What I’ve Learned About Relationships

[Lela247]

**Disclaimer: this is written from the point of view of a 20 year old, straight woman, whose goal is to be in a healthy, monogamous relationship with a straight man. This will affect the text but the text can apply to anyone regardless of gender or sexual prefereance. In addition, I did not place importance in correcting spelling errors or providing formal writing. This is all in my own words.**

1) Being on the same page as your partner is important

1) Being on the same page as your partner is important

Something I’ve learned from feeling insecure in my relationship is being on the same page is important and will help you feel more secure. Being on the same page could mean what the relationship between you and your partner is. Is this monogamous? Are we an open relationship? Friends with benefits? Of course, that’s not the only subject to touch up on. People have different definitions of what cheating actually is. Is flirting cheating to you? Or is it just if things get physical? Another subject is what your boundaries in the relationship are. Some people don’t mind if their partner goes into anybody’s house while some might not be okay with their boyfriend visiting their female friends house (or vice versa).

2) Transperancy is important in a relationship

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe a partner should hide anything, including their phones. *GASP* “What!? Phones. That’s invasion of privacy!” Before you jump to conclusions, I’m not talking about going through your partners phone without them knowing (though even so that shouldn’t be a problem). Yeah well, hiding things, especially from your partner that you consider being long term is never a good thing. It’s important to let your partner know who you are. “People lose sense of their identity, that’s why they don’t want to share anything .” Telling a person who you are does not make anybody less of themselves. It’s provides trust to the person you are with. Not to mention it’s too easy to cheat and is so common now and days. Evidence actually supports that partners who have looked through their partners phones have actually found they were cheated on. Truth is, if your partner is for life, then why hide details with someone your about to live with in the long run? And what is it that you have to hide? Your feelings? Not to mention, when does secrecy help a relationship?

3) Honesty is also important, even if it’s ugly

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year so far. I’m not the kind of girl who will cheat, ever. I can hate your guts and still never cheat, but I will leave. But of course, I am the cute girl with plenty of guy friends and also never understood boundaries till this relationship. A guy once messaged me and asked to come over, and my boyfriend didn’t have to know. I told him no of course, but I kept messaging him anyways in attempt to just be friends (yes I’m this naive.) Regardless I mentioned it to my boyfriend when it happened and he was extremely pissed at me. I felt shame for not realizing that it wasn’t good for me to message him, but also I felt no regret that I tell him these things. Why? Because I am revealing that I am not hiding anything from him, that I will not do anything to harm intentionally. Because of transperancy and honesty, it’s gotten him to trust me faster than I was able to trust him, since he was less transparent. In addition, in a book called “NOT ‘Just Friends’” it talks about a scenario where a wife, with two kids, gets in touch with her ex boyfriend. She admits to her husband that her ex boyfriend is amazing and her husband calmly pointed out where she might be in a danger zone for their marriage. She then told her ex to no longer contact her. Because she was honest, their bond is strengthened.

4) You can get bad advice from friends,family, or even G@G

I cannot mention how many times I’ve gotten bad advice from people. Or sometimes I get advice that’s a bit outdated. Because today’s dating world is sorta different. Good advice can come too, but it’s important to use your own judgment when it comes to advice. I had a female friend who said having female friends isn’t okay in a relationship. That’s silly, at least in my opinion. I’ve been told I needed help from a counselor, implying **I and only me** had a health issue. As it turns out, what I felt had reason for being there in the first place. Not to mention, in the same book, it shows an example of where bad advice can come from. Even therapists can give bad advice. For example, on page 22, the book talks about how a husband confessed to her wife about having an affair ONCE with ONE other women. The husband would not confess her name for the sake of saving their relationship so the wife decides to ask for advice on what to do. Here’s what she got in response:

“Dear San Diego,

you should stop pressuring him to name the woman and be relieved she is a thing of the past. Most men would identify her in order to get off the hot seat but your husband refuses to do that. He may have some integrity after all. If you find it impossible to get past this, please consider seeking professional help.”

In conclusion, yes ask for advice, but get several perspectives and decide on your own what is most logical.

5) Jelousy/insecurity is not always your fault. Sometimes you have legitimate reason

People often dismiss jealousy as an issue that is your fault. But the truth is, it depends on the situation and sometimes you have reason. If you take a close look, jelous has like three different meanings. The first definition is being envious. The second meaning, is feeling suspicious of your partner. The third meaning is being overprotective of your possessions. So as you can see, jelousy has different meanings. If the situation is that you feel suspicious of your partner, maybe you’re right to feel insecure because he or she is not acting appropriately. Again, some people believe flirting is not cheating. But if you’re not on the same page, and your partner is flirting when you’re not okay with it, yes it will cause suspicion. Or maybe he’s wanting alone time but is in the phone with a “client.” Etc.

there's a fine line in ignoring situations by saying you need to trust your partner and ignoring clear signs of what might be an affair. Not to mention, there have been many situations where a relationship was strong in trust but after nine years, partners had their first infidelity. Trust is important, yes. But something’s stick out like the nose on a persons face. You can be secure and still question your partner. A rephrased quote from Beyoncé.

