My experience with emotionally detached parents and how it influenced my view on relationships

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I promise this won't be long.

I also premise I'm not writing this myTake as woe-is-me or pity-me text, I'm writing it as a way to share my experience, and if possible gather those of fellow G@gers.

Like many, many G@gers and many people all over the world, I have mostly grown without parents. They got out of the picture pretty early on and the few moments they were present they either weren't involved or they just flat out ignored me and my sisters. As a result, I'm not very close with them, although I'm slightly more familiar with my mother since she's got the bad habit of popping up in my life from time to time.

Between themselves they always had this weird love-hate relationship that brought them to get together and break up multiple times - with a healthy dose of cheating in-between - to marry, divorce and even consider remarrying. This alone shows how emotionally unstable and immature they were and still are, and it's granted that children don't see many good things from this.

Me and my sisters got costantly moved around in different cities and raised by different relatives, and that naturally shattered any semblance of family cohesion. As a parent, you kinda know you suck when others have to raise your children for you and they barely recognize you when you drop by for Christmas or Easter, or whatever.

- My father

Textbook uncaring narcissist. How would you otherwise call a guy who swoons over a girl almost 20 years his junior, knocks her up 2-3 times, and then goes his merry way not without serving himself to said girl's family funds?

It kinda pisses off that the more I grow into adulthood, the more I resemble him physically speaking. Having a resemblance to such a crap man is one of the things that really make my stomach turn, that's why I alternatively shaved my hair and grew out moustaches and goatees, to muddle up said resemblance.

But I have to recognize that for being such a sh*t man, guy practically got everything he wanted in life and now sits comfortably in a beautiful house on the lake of Garda. He's a big name in his area of work, he's considered handsome for his age, and health speaking he's healthier than me.

Oh, and he barely speaks with me or my sisters, the few times I wanted to visit him I had to call first like I had to set an appointment. Still, 11/10 I guess...?

Not actually him, but pretty similar...

- My mother

Oooooh boy. You know you got to rethink your life choices when you are pregnant with your third child and you aren't even 21. And you should know you are messing up big time when your idea of living the life and breaking the big occasions in the well society is being the ''company lady'' - her words - of married men who are like 20-30 years older than you. And even when you finally start raking in more than 1000€ per night you still manage to not only squander it all, but also get in debt and have to skip town.

See, the thing that pisses me off the most about her is not that she's such a crap mother, is that she's awfully incompetent. This woman really managed to score it big, and yet up to this day she's got nothing left. She calls me and my sister, or that poor soul of my aunt only when she needs money.

Oh, and not just that. I remember with a certain fondness that Christmas of 2009 when she arrived unannounced 10PM, skunk drunk or coked up and screaming how her children were stolen for her. Or when she would tell me how all men, me included, are pigs while she was getting on the make up and lacy dress to go out with one said pig. Fun times.

But don't I dare date a woman who's not Christian or not white! That'd ashame her, and also Church is very important! I mean, alright that Jesus let the whore in the temple, but at least she didn't act all self-righteous about it.

Don't you dare call me a whore, I'm your mother and you have to respect me! By the way, would you have 100 to lend me?

---

Alright, maybe I went a bit overboard, but I'm not being resentful at all. I'm just having fun writing this little roast for them that was supposed to be a reflective myTake and something to learn from.

But fear not, a little but good lesson is there.

Okay, maybe I'm not that good...

For all their faults, they taught me a very important thing - everything that a good parent or a stable human being should NOT do. How healthy relationships and marriages are NOT what they had. How a stable and healthy family is what they NEVER tried to make work.

And with all my faults and mistakes, I'm striving to be the exact opposite of what they are. My fiancee is the exact opposite of my mother - despite this weird thing of sharing the same name first name and a vague physical resemblance - and I'm the exact opposite of my father - despite the familiar resemblance.

My eldest sister is happily married with a man she loves with all her heart and that loves her and they are setting up their home. My other sister has her issues but she's slowly fixing up her life.

I hope this little myTake/roast/bad stand up comedy act entertained you, made you laugh and maybe gave you something to think about.

Feel free to comment and share you experience if you went through something similar or worse. I'll be happy to read your answers!

Thank you, I love all of you! Good night!

[AmandaYVR]

Yep. I'm not exactly sure what to say here. Am I surprised? Nah. Cause lots of shit happens in life, in the world, and there are so many half broken people. I think people should stop romanticizing, and being ostriches with their heads in the sand. I just answered a question on abortion. Care to guess which side I fall on? (I feel very strongly about it.)

