Doesn't agreeing to an exclusive or monogamous relationship necessarily mean you are giving up the chance to have other experiences?

[OlderAndWiser]

When I began college, I wanted to be a music major. My choices were performance/piano or conducting. My parents were against those choices, so I was "steered" into a safer direction and eventually became a lawyer. I love practicing law, but every time I attend a symphony concert, I wonder if I could have become that conductor. or if I could have become the artist playing the piano concerto.

But I also realize that if I had become a conductor or pianist, I might have spent the rest of my life wondering, "what if I had become a lawyer?" The simple truth is that as you become an adult, you realize that there are only 168 hours in every week, you only have so much energy to devote to your pursuits, and whatever you decide to pursue . . . those other things will necessarily remain in the category of missed opportunities. I couldn't be a pianist, a conductor, AND a lawyer; if I had tried, I probably would have failed miserably at each of the three endeavors.

And so it is with relationships. When I was dating, after three or four dates, I usually decided that this lady was a real contender for a permanent partner, or she wasn't a contender. If she was, I would stop dating any other woman I had been seeing. That happened many times and, sometimes, I wondered if I had chosen the right one. Ultimately, I met Miss Helen, fell in love, married her, and have no regrets.

In discussions of infidelity or cheating, I sometimes hear the excuse, "our relationship had become boring and I was missing out on opportunities." Yes, being faithful in a committed means you are missing the oppportunity to discover relationships with others but that is what you promised when you agreed to be exclusive or monogamous or committed. But if, instead, you want to devote your life to casual sexual relationships, you are missing the opportunity to become involved in a committed, monogamous relationship.

If you are bothered by the prospect of missing out on opportunities because of your commitment, doesn't that just mean that you are not yet at a point in life where you are capable of making a commitment AND then honoring that commitment? (Of course, some people will never reach that point.) So, if that's what you want, why go through the motions of pretending you want a committed relationship and then breaking someone's heart?

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Yes. But the choice will be made, whether we make it actively or passively. I think some people think that they can leave their options open and never make a choice. But that in itself is making a choice. It's choosing an unstable life with no commitment. It's choosing no depth in relationships. It's choosing to live a life that avoids sacrifice or risk. It's choosing "options" at the expense of quality relationships and legacy.

We all make choices. Some of us just choose to be proactive with those choices.

[OlderAndWiser]

Bingo. Make your choices or your choices will be made for you.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@OlderAndWiser Yep! :D

[AviatorTom]

Very well said. Yes, a committed relationship does miss out on experiences with other women. But it allows you and your partner to grow and experience things together... that you might otherwise miss out on.

[AviatorTom]

Thanks for MHO

[Summeroflove]

There are SO many people who marry for the wrong reasons as well as dark personality characters of both sexes who cannot or won’t make a genuine connection with another human being.

Sure as human beings nobody is perfect we all fall into temptation and sometimes…. Do things that are wrong. The difference is that good especially genuine Christian’s. They feel horrible for it, they try to make it right, and they do better. People who aren’t will keep doing it and just excusing it as well as justifying what they did. Both to themselves as well as everyone else.

People marry because they’re sleeping around just to marry the first person they knock up for a man or for a woman the first man who knocks her up. That can be a recipe for disaster. People marry for materialistic purposes, social status, lusting after one’s beauty/handsomeness, and a lot of other superficial reasons. The chances of someone cheating are extremely high.

They don’t genuinely love the other person and if one loves the other a whole lot more… The chances are that that person later becomes extremely miserable later down the road. They will probably begin wondering what it will be like to be with other people. Because their marriage really only has one thing going for it and that’s the sex. Once they get bored. Once they have nothing else to gain and eventually loose that too. They will sleep around. Don’t get me wrong it’s not a excuse they should be the better person.

But as for the people who marry for money for instance along with other things like that. Those people will cheat 9.99/10. Maybe there is a exception to the rule but most of them do. They don’t love their partner they may fake it but they don’t. A lot of times by the time they get caught they have done it a million times and either gotten brazen or are at the point where they’re ready to discard you so they don’t care anyways.

