This is a very common question I hear people ask all the time, and I figured I could shed some light on this very complex matter. I don't have any personal experience when it comes to abuse in actual relationships, but I have had abusive friends who have behaved in harmful ways, and I've done quite a lot of research on the subject for many years.
The matter is not black and white, you can't just ask someone who is being abused "why don't you just leave?" because it's not that simple. And here's why.
1. They think they don't deserve better
Most abusive partners start out by being very sweet, caring and loving. Then, after a while, they slowly start to abuse their partner. They normalize it. They manipulate their partner in such a way that he or she starts thinking "maybe I'm just overreacting" and "maybe my partner is right, maybe I'm the problem, or I'm the one who did something wrong". The victim starts questioning his/her own thoughts, and whenever they confront their partner, they get shut down. The abuse is often very subtle, but also very efficient.
This slowly tears down the victim's self-confidence and self-esteem. They slowly start thinking that they deserve the mean and hateful comments, that they deserve the slap, or kick, or punch. And usually the abuser gains more control by forcing the victim to cut contact with his/her friends and family, and anyone who could help them realize that this behavior is not ok. The victim is isolated, brainwashed. And sometimes the abuser even mockingly says "I'm everything you have, you have no one else" and "you should be thankful that I'm even with someone as pathetic as you".
2. They're optimistic, to the point of being delusional
They think their partner will change. That this time they really mean it when they say they won't cheat, hit, kick or say abusive things. They're holding on to an image of their partner that isn't real, most likely the image of the partner before the abuse started, when they were still acting sweet and loving.
3. They fear for their life
This is especially real for those who put up with physical abuse. They're afraid that if they try to escape, their partner will try to kill them, or their child(ren). That they will hurt their family or someone else. Or even that the partner will commit suicide if they left.
However, even if someone isn't getting physically abused, this fear might still exist in them, because maybe their partner has shown violent traits in the past, such as breaking things, or being violent towards others. Or they, in general, just don't feel very safe around their partner, and fear that things could escalate dramatically if they tried to escape.
4. Embarrassment, denial
Maybe the victim has tried very hard to create this illusion that everything is perfect and that their relationship is normal, not only to everybody else, but to themselves too. They refuse to believe that what they put up with is happening, and maybe they even feel embarrassed and weak for being abused.
5. Financial dependency
The victim of abuse could be financially dependent on their partner, and decides to stay with them simply because otherwise they would be homeless, without food and without money.
6. Cultural and/or religious reasons
Maybe the victim is already married to his/her abuser, and they would be ostracized if they filed for a divorce, or wouldn't be taken seriously if they asked for help.
So, before judging a person in an abusive relationship, think long and hard about what they've gone through and what they could potentially go through if they tried leaving their abusive partner. Abusive people tend to be very dangerous and scary, so it's not like leaving them is always a safe and easy thing to do. And even if you manage to successfully leave them, they might still stalk you, show up at your door, threaten and harass you with phone calls and text messages, etc. Even if you have a restraining order against them and even if you try your best to hide from them.
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