Relationships

13 Red Flags That I Took Away With Me

I dated a guy for 2 months and after he dumped me, I had some time to reflect and come up with a list of red flags that I subconsciously threw to the back of my mind when we were dating. I guess we have to learn from our mistakes and we need to start somewhere. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. At the time of dating him, I had no idea that this particular behavior was so toxic. Again, please learn from my mistakes:

13 Red Flags That I Took Away With Me


Red Flags that I noticed with this guy:

  • Never asked what I wanted to do for our first ‘date’. Now I wouldn’t really consider this a ‘red flag’; however, this shows that the guy isn’t polite. He said “it would be so cool if we went on a picnic. I’ve always wanted to do that”. Now this may seem courteous and sweet, and it is... but it is also impolite. This shows that he doesn’t really care about where I wanted to go, or what I wanted to do.
  • Asked me to his place on the first date. This one is debatable for whether or not it counts as a red flag. I said no because I didn’t want it to lead to sex.
  • Too much touch on the first date. We were in the grass and that gave him an excuse to touch my butt to get some of the dirt/grass off. There is no excuse. The fact that he felt comfortable doing this (multiple times through out the night) made me question his motives. Never let a guy touch you in a romantic way on the first date unless they ask you and you consent to it.
  • Talked about his EX’s on the first date. Literally had a whole ass discussion about how his 6 previous serious relationships all hurt him. This showed me that he was incapable of getting over them at the moment. I believe that it’s important to know about someone’s past relationships, but on the first date you should be learning about the person that you are on the date with, not caught up in your past. That needs to be saved for later. Therefore, this is a red flag for me.
  • Talked about himself, a lot. Before we went on our first ‘date’ we had a few phone calls and he would rant about stories, people, friends. After telling his stories and talking about himself (sometimes he would talk for 15 mins straight... I timed it), he would be like “ugh... I’m talking about my self too much. Tell me about you.” See how he didn’t ask me a specific question about myself and only attempted to get the attention away from him so it would seem like the conversation was balanced? Yeah, that is bad news. This means that the guy doesn’t know to converse in meaningful conversation without putting himself in the picture. Now this could be a bad habit, he could be trying to impress you, or he is just that oblivious to he conversation. He continued to mainly talk about himself when we met, and this got fairly annoying. Any time that I tried to talk about myself, he would find a way to integrate his stories—discounting mine. I felt unimportant when he did this because I felt like he valued his words over mine. There was one instance were I was talking about my parents and he completely interrupted me to point to a bug on a tree we were passing by. Never apologized either. Starting to get the picture? RED FLAG.
  • His body language said it all. So when I was with this guy, his body language was nonchalant and very relaxed, too relaxed. When I would talk, he never really made eye contact with me or indicated any type of engagement for what I had to say. You will know when someone is interested in you. If their body language hints at any sign of disinterest, chances are body language is a blessing in disguise. Pay attention to that. This is a minor red flag.
  • It gets sexual way too fast. Every date it seemed like he wanted more and more of me... sexually. By the second date, he was trying to get in my pants and he made that obvious. He inched closer and closer to my underwear. Because the making out got hot and heavy, his hands wandered. If this bothers you, you need to make that clear. When he did this, I explicitly said “nothing below my hips”. He said “okay” and backed off. Listen, in that moment, I disregarded what was happening. In our next encounter he did the same thing. The thing is, he never asked if that was OK to be touching me down there because I was uncomfortable with him doing it last time. This shows a lack of control and lack of respect for my boundaries. Major red flag.
  • He questioned my interest in him. There would be times when he would ask if I was still liked him or if I still wanted to see him although I showed genuine interest and engagement. To me this only showed how insecure he was. On the outside this guy, specifically this guy, was very confident and overly-extroverted which made him appear attractive from the outside. I made it very clear that I liked him, and every time we went on a date he questioned my interest in him. This is a red flag because when someone is that insecure and that oblivious to how you feel about them, they don’t know you well enough.
  • He said that I needed to be more affectionate—He wanted me to change. When we were texting he literally said that I wasn’t flirty enough and that bothered him. He said “you could try to be more affectionate sometimes, and give some more compliments”. Yes, toxic behavior. I was blinded and my mindset was jaded when I was with him. Again, this tells me that he was really insecure and needed that validation, affection, and my attention. Neediness is the word. You don’t owe a guy anything, and they shouldn’t expect anything from you. If a guy acts this desperate for validation, this is a red flag.
  • Pulled the “slow fade”. Towards the ending of our time together, his texts became slower, shorter, he left me on read. When he retracted this energy, I felt like I needed to make up for this devoid by investing that much more energy. I needed to be the one to initiate the texts, ask him how his day was, what he was up to. After a few days of initiating probably 90% of the conversations I felt like I was the desperate one. I felt like I was becoming a bother to this guy... and that only shows that I put this guy on a pedestal. If you ever experience this “slow fade” it means that he isn’t interested. I made up many excuses for this behavior, but it turns out that this “slow fade” was his way of exiting the relationship without coming off as the bad guy. If he pulls the “slow fade” you have two options: 1. Confront him about it (like I did), or 2. Play his game and immediately stop initiating conversation. Either way, this is a red flag.
  • Never mentioned me to his roommate, family, and friends; I was the secret. Being kept as a secret is disrespectful and very immature. This gave me false hope to be in a relationship with him, especially after he would tell me all of these great stories about his parents and siblings and friends. It is funny now that I think about it because he didn’t know one ounce of information about my parents because he never cared to even ask. He unintentionally set me up to get hurt by keeping me as a secret, and I went along with it. I thought that maybe one day he would have enough courage to finally present me to his parents and friends. That never happened. I devalued myself because of this. The thing is, this guy was finding every reason for why he shouldn’t be with me. A guy should be excited to bring you home, he shouldn’t keep you as a secret. That is pathetic. Red flag for sure.
  • Wanted to take it “slow”, but also rushed in. Since the beginning, he would tell me that he doesn’t want to rush into anything and wants to take it slow. This is a very condescending motive because he was the one to initiate everything (first kiss, sex, etc..) and fairly early on. He didn’t take it “slow” at all and said this because he was hesitant about committing. I truly believe that he wanted to take things “slow” but his actions and behavior said otherwise. Because of that, this is another red flag.
  • Never took me out on a real date and never spent any money on me. The dates that we went on were essentially no-budget. He never took me out to dinner, lunch, breakfast. Never invited me over to eat. It is the thought that counts. He didn’t see me as a prospective serious partner, therefore, he didn’t spend a dime on me. That may be a little harsh, and it hurts to think about it but it is true. How can my standards stoop that low? Why for this guy? Am I even worth a bowl of soup to him? Lol. Okay okay and I don’t want to come off as shallow by saying all of this. Of course, it’s about the quality of time spent between two people during dates that money can’t buy; however, he should be taking you out on real dates if you are “worth it” to him.

I feel like these are the major red flags I have noticed with this guy, in particular. Overall, there were too many red flags that I didn’t notice at the time with this guy. Crazy because after writing this up, I know what my worth is and this guy played with my emotions and I devalued my self-worth because of it. Don’t make the same mistakes as I clearly have. I ignored my instincts when I was with this guy and I was the one who got dumped in the end. I let me guard down, not knowing how to use it properly. Never let your guard down because it’s your best form of invisible protection.

13 Red Flags That I Took Away With Me
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