Demisexuality: How It Works as An Adult

During my years at the university, I focused more on my studies than I did my romantic relationships. But along the way I've made amazing friends that I still keep contact with even after I graduated and moved away. But there was one thing that bothered me throughout college: having a relationship. I never understood (even during High School) how two people could get together and just...be...and not get tired of each other's presence. The romance confused me because I saw it as something tiring and expelling unnecessary energy. I'm terrible when it comes to romantic acts, so why should I make an effort? I never really understood until my best friend and I had one of our many serious talks about communication.

Demisexuality: How It Works as An Adult

Communication is perhaps one of the most important aspects that helps a person maintain their relationship, no matter if it's with a romantic interest or with a family member. Not only that, but relationships are a two way street; both partners have to make an effort to keep the relationship going. I remember saying, "That's not me. I'm not prepared to start a relationship." Even now, despite having most of my life together, I still believe that I'm not ready for a relationship. To me, starting a relationship means having commitment to each other, sharing your thoughts without judgement------being able to piece a puzzle together by communicating and coordinating with each other.

All of this was hard for me because I was new to the dating game. My friends did it and they dated a lot, so maybe I should try and put myself out there. It didn't go how I imagined it or planned it. Here's how it happened in stages:

Demisexuality: How It Works as An Adult

1. Trust Issues

I figured out not too long ago that I'm Demisexual and that simply means that I have to have a meaningful connection with a person before I get to the sexual part of a relationship. At the time I didn't know this. I would become amazing friends with a guy and later he would confess that he liked me. The man would want to start a serious relationship (and sex was a natural part of it for whatever reason). I don't trust people easily, especially when it comes to starting a relationship. I need to know and be completely sure of myself when I start something. I'm sure any person would agree that you need to be comfortable to even think of sex with a new partner. Trust is important and even more so for myself.

Demisexuality: How It Works as An Adult

2. Sex...but wait...

I don't know how some people can have one-night stands. I mean, you do you, but even if I wonder about it sometimes, I wouldn't actually try and have sex with a person I just met. I can't. The thought of it just makes me look the other way and I keep walking. To be honest, the only time I've ever considered having sex is with the male friends that I've kept in contact over the years because I see them as potential partners. It sounds terrible, I know, but I've known them long enough that I'm comfortable talking with them. Why go through the awkward conversation with a stranger, when I could just be normal around a person I know.

Demisexuality: How It Works as An Adult

3. Being New to the Game

Like I said earlier, I'm sort of new to the dating game so I haven't experienced enough emotions to pin a certain word to it. I cannot tell you how many times I've gone back and forth in my head about making a decision on dating a person. It's not fun, it makes my chest and my head hurt. I knew this guy in college (I still keep contact) who said that he liked me and suddenly we're making out. I had to stop him somewhere along the line because although it felt amazing, my head was telling me "you just met him a few months ago, what the fuck girl". I honestly had no idea how to go about this and had to talk with my best friend because let's face it, I was an emotional disaster. I couldn't differentiate between love and lust. One week later, I determined that it was lust and said "no". This brings me to the next one...

Demisexuality: How It Works as An Adult

4. Love or Lust

Love is emotional, and lust is physical. The simplest way to explain it without making an entire article about it. I know what love is and I know what lust is (definition wise), but actually feeling it was another thing entirely. Lusting has more to do with a person's physical appearance and whether or not they turn you on. For the life of me, it took me one week of twiddling my thumbs and talking with my best friend to figure out what I wanted. Again, I was new to this; I was confusing my infatuation with love. I mean who wouldn't? Guy walks up to you says, "Hey babe, you're really fine. I wanna make you all mine." showering you with passionate words and compliments------I was a complete sucker for compliments. Wouldn't you want to be called beautiful/handsome?

Demisexuality: How It Works as An Adult

What Did We Learn?

Absolutely nothing was learned. To this day I'm still trying to figure this out. There are a lot more factors that I didn't mention, but it was all too complicated so I focused more on work. One day, while I'm playing video games, I get an email to chat. Turns out this guy is amazing. I've talked with him, messaged, video chat...I communicated. I was unsure what to think about this because he also wanted a relationship. When I thought about starting something, I get a call from an old friend. I talk with him, but I don't say anything about this new guy because who wants to hear that? Halfway through our talk, I realized something: I was more comfortable and open with my guy friend than I was video chatting some random person. Hell, I didn't even consider my best friend, "my best friend" until 4 years later and a lot of hanging out. I was so busy trying to start a relationship that I never considered my own comfort and need for a strong connection with someone. One day, I hope I find that strong connection. One step at a time...


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What Guys Said 25

  • I don't think that demisexuality is a real thing. I think that some people just have more of an emotional attachment to sex while others have less. You're just one of those people who feels more.

    I think you're over-thinking this whole thing, especially with the last paragraph. You say that you felt more comfortable talking to your close friend than a random person - this is nothing out of the ordinary. It's completely normal to feel this way when first getting to know someone, even for those who for example do have one night stands and things like that.

