It's not love if...

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I need to thank @StingRayxoxo for inspiring me to write this, and her beautiful myTake Domestic Violence: Why You Can't "Just Leave"

That said, let's begin

-It's not love if they constantly make question yourself
-It's not love if they isolate you

-It's not love if they humiliate you

-It's not love if they control you

-It's not love if they don't trust you

-It's not love if they constantly take you down because they fear you'll leave them
-It's not love if they hurt you physically
-It's not love if they hurt you psychologically
-It's not love if they just obsess over you
-It's not love if you are constantly scared of them

-It's not love if they threaten to or hurt your family

-It's not love if they threaten to or hurt your children

-It's not love if they threaten to or hurt your pets

-It's not love if they destroy your belonging
-It's not love if you just "have sex"

-It's not love if their only desire for you is to fuck you

-It's not love if you spend more time crying than laughing

-It's not love if you are always "crazy" or the "idiot"
-It's not love if they destroy your world instead of enriching it

This is called abuse, and can take many, many forms.

Actual love is much simpler - it's supporting, sharing, caring, giving and receiving.

[bill_towers]

Being made question yourself isn't that bad. It keeps you in line. Ofcourse it can turn into abuse but there would be a lot more horrible people out their if no one told them "maybe you shouldn't do this, it's wrong".

The other aspects of abuse you mentioned are correct.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Excellent observation, I hadn't looked it that way.
You are right.

[OlderAndWiser]

It's not love if it's just a word that is not reflected in how your partner treats you.

Excellent post!

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you, and I completely agree with what you said!
This post actually comes out from a long talk my girlfriend and I had tonight - instead of sleeping - following our discussion regarding the other topic you already know.
It's probably one of the most deep and opening talk we had, as we shared our thoughts on certain topics and she told. me a couple of experiences she had.
We drafted and wrote this little poem/list together, taking example from some writings of some victims of violence here in Italy.

[OlderAndWiser]

Grazie per l'MHO!

[StingRayxoxo]

Thank you @Jean-Marie_Celine. You are absolutely right. These conversations aren't always easy to have with someone.
I'm glad that you and your girlfriend were able to have this conversation and that you have a real love.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words and writing your Take!
Reading it and a discussion we had (for other motives) brought us to talk and discuss about this.

[StingRayxoxo]

Well, perhaps I should take a cue from you and have a more open discussion with my SO about it. Those are things I never revealed to people. It's scary to talk about. But sometimes my old fears bleed into my emotions in my current relationship (even when they dont belong there). How did you bring it up with her?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

For us this topic came out because we had a discussion regarding sex and intimacy yesterday evening (my question regarding outercourse", she said some hurtful things and we took a time out.
When we made up a couple of hours later we had an intimate moment, we didn't sleep but just started talking about pretty much everything, then went on the topic of jealousy and violence.
She said something of the like "I deserve some slaps from time to time" to which I replied how much I was contrary to it and for all my faults I'd never hit her, never will.
So we talked and she told me about her last ex (of three years ago) with whom she had a very violent relationship - he beat her sometimes and she also hit back, they basically beat themselves livids and once after he punched her in the face and she broke his nose they went to the ER together.
Then we talked about the violence in relationships that's very common in Italy and we drafted up this, taking inspiration from what a woman victim of abuse wrote on Facebook.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I knew she has had a violent past relationship, but yesterday was the first time she went into details, and I understood a bit more why she was so much of a shrinking violet with me at first.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

And while browsing Internet, we read your myTake together.

[StingRayxoxo]

Thank you for MHO and for your personal response.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

👍👍👍
I hope you are fine and that things are going well for you!

[smg99]

Gorgeous post I will need to refer to this if I need pacification.:) excellence

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them!

[smg99]

Well they are true I too have had conflicting experiences in the past month enough to write a script on and overcome it.

[smg99]

Sometimes words that are rational are foundation for peace of mind

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I completely agree with that.
My girlfriend and I wrote this after we read a myTake on abusive relationships here on G@G and she opened up about her past abusive relationship three years ago.
It's was a really cathartic writing and we happy if it's of help to other people!

[smg99]

I admire you I did read your other replies. I myself had not a violent relationship but an emotionally abusive one.
But to be honest the pain is non tangible like physical.

Both can be processed as unbearable stress and individuals recycle between resolutions > conflict> rationality and analyzing the situation to > Remedial measures to prevent pain from dictating them> it is in this phase it can go wrong. The ‘Honey moon stage/ phase ‘.

Your writing it down alongside her is incredibly loving of you. Where do we get guys like you then?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your words, I do my best to be an helpful person and the best possible partner for my girlfriend 🙂.

