Before I tell you why I let this girl go I have to tell you what this girl meant to me. She wasn't like anyone else I had might. She balances my life. She gives me a purpose. When times are rough just knowing that I get to see her the next day is enough. From time to time when I get that razor blade close to myself a single text message brings the light back. I was a boy who was scared to love, but after meeting her that wasn't an option. She is one in a billion. One and only.
When we were still talking I couldn't be there for her all the time. I was too caught up with my fame I was forgetting the important people in my life. I could tell she was lonely. Whenever I'm around her she felt less lonely but she didn't look happy. I couldn't make her happy like other people. I wanted to be that person who is by her side all the time but I couldn't. As we got older more boys started liking her. Boys that appreciates her more than I can. Of course I got jealous but I shouldn't have. One by one she rejected each and every one of them. It was because of me. I wanted to get in to a relationship with her but I was too scared; I was too insecure. Every time I saw her I wanted to tell her that I love her. One day I found out a boy likes her. Seeing him always around her and watching her always smiling I knew that I can't be the reason he's not with her. So I let her go. I cut off all communications. I ignored how. I left her life.
After we stopped talking every day it pained me. I wanted to talk to her and tell her the truth but I could see that she was happier. A few months later I started having doubts, maybe I was wrong. I started talking to her again. Talking to her felt right but I could tell that she wasn't interested in our conversations. In a few weeks show would eventually reject that boy then I decided that I would return back in to her life. Throughout the year we stopped talking to each other and started talking to each other again.
When we started to talk to each other again I tried not to let those insecure feelings get to me but it was getting harder and harder as more people started liking her. Then I did the same thing again. I stopped talking to her like I did before. This time I was forgiven quickly. This wasn't the end though. The feelings proceeded to happen and then I did the same things again. She was hurt. When I tried to fix things again she told me that we should stay friends. Deep down I knew that it would be the best but instead I kept on trying. The longer I stayed in her life the more hurt she gets, I was a poison to her. I knew that she couldn't let me go so I had to let her go one last time. I was too toxic for her. I wasn't the right person for her.
After I let her go more and more people started talking to her. She made more and more friends, she was less lonely now. She found a boy that really likes her and that really appreciates her. She found a boy that can make her feel happy and not alone; something that I could never do. Every time I see them just chatting a part of me dies.
The right choice. Some people said that I did it because I was jealous. Maybe they are right but deep down I know that they are wrong. Now the girl that gave me purpose has found someone that makes her happy like I never can. I'm broken and hurt. I'm jealous and dying. I'm scared that I will never find someone like her again. I'm scared of walking down that lonely path and knowing that she is in someone else's arms. All my dreams are broken and my heart has just been broken in to pieces. I'm trying to find a purpose to live but I can't. Then I remember that she is happy and if she is happy then I am; even if this happiness was momentary.