All I can really say is... 1. You're a good writer. And considering English is not your first language, I presume, it's especially impressive. When you do write, you're one of the better writers on here. And 2. Just hang in there and count on the fact that eventually this stuff, these experiences, will feel less raw. Trust me. I can't tell you when, and it still might be quite some time, but one day you'll be looking back on it and just not feel the same sting and intensity anymore. (I didn't see much humour in this yet, but you keep trying. That's a good goal to have.)

Sounds like my parents were not as bad as yours (I was not abandoned by my mother, so there's that), but I can also tell you that I've got some far worse skeletons under my house, too (and yes, I mean family house, not my personal closet.) But they've made me who I am today. I have a lot of compassion, and empathy, and morality, and perspective. I am open-minded, comparatively speaking, to what I generally see out there, and I don't exist to tell other people how to live their lives. Judgement is far too rampant nowadays. I know that people are flawed and I do not expect them to be otherwise. I have patience, apparently. I also simultaneously really notice, appreciate, and respect effort. It is very easy for me to acknowledge this in others. When I see good in them, I tell them. It is no skin off my back, and I think people deserve to know. It makes life, and the world, a litte bit... nicer.

I'm not trying to be facetious, or trying to 'paint it pretty' here, Jean, when I say this - you do have some advantages, having been through all this shit and there is some value in that. And I'm not talking about realism (what some others incorrectly term pessimism.) You can now feast on the marrow of life, knowing just how powerful and potent that is. This is your life, no one else's, and what you decide goes. It's very unfortunate you didn't have a strong support system, not even close, but you have seen behind the curtain, and this perspective can be used to a benefit. Even if that is just passing along the wisdom of what you have garnered, about how not to do life. You kick ass, Jean. And look in the rearview mirror back at them, and be proud of whomever you turn out to be. Because the credit does not belong to them, your parents. It will be more of an achievement knowing it is yours, and (almost) yours alone.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

As always you write the most beautiful and in-depth opinions my friend, and I have to thank you for your compliments and kind words.
English is not my first language and neither is the language I speak every day (Italian), but I'm glad I'm writing it well!

I admit I put it in an almost comical and overblown way, but everything I wrote is true.
For all of it, I admit that I recognize that I have been luckier than many, many people - for all their faults, my parents never hit me or abused me in other ways.
Something that I think is that my mother kept away most of the time because deep down she knew her lifestyle wasn't good for her kids. And my father occasionally did something good.

You are perfectly right on everything, and although I don't know what kind of past you have and how dark it is, I understand that you have went through a lot of bad moments and to come out from those with your kindness, empathy and goodwill it takes a special strenght and intelligence that I really admire about you.

Again, thank you for your kind words and encouragements. I do hope that things will keep going well even in those turbulent times, for both you and me.

[Unit1]

Yep. That's our wise and kind Amanda right there 😊

[AmandaYVR]

@Unit1 Jean-Marie, Unit... aww, thank you so much, guys. That's really kind of you. I'm touched. 🥀

[Unit1]

You are most welcome Ms. Amanda! Now you see how men feel when a woman loves him :)

[Nades]

Hey Amanda I need ur advice on a girl

[AmandaYVR]

@Nades Sure. Your account is private so don't know if you've posted a question about it or not. Contact me however you choose. My account is open, no restrictions.

[Nades]

Alright I’ll do u

[Nades]

I’ll dm* u 😂😂😂😂😂

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

Thank you very much for sharing. I don't find it laughable at all. So sorry for your pain. Please be you and be different. You're smart that you can notice the flaws of so called "parents". Bad behaviors are bad. We can be better than them, and can have a healthy relationship with someone as we'd like.

Can I share your story to my folks, please? This is valuable for teens and young people. They should see this and learn how "fun times" can break a child's heart.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them.
Naturally you are free to share this, I'd be very happy if you did!

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

Garzie. Merci.

Have a nice day.

[el_Te_de_la_Rosa]

Oh. Man. Grazie. Lol 😂

[Unit1]

"I'm striving to be the exact opposite of what they are."

Very familiar song. As soon as I started doing that too, I too noticed how my life starts rising up from the ashes. Out of the frying pan.

As for me I recall not being grown with love but being "kicked around" and a punching bag (more verbal than physical).

That left me with mommy issues. One very good way to explain this is: If a mom isn’t there (or is inadequate to say the least), this can cause a guy to have mommy issues. In relationships, he may become quickly attached in order to hold onto a close connection, trying to fill the void that his mother left behind.