6) There’s a reason why people say girls and guys cannot be friends

I've mentioned on here before that the idea of my boyfriend having female friends scared the crap out of me. Truth is, there is some truth to it. There are statistics that support the notion that something always gets in the way. Usually it’s men who misinterpret there being more in a friendship, when there really isn’t. In the book I am reading, most affairs happen in work places and the intamacy developed is unintentional. Cheating can occur in happy marriages. There are situations where two coworkers start out as friends. Just friends getting to know each other, and as one begins to spend more time at work with this person and as they share more and more about their lives, the can easily reach a vulnerability stage which opens up an opportunity to be more than just friends. A spouse can easily become emotionally intimate with another spouse from a different marriage. They fall in love with a friend and it was completely unintentional. This is where boundaries come into the relationship so it can help safeguard a marriage or relationship better. Friends are crucial in life, so if the goal is to keep your marriage and your friends, you can do so by keeping those boundaries in place. These boundaries consist of acts such as not talking about the struggles in your relationship with anyone,unless it is a friend of the marriage who has a problem solving mentality towards the relationship. It could mean that when your friend becomes too vulnerable, you should include your spouse in on the information. And there are other things as well.

7) Communicate with your partner

Nothing sucks more than having to suppress stuff from your partner or knowing your partner is not talking about stuff they should talk about. First, talking to your partner about your insecurities or concerns will not only relieve your worries, but it will also strengthen the bond between the two. Having insecurities that do not go away can possibly damage your relationship. Not to mention it can bring someone anxiety. Please just take the easy way and communicate with your partner when in need. A dedicated partner should be able to help you but you also have to help yourself.

I hope this article provided decent advice. If you feel something on here isn’t correct, QUESTION ME! I love a debate. Or just feel free to drop a comment on your thoughts. 😌

[Crocuta_Hyaenidae]

Regarding #6:

There is a couple. The woman has a problem with the man. She talks about it with a male friend or coworker.

They keep talking, because he subconsciously wants to smash. Because men always want to smash on some level.

She feels a connection with him, because she is now talking to him more about her insecurities than with her husband.

He is horny, because men are always horny.

They smash.

Husband is heartbroken, they divorce, and it sucks.

Same basic thing with genders reversed, except the man goes extramarital because his wife put on weight and he is no longer attracted or something.

We can have opposite gender friends, but we have to be responsible about setting boundaries and controlling our behavior. And that is hard. People fail all the time.

[Crocuta_Hyaenidae]

Oh yeah, great post by the way.

Not gonna get much criticism out of me. Just felt like expounding.

[Lela247]

That’s exactly what I mean about #6

[Ellie-V]

Not bad but #6 is bullshit in my opinion. If you don’t allow your partner to have friends who are the opposite sex that just makes you an insecure bitch and you probably don’t have enough security in the relationship 🤷🏾‍♀️

[Lela247]

Didn’t say they can’t be friends. But haven’t you ever heard of friends that fall in love? Friends in different marriages falling in love with each other? That’s what I mean. It just means there’s a reason why people worry and there’s some truth to it. Not to mention there’s a lot of studies that support it. They can be friends I’m just saying there’s a reason why people do. Just know your boundaries

[Ellie-V]

Yes I have. I’ve fallen in love with a best friend myself before. But I believe that there is no good reason to worry about that possibility if you and your partner are 100% emotionally secure with each other.

[Lela247]

I understand where you’re coming from but define emotionally secure?

Some couples that were strong and were years into their marriage. But at some point in the marriage, many individuals had their FIRST affair 9 years into their relationship, because of that emotional affair. And guess what? Those people never intended getting into emotional cheating. Sadly not all relationships are perfect and this stuff happens. MARRIED and falling in love with someone else. Nobody intended to be there

[Lela247]

it happens. It just means at times just know the boundaries.

[noubigdumbdumb]

Good take but I have to disagree on number 6.

I have been in a relationship for about 2 years and perhaps unlike most people who maybe have 1-2 close friends of the opposite sex literally all of my closest friends are girls (people I would tell more private things to)

I feel when you say things like guys and girls can't be friends, that comes from a place of insecurity, jealousy or somewhere along that line. I make it abundantly clear to my girl that I do have these friends, and we both trust each other enough to not break that trust. However, I can understand in situations such as when your closest female friends is perhaps your ex, or someone you used to be attracted to, but honestly I think this point isn't justified.

[Lela247]

Read @Crocuta_Hyaenidae response. That’s what it means. Of course it may not happen to everyone but there are plenty casees where friend falls for a friend. It’s mentioned in a book writer by a therapist who has been helping couples for a while. She provides a lot of studies that support that it happens.

