During my years at the university, I focused more on my studies than I did my romantic relationships. But along the way I've made amazing friends that I still keep contact with even after I graduated and moved away. But there was one thing that bothered me throughout college: having a relationship. I never understood (even during High School) how two people could get together and just...be...and not get tired of each other's presence. The romance confused me because I saw it as something tiring and expelling unnecessary energy. I'm terrible when it comes to romantic acts, so why should I make an effort? I never really understood until my best friend and I had one of our many serious talks about communication.
Communication is perhaps one of the most important aspects that helps a person maintain their relationship, no matter if it's with a romantic interest or with a family member. Not only that, but relationships are a two way street; both partners have to make an effort to keep the relationship going. I remember saying, "That's not me. I'm not prepared to start a relationship." Even now, despite having most of my life together, I still believe that I'm not ready for a relationship. To me, starting a relationship means having commitment to each other, sharing your thoughts without judgement------being able to piece a puzzle together by communicating and coordinating with each other.
All of this was hard for me because I was new to the dating game. My friends did it and they dated a lot, so maybe I should try and put myself out there. It didn't go how I imagined it or planned it. Here's how it happened in stages:
1. Trust Issues
I figured out not too long ago that I'm Demisexual and that simply means that I have to have a meaningful connection with a person before I get to the sexual part of a relationship. At the time I didn't know this. I would become amazing friends with a guy and later he would confess that he liked me. The man would want to start a serious relationship (and sex was a natural part of it for whatever reason). I don't trust people easily, especially when it comes to starting a relationship. I need to know and be completely sure of myself when I start something. I'm sure any person would agree that you need to be comfortable to even think of sex with a new partner. Trust is important and even more so for myself.
2. Sex...but wait...
I don't know how some people can have one-night stands. I mean, you do you, but even if I wonder about it sometimes, I wouldn't actually try and have sex with a person I just met. I can't. The thought of it just makes me look the other way and I keep walking. To be honest, the only time I've ever considered having sex is with the male friends that I've kept in contact over the years because I see them as potential partners. It sounds terrible, I know, but I've known them long enough that I'm comfortable talking with them. Why go through the awkward conversation with a stranger, when I could just be normal around a person I know.
3. Being New to the Game
Like I said earlier, I'm sort of new to the dating game so I haven't experienced enough emotions to pin a certain word to it. I cannot tell you how many times I've gone back and forth in my head about making a decision on dating a person. It's not fun, it makes my chest and my head hurt. I knew this guy in college (I still keep contact) who said that he liked me and suddenly we're making out. I had to stop him somewhere along the line because although it felt amazing, my head was telling me "you just met him a few months ago, what the fuck girl". I honestly had no idea how to go about this and had to talk with my best friend because let's face it, I was an emotional disaster. I couldn't differentiate between love and lust. One week later, I determined that it was lust and said "no". This brings me to the next one...
4. Love or Lust
Love is emotional, and lust is physical. The simplest way to explain it without making an entire article about it. I know what love is and I know what lust is (definition wise), but actually feeling it was another thing entirely. Lusting has more to do with a person's physical appearance and whether or not they turn you on. For the life of me, it took me one week of twiddling my thumbs and talking with my best friend to figure out what I wanted. Again, I was new to this; I was confusing my infatuation with love. I mean who wouldn't? Guy walks up to you says, "Hey babe, you're really fine. I wanna make you all mine." showering you with passionate words and compliments------I was a complete sucker for compliments. Wouldn't you want to be called beautiful/handsome?
What Did We Learn?
Absolutely nothing was learned. To this day I'm still trying to figure this out. There are a lot more factors that I didn't mention, but it was all too complicated so I focused more on work. One day, while I'm playing video games, I get an email to chat. Turns out this guy is amazing. I've talked with him, messaged, video chat...I communicated. I was unsure what to think about this because he also wanted a relationship. When I thought about starting something, I get a call from an old friend. I talk with him, but I don't say anything about this new guy because who wants to hear that? Halfway through our talk, I realized something: I was more comfortable and open with my guy friend than I was video chatting some random person. Hell, I didn't even consider my best friend, "my best friend" until 4 years later and a lot of hanging out. I was so busy trying to start a relationship that I never considered my own comfort and need for a strong connection with someone. One day, I hope I find that strong connection. One step at a time...