This is another update of a myTake that I posted perhaps a year ago. For some reason, the original version of this myTake did not stir any interest among users and I had only one reply posted. I don’t understand, because the topic should be extremely important for anyone who ultimately wants to find a successful long term relationship (and I think that is an overwhelming majority of the users on this site.)
As I stated in my previous myTake, the ingredients of a successful LTR are:
L = mutual Love and Lust
T = mutual Trust
R = mutual Respect
Yesterday, in the first installment of this update, I wrote about lust and love. That was an easy, fun topic to cover. Today, I am going to talk about trust. (Brief serious music!)
Trust is essential in long term relationships. Most of us have at least some minimal insecurities about our ability to hold on to a mate, and every relationship encounters circumstances which test those insecurities. Regardless of the intentions of your partner, sometimes an outsider can take some action which presents some element of temptation. What happens when your partner is required to travel for their work? If you don’t trust your partner, this situation can cause a major challenge for your relationship.
I am really attracted to petite, intelligent blondes. What if we hire a petite, intelligent blonde lady in my office? My girlfriend knows my taste in women; she is an intelligent blonde lady but she is 5’ 8”. Will she freak out about these working conditions? I can't change my work location without seriously disrupting my career. I really need her to trust me. (In 43 years of being sexually active, I have never been unfaithful to any girlfriend or spouse.)
Sometimes, circumstances arise which require one partner to act on behalf of both partners. Guys, what if you have children and then die before your children are grown? Would you trust your partner to be a good single parent and finish raising your children? Girls, what if you must go take care of your elderly parents for a few weeks and you are leaving your extremely hot, seductive 18 year old daughter at home with your husband (her step-father?)
So . . . what does it mean to say that my girlfriend trusts me? Does it mean that she buries her head in the sand and completely ignores the possibility that I might be attracted to the new receptionist? No, not at all. It means that when she does consider that possibility, she will not linger and agonize over the possibility that I will falter. No, she will feel justified in quickly concluding that she does not need to worry about my devotion to her, that I will do the right thing. And trust encourages more trust!
Is it rational to trust a person in that way? The answer to that question does not matter, because relationships have great difficulty surviving without trust; I know because my ex-wife had a pathological jealousy and completely unfounded mistrust of me. It is similar to religious faith; we cannot conclusively prove that we should trust our partner but we trust because our heart wants to trust, we know we cannot have relationships without trust, and we pray that our trust will not be violated.
How does trust develop? Trust is a concept that is not unique to romantic relationships and it may be easier to examine trust in the context of a different type of relationship, our earliest experience with trust. We first learned about trust in our parent-child relationships and all of us have had parents, so let's look at parent-child relationships.
Of course there are parents who are lousy parents and there are children who are absolutely psychotic. Those people have relationships that are different, but in the normal parent-child relationship, children implicitly trust their parents. They trust their parents without question.
Why? Parents have been in a child's life forever. They have always provided for the child's physical needs. They have nurtured and consoled the child and their love has been expressed consistently. The important elements, I think, are that the child knows he or she is loved and the parent has a consistent pattern of letting the child know that their needs are important to the parent.
Applying these ideas to romantic relationships, real trust requires that your partner know that you love them. Of course your partner needs to hear you tell them that you are in love with them, but it is not enough to simply tell them. They need to see your love reflected in the way that you treat them, and they need to see that consistently. Most of us extend trust when we truly feel that we are loved, because we know that love motivates a person to do the right thing for their partner.
What can you do to regain trust when it has been violated? Nothing. Trust is like virginity; you have it until you lose it and then you never ever have it again. Trust is extended on faith and that requires that your partner not have any reason to question your motivations. Once you have lost their trust, they will always pause to wonder if you are going to repeat your previous violation and the willingness to make themselves vulnerable by trusting you again is unlikely to arise.
Trust is a precious gift that your love gives to you. Treasure it, protect it, nurture it, never violate it, and your relationship will not only survive but actually thrive. This is not an easy imperative to heed but the rewards are lasting satisfaction and contentment with your partner.
Most Helpful Opinions