    If you're going to find that strong connection with someone, you have to get to know new people and go through that first phase where you're just getting to know each other, as with the guy you were talking with after video gaming, because a strong connection obviously takes time. I don't know what happened with that guy but if you just dismissed that guy because you felt more comfortable with your friend, you might have just missed out on an opportunity to create that strong connection with him, for no real reason. All you have to do there is take it slow, that's all.

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    • Thank you for the comment. I agree about the demisexuality and the connection with people on a larger scale. I'm actually not too big on identifying myself as one, but if it ever comes down to it, then I'll know what to say.

    • If you’re not comfortable labeling yourself demisexual, why do it? You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your sexuality.

    • @VoteVoteVote
      You are right. I don't own anyone an explanation for my sexuality. However, there are people in the world who are too stubborn and want answers. This is my answer for them. It satisfies them and helps me escape from them lol

  • "DEMI - sexual " ? WTF... this is the same thing women have claimed they are like deep inside, since time began !! This is standard deviation curve stuff with a terrible new name! I gotta laugh... demi-sexual. *eyeroll*

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    • There's a word for everything now. It's kinda funny.

    • Don't contribute to it by using it. It's bullshit.

  • isn't demisexuality just the average female sexuality? xD

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    • It is, but I guess today we need a label for everything.

    • yeah as if the labels we had would say any different than the new labels xD

    • Yes! ^0^

  • tf is a demisexual, you people just make shit up to feel important, why don't you do something with your life so you are actually important, instead of pretending to be.

    What am I suppose to feed your insecurity of you not actually holding real value in this society, I might as well call you a fairy or a unicorn.

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    • Hahaha. So true. the bisexual flag waving in Canadian cities in July is retarded. Replacing the Canadian flag. It's not a fucking country. I have so much more to offer the world then that time I bit another man's neck while drunk. It's not a great contribution to the world, no one cares.

  • At least you can get your foot in the door with guys. Try being a guy who needs a strong emotional connection with a girl before I even decide whether I wanna go out on a date with her. Women expect guys to initiate everything so while they're waiting for me to get things started, I'm waiting for some sort of connection that can never come because neither of us has made a move. It's really a catch-22.

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  • What did i learn? That apparently I'm a "demi sexual" and apparently there is a word called demisexual to describe needing an emotional and personal connection.

    I always just said the latter, that sex is nothing without emotion to it.

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  • Nice take - I think there is a lot more people who feel like this than people think - I suppose only answer is to keep going and forget about everything else , do what makes you feel comfortable not what society/family/peers expect.

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    • I feel like more people are antagonistic to the word rather than what it stands for too. Kind of silly if you ask me. I didn't even know it existed before today, and i tend to hate labelling everything but this makes it easier. Then again having to explain it doesn't i guess. And simply saying I need an emotional connection in order to enjoy sex would be quicker and easier.

  • This is how it works: you go see a psychologist and seek help. I am fed up with every form of dysfunction being paraded as a healthy identity.

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  • Demisexuality isn’t actually a sexual orientation, it’s a sexual behavior but it doesn’t determine which sex a person is attracted to. There are straight, gay and bisexual people who exhibit such behavior.

    However, most of the people that are demisexuals are women, hence many women saying that they need a emotional connection before they can actually find a man attractive. This could also explain why people say that women aren’t “visual” when it comes to attraction, a simple sight of a random shirtless man won’t get them sexually aroused because they lack a “emotional connection” with the man.

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  • There's nothing wrong with being a demisexual. Thanks for explaining how it works.

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What Girls Said 17

  • “Demisexual”is not real. It’s just that you want to have an emotional connection and attraction to someone before having sex with them, which is perfectly normal and how it should be. There shouldn’t be a name for this because it’s something that a lot of people would be and not a minority of people. whoever came up with the word for it just has nothing better to do.

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    • A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form an emotional connection. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close, emotional, relationship is formed. It is normal for people?

    • 4d

      @deliriousmistakess For certain personality types, yeah it is. It can also be the same for people with trust or rejection issues (MUCH more likely that that's the root cause). But there's tons of reasons why someone could feel like that. It's an interesting concept but there seems to be a lot of holes in the theory.

  • I bet your parents raised you right here don't regret that because you needed to focus on your studies and girls and shit like that are just a distraction

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  • A long while ago I attempted this question and got completely trashed bashed and whatever else. Mentioning a very specific type of sexual attraction is useful in the dating world. I don't want to waste time just as those who are EXTREMELY wild with their sex lives.

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  • "Demisexual and that simply means that I have to have a meaningful connection with a person before I get to the sexual part of a relationship. "

    LITERALLY 90% OF PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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  • I'm sorry but demisexuality is not a sexuality... its ridiculous.

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  • So are you for demi-sexuality or do you think it's silly? I'm confused.
    Also, are you sure you didn't just get sucker into 'the flat earth of sexuality theories'? Like you can just shake your head and say 'silly non-believers' when really there's no substantial evidence this is actually a thing? It kind of sounds like someone trolling & people just happened to believe it wasn't actually 100% normal not a deviation.

    If anything what you described actually sounds like typical Aspergers/Autism. I guess you could always find out: http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php (use 'go directly to test')

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  • I sexual identity as a American can you do a mytake on my sexuality?

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  • I just figured this was normal to be honest.

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  • Nice take

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  • Good!

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