The void is real. I feel it every day. It is something, that I live with. Almost like being born a certain ethnicity or blood type. It stays there. It's part of who you are.

"they taught me a very important thing - everything that a good parent or a stable human being should NOT do. How healthy relationships and marriages are NOT what they had."

I know it only too well!

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, I had the luck that at least they didn't stick around to abuse me.
I hope you are doing well or at least better now.

[Unit1]

I'm doing better now that i live alone, make some money and hire prostitutes a few times (those are much easier to access than drugs if you ask me). Being stripped from basic human rights, basic human needs and child support as a child led me to all of it.

[ZackBan]

You definitely know your way around the English vocabulary that's for sure.
All and all I'm sorry for the hand you've been dealt and glad to know you're working on being better.

But if I'm being honest that exact same story you just told is enough material to create the most degenerate comic book villain ever seen. I mean you wouldn't be to blame if you became The Joker after all this.

But that's a joke. In reality you get to chose what you become your parents have no say or influence if you don't give them any.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understand.
I think you are right, but at least I have had the luck they never got abusive or hit me or my sisters.
I know there are kids who are hit and abused by their parents and that to through much worse.

[ZackBan]

Yeah there's always worse, and always better but you're smart enough to see it and that makes you less likely to be affected.

You know your story reminds me of the tv show "Good Behavior". I think it's on Netflix, in case you don't know it it's about a woman very similar to your mom who's trying to be better for her young son but can't always help it.
It ran for two season. Not the best show I've ever seen but you might have a different perspective on it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understand, thank you for your compliments about my writing by the way.

I understand, I've never seen that series but it seems interesting.
Sometimes my mother tries to mend the relationship, but she's too immature to keep it up.

[Anonymous]

Seems to me this kind of unfortunate situation happens more than people think. That being said, I think you need to take actions, and a kind of solid, stern thinking if you are ever going to see justice.

1. There will likely be absolutely no justice without you playing dirty either physically or psychologically.

2. Do whatever you can to be OK whether your parents help out with it or not. If you have to be fake a bit towards them, do it. Ends justify means and they deserve to be fooled.

3. Learn to be great at deep psychological thinking or what a lot of people label as "overthinking." Know how to read people well and sniff out weak points. Basically, be able to see the world and it's weak points like a narcissist would, without being narcissistic.

4. Especially once you are in a decent position, not dependent or in debt at all to your parents, let them have to deal with things that may drive them to tears.

-Yell at them. Yell very very hard, best done over the phone so you are physically protected
-If they value religion, absolutely trash it and let them know you are doing so.
-If they go to any church, alert every pastor and person that goes there just how bad they are. An epic win would be them no longer allowed to attend. To them, that's a loss of friends and possibly status.
-If you are lucky and like many, a huge value to them would be to have grandchildren. Deny them it. Do not have kids. Ever. Tell them they made a mistake lacking care for you, therefore, you do not have means for both yourself and kids. I would advise you to push your siblings to think the same way. This can further erode their status as others around them become grandparents, while they do not.

There are many ways to manipulate them into giving you what you need. Do it. Then when you are out of their grasp, back-stab them. Hard. Do not hold back. They obviously were not ready to ever handle having kids and did so anyways due to their own greed. Let this fact be part of what makes them break down

All in all, the goal here is to eventually strike back at them, if not physically or financially, at least emotionally. Nobody these days seems to actually understand how to handle a narcissist because non narcissists are then either too naiive, friendly, etc to imagine that kind of person exists. If you want justice, do it on your own but just make sure too that nobody else gets hurt except your parents.

If you want good shows to watch that may help you learn psychological and ethical sides of narcissism, manipulation, emotion toying, etc. I highly suggest:

A Series of Unfortunate Events (Netflix)
Devilman Crybaby
Welcome to the NHK
and ESPECIALLY
The Joker Movie. (I despise the Joker/Harley Quinn duo as it's toxic, a bad influence, etc. But the Joker movie shows how a bad cycle is simply repeating itself, and it did not just come from anywhere)

[MarkRet]

I also had bad parents. My dad was strict, and felt the best way to raise a child was with discipline, so he was always hitting me, or threatening to hit me. He was disdainful of anything new, always complaining, had no hobbies or interests, no ambitions, so I learned virtually NOTHING from him. He was also very uncomfortable with the subject of sex and relationships.

My mother was naive to the point of being like a giggly 5-year old girl in an adult body, so I learned nothing from her either.

