Domestic Violence: Why You Can't "Just Leave"

[StingRayxoxo]

[TRIGGER WARNING]

The emotions are extreme. After every abusive incident comes a "make-up honeymoon phase". When he hurts you, you never thought someone could make you hurt so badly. But when he’s “sorry” and showing you love, the love feels so intense— almost impossibly so— because of the pain you just experienced. During this time, it is likely that you will be showered with attention, gifts, and promises of a beautiful future together.

It’s also extremely shameful. You're an intelligent person. There were red flags but you wanted to prove them wrong or thought you could overlook them. Or maybe someone warned you and you didn’t listen because you were desperate for love. And then once you’re deeply involved, you know people will question your judgement for staying with them. “Why would you be so stupid?” Well, for a lot of reasons.

It becomes routine. How many times will you leave the party early because he's drunk and has started yelling? You can feel the rising tension. At what point do you feel the familiarity of a knife held against the most sensitive parts of your skin? When he covers your mouth as you beg him not to, a second time, a third time-- it becomes less surprising every time.

You feel personally responsible for your partner or their behavior. You apologize to others for how they acted as they remain unaware of the pain he inflicted because "you were embarrassed by him."

You will feel like a burden to others when you leave him. They ask questions. It's no longer familiar and that feels scary. You miss the intense "love" he gave you. It feels like everyone is judging you, like you did something wrong. You go back to him because "no one will ever love you again" echoes over and over in your head. [1] On average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave 7 times before finally leaving for good.

And lastly, it feels like you’ll never be able to escape it. Darkness becomes reality and you isolate yourself so you don’t have to answer questions. You are so fearful that he’ll kill you or hurt someone/something that you love. You feel like you have to disconnect from the people you love to "save them" from him. It’s dangerous to leave. VERY dangerous. [2] Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the weeks after leaving their abusive partner than at any other time during the relationship.

[1] http://www.standffov.org/statistics/
[2] http://www.dvipiowa.org/myths-facts-about-domestic-violence/

[AndrewMG]

I don't have that many proud moments in my life, but one of the few was when I was living with friends post university, we hired a female friend from our work place as a cleaner to our place. Now we knew she was having a hard time with her fella at home (she also had serious medical issues and was in and out of hospital), now every inch of mine and my house mates wanted to batter the boyfriend for his abusive treatment of her, but he was in and out of prison, and kicking his ass would of seen her sympathies return to him. Instead we invited her around as a cleaner, made sure she invited her boys, and when she came round we had the playstation set up for her boys, and once she'd finished the cleaning (we'd done a pre clean lol) we'd make sure we cooked dinner, cup of tea etc!, The whole point was to get her away from the asshole she was seeing, give her a bit of money and make sure her boys saw what an alternative to an abusive relationship was. End of story, her ex is in prison, her kids are in college, she's found a bloke who treats her like a prison... but we still need a cleaner lol

[AndrewMG]

That last sentence should be *treats her like a princess*... very important difference lol

[StingRayxoxo]

Thank you for sharing this story. 😊

[AndrewMG]

@StingRayxoxo No problem, can I just add I was merely a participant, one of my housemates at the time was the instigator and it's him and his kindness that deserves the credit, I was merely a good follower lol

[OlderAndWiser]

What you describe sounds like a woman convinces herself that she must choose between his reality and the reality that everyone else shares, and the prospect of joining with everyone else holds the potential for too much shame for her to face it.

[StingRayxoxo]

How accurate you are.

[Marrry]

1. You get brainwashed and believe you deserve this kind of treatment. He uses degrading treatment and you believe you are worhtless. You have low self esteem and believe you won't find better.
2. You are afraid to leave. Many times he threaten you that he will make your life hell if you leave him.
3. YOU want to change him. You believe that he needs a savior and you can play this role. He will change in the end. You just need to help him realise that what he does is not right and bring him to the path of God. Well... It never works like this. He can't be saved if he doesn't want to be saved.
4. Society. What people will say? That you broke up and destroyed your marriage. At previous decades women preferred to stay in an abusive relationship than giving society and their families the satisfaction that they didn't succeed at keeping their marriage.
5. They don't leave because children keeps them back or economical reasons. Where to go if you have kids and you dont have money? He will take the kids easily and prove you are an insufficient mother.

