What It's Like Having Jealousy Issues and Why Shaming Doesn't Help

[Anonymous]

So first of all I will come out and admit that yes, as you have probably guessed, I do have some jealousy issues. What could have brought these on?

Well there's no way of being entirely certain but it may be to do with the fact I was cheated on by an ex (who wasn't even going to tell me) and who I thought loved me; the fact I have been lied to or otherwise betrayed in different ways by certain family members; people who I thought were my true friends, and even teachers and thus I have trust issues; plus the fact I was verbally bullied a lot during my first year of college and thus a mixture of these things may have caused me to feel like I am never good enough for anyone. There have been other scenarios too where I have been left out in certain friend groups or replaced.

I could be wrong but I believe there could well be a connection between these experiences and my feelings of jealousy.

So what sort of things make me jealous?

Well: If my boyfriend mentions a female friend (my ex cheated on me with a female friend, plus I have read/watched many an article/video that when heterosexual man and woman are close friends one usually ends up liking the other), if I suspect he likes another girl, if he likes a picture of another girl, or if we are watching a film or something with a pretty woman in and I wonder if he likes her (I know it's silly).

So why do I feel jealous about those things?

Well, I know my boyfriend doesn't seem the kind to cheat but I just fear he will like someone else more than me but not break up with me because of it: and thus I am stuck being with someone who would rather be with someone else; I am only #2 to my #1. There I am, talking about how much I love my boyfriend and how great he is, daydreaming over pictures of him, writing him love letters, being loyal as I can to him, kissing him, hugging him, telling him how much he means to me and falling more and more in love with him.. While I am completely unaware that he secretly wishes to be with someone else. I waste my time and make myself look like an idiot. I come only 2nd best to my boyfriend. I am no longer special (or as special) to him...

That's what I fear.

How does the jealousy feel?

Fucking horrible - It makes you feel annoyed, sad, scared, like you're not good enough and that you should stop getting all lovey-dovey with them because you're just making yourself look like an idiot since you think they like someone else. You see all the good in the other person and all the bad in yourself. Your brain tells you "They obviously like that other girl/guy more but just don't want to tell you. That other guy/girl is so much more attractive/nicer/cooler/funnier than you! You're unattractive/a bad person/boring/awkward. They are superior to you. It's no wonder your bf/gf likes them and how dare your bf/gf treat you this way! They should just be honest and break up with you. But then it's not like people haven't replaced you before which means it's not them, it's you. You are so replaceable and you're never going to stay being any guys/girls #1 because you're rubbish and there are so much nicer people out there than you!"

How do I deal with jealousy?

Well here's the thing: I don't always know exactly how. I mainly just talk to my boyfriend about it if I have any concerns, ask questions, he reassures me, but then sometimes I have to get him promise on my life that he is telling the truth before I can actually believe him. I also sometimes note down or screenshot stuff he says that I find reassuring to look back on when I worry.

This does not always help though as sometimes that fear is still there I may think that even if he truly does only love me now, that he will end up liking someone else but not break up with me because of it. I have also thought that maybe he just promised on my life to shut me up but doesn't actually believe in it.

Sometimes, I feel too embarrassed to even admit to him at all when I am jealous plus get nightmares about him liking someone else or me getting jealous over something.

Now I understand it's not always good to be jealous and believe me, I don't like it! But I just haven't learned how to handle it and am also very sensitive.

What doesn't help is when people shame others for being jealous: "Jealousy is childish", "Jealous people just aren't mature enough to handle the situation", "Jealousy is unattractive", "The relationship isn't going to last if you don't trust them", "Your partner has jealousy issues? You should dump them", "Jealousy is pathetic" etc.

Stuff like that does not help at all, all it does is heighten my negative emotions by making me feel shame, even more anxiety that my boyfriend will leave me in place of someone else, like I am a bad person, hated on, alone and misunderstood (possibly extra anger due to this).

I don't trust anyone fully but have a higher level of it for my boyfriend than I do with a lot of people but that doesn't stop the fear of him liking someone else.

Being shamed for feeling jealous does not help at all. What I would like is understanding and advice. Some people can handle jealousy better than others but others (like me) seem to be more sensitive to it.

Please do not shame people for feeling jealous because for some it is more difficult to handle and feels bad enough as it is. I would really appreciate if next time anyone reading this spoke to someone who felt jealous, they tried to understand and reassure that person rather than shame them, maybe give them advice on how they handle jealousy since some people just have a harder time dealing with it and can't always help that very much since it's how their mind works.

My main reason for writing this post was to try to get people to be more understanding of the problem and less people to shame.

Sorry for any grammar errors and if this was a bit long but thank you for reading.

[waneed]

great job expressing exactly how you feel. Im a guy and suffer greatly from this, probably from being cheated on in the past as well. And i think my current wife didn't help much either when we started dating constantly singing her ex's praise unlike what normal people do when talking about why theyre exs didn't make the cut. (it weird like "reverse shaming" cause it causes you to compare yourself to them. example "my last boyfriend was a doctor" my thoughts im an electrician thats not good enough. Or "i had sex with a guy who had a black guys dick" my thoughts Im average but thats not good enough) A shrink once told her she might do that as a way to not feel stupid for being with them because must of the shit she's said was the BS they told her. like the dude was a rad tech not a doc. Today im totally depressed and dont trust her one lick. She has prove before to not be the most loyal when it comes to having my back when im not a round and someone who puts others down to make themselves look better. BUT i have a kid with her and to just break it off isn't so easy. Wish these feelings to go away or to be out of this relationship was possible.