Most people are EXTREMELY careful the first time they cheat. You have to keep a really good eye out if you want to catch most people the first or even first number of times. But once they get away with it so many times they become more and more brazen. Until they eventually get caught. But a lot of times they are good at gaslighting people but that’s a whole other topic at hand.

Two people who genuinely love one another have a beautiful connection between one another. A bond that’s stronger then anything. They are best friends. They lean on one another for emotional support. They can truly be themselves together and exist together peacefully. Not fighting all the time and everything else. Not saying any relationship or person is perfect.

But those people MOST of the time will not cheat. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen where someone makes a bad choice in life. But they feel absolutely horrible about it.

[ohsheeT]

Not eating when two people are grown up and they can do that and still have that bond with each other it just brings them even closer it's a spiritual thing as a this is who I am and I'm proud of myself and depending on the rules I mean when you go into a relationship either one of those there is a love and a commitment and something special that you have with that person in order to even do that and you're on a whole different frequency you're in a different world you're different Lane than most people you're grown up and it's not all about all the other crap in life that we think it is important it's not if you have love trust and respect and you both know that and you both are committed to that and you both share that each and every day you couldn't ask for anything better it's beautiful

[Purpleronnie]

Agreed ! , the problem is in our western world today is that people are constantly looking over the virtual social & social media fences and comparing ! . They feel they a they should be doing better and having better in every aspect of their lives and relationships just because someone else SEEMS to have more or better or bigger. Focusing on what they perceive to be missing from their lives or relationships or wrong with their partner under a microscope. They don’t want to work for it or at it , they don’t want to build it , they don’t want to create it or maintain it… believing they SHOULD just have it because they are somehow owed it or that their life should be that easy because that how they perceive it to be for others
But those that would influence are selling a LIE, living their best fake life , a fictitious presentation of what they are , they’re relationship , or they’re life is … and so the cycle continues
Almost nothing in this world is a given , starting with a biological and geography lottery and yet so many somehow believe that they ‘just’ deserve so much more because they breathe air. There are generally an infinite amount of opportunities for us all , from the choices we make, but please make no mistake these are not GIVEN, your are not OWED THEM !!! they are CREATED , BUILT & MAINTAINED and barring fortune , what you will get out of life and relationships is exactly proportional to what you invested.

[WindAtMyBack]

This is about the most profound thing I have read on GaG in my twelve years here. But much of this comes with age, and having many years of hindsight to look at the route we have taken.

I once wrote a long essay on the paths chosen in life, and how we will never know where the alternate path would have taken us.

I remember when I was doing construction work, working with guys a fair amount younger. I suppose I had told some stories now and then. One day I made a comment about how my life wasn't going anywhere. One of the younger guys perked up and said "What are you talking about? I wish I had done half the stuff you have."

I had told stories of adventure. He was married, had a son, and owned a house. He felt he was missing the adventure. I felt I was missing the wife and child. I was envious of him, and he was envious of me.

There is no way to know where the other path might have led. We only know our own path. No matter what path we choose, we are giving up the other path.

[Keyboardkat]

Robert Frost wrote a poem on just this topic. It's called, "The Road Not Taken."

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

"If you are bothered by the prospect of missing out on opportunities because of your commitment, doesn't that just mean that you are not yet at a point in life where you are capable of making a commitment AND then honoring that commitment?"

Well, capacity to commit, commitment in itself can easily mean a moral only perspective. Which is one side of the world, the other side being keen desire for someone, for this one and not the others. As I've seen cold commitments crumble (and ending up in cheating) by a lack of self-awareness or a blind focus on morality, then I think commitment is misleading, as a concept.

In my eyes, interest in someone, relating to someone for who they are, the good they do to us, the good we can do to them, is the leading trail. In this perspective, commitment is a natural consequence of this all, not the cause.

[Unit1]

One can only do so much in life and not violate code of conducts or forfeit other possibilities. Unless of course you are as wealthy as the Tate brothers.

One thing, that puzzles me is how people can claim to love someone but dread at the idea of being with and seeing your love every single day from dawn to dusk and night. Duh?

[AnonAndrew]

Every choice means giving up other things, of course.