I'm sorry you had to through an emotionally abusive relationship - abuse is abuse after all and it takes a great toll on you, especially because it comes from someone that should love and support you, not hurt you and keep you down.
It takes a special strength to endure and get out of those situations, and I admire everyone who does so.

[smg99]

Thankyou for the MHO :)

[Logorithim]

Excellent list. None of those things are love.

[ConnieS]

The problem is; sometimes people will say they love you (and even act like they do, in the beginning of the relationship). So when these behaviors start showing themselves, we often make excuses for them. It's when they keep reappearing - that's the problem. A lot of women have found reading the (free) book at: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/892933 to be helpful when looking for a relationship (or when we're in the beginning of one), to know what to look for (and who to stay away from) in a potential partner. :)

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It seems to be a really interesting read, I'll check it out, thank you!

[ConnieS]

You're welcome. And thank you for an excellent Segment. :)

[Felinegirl]

I think obsessing over the one you love early on is okay :p

But yes. Spot on.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's true, but when thinking about someone you love becomes being unable to function without them, that's when it becomes unhealthy.

[Felinegirl]

Well then I'm unhealthy in the beginning of all of my relationships. Also I do very poorly on holidays apart, I get homesick then while I never get homesick when single.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'd not say it's necessarily unhealthy, especially at the beginning when everything it's new and exciting.

But it'd be better for you to put your mind to other things - keep thinking about your partner naturally, but spending hours doing anything but thinking about them may only make you suffer or feel bad.
I totally get the being homesick thing, since I recently went through it.

[CandacePerry]

Great take. some of guys that I did have a relationship. They did cheated. Ken them said I can’t help that I have learning disabilities. That is just a excuse. You knew cheating is wrong but you did any. Then girl & guys dumped their partner.

[luvstoned4him]

Agreed

I really enjoyed this

Now do what love is :)

[Anonymous]

That's so true!!!
My ex boyfriend did me all of this... never again.
Thank you for writing this...

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'm so sorry you had to endure this.
Real love it's not like that.
I hope you are doing better now and have supportive people around you.

[Dchrls78104]

I have one term for such: Madness or Infatuation.
Good take.

[Anonymous]

Uuuuh... dude is everything alright?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It is, don't worry.
This post actually comes out from a long talk my girlfriend and I had tonight.
It's probably one of the most deep and opening talk we had, as we shared our thoughts on certain topics and she told. me a couple of experiences she had.
We drafted and wrote this little poem/list together, taking example from some writings of some victims of violence here in Italy.

[fulloflife]

Thanks for stating the obvious

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It's not so obvious, if you watch the news, read some stuff people says on here or look at the number of abusive relationships...

[jst4fun]

I always thought it was a no-brainer too. If you aren’t careful of the subtle signs of abuse, you may find yourself in a position you’d of never guessed. Love is one of those things that sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Every time you feel a new, or heightened, emotion toward someone special to you, it’s generally considered “love”. It’s surprising every time and different for everyone I’m guessing, but you have to realize you aren’t bulletproof, so to say. In my experience with it, I was abused and ended up abusing men until I realized how toxic it all was. It’s exciting, and the chemical rush mixed with the make-up afterwards can be weirdly alluring, especially at your weakest moments. It can be a slow burn until you could find yourself so scarred up and yet super fragile on the inside because what you thought you were doing was being led by your ‘righteous’ heart, but you later discover might have been a lie to yourself all along due to the endorphins you felt at times. Some people are just flat out conducive, it doesn’t always mean compatible. Love is convincing, that’s for sure, especially when it’s at an early stage of partnership. You may convince yourself you don’t wanna leave because you’ll never find this feeling again, after all you’ve never felt it. But I wanna let you know that you’re probably right, you never will find the same feeling, but I promise it gets better than you know if you don’t destroy yourself to bits with the wrong partner. I’m not implying you’ll ever be in the space to understand, but maybe have some understanding for others. you're 18 and you aren’t immune, you have a ton of cool things ahead of you that you don’t even know exist. Just be careful of red flags early on girl. Sometimes walking away takes a lot, but just remember you’re better than that still, and it doesn’t even need to be explained if it’s too hard to maintain your stance in walking. Looking back is what always got me in trouble.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

@jst4fun Beautifully said, I really enjoyed reading this.
Sadly it's quite easy to end up in a abusive relationship, and not see it until it's too late.
All the people I spoke with who have been in an abusive relationship (here on G@G and in irl) told me it's something you don't see coming.

[Unit1]

This is for the most part accurate. Well done.

[Wowgirl30q]

Awesome

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you!

[louise103]

So true, understand that a lot

[SarahsSummer]

So true.

[markanthonypeace]

Insightful

[Secretgardenblood]

Good take

[_Black_Canary_]

True