[Fitness-Fanatic]

This is a very insightful take. It's surprising how many men and women suffer abuse at the hands of the person that's meant to love and cherish them.. I just can't understand how a human can intentionally cause phyical or psychological harm to another human. It's beyond comprehension

[bklynbadboy1]

Have you ever been through anything like that

[Fitness-Fanatic]

@bklynbadboy1

Yes. He was emotionally abusive , and when I ended the relashionship he ambushed me when I was out jogging , and beat me so bad that I was unrecognisable. It's a long story , but it took a few years for me to make a full recovery, not just physically , but emotionally and mentally

[bklynbadboy1]

Wow! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine going through anything like that. Was he lick that from the start or was gradual change and how long were you with him

[Fitness-Fanatic]

@bklynbadboy1

Thank you.

No, there was no signs he was like that for a long time. I should have ended it sooner than I did. But I was younger and more naive back then. I was fortunate to have a lot of help and support. Some women and men don't have that. It breaks my heart knowing that there's people out there suffering abuse with absolutely no one to turn to.

[bklynbadboy1]

This whole post was an eye opener for me I had no idea of what it's like for a woman to go through something like that. I use to say dumb things like why dont she just leave not realizing in most cases they can't.

[bklynbadboy1]

I think every guy should read this

[Fitness-Fanatic]

@bklynbadboy1

Yeah.. i think it is important for people to have more insight into domestic abuse.

I even called myself dumb for staying with him first so long. I'm a different person now. I wouldn't tolerate that type of behaviour now. I don't distrust men though. I know most men aren't like that

[Fitness-Fanatic]

For**

[bklynbadboy1]

Thank you so much for sharing your story this is how you stop DV you have to educate thank you sooooo much

[Fitness-Fanatic]

@bklynbadboy1

No problem. Thanks for your kind words:)

[StingRayxoxo]

Thank you for sharing @Fitness-Fanatic ❤
And thank you for caring @bklynbadboy1

[bklynbadboy1]

This has be the most informative post for me thus far

[Fitness-Fanatic]

@StingRayxoxo
thank you for your take on domestic abuse. ❤🌹

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Beautiful and powerful myTake.
It's especially sad and tearing to watch something that seemed to be beautiful and promising reveal itself as an illusion that plunges you into fear and despair.

Remember:
-It's not love if they constantly make question yourself
-It's not love if they isolate you
-It's not love if they hurt you physically
-It's not love if they hurt you psychologically
-It's not love if they just obsess over you
-It's not love if you are constantly scared of them
-It's not love if you just "have sex"
-It's not love if they destroy your world instead of enriching it

[Logorithim]

Thanks for sharing this, as hard as it might be to do it, so that others develop an understanding. Sorry to hear you experienced this.

[CubsterShura]

I love how people are still saying two things:
1) You CAN just leave: no sweety, easy for you to say when no matter what happens to you, you have a comfy home to come back to and you don't know how it feels to be in the shoes of an abused partner. Many women worldwide who do, end up murdered or somehow trafficked into sex work.
2) If a women truly loves her man she would try to fix him not leave him. And yeah that I kinda agree. It's important that you try to talk to him, and if he doesn't listen then talk to relatives and in-laws so they they can do something about it. But he's not a baby and wives are not moms to fix their spoiled child. They are already grown up and there is no way that one can raise them to be fixed anymore. Either he understands his mistake to fix himself or he doesn't and when he doesn't, that's when it's time to leave, but like I said, it ain't easy for everyone.

[Hypnos0929]

I'm gonna disagree with you on the first part.
Women can just leave but they'd rather face steady abuse than face judgement. There are tons, and I mean tons, or abuse centers, resources and groups for women. The majority of her post is about avoiding those who would say "I told you so". She stays to change him because she doesn't want to say she wasted time with him.
How do I know? My father, and the fathers of my older brothers and younger brother were abusive men who never showed signs of getting better but my mother kept going back out of "love". She wasn't afraid, she simply thought he was better than the rest of the family we had because they had told her time after time after time to leave! Women do not listen because women can't handle face to face confrontations about what they should and should not do.

