I need to start off did I ever believe that I could love anyone after losing the love of my life? Absolutely not. I met my husband when I was 28 years old. We got married when I was 30. We had a great life, nothing could separate us, we had an unbreakable bond. We had children and then the unthinkable happened. When he was 38 years old he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. It didn't matter there wasn't anything that was going to separate us, not ever. He managed to go 2 1/2 years cancer free and we thought he had a good chance of beating it. During a routine exam they found a spot and we were like ok no biggie, surgery and things will be ok. Not so easy. We found out that surgery was not an option, just chemo. I was 39 years old he was 41. We had 3 small children 9, 7, and 3. He did chemo for 10 months and they determined there was nothing to be done any more. Now my children were 10, 8 and 4. They lost their dad after a long battle that sucked. I lost my best friend.
I remember people I called my friends saying after he passed was I going to date I was so young. My response was are you crazy? He was the love of my life. So about 3 years after his passing I admit I was getting very lonely. Do I love my kids? Absolutely, but there was something missing from my life. I decided to try dating. I found a high school boyfriend and we started dating. I did it for about a year and a half and I just wasn't happy the way I thought I should feel. So I ended our relationship. I met another person and I felt happy, he liked to be around my kids. He seemed to accept them as I was a package deal not just me, no weekends at dad's, they were mine all the time. We went out for about a year and a half and he decided it wasn't what he wanted. I was heartbroken.
About 4 months went by and I needed a part for my car so I walk in on a Sunday after a night of drinking and asked the guy about the part. He tells me they don't have it and it's something that would need to be ordered from the dealer. Although he said here's my number I'll go online to see if I can find it for you cheaper. Now being a complete idiot, I had no idea he gave me his number because he found me attractive. We started talking and we dated for about 8 months. He was 20 years younger. I was happy but due to some unfortunate circumstances he decided to walk away. Talk about heart broken I was.
So in the mean time I had this great friend from high school that I talked to on Facebook. For what it's worth, there are some good qualities about Facebook. So during that time when I was having trouble I would ask his opinion on what to do and how to handle things. He was my friend. So that ended and I was like ok I'll try online dating. Well, I met someone 16 years younger. I liked the guy but after a couple dates he said he needed to work on himself before he could commit or date someone else. I viewed this as another disaster. Back to advice from my friend, in the mean time he had broken up with his long time on again and off again girlfriend. So we started talking and decided we could text or call each other.
He texts me one night and says I need to get away can I come spend the weekend with you? I'll get a hotel room we can go out to dinner, have some drinks, and then we can go hike or whatever you want. I was like sure come on up. We live a couple hours away from each other. Well he forgot his sister was graduating from college so we decided to change our plans and I would go meet up with him. Our first meeting, I was amazed at the generosity of this man. He opened his house to me, made me feel at home, and when I left he texted me right away to say he had a great time. Our next date I spent the weekend at his house and all I can say is he was affectionate, sweet, caring and loving. I was the most relaxed I had been since I couldn't even say when.
Needless to say we have been dating for the last 3 months. He is my best friend. I love him with all my heart and I couldn't be happier. So for my friends who asked me so long ago was I going to date and my answer was no, it took time. Am I over losing my husband, my best friend? No. Some days are easier than others and there are days it feels like my heart has gotten ripped out again.
For the new man in my life: I try every day to be better than before and show you I love you a little more. It takes time because I do not want to lose you. I want what we have to last forever. I do love you even when I seem closed off or scared to death to admit if I had to go without you in my life I think I would die. I just want you to know that there is always a possibility to find love again. Thank you Facebook and most of all thank you to the man who found me loveable when I didn't think I could love again. I will never forget all you have done for me. Thank you for being my very best friend. I love you Mark!