I had no brothers or sisters to compare notes with, so to speak, so I had to teach myself virtually everything, starting with teaching myself to ride a two-wheel bike. I was withdrawn in high school, and didn’t even TALK to girls, because I didn’t know what to say to them, and they usually made fun of me anyway.

After graduating high school, I put myself through business school (paid for it myself), got an associate degree, got a better job in a different part of the state, and left my old world behind. Career-wise, I moved up the ranks. Social-wise, I started doing things I wanted to do, which expanded my world, did a lot of growing up, and broke out of a lot of shells. I got married, and we had two daughters.

I started out with not much of anything, and built myself into a much more positive person. The scars from long ago are still there, but I’ve become a better and more accomplished person than either of my parents.

[Saville_Row]

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. But from bad experiences we are shaped into the human beings we are meant to be. By the looks of it, you are striving to be someone much, much better than your parents.

I have always thought that the perfect time to have kids is when you become a person who can teach them something. Sadly, most parents only think about themselves and live in the moment; children be damned.

I had the fortune of having a great father who departed this world after giving me the tools I needed to cope with life, but my mother is not that great. Sometimes I wonder what my father saw in her, as she was uncaring on my childhood, doesn't know how to speak to her older son (or younger daughter, which would be me) and would gladly manipulate us into doing things for her. Everything I learned about being a woman, about relationships, friends, taking care of my appearance, career, etc... all came from the outside world, and from seeing my best friends's mothers being loving and caring to their sons. Giving them advise. I think my mother married my father because that was what she was supposed to do. To have someone who would feed her and protect her.

It definitely tells me how I don't want to be.

[lightbulb27]

Speechless, glad you have this perspective now... as awful as it is. you are a survivor, your own person.

Are you sure your father isn't a mafia or pimp boss, and your mother wasn't coerced into prostitution at a young age? I seriously doubt as a little girl she choose this life... she sounds like she was entrapped. Too many girls/ women are controlled by powerful men until they are burnt out or they find an avenue out. The expensive drugs and alcohol are the way used to numb the pain they have, and it costs them everything. Read about human trafficking...

I'm very sorry to hear, but I hope you can break the cycle and be there for your kids. Looks are not as relevant, insides are.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'm very sure my father is not a pimp or mafia because he's a big whimp, and far from violent. Plus he's ashamed of my mother especially for that.
He just had more luck, while my mom just had horrible ideas that didn't work out in the end.

[Edanurus]

This makes me understand more about you're situation in life and your relationship with your fiance.

Your parent may have shown you what's wrong in a relationship but they never taught you what a right relationship is like and I feel like that's what you're struggling with right now in your own relationship.

"But don't I dare date a woman who's not Christian or not white!"
This really jumped out at me. Your fiance is an Atheist, one that you are struggling to reconcile with if your other questions are taken into account. Is this some deep desire to "get back" at your mother or is it just a coincidence?

Maybe I'm reading too much into it but this but to me is almost textbook dysfunctional blood family getting in the way of every other relationship in the future..

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I have to admit you have a lot of goof points.
Thankfully religion is not a big issue for us, we mostly disagree on other things - professional and personal - among those being my fiancée's point that I should not be resentful or hold any grudge towards my mother.

But I admit that perhaps consciously I do many things to get back at my mother. I enjoy showing her I don't care about what she thinks and that she's got no right of opinion in my life.

[Edanurus]

Sure I wasn't trying to imply that your issues with your fiance are down to religion. It's more that you might ignore what's best for you to get back at her. Obviously this is all very one sided since I can't talk to others involved.

The way you describe your parents I see no issue with feeling resentful over it but certianly agree with the grudges.

I don't have any issues with what you consciously do might be wrong but at least you realise what you're doing, subconsciously however is something everyone needs to look at and try and understand.

[DizzyDesii]

Damn well hopefully you turned our better than them. I’ve been there
The Rise AND Fall of a Role Model: A Mother’s Quest

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I've read it, it's a beautiful myTake!

[DizzyDesii]

Yea so just know i understand your pain. Just learn from their mistakes and dont do it to your future kids

[not329446]

Bad parents are difficult to comprehend even when you've been there. I experienced cold alone and hungry. I refused to let it rule my life.
I made the decisions that define the path my life took. I've heard the psychological crap about hating what my parents did. I may not like what they did but there's no hate. I cannot say the same of brothers and sisters. 3 of 11 siblings cry poor me I was abused. I have issues and it's all their fault. I have no sympathy for them. They chose a life of booze and drugs.
Older siblings tried to help the younger ones but you can't help people who won't help themselves. One never saw 40 one will not get to 50. Bad parents do leave you with many sociological challenges to overcome but they don't have to define your life. A little common sense and some education will allow you to be better than your parents.

