly insults thrown in but so sly you don't even notice it, but it still hits you. They don't want to meet your friends or family and would prefer you not do it either. And by this point you like them, so you don't want your family not to like them so you respect their choice perhaps. But, if you question it, they'll tell you off.

Eventually those manipulations really get into your head, and you start to believe your worth is not that great, and that this may be the best boyfriend you're going to get in life, so just suck it up, those nice moments are worth it.

This is my situation, not all, he may turn to financial abuse. For me, it started with we'd go to the supermarket and he'd offer to buy me a drink and I'd say no, because I couldn't pay him back (was unemployed at that point) and he'd say "that's ok, I've got it" so I'll say ok thanks. Then a few months in when I got a job he told me "you owe me about $500 for all the crap I had to buy". Never had he made it clear those drinks/food/dinners were a loan.

Other small things I didn't notice, but after reading other stories related to mine.. he would buy a lot of chocolate or your junk food of choice for you to eat, making you gain weight, to again toy with your insecurities and make you less desirable. Those may not be the best choice of words but hey - I'm tired!

These things would all turn into fights, and at the start it was a simple shove, maybe a grab too tight. Eventually it would turn into a push. This inevitbly led to being slapped across the face which itself would get harder and harder.

At nights, he'd sit on his phone and just not care, during the days if he wasn't at work, he'd sit on his phone. If I ever said something he'd tell me off. Once he left his facebook open and he got a message from a name I recognised (I didn't need to touch anything to see it). He had a folder I had found about a week before with 1003 photos and 9 videos (that kind of number you remember) from this one girl, all nudes. And when I saw her messaging, which he told me was over, I didn't feel bad to read it.. and then I saw he'd been talking that whole time.

To get to my final point; if you are in this situation, whether male or female, if you have any of these happen to you, or you notice signs like he refuses to meet your family and he gets angry at the idea of it, or won't meet them again, if he starts to get angry that you want to go see friends, looks like he wants to hit you but may "control himself" - he won't forever, is playing with your emotions in any way.

You don't deserve that. You are worth more than that.

I became a person I hated, when I finally left, I felt broken, I didn't trust anyone, all I wanted to do was snoop through phones, and know what people were saying or doing. I hated that person. I spent a year like that, wondering why, or how I could do that. I realised, it wasn't my fault, he was a bad guy. I realised he managed to play with all my emotions, my insecurities at my vulnerable time in life.. because that is what abusers do. And then for the year following that I became better, I knew I'd never get into a relationship until I would not have the urge to go through a phone, because no partner (guy in my case) deserves that. And now, I have a boyfriend, he told me he had a previous girlfriend that lasted 7 years and I didn't care. He mentions his ex's my first thought doesn't go to insecurities and "oh god he totally likes them still".

You can overcome it. But it's nothing to be ashamed of. People see us as weak for being in that situation. But you aren't. You are someone who has been stripped down to your bare self and mentally tortured into believing that is all you deserve, but they do it with the skill of a surgeons scalpal.

I believe you're strong to survive it, strong to leave it, and stronger to overcome it and accept it.

[Sara413]

My brother was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and I totally know what you mean about being stripped down. He was a fucking she'll of a man by the time he left... it was really painful to watch the relationship turn that way.

When they first started dating I absolutely loved that girl - she was funny, smart and seemed really sweet and genuine. But after they moved in together the unnecessary and cruel criticisms began... she made him feel stupid and like he was lucky to have her. She kept him walking on egg shells always thinking about what she might say or think about anything he did. He was constantly worried about passing her off. It was like he could never do anything right.

[bbch25]

That's absolutely horrible. Good on your brother to be able to get out of that, hopefully he can find real love and trust again!
I'm sure he's lucky to have someone like you to support him after it too.

[Johnson123]

@Sara413 That's sucks to hear :( i know someone (a guy) who was in that same situation somewhat. He was like the happiest dude but after a year, there was a difference in him that was negative. Luckily he broke up with the girl but all he wanted to do was make her happy.

[bbch25]

@Johnson123 He sounds genuinely great, and that is so bad for him. Hopefully he got back to being the happy guy he is and meets someone equally happy!

[Spiorad_Aisce]

Educational story - A number of things go through my mind, you don't really know what a situation is like unless you have experienced it - I often think these sort of takes are not the big "Public Service Announcement" type of take but more if one person goes "Yes that is what is happening to me. I thought it was abuse but now I am sure. Maybe I can start building up the courage or take the first step towards walking away, freeing myself", you have done your job well and might not even realise you did it.
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[bbch25]

Thank you, I had never written a take before, and I wasn't even sure where I was going with it when I started. Part of me wanted to say my story out loud for the first time, and part of me knew that there are people out there who may read it, and may get that courage to know their self worth.
Thanks for reading and your comment! Means a lot.