[CubsterShura]

No dear, it's not always that easy. You may have seen many women in abusive relationships but you still haven't developed enough understanding of it. You have no idea what shit women have to deal with even when they speak up or protest. You have no idea what financial dependence does. You have no idea how many women try to find help from police or support groups but they can't. You have no idea how many loopholes there are in state law that enables abusers to get away with their crimes and the abused powerless (which basically means that in certain cases even these organizations and shelters can't help her because there is no way they can legally help her).

Maybe you could develop some more insight instead of being so judgmental.

[Hypnos0929]

So your claim is "you've never been abused so you can't speak on the subject" which is b. s.
I'd say the majority of women don't leave because judgment is just too hard for them, it's the same thing with everyone. No man, woman, or child likes to admit they were wrong and the more they know that people will judge them, the longer they'll stay. It's one of the reasons support groups are none judgmental areas and constantly push the idea that you can not tell the victim he or she needs to do something.
Women who find help often go back because they believe that they weren't wrong about the guy. A small "I love you" or date or gift is all it takes to make some women run back to those evil men because it gives them hope that the guy will be the man she imagined.
The biggest legal reason is that the woman will not press charges! That's it! If she refuses to press charges then she's leaving herself in the situation. In that court room they'll pressure her but she has to want to stop him. Any other reason is no excuse unless you're living in a very conservative society like the Amish or another super religious society where people actively force you to stay.
My insight is having to hear everyday from the time i was 10 to the time i left home at 18 how bad my father was and how my mother always complained she stayed for us despite the fact he didn't work, had shit credit, and repeatedly abused her. You showed my point perfectly, you dont want me to judge because its what they fear most but sometimes they need an honest person who won't give then a threatening "leave him or I leave" option. They need to be told from point A to point B they are allowing these actions to occur and need to make smart choices.

[Anonymous]

"You're an intelligent person." - this is very debatable. While there are people out there (i. e. sociopaths and psychopaths) who are actually very skilled and cunning when it comes to impersonating something they are not and manipulating people, they are extremely rare.

Most of the time everybody can see it from a mile away. Just dumb bitches go pussy-first into serious relationships and marriage, and this is what they end up with.

Retards will never realize that marriage is a serious step in life.

[Alpha09]

I think it depends on the relationship. Some women (men) can definitely leave someone who is like verbally abusive and narcissistic. They just feel obligated to that person and often times need to figure it out on thier own that the relationship is toxic. Now physical abuse in a relationship is tricky because the abusive partner could very well seriously hurt or kill her (him) if she (he) decides to leave.

[tonicandgin]

Something to elaborate on isolation... they cut your social circle off so it's harder to reach out and they pribably control majority if not all the finances. You feel paranioid when you do things without them knowing about it like they're going to find out about every "betrayal" you've committed.

[yucychan]

I like your take.
As someone who was in an abusive relationship before, I held on because I thought he would change. There were good times but the insults and the beatings got worse and worse. It was then that I came to the realization that he was never gonna change, at least not for me.

[TonyMetal86]

That's why if things can be truly fixed, she shouldn't leave her husband and instead of leaving him, she will help him to become a better person if she can.

A wife who loves her husband won't leave him if he abused her because she believes in his promises to become a better person, some of them are honest and they do become better people, the wife becomes very happy again to win her man back and she starts thinking what would of happened if she have left him while he was honest to her and truly changed...

This is why a wife, A GOOD WIFE will never leave before trying her best to make him become a better man!

[Kit_Kat88]

You would hit your wife?

[TonyMetal86]

@Kit_Kat88 if i get married why would i hit her, she knows that her man is the head of the house and is her entire life...

If i was angry, maybe i'll shout at her but i'll try my best avoid hitting her because hurting her is hurting myself, when she treats me like a king, i will make her a queen, so i guess who ever makes the fault will go later to hug and kiss to make up...