[The_Sword]

I would suggest to you, that you look into Sam Vaknin, his videos on YouTube go into narcissism at great depth, and he also explores similar cluster B personality disorders.. he has a lot of advice and insight that can help in better surviving various forms of exposure to narccistic abuse/trauma.. So that you might get some further insights that will help you to more fully develop past these influences and experiences. Most people who have that kind of exposure, often adopt aspects of ptsd, or cptsd, which lead to mimicking certain hard to detect patterns and pyschopathic tendencies, as part of a defence mechanism that helps you cope with managing the emotional flashbacks: without a therapist that is an expert in cptsd, I would highly recommend consuming some of Sam Vaknin's content (he is the leading expert on narcissism, and very in touch with all cluster B research).

[blutwolfe]

I can relate on some levels with the neglect/abandonment thing, was also abused as a kid somewhat and I totally ruined their lives I shouldn't of been born etc, more so my mother than my dad, but they're both pretty much losers now I can see that their opinions are meaningless.

granted I didn't end up a model citizen at all but I didn't end up horribly either. You gotta realize sometimes life isn't so bad and you still have it much better than others, I really wouldn't think about people who have it better than you or I.

funny you mention you're the opposite of your parents too, even though my parents are different I'm somehow the opposite of both of them, and I try to find a woman that's the opposite as my mom too and if I ever had kids I'd try everything I can to give them the life I couldn't have

[Anonymous]

I am having emotionally detached mother and it affected my teenage years very badly. She would only care about what I was offering her and what was I capable to do. She NEVER CARED about my mental health. I hate her so much. She broke my spirit inside and out. However I fought her and I switched my major. She still mocks me but I'm following my own path.

[Milli95]

Same with me except I succumbed to it

[rose004b]

I can't imagine what your parents have put you through, but I do know that a lot of people aren't strong enough to do better. I can tell that you strive to be a better human being than your parents from the content you post. Responsibility and doing the right thing is a big concern for you.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, interesting, though didn't you mention at one point that you came from a high class background & that was one of the reasons you married your wife cause your both from a similar background? Please correct me or fill me in if I misinterpreted.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's true, both my parents come from affuent families and that's a saving grace because at least we were economically covered from their hijinks.
Although my father is pretty well off on his own, my mother still manages to live comfortably despite her debts and other economic problems. Economic problems that I never had to experience. Her costantly asking money is because she's crap at handling it and spends without any regard - plus her work as "company lady" wasn't completely out of economic necessity, but more because she actually enjoyed that and lacks any real talent.

I'm not married, but my fiancée is from a good family and so is mine mainly because of my aunts and grandparents. Our surnames do hold some reputation here, especially my fiancée's. I'm mostly working to make a career for myself and establish my reputation.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for clarifying.

[ask4any]

Your wise beyond your years my friend. As you should be, considering your past. I'm sorry for your upbringing. I guess we relate so well because we are cut from same familial cloth. I felt like I was reading my life story

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words my friend, I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I really hope you didn't get hit or abused.

[ask4any]

Almost daily. My stepdad would bash me in the head with unopened cans of beer.

[ask4any]

My mom always chose the men over me. She was out partying, getting drunk, coked out of her mind and keep me in my bedroom and if I came out I got the tennis racket

[BeenThereLovedIt]

Nice write up - I know how you feel and you are excellent at putting it into words.

I've published only one mytake and I believe that you would find it useful, I promise it will help. Check it out on my profile.

[bubbles328]

Sorry you had this experience from someone else with toxic parent! I get that you needed to get it all out somewhere and I hope this helps you move on

[pleasestopthis]

You had it rough. I wish you the best in life, and for you to not make the same mistakes your parents made, since you know firsthand how great a damage selfishness can cause. Nice take.

[Anonymous]

Damn that's a big read, my mom too was a prostitute and addict I feel for u my man

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'm sorry you had to go through that

[meinu57]

God, I wish I could meet and talk to you. I'm not pitying you, But you seem to dealing with issues that may be beyond your control. This whole covid thing has prevented me from actually touching anyone. Find someone to feel. Have sex if you want to. We are all so distant, human contact is needed

[Anonymous]

"I mean, alright that Jesus let the whore in the temple, but at least she didn't act all self-righteous about it"
Ouch. Oooouch.

[Suxxie18]

Tbh I get a bitter taste hearing your dad got scot free like that, piece of shit should be in jail smh