That being said, monogamy is not the best choice. Human beings are evolved for polyandry, where one woman has multiple husbands, so to choose monogamy is to choose to miss out on the only form of natural relationship for humans, in favor of an unnatural one.

Choosing polyandry is choosing what is natural and good, and "missing out" on what is wrong and unnatural.

[OlderAndWiser]

I see nothing in evolution that indicates humans are best served by polyandry. It is a choice, and some people may feel more comfortable with that choice. You may want to think that your choice represents a majority position because there is some comfort in being a part of the majority, but simply wanting to think it doesn't make it true.

Most people are happier with monogamy. Only about 11% of all American adults are or have previously been involved in a polyamorous relationship. If you don't want to believe what I have said, please cite a source which reports a valid survey indicating otherwise.

[AnonAndrew]

I never said it's a majority position. I can't produce a survey that says that, because it's obviously not.

What I said is that it's the kind of relationship that we are evolved for, which is a completely different thing.

[OlderAndWiser]

Your proof that we have evolved for polyamory?

[AnonAndrew]

@OlderAndWiser
A few examples:
1. Women are slower to orgasm than men, yet can have multiple orgasms. A man comes quicker than a woman, and then he's done. A single woman can satisfy a huge number of men at once.
2. In old times, a woman who was left with children and no husband would have a very hard time getting by. When a woman had multiple husbands, losing one of them was not at all as devastating.
3. Issues in marriages today are often that women are unsatisfied sexually, don't feel enough emotionally supported, don't feel they get enough attention, etc. The men are usually fine on those counts. This is because a woman's needs require multiple men to satisfy, while a man's require only one woman.

Those are some reasons.

Do you have any arguments for us evolving for monogamy?

[OlderAndWiser]

Your first point may have been influenced by evolution, but I have doubt that either of the other issues are related to anything controlled by evolution.

[exitseven]

yes, but you should be happy that you had a choice of what you wanted to di with your life. Some of us are like the balls in a pinball machine. They get bounced around by life and end up far from where they began and often not in a good way.

[SleepingHazard]

As for every choice you make. Other opportunities are missed.

[OlderAndWiser]

Bingo. That is just how life works.

[red324]

Then say that's not what you want. You can't have your cake and eat it.

[OlderAndWiser]

Exactly!

[Surely]

You could be correct on your assumption. But the grass isn’t always greener on the other side!
That is why you need to be sure of the direction that you are headed!

[Massageman]

Yes. So, don't take this decision lightly. Make sure you have a reasonable chance of success in the relationship.

[Jowm01]

I find it really funny how this is written as some kind of a deep revelation. Yes, it necessarily means you are giving up other experiences. That is the point of the choice. It would not be a personal sacrifice you make for the sake of another if that wasn't the case. This is why you carefully consider that you actually love this person enough to make that sacrifice for them before you do.

[OlderAndWiser]

Not a revelation to me, but apparently it is to many others.

[Twalli]

Pretty much. I will always wonder how sex eoulf be with someone else, but being with my fiancée is far more important to me.

[Brucewayne123]

That’s why you stay single. You’ll miss out on amazing relationship opportunities… but you get to still have sex with multiple people

[OlderAndWiser]

And remaining single means you get those opportunities but you will miss out on the joy of building a committed relationship with the right partner.

Every choice limits your opportunities.

[Roldrake]

Well for me not really because I don't consider using prostitutes as 'cheating' so I still get to have fun even whilst in a relationship.

[Keyboardkat]

But with prostitutes, aren't you afraid of bringing home some horrible disease? In Europe, prostitutes are licensed and have to be medically certified periodically. That's not true in the U. S. Here you're on your own. Besides, most prostitutes get to the point where they start to despise men. And they begin to look like old, well-worn tires or something!

[Roldrake]

@Keyboardkat Good point but most my 'professional ladies are indeed in Europe as you suggest, or Asia. Also I use latex!

[strateguy632]

Correct in other words loyalty.

[sage2021]

Yes! That's what it means.

[WhitneySnow]

This is a really well written essay

[TheStaleMarshmellow]

That's opportunity cost for ya.