Also since she will be a housewife, no matter what she does, i'll never kick her out of the house or stop feeding her or taking care of her, it's just a situation where anyone can have a conflict than making up together...

In the end we need each other, forget what happens, learn from the mistakes and turn the page 🙂

[Kit_Kat88]

You’re saying that you’ll try your best so you can hit her if she really angers you

[TonyMetal86]

@Kit_Kat88 you see miss lion bar kit kat, i'm an honest and i don't lie, i'm someone who loses my temper fast, i can't assure that i won't raise my hand if she makes me very angry, a wife who knows her husband, knows where his limits and won't try to cross them...

Like i said i prefer to turn my back and go away, when she calms down, she will come crying to me begging me to forgive and i will forgive her...

If i hit her i'll feel very bad because like i said that she's a part of me and i only have this woman forever...

[Kit_Kat88]

I lose my temper frequently and feel the need to hit that person but I have self control to not use physical violence. Lol I’d imaginee you’ll be the first to shoot her if she cheats on you

[TonyMetal86]

@Kit_Kat88 maybe haha, cheating will make her my dead prey...

Miss kit kat a spouse can play wkth everything except the emotions and feelings of the other half because they might lead you to do the impossible

[TonyMetal86]

Some women accepted to be beaten and stayed with men and helped to change and when they asked them if their men cheated on them, will they forgive them? They all said no, imagine a beaten wife is less hurt than a wife who was cheated on!

[Kit_Kat88]

That’ll land you in jail but I understand the rage after discovering they were unfaithful but that still very wrong hahaha

[TonyMetal86]

@Kit_Kat88 who cares about jail when someone tries to rob your dignity from you...

I believe in true marriage and that is why i might act very violent cause i put my wholeself in the marriage and expect that the marriage remains forever... once married forever married 😊

[Justcallmealy]

You're really not the kinda guy I wanna meet lol

[TonyMetal86]

@Justcallmealy well we won't meet, even if you wanted to meet me, we can't cause we live very far away from each other so it won't happen in both cases and your comment is not inportant and don't know what your trying to prove...

Do you think that i care id a girl tells me that i'm not her type and that she doesn't want to meet me, of course not! I'll thank her for being honest 😄

I have no time to waste...

[Harmseygrace]

Women aren't rehabilitation centres for fucked up men.

[Justcallmealy]

@Harmseygrace Yes, this guy is just a real danger seriously... Just the way he thinks is toxic

[Harmseygrace]

@Justcallmealy I know. Kinda scary.

[TonyMetal86]

@Harmseygrace @Justcallmealy, you can both kiss my a*s, weird f*cked up female rats...

[JustWorthlessMe]

@Justcallmealy this kind of guy would beat up on women because men frighten him so much... especially dark-skinned men Your typical "Trump guy"

[Kit_Kat88]

It’s not nice to hurl insults

[Jjpayne]

It is sad this happens... the physical and the emotional. Sad part is, guys might not even know they are doing it or can control it. They need help and you can't help them. The best way to help them sometimes is to leave them. And people need to move on. The hurt you will carry with you but don't ever ever let them take your spark from you, the thing that makes you special and your happiness. Pray for them but let them go and move on your life.

[lightbulb27]

Quite a topic. I suspect there is a lot more abuse going on than is written about, it isn't just physical but emotional and can go both directions.

It's not easy to get out, the hooks are in, feels like love, there's good and bad. This why essential to have family, friends for support and external perspective and a path to get out. People do get stuck in this and I can see why. I've experienced some of this.

[btbc92]

Sadly that's not just in relationships, that's in Families too. I've lived with it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Completely agree.
In some families there's as much abuse as in some relationship, even of a sexual/affection type.

[Hypnos0929]

It's essentially the woman doesn't want to be proven wrong by friends, family, etc. In many cases she'd rather face stable abuse than suddenly being judged by everyone or hearing an "I told you so".
I think south park showed it perfectly with Cartman and Hydi. It's clearly toxic, she knows it, but she went back to him because she didn't want to face judgement.

With that being said there are obviously other reasons. Maybe the guy is a dangerous stalker, maybe she feels she deserves it, maybe she's been isolated.

