**I recently went through family conflict and through my limited experience I pulled a lot of lessons together for myself. I felt inspired to share because I feel that I learn more when I invite others to add their own experience to it so i can see different perceptions- it's a lot to read, but I appreciate those who put in the effort in order to provide constructive feedback that I can use.**
Everyone physically grows up, but a lot of people maintain the "Peter Pan" syndrome of never emotionally maturing...
In order to become emotionally mature, we need to accept responsibility over our actions, choices & feelings. Not everyone wants that, because it means facing trauma, fears and a lot of psychological conditioning... What do we do we cannot make others grow up? We focus on ourselves and trust that others issues are none of our business.
This is hard for a lot of people to grasp the concept of accepting responsibility because...
In order to accept responsibility, we need to have the mental tools to focus on ourselves. What our parents are incapable of teaching us the universe will show us- the hard way. Not a lot of people prioritize focusing on themselves, because as a child they learned to focus on seeking validation externally of themselves. When we focus on fantasy we lose track of reality, we get stuck in toxic relationships where we desire to have others meed out needs instead of taking responsibility over ourselves and choosing to be happy despite. This requires a lot of childhood regression work- that's not always understood or prioritized- we also have to first believe that we are even worth all this hard work and self-love.
You might be wondering, "Why do I need to care about 'properly' adult-ing if I feel that no one else intends to do the same around me?"
Here's the thing, no one has to convince you to do anything. Just because I or someone else provides our own limited experience of guidance doesn't mean we are right or wrong or that you should do what we think is best- I don't know you and as an adult that can think for yourself... you don't need to give that power to anyone. SO, the real goal here is to show how by learning to accept and acknowledge that by none of us ever being capable of perfect is actually a strength and not a weakness... To show that no matter the state that we are in, as adults trying to do the proper thing... Would be to do our best to allow for honest communication in order to provide ourselves with the opportunity to share our imperfect and unfinished ideas... Because we are all growing together, just on our own solo and unique paths- that none of us need to expect to understand.
In order to believe we are worthy of giving ourselves a shot at a life of acceptance and love, we need to know what our responsibilities are and focus less on what others are or aren't doing...
SO HERE IS WHY WE CANNOT CONTROL OTHERS: (why the idea/concept of control is an illusion that is really only limiting yourself)
1) We cannot change others. "You can guide (lead by example) a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink". People have free will, if they don't believe they need to change- they won't and we cannot convince them why they deserve to change. We can temporarily manipulate if the person being manipulated doesn't have any boundaries for themselves. We manipulate others by either; playing victim or bullying (this is the act of not accepting responsibility over your own choices and feelings when you engage in manipulation- this is the act of telling others what they do and who they are (not focusing on your own actions, feelings or choices) but this starts an extremely unhealthy cycle of a weak foundation not based on trust... And once you go down that hole, it's requires a lot of time to heal (we all know how time is money, so this is extremely important not to waste anyones time)- if you intend to work towards a healthy relationship with that same person who will now be emotionally traumatized and potentially experiencing a sense of loss of self identity/worth, as well as, trust- which requires a lot of work for them to relearn/reprogram their mind that they are actually worthy of love as long as they learn to love themselves again to make the choice to start towards a path of working towards feeling worthy of a healthy relationship... Could mean that it's a high-risk of losing someone you love, emotionally and mentally, to their own self-destruction for the rest of your life and theirs. Meaning, they may never make the choice to do what it is they need to do in order to invite healthy habits/choices back into their life (especially if they never knew it existed). This limits you too.
2) What we say says more about ourselves than the other person we are talking about. When people disrespect you or insult you, is it because they are happy with themselves and have respect for themselves? Do you expect them to feel that way about themselves? We cannot change how others feel about themselves or think or act- that's their choice and their responsibility, right? So... Instead of focusing on what others do or don't do... We focus on what we say and what we do, because that is all we can do. When we are mindful of what we are saying or thinking in the present moment, we realize that we can make the choice to do something and we can practice self-control but we don't really have control over how everything goes around us. If we want to invite happiness into our minds and hearts, we need to focus on how we can meet our own needs and accept our own feelings... Because there is no way that we can understand others, let alone our own each time.
3) We need to accept our pain, learn to let go of pain so that we can move on towards expressing ourselves productively. Action speaks louder than words. We all hurt, we all feel alone, we are all insecure and we all hate ourselves, no matter what we say- and when we allow ourselves to let go of judgement on ourselves, let go of the need to control how everything has to be a certain way in our life... It means we are letting go of the idea of control of the outcome of what others do and instead focus on what you can do for yourself. It means we are letting go of the anxiety of focusing on a future that we cannot predict or a past that we can never change and instead focus on healthier more productive ways of how to express what we are feeling. When we let go of this idea of control (which we feel like we need control because we feel we need a sense of external stability- power, for safety- something we learned as children when dealing with parents)... And instead, learn to trust in ourselves and our strengths & believe that we are worthy of making mistakes and view our mistakes as stepping stones and not defining traits of our entire being to learn as we go with the flow of life that is too complex to understand... We will be able to also let go of stress and anxiety... Learn to love and accept ourselves as everything we are, right now... and then have the capacity to provide a safe space for others to just express themselves safely and allow them the room to grow through their mistakes as well....
When we have a community focused on helping each other to become assertive adults, having the tools to take care of ourselves... We provide a healthier environment for our children who will go through the exact same feelings, choices and mistakes, but in unique different situations- situations that we also cannot control. What we can do is make choices based on honesty and vulnerability- which requires strength and courage. These character traits can be built through action- not words. The action of when we love and accept ourselves enough to allow ourselves to face our pain, is when we build strength in our character. The action of when we love and accept ourselves to face our fears and stand up for ourselves, is when we build courage in our character. Action speaks louder than words and love is the belief in abundance. Listening to a lack-mindset of choices based on fear, doubt and shame leads us to a cycle of self-destruction and limitation where we limit ourselves to external sources of love (not self sufficient) that never last because it's not a firm foundation.
Only YOU know yourself best. YOU choose what you want & need based off how YOU feel.
No matter how others treat you, you can fight for yourself and bring yourself back. It just has to be your choice to believe you are worth the hard work and dedication to yourself- to prioritize yourself by focusing on what you DO WANT. You are worthy of taking the time to think about what you want, you don't owe anyone anything. You can help when you are able to, when you feel it's right- not because the world told you what you had to do in order to feel validated.
We know not what we do... Until after we learn, by seeing how we are responsible- then we have to accept that responsibility for ourselves- and that hurts. Most of us would rather hide in distractions to keep from facing the responsibility of ourselves because of how much we hurt once we see it.
Not all of us are always capable of walking in others shoes- of being strong enough to be empathetic, to be strong to care or be vulnerable after all the hurt, trauma and distrust...
We know how hard this is, because we see how hard it is to be there for ourselves when we are in pain- in need of choosing to love ourselves and find a way to meet our own needs. It's the same for everyone, we're all human- despite what others try to say or believe. Our strengths are others weaknesses. Our strength as a society is finding compassion for others even though we may not always understand- we won't ever always understand or make people choose what we think is best. And we are allowed to let go and love them, despite. We can be healthy without them in our lives and still love them.
Be there for yourself, love yourself the most to fight for what you feel you need because not everyone is strong enough to love after all the pain or able to help you. We are capable people, we just gotta believe we are worthy of giving ourselves a chance to fail and get back up again.