[ReluctantlyHere]

No one is saying their aren't cases where friends don't fall for each other but so what? All friendships have the possibility of encountering problems and need boundaries plus good communication. My sister and her girlfriends don't fall for each other but still get jealous or upset. My good friend stopped talking to me because the girl he had a crush on liked me instead of him. All friendships will face issues and need lots of work.

[Lela247]

@ReluctantlyHere oh but of course! It doesn’t mean you’ll ALWAYS fall in love. But the possibilities are there. For example, don’t you technically have a friendship with your wife? Where you talk about anything and everything. Always there for each other.

The things it takes to fall for someone are sometimes already present in a friendship. It can be platonic but it can also become something else. And this is coming from the mouth of a therapist who has counseled many couples and individuals in marriage counseling.

The flaws of people are different. I get jelous too. But jealousy doesn’t have to only be in relationships. Those are simply flaws everyone has. Including me.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

6. I know the reason. Because it's just them and it's subjective.

[Lela247]

Watcha mean?

[Aiko_E_Lara]

"There’s a reason why people say girls and guys cannot be friends" Not everyone's the same and the people who say there's a reason is because how they feel and feelings are subjective. So it's just them.

[Lela247]

I’m not saying you’ll fall for EVERY SINGLE FRIEND. But it is a thing when people fall for friends. When you’re married, don’t you sort of expect some form of friendship between you and your partner? Like you guys talk about anything. Share secrets? Donstuff together etc? The things needed for intamacy in a relationship are already there.

According to a therapist, “82% of the 210 of the unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, “Just a friend.””
She even includes other sources and studies including from Psychology Today, which is well known to be a reliable source.

It doesn’t even mean that you will fall for a friend, although it’s possible.

All I’m saying is there’s some reasoning to the saying “women and men cannot be friends.” It just means people have encountered that falling for a friend. You NEED friends in life. I simply meant that it’s good to place boundaries to make sure it’s a friendship and nothing more if you are not looking to stray from your current partner. Attraction to others is normal, even if you’re in a relationship.

Sure it could be subjective because it depends on how its seen by one person in a group of at least two. But these numbers are still high in stats.

Psychology Today supports that men and women CAN be friends... but a study by PT showed that often guys confused there to be more in a relationship than girls. 62% of I’m not sure how many people though

[Aiko_E_Lara]

What if I told you. You just explained feelings which everyone don't have it exactly the same. That's why feelings are subjective because the human languages can't exactly explain it. I'm not saying I don't have feelings but I understand that only it's not my case because I don't feel that. Try to explain visions to people who can't see. You can't. I never even said all not didn't I? If you're talking about those people, it's just them and how they feel. Simple.

[Lela247]

I understand and respect what you mean... though I still somewhat disagree because he’s not everyone will have these situations or feelings occur. But there are most definitley patterns and things that happen. If feelings are too complex to understand, then depression being genetic is not true, which it indeed is.

That’s just my opinion though. And again I totally respect your point of view and what you’re saying.

Agree to disagree? :3

[Lela247]

Oh also if scientists can figure out that you can tell if you’re sad or fake crying by what is released when you tear up, then we could totally have some form of understanding of the nature of human beings and their relationships ;)

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Ok can you also base it on how people feel depressions? Not every depression feels the same. Tho it is still genetic, that still has scales or different aspects that can not be monitored. I still disagree because not everybody is the same. Maybe because you have a really objective mind, you base things of the real ideology not denying everyone feels differently. You threw a rock at someone. Ok it's not subjective because it obviously hurts but how they feel the rock, do you exactly know if you're in his/her body? No? That's why there are scales no one can determine. That's why some people cry some don't. To those people who don't get hurt because they're friend zoned, that's just how they feel it even if it's obvious that it hurts. Not all people have the same scales of emotion. If you're happy you're happy, If you're sad you're sad but you know you can't express how happy or sad you are.

[PotatoYellow231]

I must say number six isn't wrong, most affairs started from simple talking. But in the same time, one must careful in interactions of sharing intimacies.

Afterall this is a good take, thanks!

[thottttiana]

I don’t like number 6

[Lela247]

Why?

[murdanyc916]

TL:DR ... whatever your instincts tell you as a woman... do the opposite!

[Champ78]

This is a good take. Although I do disagree with #6 and some of #7 and there is one big thing that I would add.

[Lela247]

What would you add? And why disagree? I respect your comment though :)

[Champ78]

I would add that equal effort is absolutely vital. I hate having to drag on a conversation with someone when they don’t seem interested at all. I disagree with the fact that girls and guys can’t just be friends because have female friends and their boyfriends like me. The only reason I have a bit of a problem with #7 is that sometimes I’m a very independent person that doesn’t like to talk about my problems. I appreciate the passion that you have for my opinion and the mytake itself.

[d_e141]

Good take but I disagree on 6

[Lela247]

I respect your opinion, but why?

[d_e141]

Because one of my best friends is a girl. We have many different opinions so we understand that the best thing is friendship

[Secretgardenblood]

Good take.