Commitment in an unlabelled relationship. Is it possible?

[AnberlinCanucks]

I’ll be honest, when I met my man, and we agreed to not being in a relationship but seeing where it goes and having fun along the way, I thought that this arrangement might last a few months and we would either decide it wasn’t working and part ways, decide to just stay friends, or we’d have a label. That was more than two years ago. And yes, we still have this arrangement. We’re together, but we’re not “together”. And it’s the best thing ever!

Here has what I’ve learned along the way to make this work.

1. DON’T Google. I am telling you that while you try to decipher how he or she feels about you, you’re missing out on good times, good memories, happiness. Google is FILLED with articles telling you a relationship without a label is likely doomed to fail or that it’s due to a lack of commitment, of being able to just ghost someone because you were never together. It will cause you so much unnecessary anxiety.

2. DO communicate. I know how nerve wracking it can be to want to have the “What are we and what are we doing?” conversation. You want to know where they stand but you’re nervous that it might end what you have. Take the risk. Have the heart to heart. Set your boundaries and get both of you on the same page. Make sure you both know where you stand and what your expectations and comfort levels are.

3. DON’T get clingy. No matter how you both act with and towards each other, there’s still no label, so don’t be getting all up in that mushy PDA stage 5 clinger crap and blow up their phone if they don’t answer you for a while. That’s the fastest way to drive them away

4. DO give space and freedom. Regardless of you level of “together”, they have a life separate from you. Let them have it. Find your balance.

5. DON’T make assumptions or set your own expectation. Not only can this drive you into becoming a crazy anxiety ridden nutcase who does every single DON’T on this list, but you will drive the other person away when you explode with your emotions or get angry at them for not fulfilling the ideals you had with them in your head. Your girl wants to go for a night out with her friends? Let her. Your guy wants to go on a fishing trip with his buddies? Let him. And DON’T blow up their phone while they’re gone. Just because they’re going with someone other than you doesn’t mean they’re looking for something better or something else. Let them have fun, and they’ll come running home to you every time. Have some trust. Also, creating more romantic fantasies in your head about the other, can drive you crazy when it’s not given in reality.

6. DO leave yourself open for some hurt and vulnerability. And this one is the most important. It was also the most difficult for me, being an abuse survivor. You will never heal, you will never grow, you will not learn to trust unless you let your walls down, even if ever so slightly. I didn’t want to. I was safe behind my walls after years of abuse from childhood on. But I couldn’t see the beautiful thing I had in front of me until I took them down.

I had this wonderful man who was there and committed to me. Who was ready to show me the opposite of what I had experience all my life. But couldn’t because I had learned I would just get hurt. Leaving myself vulnerable has healed all of that past hurt and pain. I’ve learned to trust again. And although we sit here, over 2 years later, still without a label, it’s honestly the most beautiful “relationship” I’ve ever had. I learned to love again. I’ve learned to trust again. I know that we are both deeply committed to each other and it makes us that much stronger. Without the label, we have no pressure to conform to societal expectations. We do me and him, and we do us, and in our weak moments, we have this strong, solid foundation to fall back on and carry us through.

In my experience, living two years in an unlabelled relationship, yes, it’s absolutely possible for it to work, and for both participants to have complete commitment to each other. Keep your lines open and be honest with each other. Know your boundaries and what you are and aren’t comfortable with and it just might be the most beautiful thing ever. Communication is key.

[Shivvy123]

You have basically just wrote what my life is now. We're new. No labels and decided to see how it goes. If you didn't mind answering a question or two for me I'd be grateful for you to DM me 🙂

[AnberlinCanucks]

Sure. Sent a follow request to message

[SecretGardenBlood65]

Good take.

[NYCQuestions1976]

Post-divorce I don't want labels on anything either when opportunities present themselves. One failed marriage is more than enough for a lifetime.

[AnberlinCanucks]

I’m divorced as well. He has been engaged but never married. My anniversary with my ex-husband was last month. We got married 2 years to the day that we met and I was already pregnant with our 2nd child (4th pregnancy but had two miscarriages). And when it passed last month, I could help but fall more in love with what I have now, appreciate it even more. Where we are right now is absolutely perfect and it’s because of this, because of our foundation, that we are so strong, even when we do have fights, and yes we have had them. Several times. Every point I have made in this is a mistake I made, and what I learned from it. I’m grateful to have a man who understands that I have deep rooted damage back to my childhood but only wants to heal it. I do suspect he feels more strongly for me than he lets on, and he knows how strongly I feel for him, but as he said the other day, he doesn’t want to ruin things with labels but we are both committed to each other. I feel like this is actually the best and most healthy relationship I have ever had.

[NYCQuestions1976]

I'm glad everything is working out for you. I know you're a single parent like me (we've chatted briefly on and off in the past when you first met your new significant other) and it can be tough bringing a new person around your kids. I personally have no interest in being serious with anyone and bringing them around, and will only partake in "adult fun" behind the scenes. I don't ever want to have to explain where "Girl X" went if it doesn't work. Hopefully everything keeps working out for you. 👍

[NYCQuestions1976]

Thanks for Most Helpful. 👍

[djmzes]

Simple

[AnberlinCanucks]

Pretty much.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I think the most important thing you said, and it applies to all relationships whether they are defined or not is the part about giving your partner space and freedom to live their own life. Too many people try to take over their SO's life, make it all about them. They allow themselves to be changed and give up their individuality, which in the end makes us dull and boring. PSA - Don't let this happen to you!