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What It's Like To Fall Into True Love (As Told By Jordan)

Everyone experiences love differently... But I think it definitely is a thing. Like... There is a correct way to do it... We all understand that love is benevolent; so it doesn't intend harm. But until these past couple years... I don't think I understood what it was.


I don't think I thought love was okay. And by that I mean... I feel like I was allergic to it. Or was afraid of it. Or something. Because looking it in the face, love is the most thrilling and terrifying thing in the world. But I think we believe instinctively that things good for us aren't scary... Right?


Looking back now... I don't know what I expected it to be. I think it was just too wonderful for me to admit that it existed. Because if I knew it did... It would torture me finding it. It's like... I had to believe it didn't really exist to keep its absence from killing me. And I feel like God saw that in me... And said, "I've got to do something about her".


I became a Christian in high school, and my love for Jesus helped straighten out a lot of my issues... But people fail to tell you that just because Jesus is all you need, doesn't necessarily mean he wants to BE your only thing ever again. He created Eve out desire for Adam's happiness. That was pretty much it.


Oddly enough, learning to love other people was easier than learning to love myself. I think I liked to pretend I didn't need it, and it made me very religiously brittle: hard and fast by the rules, but so fragile that a simple mistake could leave me in a crumpled heap on the ground.


So when Stephen did find me, it wasn't what I expected.


I'd always imagined love like being in the movies, where you are swept up with passion, and an eternal fire to do anything. Everything in life makes sense, this whole moment had led up to one thing: HER.


But surprisingly... the most prominent emotion I remember experiencing was confusion. I did experience all that other, passionate-lovey-kissy-googoo stuff. I'd expected that. But I didn't expect to feel... Blank.


Not blank as in numb. Blank as in... Lost. Like, I was observing myself in third person, experiencing something that was supposed to happen to another person. Like watching a movie, and then realizing the main character was you. And suddenly, after you realize that, how you feel about the movie completely changes; rages of fear, paranoia, shame, confusion, maybe even anger. Because somebody had seen you in your most private hour. Or truest form of self. And... You don't know what to do.


In an experiment performed by Dr. Arthur Aron, two strangers scientifically fell in love after completing a series of tasks. There were 36 very personal questions for them to answer, and then they were supposed to look in each other's eyes for 4 min straight.


After the experiment, one of the participants said,


"I know the eyes are the windows to the soul or whatever, but the real crux of the moment was not just that I was really seeing someone, but that I was seeing someone really seeing me. "


Hearing or seeing one's self in our own truest form alone can be shocking sometimes... But someone seeing us at our worst... And not batting an eye... Raises questions. I loved Stephen for who he was to begin with... But, I think in that moment, I also loved him because he let me know that this part of myself was allowed to be loved by me, too.


I think that is the difference between loving someone, and true love. Loving someone can be one sided... Unreciprocated. Even painful. But "true love" (the way it is supposed to be) is a reciprocal, between the two people, and themselves. It can be fiery or subdued; sexual or platonic; ostentatious or subtle. It doesn't matter: true love is synergetic, not parasitic. And it is what it is, not what you think you deserve...


I loved Stephen before that moment we shared... But after that moment, I learned how to love myself, too.


And I think that was what Jesus was going for all along :)

Stephen swearing into the Marines
Stephen swearing into the Marines
SABRINI!!!
SABRINI!!!
The Happiest Day
The Happiest Day
What It's Like To Fall Into True Love (As Told By Jordan)
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