This is for him. How it all began.
Let me start here— my mom died in 2017 and while I love and miss her, this story isn’t necessarily about her. When my mom was dying, she asked me to promise her a few things. One of those things she asked me to promise her was that I would open my heart to the idea of finding love.
You see, we all get hurt in life and I think that, in a way, it helps us to realize both what we find to be really important in a partner, and our capabilities of giving and receiving love. But sometimes the hurt is so unbearable, the pain too deep, and leaves us— leaves
me, feeling like we are not worthy of love at all. If a human has been felt the pain, humiliation, and desecration of a monstrous person, or more, your soul feels empty and humanity broken. For me, I kept going because, through that monstrosity, I was gifted a tiny human that needs my endless love and strength.
And so I promised my mom that I would try... and I meant it. After more than seven years of solitude, I would try.
Sometime in January of 2018, I joined match.com. Fast forward through many connections and a handful of first and second dates, and some very shady characters. Nothing felt right. I had one really good connection that didn’t pan out for a few reasons that don’t matter. I was still holding back, still keeping my guard up completely, and protective of my heart. Why should anyone want to love someone like me?
When I was a kid, I promised my mom that I would take her to Venice after I graduated college. It was her dream to go there and my counselor suggested that I go as a tribute to my mom and for some healing. One day in October, I was doing research on travel to other countries and found a forum where you could ask questions. I began chatting with another user there who had some pretty good knowledge to share about his experience traveling to Italy. He told me all about the places he had traveled and places he recommended. After talking for a few days, he asked why I wanted to go to Venice specifically and I told him about wanting to take my mom and that she had died last year. From there, I asked for his name just to thank him for all of his help and he told me he is an American living in XX. He said that Munich is only a 7 hour train ride from Venice and would love to meet me when I take the trip. This gave me a bit of a thrill. Wow, this intelligent and interesting man would take a 7 hour train ride to see me? But why? He doesn’t even know what I look like or anything. (Let me point out here that he I was just a screen name at this point... nothing with a picture.)
And from there it just snowballed and we began sharing our lives and other interests with each other. We had so much in common and so many shared interests and values. From there it got more personal and I confided in him about my past and how I felt like I couldn’t be loved by someone. He shared with me about his past as well as wanting to find the right person. And he thought that person was me.
I’m a difficult woman. I’ve been through a lot. I have a deeply rooted hate for myself that I’m recovering from. I need to be reminded almost daily that I’m loved or cared for. I’m terrified of abandonment and I’d rather be alone than even try. I’m hard to love.
I told him those words, or something similar. “I’m hard to love.” And do you know what that crazy man said to me... “I’d like to give it a shot.”
So he decided he should fly out here to see me and it wasn’t going to be until summertime. But we both couldn’t wait so he decided to come sooner. January 2nd. Our big day... Somewhere along the way, he told me that he was planning on looking for a job here in once I go back to work. He bought a one way ticket. He already resigned from his job to start the process of moving over here.
Everything that I need from a man, he is not only capable of giving to me... he WANTS to give it to me. And I— I knew I had the capacity to love... I have so much to give. But for more than seven years, I denied the idea because I was so afraid of being hurt again.
And suddenly, it was like all the anger and hurt dissipated from my heart— not my psyche.. that may take a lifetime. But I realized that somewhere along the way, I had opened my heart to the idea of love.
Now, this man is moving across the ocean to be with me. A part of me still fears and questions everything. How can a man like this really want to be with a woman like me? But I feel his heart and his character are genuine. But can he really love me? I think that my trust is so strong because of this giant step that he’s choosing to take for US to be together. If we were in the same area and compatible, I might still have huge reservations about it. But that’s a huge part about what makes me believe. Would he really cross the ocean for someone he didn’t think he could love? That’s what makes me have even more faith in this. I’ll never need another gesture of this magnitude. From here on out, I will do whatever I need to do to make this work and make it right.
Because my capacity to love is otherworldly and all my life, I’ve wanted to give that to one person. And here it is.
And from the darkness, the light shined so brightly.
As a good friend said to me...”It's your time. This is the rainbow after the storms you have sailed in for seven years has lifted.”
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