[Darkfairie17]

Thank you for sharing your experience! I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. It's quite shocking how things escalate. I never thought I would ever be in that kind of situation and there are still people who don't know. I'm too embarrassed to tell them and also afraid they would blame me.

It's good to hear other people's experiences so we know what behaviours to look out for!

[bbch25]

It is really hard to talk about it. I was worried I'd get some replies like "it's your fault" "should've left" blah blah, and I'm glad I didn't. I have a friend who asks me questions to understand but she just never will I don't think and I hope she never does.

I just know it takes time, starts with admitting it to yourself, then perhaps a stranger like me, then a friend... Eventually you'll be able to tell a new boyfriend (like I did 2 days ago) and you'll be comfortable again.
People just don't understand, but the one's that are supportive are always good.

[Darkfairie17]

I feel more comfortable telling people I don't know as well about it than I do sharing that information with people I do know. I'm not really sure what that says about some of my friends. I just think some of them won't get it or won't understand. Most of my friends are lucky, they are in happy and healthy relationships. And they met their SO's very young. I've been struggling in relationships for years. Been with several guys who were not good. Only one who was abusive, but I've also been cheated on. So I just feel like they won't get it and I don't want to have to justify my life to them. It's just easier for me to not talk about it with them and vent to strangers and talk with people who do understand.

[bbch25]

I get what yo umean. I have one friend who I've spoken to about it in quite detail and she just doesn't get it. She always asks the questions (innocently) regarding "why did you stay" etc. And part of me is scared that people will change, my current boyfriend and I we joke that we're being abusive to each other (that's out of context but it is funny), and I was worried he'd stop making those jokes or get all weird when I told him about my ex, and he didn't. Some people handle it better than others.
But it's your business, and if you have a way to let out those emotions to strangers, then it's better than nothing!

[Anonymous]

A girl knew i liked her, she started toying with me enjoying attention from me daily for like one month. When i found out i told her i dont want anything from you anymore, she tried to trick me into thinking she didn't know she was abusing me, when i made it clear that i literally dont anything from she showed her claws and told me it is who im and i won't change who im because of anyone, either accept it or stop talking to me. I felt weak for weeks, then realized it is her fault for being bad, and now im single but still doing better without her.

[bbch25]

Wow that's quite horrible, I hear stories of women in relationships that aren't physically abusive but they do things like fake pregnancies, or intentionally get pregnant etc to keep a boyfriend. It's just horrible.
I'm glad you got away from that! I can imagine it may be harder to recognise the signs if they aren't physical too.

[stardust101]

Good job for overcoming this!! Right after I left my ex husband, he told me I'm going to find someone worse than him... I don't believe him.

[bbch25]

Well, if he's willing to say that, and he became an ex for a reason, I'm sure you'll find much better!
But thank you.

[Anonymous]

Hit me right on spot. It makes me so angry. It's been a little more than a year but I am still affected by it, sadly..

[bbch25]

Yeah, I spent a year being angry. Even 2.5 years later, I'm completely happy with my new boyfriend but every now and then I want to cry a little at the fact I went through it, at the fact someone so nice was out there for me and I was with him back then...
There is no time limit on how long it takes a person, if you ever want to message I'm happy to talk!

[Careless_Whisper]

But a lot of the time it's family and friends that break up people's relationships by interfering all the time.

[bbch25]

That is true, and that's why abusive people never want you seeing them because they know that family/friends could get into your head and make you realise.
I unfortunately had quite crappy friends at the time (which I discovered). When I called them to ask for help, which that took a lot for me to do, they hung up on me.
So I guess, people don't always have that lifeline which is unfortunate for some!

[Careless_Whisper]

It's not as black and white as that. Sometimes non-abusive men don't like their girlfriend seeing their friends is because their friends might be a bad influence. Many years ago me and my girlfriend were in a good relationship, but she changed work places and made new friends, but her friends started dragging her into things and eventually our relationship came to an end. Very often women allow their friends to ruin a good relationship.

[bbch25]

I thought you meant they end the bad relationships.
Yes, they do what you meant as well. It can be sad that people let their friends do that, especially if the relationship is a good one and you were happy. We're such an approval seeking race typically that when a number of people disagree with your relationship, and those people matter, you're inclined to end it - for no real reason.
That sucks for you, hopefully you get someone better and smarter than that.

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend keeps telling me to change my hair. I dont want to but she won't stop telling me to.

[bbch25]

Well that's not fair. Unless she is genuinely trying to say that your style doesn't suit you and she means it nicely, even then though, you say it once and it's your decision. Hopefully she stops, could be a sign of an underlying control issue, or she just genuinely hates your hair.

Either way, keep it if that's what you want!