[Anonymous]

I guess like this one time I was being verbally abusive to my boyfriend so rather than punch me like a lot of guys would he forcefully bent me across his knee, pulled up my skirt, pulled down my underwear and spanked me so hard that I couldn't sit down for a week. I didn't speak to him the rest of the whole night, we had sex that night and I was left very wet from the spanking. I told my parents who laughed and said it's about time he took charge of me.
I realise now I was wrong and have a lot more respect for him as a man and the sex is even better now, I keep our home tidy and clean now and always prepare his lunch for his work in the morning and his lunch in the evening.

[bamesjond0069]

You can't leave because you are borderline personality disorder or codependent and you enjoy and actually seek out men who will be like this. You like drama and the roller coaster of emotions and you feel empty without it. So much so if a man doesn't abuse you, you will leave him or cheat on him hoping he blows up in rage at you and hits you. Literally the thought of a man hitting you and raping you and controlling you makes you so wet, its all you desire. So of course you can't leave a man who is everything you want. And the attention from all the beta white knights doesn't hurt, you like that too. That's part of the game where you pretend to leave and come back.

[Danny_11]

I'm fortunate enough to have never experienced physical abuse in a relationship but one of my past relationships was mentally abusive. I stayed way longer than I should have because she convinced me I was an exceptionally kind person. I was able to see the good in her and so I was the one who was supposed to love her. I stayed until I finally reached my breaking point and realized I couldn't endure any longer

[aa180]

Women don't leave abusive guys cause they don't wanna give up the abusive sex he's giving them. They're willing to put up with violence outside of the bedroom so they can get their much needed dose of violence inside of the bedroom.

You haven't noticed how many women say that the best sex they've ever had was with their abusive ex?

[StingRayxoxo]

I have never heard that. Ever.

[aa180]

So you've never heard of girls loving rough, violent sex? Or having rape fantasies? You've never seen posts and takes on G@G where women talk about how their attraction towards "bad boys" is always a sexual one?

Are you really that ignorant?

[StingRayxoxo]

"You haven't noticed how many women say that the best sex they've ever had was with their abusive ex?" ---- no, never.

I highly doubt the women who have rape fantasies have actually been raped. That's probably more of a fantasy they have with their partner.

You're generalizing that all women are like that. They aren't. Surely you're not that ignorant?

[aa180]

It's a significant majority.

[StingRayxoxo]

I stand corrected. There is one Anonymous User that admits to getting off to it.

That is the polar opposite of me. I never want to be in that situation again.

[Justcallmealy]

Depends on the girl... Some are weird, yeah... You simply focuse on these ones instead of the normal ones that want «normal» sex

[ChiTown33]

I feel bad for any woman enduring domestic violence but i have to disagree with a lot of what you listed. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It's one thing to make a mistake but not learning from that mistake and repeating it again and again isn't forgivable.

[StingRayxoxo]

I agree with your statement about insanity. I should have also mentioned that in here-- I am responsible for my own choices that I made.

[Redstang88]

It’s the same excuses every time, I’ve seen it happen too many times to feel any sympathy.

Friends and family warned you - ignore them

See the red flags yourself - ignore them

Friends and family offer help - ignore them.

“Can’t leave” is bullshit. It’s won't leave. We all make mistakes, but at some point we have to take responsibility for them.

[Love2Jackit]

One thing 2 remember once a woman beater always a woman beater. I don't care how many times he says he will change. That's never going 2 happen. He only tells you what you want 2 hear. That way he can keep you close for the next time he beats you. The only way he can change is cut off his hands and balls. That way he can't hit you. Him having no balls will make him not care about abusive sex.

[Greentracksuit]

As insensitive and harsh to say this, but people who are suffering through domestic abuse and put up with it have not been beat hard enough, when it gets to that point they will find their self worth and stand up to their abuser, up until then any advice they receive will just fall onto deaf ears since they find solace in their victimhood.

[spartan55]

You think domestic abuse victims find solace in their victimhood? I don't think so bud.

[Greentracksuit]

@spartan55 In some cases, yes.